I ask for feedback

Scribbler

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Dec 23, 2018
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I have concluded the first arc of my story at 11,000 words. I think that probably makes it ready for critical feedback; or that it is long enough or finished enough or ready to be judged as a whole. Uhhh, I don't really know how to do this. I ask for things you liked and disliked. I admit the actual plot is a bit weak, but I think I can strengthen it later on in the story when I reveal the character's motivations behind their actions. And some characters might seem inconsistent but it's for a good reason! That I have yet to explain in the story so far...

I don't have very many readers. And I am thankful for the ones I do have. But half of me wants to end the story as it is and start with something new that has a chance to become popular, like an isekai or litrpg. And half of me wants to continue with the story because I have an idea for a future future chapter that might turn out half good. Maybe I should try to write both. But then I'd feel like the chapters would update even slower than they already are.

I think it's good. I'm pretty sure it's good. I'm 55% sure it's good. The middle chapters are a bit messier than the rest because I haven't edited them like I did the earlier chapters, and I believe my later chapters are the best written of them all since I had the most experience while writing those. The reason I don't immediately edit the middle chapters is that I like to edit an older chapter before I edit a newer chapter as a way to wipe my mind of the newer chapter.

The End.​
 

Dragon

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Dec 23, 2018
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Too lazy to read through your story right now, so I'll give my shallow opinion first.

If you are only writing to be popular, then it's destined to be mediocre. You'll probably run out of gas and ambition before long. It'll just feel like a chore.

If you like your current story, write it. If you think you have a better story, write that. It depends on which you're more driven to write - not for the mere purpose of writing something, but because you have the urge to put it out there.

If you ran out of ideas for your current story, then don't beat the dead horse and let the development come to you naturally. At that point, moving onto something different is good because you'll get a chance to clear your head up a bit.
 

DaoFox

『Silkmaid』『Queen Sylvia Glasscrest of Arya』
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
99
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58
If you haven't put the effort into the story to ensure it is solid the whole way through, people simply won't want to read to the later chapters for it all to make sense. foreshadowing is fine but you have to give them something enjoyable to read until you get there.

Write for yourself, with the reader in mind. It's fine to write according to popular themes as this is what most published authors do before beginning a new story. They check what else has come out recently and what seems to be popular with readers, the so-called "fads" and then go on to write their own stories.

However, since you have started already, instead of quitting for popular themes, do your story and current readers justice and fix the mistakes and weak plot-points to bring everything back together. It's hard enough to get popular on the basis you chose to tag the story as "comedy" followed up with poor tag choices compounded together like: Multiple POV, Multiple protagonists, unreliable narrator and non-linear story telling.

The synopsis is weak as water as you basically give readers an instant impression that you are not even sure of the facts in your own story. how are people supposed to immerse themselves in it when the author is saying "A farmhand boy (I'm not sure on the actual ages, I'm guessing 15-20) Arthur is told by the great wizard Merlin that he is the one and only hero king."

Additionally, the concept is already poor in that you had to base your story on one of the most overtold and re-told and re-written concepts possible. the best comedies have already been done for such an old tale.
 

Scribbler

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
290
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103
Too lazy to read through your story right now, so I'll give my shallow opinion first.

If you are only writing to be popular, then it's destined to be mediocre. You'll probably run out of gas and ambition before long. It'll just feel like a chore.

If you like your current story, write it. If you think you have a better story, write that. It depends on which you're more driven to write - not for the mere purpose of writing something, but because you have the urge to put it out there.

If you ran out of ideas for your current story, then don't beat the dead horse and let the development come to you naturally. At that point, moving onto something different is good because you'll get a chance to clear your head up a bit.
I'm not writing to be popular.

I don't want to write anything. I have nothing. I simply want to write.

I would never run out of ideas for a story.
If you haven't put the effort into the story to ensure it is solid the whole way through, people simply won't want to read to the later chapters for it all to make sense. foreshadowing is fine but you have to give them something enjoyable to read until you get there.

Write for yourself, with the reader in mind. It's fine to write according to popular themes as this is what most published authors do before beginning a new story. They check what else has come out recently and what seems to be popular with readers, the so-called "fads" and then go on to write their own stories.

However, since you have started already, instead of quitting for popular themes, do your story and current readers justice and fix the mistakes and weak plot-points to bring everything back together. It's hard enough to get popular on the basis you chose to tag the story as "comedy" followed up with poor tag choices compounded together like: Multiple POV, Multiple protagonists, unreliable narrator and non-linear story telling.

The synopsis is weak as water as you basically give readers an instant impression that you are not even sure of the facts in your own story. how are people supposed to immerse themselves in it when the author is saying "A farmhand boy (I'm not sure on the actual ages, I'm guessing 15-20) Arthur is told by the great wizard Merlin that he is the one and only hero king."

Additionally, the concept is already poor in that you had to base your story on one of the most overtold and re-told and re-written concepts possible. the best comedies have already been done for such an old tale.
Please tell me what you think about the contents of the story.
 

DaoFox

『Silkmaid』『Queen Sylvia Glasscrest of Arya』
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
99
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58
I'll try to read a few, but I can tell from your stats that the average views per chapter are quite low, meaning that readers dropped the story as they went along. In turn, please give my compilation series a look and let me know what you think in a Direct/Private Message.

edit: the first half of chapter 1 feels more like you are telling me a story than I am actually reading one. the style used feels just plain odd and while easy enough to read, there is 1 whole paragraph that is not so starting with "merlin didn't have much of a choice..."

