Hows The first chapter of my thing

Pmuno2abc

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Edit:Okay I was told I posted this in the wrong thing my bad.

Its just a rewrite of a novel I dropped due to some unfortunate circumstances but I felt like bringing it back with a fresh new coat of paint.

Anyways here ya go


I got another novel going but if like to see how this ones start looks

For comparison the you can find the original on webnovel under the tittle "A weebs Tale"
 
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Phantomheart

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Its just a rewrite of a novel I dropped due to some unfortunate circumstances but I felt like bringing it back with a fresh new coat of paint.

Anyways here ya go


I got another novel going but if like to see how this ones start looks

For comparison the you can find the original on webnovel under the tittle "A weebs Tale"
Next time make sure to post in Story Feedback ^-^

From what I see of the first chapter the tense switches back from present to past tense mid paragraph, jolting the reader around a bit and adding to the jumpiness of the story.
If you are writing this story as a complete parody, meant to be written more juvenile, ( done for shits and giggles) then that’s fine. But if you wanted to go down a route of more serious comedy that your readers can reread for a good laugh, it would be best to reformat those issues.
Same thing just about goes for the rest of the story as well. Parts are jumpy, short and then moving on to a completely different piece of information, but if thats what your going for, then great. It’s fast pace and mocks the idea and cliche of how the protagonist must go along with the plot and that means the plot jumps on him.
You also use ellipses (...) a lot which while okay once in a while for dramatic or comedic effect, become more like eye sores the longer you read. They lose their impact completely and when used repetitively, it becomes harder to differentiate if they are meant for a comedic or dramatic effect.
That’s what I see so far from a quick glance and read. Hopefully someone else can provide a more in depth analysis :)
 

Pmuno2abc

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2019
Messages
7
Points
3
Next time make sure to post in Story Feedback ^-^

From what I see of the first chapter the tense switches back from present to past tense mid paragraph, jolting the reader around a bit and adding to the jumpiness of the story.
If you are writing this story as a complete parody, meant to be written more juvenile, ( done for shits and giggles) then that’s fine. But if you wanted to go down a route of more serious comedy that your readers can reread for a good laugh, it would be best to reformat those issues.
Same thing just about goes for the rest of the story as well. Parts are jumpy, short and
then moving on to a completely different piece of information, but if thats what your going for, then great. It’s fast pace and mocks the idea and cliche of how the protagonist must go along with the plot and that means the plot jumps on him.
You also use ellipses (...) a lot which while okay once in a while for dramatic or comedic effect, become more like eye sores the longer you read. They lose their impact completely and when used repetitively, it becomes harder to differentiate if they are meant for a comedic or dramatic effect.
That’s what I see so far from a quick glance and read. Hopefully someone else can provide a more in depth analysis :)
Thankyou I'll go ahead and delete this thread and repost it and yes I was going for a more sophisticated fuck you to cliches that piss me off.

Thankyou for the advice and the whole (...) was to make fun of how sometimed dramatic shit doesn't really warrant silence silence...I read way to many goddamned isekai soon enough ima shit on how adding your own spin has become a cliche in itself



I have no clue how to delete a post sorry not so new of a writer but when it comes to forums absolutely no clue
 
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