I just realized about writing a fighting scene

Kamelingil

Multiversal Author
Joined
Aug 27, 2023
Messages
277
Points
43
I just realized something off about how I write fighting scenes, I feel like I've been writing it incorrectly this whole time... Can you give some tips about how to make the reader imagine what the fight supposed to look like?
 

Cynthell

New member
Joined
May 16, 2024
Messages
19
Points
3
I just realized something off about how I write fighting scenes, I feel like I've been writing it incorrectly this whole time... Can you give some tips about how to make the reader imagine what the fight supposed to look like?

Do you have an example of a fight scene you've written?
 

Cynthell

New member
Joined
May 16, 2024
Messages
19
Points
3
it's very long, I've written too much details about the fight
How long is too long? Theres a few different ways of writing fight scenes and so long as youre not repeating yourself I dont think theres a wrong way of doing it.

If you link or post an example of yours Ill happily look it over.
 

Kamelingil

Multiversal Author
Joined
Aug 27, 2023
Messages
277
Points
43
How long is too long? Theres a few different ways of writing fight scenes and so long as youre not repeating yourself I dont think theres a wrong way of doing it.

This is from Chapter 6

Raijin instinctively dodged Drouck's left punch and released a charged solar beam into Drouck that caused all the planets around 30 light years radius to obliterate into nothing.

「Annihilation Flare」

Rage launched a giant ball of fire at the size of the Jupiter, it's impossible to dodge with it's size.

「Scrhenyo」

Raijin summoned a black hole that would suck the hole galaxy but as Raijin is controlling it, it only devoured Rage's Annihilation Flare. "That wasn't strong enough to resist my black hole." Raijin said while being cautious about his surroundings.

"Don't be so cocky yet!" Rage shouted as he charges another attack.

Raijin is gone in a flash and appeared in front of Rage and he got surprised and quickly casts a barrier but it's too late.

"I've seen a move that was in anime, it was called "Serious Punch" but I wonder how strong it is if I use it." Raijin's thoughts.

「Serious Punch」

But it was instantly blocked by Yuro with his lightning, he tried to shock Raijin but he didn't know there's an aftershock from Raijin's punch, the lightning got deflected everywhere and they're trying to resist the aftershock.

"Wind?" Yuro's thoughts.

"Idiot! You'll die from that punch of his! Don't be overconfident!" Worried Patricia said.

「The Stars of The End」

Billions of light rays hit Raijin as he was caught off guarded. "Did I get him?" Starshine asks as she is ready to launch another attack again. But a massive red beam hits Starshine, "Starshine!" Rage shouted.

「The First Fire」

A small yet sharp hits Raijin on the right arm and ignites Raijin's whole body then explodes. And then Drouck arrived at the speed of light and entered the smoke but for a few seconds later, he never came out. "Something's bad! Dracula!" Druno asks.

「Eternal Darkness」

Dracula quicly created a giant ball of pure darkness and Druno shouted "Block!" A bright light is breaking the ball of pure darkness and exploded but Rafaela tried to control the light but it's beyond her control.

「The Time shall Pause」

The whole universe froze, except Genzo who's clueless about it.

"I seemed to unlocked some hidden skills within power Genzo gave me, did he purposely did not say it or did he not know? Nevermind, I'll grow by my own path anyway. Let's see how strong my strength now." Raijin said.

Raijin randomly throws one punch and it suddenly broke space and time, the time has resumed because the time has been broken by him alone, then the impact damaged all 15 of them as well as the whole galaxy with it.

"What the hell??? Everyone, take cover!" Druno shouted, Yuyumi quickly casts a barrier that can withstood the impact but still experienced aftershocks.

"I'm completely drained!" Yuyumi said.

The impact ended and all of them are on the brink of death, Drouck on the other hand withstood everything and went berserk, immediately attacked Raijin who just awakened "He's still alive, let's test how tough he is." Both of them clashed punches that damaged the space and time even more, "Drouck! Stop it and retreat!" Druno shouted but he did not listen while on berserked state.

"It's pointless, let's retreat while he's holding him off!" Gastov said while flowing through the ocean he created. Raijin noticed them retreating and shifted his punch to knock them all with the impact of their clashes, it is well calculated.

"Let's get this over with before the galaxy might collapse itself." Raijin said.

「Serious Punch」+ 「Interstellar Beam」

With it, the attack penetrated through Drouck, leaving a hole on his chest and also annihilated all 14 of them from the beam, letting a sole survivor live, Angela due to her being so lucky to survive it but on the brink of dying.


From what I wrote, it doesn't look exciting to read at all. (Ignore the reference I used...)
 

