Hey guys! New to Scribble Hub and I want your feedback on my mystery novel.

local_bin

New member
Joined
Jul 24, 2019
Messages
2
Points
3
Hey guys! I'm new to Scribble Hub and I just started writing my new novel called Otherworldly Detective, Not! It features a female protagonist that was somehow transported to a fantasy world setting. She instantly gets charged with murder and has to figure out a way to escape from being executed. I only have two chapters out so far, but I have already pre-planned the first episodic plot. I really value quality over quantity and I try to make my story and characters as fleshed out as I can.


Thank you for your time and I hope you guys have a great day or night! (*´▽`*)
 

Nixil

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 27, 2019
Messages
41
Points
58
First of all, I must say that this was a very strong beginning and better than most of what I have read on this site.
Also, I am by no means a professional author so you can take my critique with a grain of salt.

To start of with, I believe you should go over your work again.
There were a lot of grammatical errors that made it awkward to understand (not just commas).
I also think that you can remove some words to help the flow of your sentences.

For example:
'Even with their face obscured by the shadows' --> 'Even with their faces obscured by shadows'
Removal of 'the' makes it easier to read and 'face' should be pluralised as there are multiple people, but that was the least noticeable mistake.
So I will give another:
'The room instantly broke out into low murmurs, but with the sea of people in the room it hardly sounded like anything but low'
Either 'hardly' or 'but' needs to be removed as both of them together creates a double negative, which I don't think was your intention with 'the sea of people'

The first paragraph was also very noticeable for me when I first read it as 'her' was used way too much in just two sentences. This also happens in other places as well. Although repeatedly using these pronouns is perfectly fine, so many non-professionals do this and I am personally tired of this as it is clunky to read. I also know you can write way better than this from the rest of the first chapter.

There was also the 'three judges from Greek mythology' which felt way too forced, especially since the only other mention of 'Greek' was in the previous chapter and was attributed to the current antagonists. This could link Raine and them, to foreshadow later events maybe, but this was so forcefully told to us without any prior storytelling to back it up rather than shown later in a less tense situation where it would be better suited.

My final suggestions (should be taken with less consideration) are that you could join the two chapters together into one and end on the protagonist saying: I didn’t kill Miss Yurina because of two reasons!”
As the chapters are so short and, in my opinion, this is a good cliffhanger for the readers.

Also, the ages of the young man and his father could be written in words (e.g. 20's --> twenties), but that is just my personal taste so shouldn't be taken that seriously. I just think it better suits Medieval fantasy and the numerical forms better suits Science fiction.

The reasons Raine didn't kill were also pretty nonsensical, however I cannot judge until the situation has fully developed.


Sorry if I was too harsh, but quality of the first two chapters were really great. The dynamic word choices and the steady use of them really made it enjoyable to read as it shows your effort as well as making it so much more impressive compared to other works which coast along on events and the premise.
I hope this critique helps and you are able to further develop your story.
 
Last edited:

local_bin

New member
Joined
Jul 24, 2019
Messages
2
Points
3
First of all, I must say that this was a very strong beginning and better than most of what I have read on this site.
Also, I am by no means a professional author so you can take my critique with a grain of salt.

To start of with, I believe you should go over your work again.
There were a lot of grammatical errors that made it awkward understand (not just commas).
I also think that you can remove some words to help the flow of your sentences.

For example:
'Even with their face obscured by the shadows' --> 'Even with their faces obscured by shadows'
Removal of 'the' makes it easier to read and 'face' should be pluralised as there are multiple people, but that was the least noticeable mistake.
So I will give another:
'The room instantly broke out into low murmurs, but with the sea of people in the room it hardly sounded like anything but low'
Either 'hardly' or 'but' needs to be removed as both of them together creates a double negative, which I don't think was your intention with 'the sea of people'

The first paragraph was also very noticeable for me when I first read it as 'her' was used way too much in just two sentences. This also happens in other places as well. Although repeatedly using these pronouns is perfectly fine, so many non-professionals do this and I am personally tired of this as it is clunky to read. I also know you can write way better than this from the rest of the first chapter.

There was also the 'three judges from Greek mythology' which felt way too forced, especially since the only other mention of 'Greek' was in the previous chapter and was attributed to the current antagonists. This could link Raine and them, to foreshadow later events maybe, but this was so forcefully told to us without any prior storytelling to back it up rather than shown later in a less tense situation where it would be better suited.

My final suggestions (should be taken with less consideration) are that you could join the two chapters together into one and end on the protagonist saying: I didn’t kill Miss Yurina because of two reasons!”
As the chapters are so short and, in my opinion, this is a good cliffhanger for the readers.

Also, the ages of the young man and his father could be written in words (e.g. 20's --> twenties), but that is just my personal taste so shouldn't be taken that seriously. I just think it better suits Medieval fantasy and the numerical forms better suits Science fiction.

The reasons Raine didn't kill were also pretty nonsensical, however I cannot judge until the situation has full developed.


Sorry if I was too harsh, but quality of the first two chapters were really great. The dynamic word choices and the steady use of them really made it enjoyable to read as it shows your effort as well as making it so much more impressive compared to other works which coast along on events and the premise.
I hope this critique helps and you are able to further develop your story.
Thank you for your feedback! (=´∇`=)
It was very insightful and I really appreciate it. When you pointed out some awkward structures in my grammar, I realized you were right. I figured going through the editing process myself may have narrowed my perspective. It's hard to pick out grammatical errors, but I'll keep that in mind and try to find another set of eyes for future chapters...that is if I manage to find someone. Anyhow, it was a first for me and I'm glad I was able to get some solid critique. d=(´▽`)=b
 

hueyhare

Active member
Joined
Jul 23, 2019
Messages
26
Points
43
I have only read the first chapter so far, but I had hard time following what was going on. I like the punchiness, but the lack of information made it a little hard to track.

For example, I understand in the first scene she is being accused of murdering someone and there are people surrounding her and spears at her throat, but I have no idea what's going on. I realize this is probably because you want the reader to be a bit lost, but what is really jarring is when she is suddenly in a court room. Was she teleported there? Is this a time skip from the previous scene? I reread it a couple of times to see if I missed something.

If it is a time skip, you might want to use some kind of horizontal rule on a separate line to tell the reader that it isn't a continuation of the previous scene. I also think providing a bit more information over all would be helpful. Maybe have the MC internally process more of what's going on to clue the reader in about her predicament. Those internal thoughts would help me feel connected to something, and give me more investment in the MC.

I hope that helps. I do like the concept and am interested to read more. I'll try and take a look at chapter two when I get a chance later.
 
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