I found some grammar errors and by the end you misspelled Arthur. Additionally, while the dialogue seems like a conversation you would have in reality, it's not something you want to see in a book as its too verbose and doesn't get to the point. the constant back and forth of the dialogue can make it tricky to keep track of who is saying what and throughout there are no longer any narrative descriptors just a couple actions of little import.

I personally feel that trying to take the story of King Arthur and portraying it the way you were, is just not really working out and while the changes in personality may be creative license, it's a bit of a stretch for me to really accept them as "arthur and merlin" in my head.

The trick to retelling a story is to take everything that was great and iconic about the original and then to transplant them into your own scenario, with but a single significant change that will allow you to drive the story down its own path. for example: what if instead of the "sword in the stone" it was the "axe in the stump" or the "crown in the Ice" et cetera. or perhaps you confused the knights of charlemagne with the round table so you have a different number of knights or you have actually merged two entirely different stories together.

As you are trying for a comedy, you should likely aim to emulate the original, but just when things are supposed to get serious, you throw in a jab or a dive and have something go humorously wrong in one of many different ways.
 
Last edited:

Scribbler

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I'll try to read a few, but I can tell from your stats that the average views per chapter are quite low, meaning that readers dropped the story as they went along. In turn, please give my compilation series a look and let me know what you think in a Direct/Private Message.
Alright, that's fair. I'm mostly going to say my first impressions. I'm not very good at in-depth analysis.
 

DaoFox

『Silkmaid』『Queen Sylvia Glasscrest of Arya』
Joined
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Messages
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sorry was in the middle of an edit, just check my above comment as it stands since after you quoted.
 

Scribbler

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Messages
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sorry was in the middle of an edit, just check my above comment as it stands since after you quoted.
I read the first chapter and didn't very much like it. It was mostly a person exploring a place. I didn't really feel any sense of agency. I think you were trying to make the reader feel confused, but I think having the reader be confused for too long feels too aimless. Sometimes when you try to show instead of tell, your leaps of logic are a bit too much for me to believe. And you use redundant wording a few times. And I think you say how the character feels too often. It's okay to say what a character feels, but not inwardly; does that make sense? I think it's more appropriate for describing the way a character expresses themselves or physically reacts to a situation, but no okay for showing what a character thinks/feels on the inside.

This was my first time giving feedback in this way. I hope that it was sufficient. I should probably have asked what you were trying to accomplish with the piece before critiquing it. I chose to reply to your comment instead of DMing because that way people will know I keep my end of things, and how I give feedback.

red are things I don't like
blue are additions I think would make the sentence make more sense

More stone, without the slightest surface layer of cover.
I think adding the word surface is redundant because the word cover already indicates the location of the layer.

The alley was dark and quiet, the lack of activity giving it an ominous, spooky vibe. Despite entering close behind Janet, she was nowhere in sight. No shadowy silhouette, no sound of footsteps, just the night breeze rolling by devoid of scents.
You generally don't want to say the exact words of how a scene feels. More show and less tell.
"devoid of scents" seems like overkill. And most people notice new smells, but they don't notice the lack of smells


Garbled sounds ring out in the alley as you sought to form coherent words and fail to form any. You continued your futile attempts, blacking out soon after.
What futile attempts? I would like more description.
 

bananapink

The Sickly Banana
Joined
Apr 16, 2019
Messages
214
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I have concluded the first arc of my story at 11,000 words. I think that probably makes it ready for critical feedback; or that it is long enough or finished enough or ready to be judged as a whole. Uhhh, I don't really know how to do this. I ask for things you liked and disliked. I admit the actual plot is a bit weak, but I think I can strengthen it later on in the story when I reveal the character's motivations behind their actions. And some characters might seem inconsistent but it's for a good reason! That I have yet to explain in the story so far...

I don't have very many readers. And I am thankful for the ones I do have. But half of me wants to end the story as it is and start with something new that has a chance to become popular, like an isekai or litrpg. And half of me wants to continue with the story because I have an idea for a future future chapter that might turn out half good. Maybe I should try to write both. But then I'd feel like the chapters would update even slower than they already are.

I think it's good. I'm pretty sure it's good. I'm 55% sure it's good. The middle chapters are a bit messier than the rest because I haven't edited them like I did the earlier chapters, and I believe my later chapters are the best written of them all since I had the most experience while writing those. The reason I don't immediately edit the middle chapters is that I like to edit an older chapter before I edit a newer chapter as a way to wipe my mind of the newer chapter.

The End.​

Hello, new here but I've been writing in my laptop for years, on and off.
Just like you I had the same dilemma before. To continue or start another.
I suggest you continue with it, pour all your ideas until the ending of your story and edit them later. Make notes to the part you want to revise or add spice, it's what I've been doing for long hahaha. (I don't know if this is going to help...ugh.)
because you know, if you drop it halfway then make another, chances are, you'll suffer the same problem as you did in your last whenever you feel like you want to revise or in having a block. write, just write don't think of the gains yet.
 

Jemini

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Jan 27, 2019
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or perhaps you confused the knights of charlemagne with the round table so you have a different number of knights or you have actually merged two entirely different stories together.

Crossing the Knights of Charlemagne with King Arther, now THAT is quite likely the single best take on the King Arther story I have EVER heard of in concept. Reason being, the Knights of Charlemagne were the real people that are thought to be the inspiration for King Arther's knights of the round table.

True, Charlemagne and his knights have gotten some epic stories based, by name, on the real people as well that are complete with divine interventions and epic inhuman feats. These stories are kinda the bridge point between the real people and what became the legend of King Arther.

Sounds like a pretty brilliant concept to me. It would need a lot of research and a skilled author to do it justice though.
 
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