QuercusMalus

A bad apple...
Joined
Jul 21, 2023
Messages
203
Points
63
From my perspective, you're giving waaayyy to much detail. The best fight scenes I have read keep it brief.
Ex:
Duck.
Weave.
Dodge.
Blows and counter blows shattered the surrounding landscape.
Both were breathing heavy, painting the ground with sweat and blood.

Just give the reader the bear minimum and let their imagination build the rest.
 

whatswrongwithme22

New member
Joined
Nov 3, 2023
Messages
5
Points
3
This is from Chapter 6

Raijin instinctively dodged Drouck's left punch and released a charged solar beam into Drouck that caused all the planets around 30 light years radius to obliterate into nothing.

「Annihilation Flare」

Rage launched a giant ball of fire at the size of the Jupiter, it's impossible to dodge with it's size.

「Scrhenyo」

Raijin summoned a black hole that would suck the hole galaxy but as Raijin is controlling it, it only devoured Rage's Annihilation Flare. "That wasn't strong enough to resist my black hole." Raijin said while being cautious about his surroundings.

"Don't be so cocky yet!" Rage shouted as he charges another attack.

Raijin is gone in a flash and appeared in front of Rage and he got surprised and quickly casts a barrier but it's too late.

"I've seen a move that was in anime, it was called "Serious Punch" but I wonder how strong it is if I use it." Raijin's thoughts.

「Serious Punch」

But it was instantly blocked by Yuro with his lightning, he tried to shock Raijin but he didn't know there's an aftershock from Raijin's punch, the lightning got deflected everywhere and they're trying to resist the aftershock.

"Wind?" Yuro's thoughts.

"Idiot! You'll die from that punch of his! Don't be overconfident!" Worried Patricia said.

「The Stars of The End」

Billions of light rays hit Raijin as he was caught off guarded. "Did I get him?" Starshine asks as she is ready to launch another attack again. But a massive red beam hits Starshine, "Starshine!" Rage shouted.

「The First Fire」

A small yet sharp hits Raijin on the right arm and ignites Raijin's whole body then explodes. And then Drouck arrived at the speed of light and entered the smoke but for a few seconds later, he never came out. "Something's bad! Dracula!" Druno asks.

「Eternal Darkness」

Dracula quicly created a giant ball of pure darkness and Druno shouted "Block!" A bright light is breaking the ball of pure darkness and exploded but Rafaela tried to control the light but it's beyond her control.

「The Time shall Pause」

The whole universe froze, except Genzo who's clueless about it.

"I seemed to unlocked some hidden skills within power Genzo gave me, did he purposely did not say it or did he not know? Nevermind, I'll grow by my own path anyway. Let's see how strong my strength now." Raijin said.

Raijin randomly throws one punch and it suddenly broke space and time, the time has resumed because the time has been broken by him alone, then the impact damaged all 15 of them as well as the whole galaxy with it.

"What the hell??? Everyone, take cover!" Druno shouted, Yuyumi quickly casts a barrier that can withstood the impact but still experienced aftershocks.

"I'm completely drained!" Yuyumi said.

The impact ended and all of them are on the brink of death, Drouck on the other hand withstood everything and went berserk, immediately attacked Raijin who just awakened "He's still alive, let's test how tough he is." Both of them clashed punches that damaged the space and time even more, "Drouck! Stop it and retreat!" Druno shouted but he did not listen while on berserked state.

"It's pointless, let's retreat while he's holding him off!" Gastov said while flowing through the ocean he created. Raijin noticed them retreating and shifted his punch to knock them all with the impact of their clashes, it is well calculated.

"Let's get this over with before the galaxy might collapse itself." Raijin said.

「Serious Punch」+ 「Interstellar Beam」

With it, the attack penetrated through Drouck, leaving a hole on his chest and also annihilated all 14 of them from the beam, letting a sole survivor live, Angela due to her being so lucky to survive it but on the brink of dying.


From what I wrote, it doesn't look exciting to read at all. (Ignore the reference I used...)
A hobbyist writer here and more reader really, but is it me, or somehow it feels like you're explaining the fight instead of describing?? While I don't fully get it yet, I did come across the saying, "Describe, don't explain" Basically, something like, "Show don't tell" And thats what I feel reading the fight scene, as if youre telling it, at least some parts. Though, as I said, I'm more of a reader than a writer really.
 

Kamelingil

Multiversal Author
Joined
Aug 27, 2023
Messages
277
Points
43
A hobbyist writer here and more reader really, but is it me, or somehow it feels like you're explaining the fight instead of describing?? While I don't fully get it yet, I did come across the saying, "Describe, don't explain" Basically, something like, "Show don't tell" And thats what I feel reading the fight scene, as if youre telling it, at least some parts. Though, as I said, I'm more of a reader than a writer really.
Hmm, so now I get it. That's why something is off about what I wrote. Thanks.
From my perspective, you're giving waaayyy to much detail. The best fight scenes I have read keep it brief.
Ex:
Duck.
Weave.
Dodge.
Blows and counter blows shattered the surrounding landscape.
Both were breathing heavy, painting the ground with sweat and blood.

