We're looking for motivated, hard working individuals to join our team.
> And also pushovers, slaves, and those who are willing to give up their free will.
APPLY NOW
> Because you can't survive from the government teat forever
Responsibilities:
> AKA, do all the work for us.
- Excellent customer service
> So the manager doesn't have to.
- Taking orders and handling cash (POS system)
> If only we can hire a monkey for this, we would
- Serving soft-serve ice cream, milkshakes, tea, and preparing toppings
> For low pay and you can't take any home for free either
- Stocking of front-end supplies
> Be in the back and don't talk to anyone
- Inventory check and request
> And taking the blame when the manager forgot to order something important.
- Cleaning and maintaining equipment and service areas
> When the manager is actually paying attention.
- Opening/closing store
> At random, without warning, notified one hour before your planned shift starts.
- Running daily reports
> A job for the manager, but sure, it's not like I have a life or anything.
Requirements:
- Clean, professional, positive, energetic individual who enjoys working as part of a team
> Unlike the manager
- Incredibly friendly, continually reliable, customer-focused, absolutely dedicated
> Even if you have to fake it.
- Ability to learn quickly and follow detailed instruction/direction
> Like a good robot should
- High attention to detail, speed and accuracy
> Without expecting the pay that goes with it
- Must be eligible to work in the U.S.
> Even though we'll pay you as if you are an illegal immigrant
- Flexible schedule and weekends, holidays required
> Don't bother with that foolish thing called "having a life"
- California Food Handler Certificate is required once hired
> Even though we won't check or maybe even forget this exists.
Job training:
> PFFFT!
Date and time will be confirmed
> Or when the manager feels like it, which is never.
JOB APPLICATION
> Yeah, yeah. Alright, fine.
Name: [redacted]
Phone: [redacted]
Email Address: [redacted]
Address: [redacted]
Why are you applying?
> Well, I did want to work with ice cream, but maybe I shouldn't work here based on the glassdoor reviews for your company. However, I'll give you a chance since we're both desperate. I mean, who wants to do absolutely nothing and still get paid by the government weekly far more than a minimum wage job could possibly give you in a month's time? How silly of people to not get a soul sucking job right now when they are so abundant.
Well, anyways, I want to work with ice cream because after working for a decade in the food industry, I really want to work in a cool place, like literally, cold. It's so dang hot in Los Angeles. Yeah, and, uh, you know, work experience, trying to build my business, learn about people skills, the usual. I need cash, but I'll be realistic and just expect minimum wage, which is like $14, but hey, drop me $15 will you? Unless you expect me to work at night, in which case, you better pony up, making me go home at midnight in the ghetto, which is the only place I can afford if you're going to be paltry with the pay.
What type of position are you looking for?: Full time, Part time
> Might as well go with full time. I mean, this isn't a choice, you want a full time person, I know it. Nobody wants to work right now, you should be lucky I still have these morals that keep me from being lazy and just living off the government. But hey, at least it's not at night, even though you're going to make me.
Which position are you applying for? HR, Marketing Analyst, Accounting, Store Manager
> Wow, what choices! Let me pull out my very prestigious and highly academic GED and you tell me which of these greatly valued positions you think is right for my overqualified credentials!
If hired, can you present evidence of your U. S. citizenship or proof of your legal right to live and work in the United States?:
> Ha! As if you care. In fact, you probably want some illegal immigrant. I mean, what are they going to do if they complain? File a report with the authorities?
If hired, do you have a reliable means of transportation to and from work?:
> Yeah, peddling my ass off in my bike in the burning sun of Los Angeles, where summer overstays its welcome. I would get an Uber, but my entire paycheck would be eaten up by the time I get the next one. As for public transportation, I'd rather not get some undiscovered disease far worse than Covid from that petri dish known as the bus.
Do you have a valid Food Handlers Certificate?:
> Does one from 2002 count? No? Fine, I'll get a recent one.
Are you at least 18 years old?:
> Yeah.
Can you provide a valid workers permit?:
> I just said I'm over 18. Why is this question included if you answer yes to the previous one. See, this is why you hire professionals to make your online application instead of making me copy and paste this into notepad.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime (other than as stated above or vehicle code infractions)?:
> No.
Have you ever pleaded nolo contendere (or no contest) to a crime (other than as stated above or vehicle code infractions)?:
> No.
Are you currently out of jail on bail or on your own recognizance, or the subject of any pending criminal investigation or proceeding (other than as stated above or vehicle code infractions)? :
> No.
Have you been the subject of any civil action alleging fraud, dishonesty, misrepresentation, theft, misappropriation, or violations related to trade secrets or confidential information during the last seven years?:
> Okay, what's with these questions? Jeez, what kind of employees have you gotten in the past? Oh wait, I'm applying in a location in Los Angeles. Alright, I gotcha. The answer is no.
Please, enter and upload in the format above.
> You call this a format?