Just give the reader the bear minimum and let their imagination build the rest.
I don't need to explain what's happening to their surroundings?
 

2wordsperminute

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2023
Messages
378
Points
63
I don't need to explain what's happening to their surroundings?
More like you don't have to explain what the attacks can do. Absolutely describe what they are doing, but if the attacks aren't actively ripping apart reality, don't say that they can.
 

KoyukiMegumi

Kitty
Joined
Jun 11, 2021
Messages
1,093
Points
153
Is it wrong to say I can barely follow your style of writing? :blob_pat_sad: It's more than just the extra detail in the fight scenes. I'll try to help, but maybe your style isn't for me.

Raijin summoned a black hole that would suck the hole galaxy but as Raijin is controlling it, it only devoured Rage's Annihilation Flare. "That wasn't strong enough to resist my black hole." Raijin said while being cautious about his surroundings.

"Don't be so cocky yet!" Rage shouted as he charges another attack.

Raijin is gone in a flash and appeared in front of Rage and he got surprised and quickly casts a barrier but it's too late.

"I've seen a move that was in anime, it was called "Serious Punch" but I wonder how strong it is if I use it." Raijin's thoughts.
You switch from present to past tenses; when I say a lot, I mean a lot. Usually, in writing, you stick to a singular tense, either past or present, which will improve the flow.

But it was instantly blocked by Yuro with his lightning, he tried to shock Raijin but he didn't know there's an aftershock from Raijin's punch, the lightning got deflected everywhere and they're trying to resist the aftershock.
Like this part, I feel I'm trying to decipher a different language.

I think this would be better, but I don't know.

Yuro instantly blocked the blow with his lightning (What blade? Arm, I don't know?) before being blasted by an aftershock from Raijins attack, deflecting the electricity everywhere.


Anyways, keep writing!
 

Thraben

Active member
Joined
Dec 23, 2023
Messages
121
Points
43
If it's any sort of melee:

Melee is brutal and messy, but most importantly, it's fast.

Like, a medieval swordfight probably isn't lasting more than ten seconds if the combatants are actually trying to kill eachother, and it's highly unlikely that both will survive, and even less likely that the survivor will be able to properly explain what exactly their opponent was doing, only how they responded to it.

Unless your characters have some supernatural ability to perceive time on a different scale as normal people and to process information at that faster speed while maintaining their composure, any melee fight that follows a character's perspective is should be described only in what actions the character is taking and almost nothing of what that character thinks.

If a fight is paced slow enough for characters to properly think and talk, either the combatants are deliberately not going at it to kill each other, or the audience should assume the author doesn't know how combat works.

Supernatural powers throw a wrench in things, but in general, if both characters can talk, the fight is too slow, and if neither character is microseconds away from death, the fight is bad.
 

TheEldritchGod

A Cloud Of Pure Spite And Eyes
Joined
Dec 15, 2021
Messages
3,162
Points
183
Examples:
The voice came from the buildings.







All of his men, with the exception of the runner and the men at the church had finally gathered up. They were starting to load the carts and were preparing to pack up and leave when the music started. Someone was playing a guitar from the shadows of one of the buildings. Everyone stopped what they were doing, drew weapons, and started looking around, preparing for an attack.



An attack that didn't come.



The music was low and melancholic, but had a strange reverb to it. Albaba had never heard anything like it before. Soon it was joined with words that echoed out from the shadows.



"They all laughed as I turned around slow."

"You ain't welcome round here."

"You might as well go."



From between two buildings a small figure started to walk out of the alley. He was dressed in black armor from his neck to feet. You couldn't make out any markings on it, but it was obvious it was very expensive. He wore no helmet, so it was easy to see as he started to walk into the light that he was a halfling. That wasn't what stood out.



He was playing a guitar made of ice.



The guitar was a six string that appeared to be made of strands of water. The water wasn't acting normal as you could visibly see the strands vibrating. It was if the strands were playing themselves. They looked like shivering waves as each strand seemed to be emitting a different instrument. Clearly it was magical, but how it was functioning made no sense. The halfling continued walking out into the open while looking at his guitar and strumming away.



"I wiped the blood from my face as I sat up on my knees."

"I said I'll be back when you least expect it."

"And hell's coming with me..."



He looked up with ice blue eyes.



"Hell's coming with me."



The music slowly faded away to silence. Everyone just stared in bewilderment. Now that he was out in the open, there was something that stood out about the guitar. On the body of the guitar was a symbol repeated on both sides of the strings on the body of the guitar.



The crest of the country of Eirin.



The halfling started strumming again but this time the music was much more cheerful. He started to bounce, skipping along as he sang.



"Oh there's a hill at the bottom of a valley!"

"Where the poor souls go when they die!"

"If you listen real close, You hear can hear 'em like a ghost!"

"Saying you'll never gonna make it out alive!"



The halfling continued to dance around, approaching groups, then skipping past. As he did, he had a big grin on his face. With a wink and a nod towards the prisoners, he was obviously trying to get everyone to come over to the prisoners. The halfling was unarmed, so nobody was taking him as a threat. People looked to Albaba for guidance.



He just shrugged.



"There is a town at the bottom of a hill!"

"They got a secret that they keep like a slave!"

"They got a black magic preacher, and he's the one who featured,"

"Behind the plot to put my mama in a grave!"



~Wait a minute. That suit of armor is custom and obviously expensive. This kid has money. Was this whole thing this halfling's revenge plot?~ Albaba folded his arms and looked mildly amused, ~Maybe if I just let him do, whatever he's about to do, I won't have to lift a finger?~



As Ryan pranced along, he slowly drew everyone closer. The three dwarven prisoners looked increasingly horrified as the song continued and Ryan brought everyone together.



"And I swear, down to my core!

"You line your pockets with money, that you steal from the poor!"

"And on your way down to Hell, you'll hear me ringin' a bell!"

"I'll pay the devil twice as much to keep your soul!"



The song was painting out a picture that made these dwarves look like they were evil. In fact, it sounded like he blamed the whole village. Albaba grinned as he inwardly mused, ~Oh this is just perfect.~



"There was a drifter passing through that little valley!"

"You see he had promised he was coming' back to town!"

"They didn't know me by my face, or by the sword upon my waist..."

"But I still came back to burn it down, to the ground!"



Ryan came to a stop in front of the prisoners as everyone drew closer. He focused on the High Priest in the middle as he continued strumming away and tapping his foot.



"First there'll be fire..."

"Then there'll be smoke..."

"Then a preacher man be hangin' from a rope!"



Ryan gave the terrified dwarves a most evil smirk.



"They all fell to their knees, and they begged him, begged him PLEASE!

"As he raised his fist up and spoke!"



The strings disappeared from his guitar and the music stopped. Ryan began to sing loud enough to echo off the mountain.



"I Am The Righteous Hand Of God!"

"I Am The Devil That You Forgot!"

"I kept my guarantee! I'm back again, as you can see!"

"And Hell's Coming!"



"HELL'S COMING!"



"Hell."



"Is."



"Coming..."



At that point, the guitar started to glow. For most people, this was a curiosity. A few were a little wary. One was greatly disturbed. Albaba to be specific.



You might think what was bothering him was that the reason the guitar was glowing was because of what was inside the ice. When Ryan had made the guitar, he put both wands at the end of the guitar neck. He used the parts from his helmet to connect it to the cylinder of mana potion that was hidden in the ice right below the guns. You'd think the glowing mana as the guns started to activate would be what was disturbing Albaba.



No.



Perhaps you might think it was the double bladed axe of Brune that Ryan had hidden inside the Ice Guitar? The glow from the cylinder in the neck of the guitar was enough to show the axe's outline, but no. That wasn't what was worrying Albaba. What was bothering him was that the glow was showing off the black etching on Ryan's chest plate. It was much easier to make out.



It was the symbol of the king of Lyonnesse.





Albaba was about to shout out orders to stop the halfling, but it was too late. Ryan had already activated his overcharged weapon and started shooting shards of Ice-7 into the crowd. Ryan burned his personal mana to speed up as he spun around. The soft 'poot' sound of his twin linked guns firing was quickly overshadowed by the sounds of Ice-7 slivers exploding inside people.



Chests exploded. Limbs went flying. Ryan aimed for center mass on his first go around the crowd. By the time he got back to where he started, his first victims were already collapsing, allowing Ryan a shot at those who were standing in the back. You see, because Ryan was shorter than everyone, and that the ones in front had only just begun to fall, Ryan couldn't take center mass shots any more.



He would have to make the rest all head shots.



As he had accelerated himself to the maximum, time was moving at a crawl from his perspective. He could see each individual shard of ice-7 as they shot forth. The guns alternated as they fired so as to give the other a moment to cool down. It wasn't helping much. Even with Ryan trying to reinforce the ice that made up the guitar, he knew this arrangement would over heat very quickly. Ryan had to make every shot count.



Ryan had an up close and personal view of each target as a shard penetrated someone's face. Each time there was a brief pause as the sliver came to rest inside their skull. Then it would explode sending a shower of brain matter onto the person next to them. A person who in the very next second would be experiencing the very same sensation.



After the second pass, Ryan jumped into the air, still spinning, making sure on his third rotation to get anyone who was only wounded. What was left of the pile of thirty odd corpses got sprayed with more shards, turning what was a horror of mangled bodies into a cloud of blood and viscera.



While he was in the air, the guitar finally overheated. The gun-wands were crackling with energy. The cylinder of mana shattered, spraying glowing blue fluid in all directions. The axe was freed and fell to the ground, imbedding itself in the dirt as Ryan landed next to it in a crouch.



The multiple explosions continued to echo off the mountains for several seconds. The sounds of birds could be heard in the distance as the continuous, rapid detonations had caused all wildlife in the area to flee. As the noice settled down, so too did the cloud of gore that was created. Ryan reached up to pull out a chunk of bone that had impaled itself in his cheek. He was covered with a fine layer of blood from head to toe.



Ryan put a hand on the axe hilt and yanked it out of the ground as he slowly stood up. He turned to look at the three, highly traumatized dwarven prisoners.







"With me."

"Do you hear it?"



Blue giant of a monster slowly turned his head as it cast about trying to determine the source of those words, "Who dares to-"



Echoing out of the tunnel that led to the locker room came walking a short figure. The shouting cut off the creature's question with another, "I asked... DO. YOU. HEAR. IT?" Ryan walked with his hands held behind his back, head tilted forward so that his eyes were hidden by silver hair falling in front of his face.



The crowd of goblins turned and started to chuckle as they readied their spears. Casually they moved to surround the approaching figure. The entire crowd just stopped and stared. The headmaster's eyes widened is a growing realization of what was happening, "It's Reed." He swallowed nervously as his heart lept up into his heart. In his head he was working out the possible reasons for what he was witnessing, and none of the conclusions were particularly good.



The towering blue humanoid chuckled with a deep rumble that you could feel in your bones. He blatantly licked his lips, "Tell me, tasty morsel... what is it I am supposed to hear?" A double magic circle formed around Ryan, glowing darkest crimson. It existed for the briefest of instants, existing only long enough to launch Reed at insane speeds right for the blue giant.



Nobody’s eyes could follow the movement, but they certainly did not miss the result. The Demon and Human alike turned and collectively let out an exclamation. For some it was amazement, for others it was terror.



The leader’s condescending smirk remained unchanged at first, but slowly changed to one of puzzlement. It slowly looked down as it coughed up a greenish fluid. Its disbelieving eyes settled upon Ryan who was shoulder deep in the monster's chest. A clawed, ice covered hand, having gone straight through bone, muscle, and flesh, and was holding onto the creature's mana core. The gore splattered stone still glittered with an inner light as both it and Ryan’s limb protruded from it’s back.



Ryan's face warped and contorted as if under tremendous pressure from within. His teeth shifted and sharpened as his eyes blazed a reddish hue. Grinning up at the struggling monstrosity, Ryan spoke in a high pitched giggle.



"The DOOM Music!"



The creature's core shattered with a squeeze






The king put down the file and looked at Kyle, "Seriously?"



The chancellor just leaned his head back in the chair and sighed, "Keep reading. That's the last coherent part of the account you are going to read. After that, it just dissolved into a general melee."



The king picked up another folder, "It seems out of order."



Kyle threw his hands up, "Everyone's account differs. We have Ryan in three places at once according to witnesses. I just wrote everything down." He raised his head, "Far as I can figure Ryan absolutely destroyed the leader in that surprise move which, I might add, should have torn his arm off, not launched him through the air like that! But I digress."



The king's eyebrows arched ever higher, "Did he really beat an ogre to death with a goblin?"



Kyle pointed at the king, "That one was true. My son was there and he saw it."



"Uh-huh... and why was he screaming, 'Say my name!' over and over?"



Kyle wiped at his brow with the back of his hand, "Got me. In fact, I don't have a single report of him actually stating his name to anyone, so... I don't know how he expected any of them to say it."



The king nodded and picked up another report, "I'm concerned about this one... He… atomized a gobble by firing ice into it’s chest and this drenched his ex-girlfriend in goblin chunks. Immediately afterward he said 'Dem tiddies is too big to fail.' before he shot off to slaughter-" He put down the file, "What does that even mean?"



Kyle got up and walked over to a side cabinet, "I'm getting a drink." The king swiveled in his chair as he moved onto the next file, "You never drink on duty."



The chancellor started filling up a glass to the brim with amber liquid, "I do now because-" He lifted the drink to his lips, "I’ll tell you, if you don't figure it out."



The king narrowed his eyes, then spent the next few minutes just reading through the reports, "Wait-" The king sat up in his chair, "How'd he get enough mana for all this?" Kyle laughed, "On the nose!" Kyle walked back over to fall back into his chair, "Where indeed? Read the reports. What's the one constant?" The king looked at some of the folders, "He's... singing?"



Kyle shook his head, "No no no... well... he is. And some insane stuff." Kyle gulped his drink, "I am god's wrath, the everlast... I was dead when I loaded my clip. What was one of the others? Oh. uh. I am infected. I've been rejected." The king looked up at that last line, "Do you think he knows?"



Kyle just shrugged, "Dunno! But he freaked everyone out. On the upside, he has already been so weird in the past that when he started running around on all fours with oversized ice claw arms shooting explosive bolts of... something... into goblins and splattering the crowd in demonic ichor, they just assumed it was Reed being Reed, not Reed having the heart of a demon inside him."



The king put down the papers, "Well... he might have gone insane... but at least he kept it to killing de-" The King stopped dead, "Wait a minute..." He picked up a report, then another, then another, "He... focused on destroying their mana cores."



Kyle pointed with his glass, "One point for the king!" He drained the rest of his drink then held the empty glass up to the king, "How was Reed able to pull off so much magic?" With his other hand he mimed jamming his hand into something, "By reaching into a demon's chest-" He pulled out an imaginary stone and 'crushed' it over the glass, "And refilling his core."



The king eyed the glass, "You think the only reason he wasn't murdering everyone was that he was focused on keeping his mana core full. So he went after the demons.” He thought for a moment then reluctantly added, “First."



Kyle sighed and rubbed one of his eyes, "Maybe he would have stopped after killing them all. Maybe he would have kept going and ate everyone in the stadium. Hard to tell. We may never know because when the second prince destroyed the mana suppression controls, everyone's magic came back."



The king stroked his mustache, "So what happened to Reed?"



Kyle shrugged, "Not sure. At that point it was a complete route. He had gone down into the tunnels after them. The suppression field was turned off and at that time, I assume, he returned to normal. Or at the very least his demonic core was suppressed."



The kick lifted up the last report, "And that's when your son found him in the tunnel screaming... uh..." The king raised an eyebrow, "Spine, work with me?" Kyle nodded, "Yeah. His legs weren't working. He was yelling at his own spine of all things."



The king continued, "Then they collapsed the tunnel and... your son managed to use his earth magic to keep the tunnel stable long enough to drag Reed out." The chancellor stared into his empty glass, "Maybe it would have been better if hadn't."



The king frowned at Kyle, "You are talking about the one who made the most significant contribution to saving everyone's life."



Kyle let out a strangled cry, "Mira damnit, I KNOW!" then hunched forward in his chair, "We need to put that collar on him. NOW." The king harrumphed, "We talked about this..."



Kyle stood up and headed back to the cabinet, "That was before the Headmaster told me that even with his full power he was afraid that he might not be able to take Reed in a straight up fight! You went to war with that guy! You know the headmaster better than I do. Has he EVER told you he was afraid of ANYONE???"



The king looked at the papers again, then up at Kyle, "I had a horse like Reed once. You don't dominate a horse like that, you become its partner. Yes, it might buck and cause trouble, but when the chips were down, that horse wasn't afraid of anything. It charged what I needed it to charge without flinching." He shrugged with one shoulder, “Of course, he was rather rough on my squire.”



Kyle started to refill his glass, "Your horse couldn't murder over forty goblins, four ogres, and an overseer class demon by itself." He gestured to the king with his drink, "Those are the ones he killed. The rest ran away..." He then sipped from the glass, "In FEAR. In Goddamn TERROR. They ran from him because he scared the ever living shit out of them!" He drank some more, "Anything that makes an ogre piss himself fuckin' terrifies me!"



The king frowned, "You're drunk. You only curse when you are drunk." Kyle shook his head, "Not yet, but soon. I am going back to my room and I am getting absolutely plastered." He paused to grab a bottle of the amber liquid and started for the exit. The king commented when he got half way, "If I read these reports correctly, your son owes Reed his life."



Kyle paused, looked back, then turned away as he silently walked out.

Both are different ways you can handle a fight scene. The problem you have is, all fights are a QUESTION.

What is the QUESTION your fight is asking?

The first, How is Ryan going to save the dwarves?
The second: What happened at the tournament?

The answer is how the reader feels.

You need to think: What answer do I want the reader to walk away with? then you need to ask the question in a way that causes the reader to come to that answer.

You have to work BACKWARDS. You assume the fight is the answer. It is not.
 

Placeholder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 24, 2022
Messages
139
Points
58
>「Eternal Darkness」

98% of the time, don't give the name of the special move. Show the physical effect, or the emotional response of the flighter as action is happening, as experienced by their bodies.

E.g. 'My gut twisted into a knot as the dark bolt screamed past my head'.

---
Get the tenses right before presenting a work to a reader.
---
When you want advice or critique, don't make us ask to see the piece. 🤦💁‍♀️Just show it in your initial query, after giving it a quick editing pass.
---
Start reading broadly, including non-sff fiction and nonfiction, and retyping long passages from works that move you, or read passages out loud. As many of the best authors did.

https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/18m660o
 
Joined
Jul 10, 2024
Messages
11
Points
3
Just an idea... because I'm not that confident in my own writing either, if your character is supposed to be someone very good or very strong, you can have another character be the POV if you want to capture the feel of the fight being overwhelming.

Rather than name abilities you can just skip them until an appropriate time where someone would ask about it or when the fighters are contemplating what went wrong with the fight.

For example, after the fight...
"Congratulations, but you still need to work on your Storm Fist, kiddo" the grizzled old master said as he and the MC walked out of the arena, the loud cheers of the crowd getting more and more muffled.

"I thought I had him, master." the MC said, bringing up and scrutinizing his slightly burned fist, "he reacted just like everyone else, he saw and blocked the punch he could see, but somehow all the phantom hands couldn't seem to hurt him."

"He was using the Aegis Parry, kiddo, you'd have known about it if you weren't so obstinate about learning only offensive techniques" the old man laughed "Phantom Hands from all directions versus an omnidirectional shield? Bad match up, kid, you need to widen your repertoire and we're going to do that now."

I just wrote this up, but the general idea is that you do the move naming after the fight, establishing it's significance so that in later chapters, you can now use it's name as a short hand description.

Also, in the aforementioned scene you can now establish to the other characters as well as the readers that "Storm Fist" is a sub-par ability against those with great defense, and you can catch them off-guard later when the MC does a proper or enhanced version that punches through said defenses.

In a sense, it's pretty much no different from a lovey-dovey romance scene, you need build up way before the pay-off (in this case, the fight) begins to establish the value of any named special move. Fanfics involving fighting game or action game characters can get away with this because even if someone doesn't play the game it's easily to look it up on Youtube to see what an EWGF is and why everyone acts like he bent the rules of reality over a simple sock to the jaw.
 

Enkiari

Active member
Joined
Oct 1, 2023
Messages
132
Points
43
I'll be honest - it's not just the fighting scene that needs work, it's how you write.
This whole thing needs a rework.
For example - 'Character said' is a lazy way to write dialogue. The word 'said' conveys nothing. They are in a fight, but they speak with no emotions, expressions, or actions. Instead of just using 'said', you could use 'urged/added/sighed' and so much more. And then add emotion or action the character is performing.
You do that sometimes, but just as often, you don't.
Billions of light rays hit Raijin as he was caught off guarded. "Did I get him?" Starshine asks as she is ready to launch another attack again. But a massive red beam hits Starshine, "Starshine!" Rage shouted.
Too much 'Starshine'. There is no need to repeat her name all the time.
Also. Why are two persons speaking in the same paragraph?

There is also no established viewpoint. Each line seems to jump to another character, leaving the reader disoriented. I have no idea who is the main character or what is happening. Each new paragraph makes the reader more confused.

As for fight scenes as such. It depends. The most important thing is for it to flow from scene to scene freely, in my opinion.
The descriptions can be long or short, precise or nebulous. So can be the fight. But it has to make sense from line to line.

And to mirror another replyer's sentiment - keep writing.
Good luck.
 

Aiyoki

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 14, 2022
Messages
131
Points
58
Yours is not a very long fight in terms of word count. I have one fight scene written as part of a RP oneshot I've posted on here that is a little over 6,000 words long.

Like has been said previously, I think part of the problem is that you're using past tense and present tense interchangeably.

Also the [ability words] are a bit much, feel tacky, and don't retroactively add anything as there's no prior context behind them to denote any real meaning at this point.

-Read some published works by accomplished authors and look at how they write these types of scenes

-Keep writing and reading what you've written.

-Read what you've written out loud to yourself and see if the "flow" of what's written still works when you hear it in audible form.

-have someone else read your writing out loud to you. This can have the added benefit of noticing flaws in your writing through interpretation of a second party.

-show, don't tell. Essentially for fight scenes you should describe the experience that the main participant is having. leave out the hypothetical "this attack could do this" and describe what the attack "is doing" in that moment of the fight. If a punch produces a force that creates a shock-wave capable of splitting the ground in two, then describe the act of it happening.

Snippet Example:
Perhaps he believed she’d been committed to the last attack, and in part he would not be incorrect in making such an assumption. But this time would be different. Nadežhda’s Sonido ended with the two of them face-to-face. Right arm retracted, forcing its way into Ulquiorra’s space. She would strike. Be it air, Ulquiorra himself, or perhaps even his sword if he managed to block in time. But regardless of the reaction he took, Nadežhda’s attack would see the terrain behind her opponent cry out in pain as it became crushed, shattering away with the force of her blow.

^ Granted this probably isn't the best example since it's an open-ended post and I'm anticipating different reactions from the other participant, but the idea is that despite the opposition's actions Nadežhda’s own action has an involved effect in the moment it happens, on not just her opponent, but the world around them as well.
 
Last edited:

Kamelingil

Multiversal Author
Joined
Aug 27, 2023
Messages
277
Points
43
Too much 'Starshine'. There is no need to repeat her name all the time.
Also. Why are two persons speaking in the same paragraph?
I can just skip to using "her" After I mention the name? I didn't know that, I'll change it.

I don't know how the dialogues works as I only have read 1 romance novel and nothing more...
 

Aiyoki

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 14, 2022
Messages
131
Points
58
I don't know how the dialogues works as I only have read 1 romance novel and nothing more...

Generally before going into an interchange of dialogue, you first would want to establish who's speaking. Each subsequent paragraph during the exchange can then transition back and forth between the two involved people without needing to constantly remind the reader of who's speaking. Each new paragraph is one person's thoughts, words, and/or actions. If you move to a different person's thoughts, words, and/or actions then you should break it into a new paragraph.

"I thought you put the pasta back in the fridge like I asked you to." Sally groaned in annoyance as she noticed the bowl of moldy noodles sitting on the kitchen counter.

"Sorry, I forgot." Jimmy replied sheepishly.

"Seriously!? That was the last of our pasta until next week!"

"It was?"

"Yeah, now what do you expect us to eat?"

"Well, there's bread in the freezer. We could maybe thaw that out?"

"Ugh, I swear, you can be such a pain sometime!"

"Sorry..."

"Whatever." Sally breathed an exasperated sigh before pulling open the freezer door and grabbing the loaf of frozen bread from inside.
----------
Visually breaking this down what we get is as follows:

(Sally)
"I thought you put the pasta back in the fridge like I asked you to." Sally groaned in annoyance as she noticed the bowl of moldy noodles sitting on the kitchen counter.

(Jimmy)
"Sorry, I forgot." Jimmy replied sheepishly.

(Sally)
"Seriously!? That was the last of our pasta until next week!"

(Jimmy)
"It was?"

(Sally)
"Yeah, now what do you expect us to eat?"

(Jimmy)
"Well, there's bread in the freezer. We could maybe thaw that out?"

(Sally)
"Ugh, I swear, you can be such a pain sometime!"

(Jimmy)
"Sorry..."

(Sally)
"Whatever." Sally breathed an exasperated sigh before pulling open the freezer door and grabbing the loaf of frozen bread from inside.
 
Last edited:

Enkiari

Active member
Joined
Oct 1, 2023
Messages
132
Points
43
I can just skip to using "her" After I mention the name? I didn't know that, I'll change it.

I don't know how the dialogues works as I only have read 1 romance novel and nothing more...
Sure. Once you establish who the paragraph is about, you can use 'she/her'.
But the other mistake in that paragraph is much more serious.
While there can be exceptions, never have two persons speak in the same paragraph.
 

Kamelingil

Multiversal Author
Joined
Aug 27, 2023
Messages
277
Points
43
Generally before going into an interchange of dialogue, you first would want to establish who's speaking. Each subsequent paragraph during the exchange can then transition back and forth between the two involved people without needing to constantly remind the reader of who's speaking. Each new paragraph is one person's thoughts, words, and/or actions. If you move to a different person's thoughts, words, and/or actions then you should break it into a new paragraph.

"I thought you put the pasta back in the fridge like I asked you to." Sally groaned in annoyance as she noticed the bowl of moldy noodles sitting on the kitchen counter.

"Sorry, I forgot." Jimmy replied sheepishly.

"Seriously!? That was the last of our pasta until next week!"

"It was?"

"Yeah, now what do you expect us to eat?"

"Well, there's bread in the freezer. We could maybe thaw that out?"

"Ugh, I swear, you can be such a pain sometime!"

"Sorry..."

"Whatever." Sally breathed an exasperated sigh before pulling open the freezer door and grabbing the loaf of frozen bread from inside.
----------
Visually breaking this down what we get is as follows:

(Sally)
"I thought you put the pasta back in the fridge like I asked you to." Sally groaned in annoyance as she noticed the bowl of moldy noodles sitting on the kitchen counter.

(Jimmy)
"Sorry, I forgot." Jimmy replied sheepishly.

(Sally)
"Seriously!? That was the last of our pasta until next week!"

(Jimmy)
"It was?"

(Sally)
"Yeah, now what do you expect us to eat?"

(Jimmy)
"Well, there's bread in the freezer. We could maybe thaw that out?"

(Sally)
"Ugh, I swear, you can be such a pain sometime!"

(Jimmy)
"Sorry..."

(Sally)
"Whatever." Sally breathed an exasperated sigh before pulling open the freezer door and grabbing the loaf of frozen bread from inside.
But if there are more people, the names are necessary?
 
Top