I need someone to look at my first chapter 😸

Enchant

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I just posted a new novel and I just wanted someone to read through it and to give me any feedback if there's any wrong grammar and also about the story.
 

CadmarLegend

@Agentt found a key in the skeletons.
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I just posted a new novel and I just wanted someone to read through it and to give me any feedback if there's any wrong grammar and also about the story.
The prologue creates a sense of mystery and intrigue as the protagonist, Yami chinichiro, wakes up in an unknown place and meets a young girl who claims to be a demon god. The dialogue between Yami and Akane effectively establishes the premise of the story - that Yami has been transported to another world where he is tasked with protecting the demon kind from heroes who want to destroy them. The revelation that the girl is not in her true form, but an avatar, adds to the sense of fantasy and otherworldliness. The climax of the passage, where Akane offers Yami the power to become a demon lord, sets up a clear conflict and goal for the story and leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next.

Overall, the passage effectively establishes the setting, characters, and premise of the story. However, there are a few ways that it could be improved to make it even more engaging for the reader.
  1. Building more tension: The passage could benefit from more tension and suspense. For example, when Yami wakes up in the unknown place, you could add a sentence or two to describe how he is feeling, such as he is feeling scared, confused and disoriented. This would help the reader to feel more connected to his experience.
  2. Adding more detail: The passage could also benefit from more descriptive detail to help the reader visualize the setting and characters. For example, you could describe the shape of the mountains, the color of the flowers in Akane's hair, or the texture of the ring that she gives to Yami.
  3. Showing more of Yami's character: We know that Yami is confused and scared when he wakes up, but it would be interesting to know more about him, what kind of person he is, his personality, his past, his hobbies and his values. This will help the reader to connect with him and make them care about what happens to him.
  4. Developing Akane's character: Akane is a demon god, and it would be interesting to know more about her, what kind of demon she is, her history, her personality, her motivations and her goals. This will help the reader to understand her and make them care about her.
  5. Adding more dialogue: The dialogue in the passage is effective, but it could be expanded to give more insight into the characters and the situation. For example, you could add more of Yami's thoughts and feelings as he talks to Akane.
By focusing on these points, you will be able to create a more engaging and immersive story for the reader.
 

Enchant

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The prologue creates a sense of mystery and intrigue as the protagonist, Yami chinichiro, wakes up in an unknown place and meets a young girl who claims to be a demon god. The dialogue between Yami and Akane effectively establishes the premise of the story - that Yami has been transported to another world where he is tasked with protecting the demon kind from heroes who want to destroy them. The revelation that the girl is not in her true form, but an avatar, adds to the sense of fantasy and otherworldliness. The climax of the passage, where Akane offers Yami the power to become a demon lord, sets up a clear conflict and goal for the story and leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next.

Overall, the passage effectively establishes the setting, characters, and premise of the story. However, there are a few ways that it could be improved to make it even more engaging for the reader.
  1. Building more tension: The passage could benefit from more tension and suspense. For example, when Yami wakes up in the unknown place, you could add a sentence or two to describe how he is feeling, such as he is feeling scared, confused, and disoriented. This would help the reader to feel more connected to his experience.
  2. Adding more detail: The passage could also benefit from more descriptive detail to help the reader visualize the setting and characters. For example, you could describe the shape of the mountains, the color of the flowers in Akane's hair, or the texture of the ring that she gives to Yami.
  3. Showing more of Yami's character: We know that Yami is confused and scared when he wakes up, but it would be interesting to know more about him, what kind of person he is, his personality, his past, his hobbies, and his values. This will help the reader to connect with him and make them care about what happens to him.
  4. Developing Akane's character: Akane is a demon god, and it would be interesting to know more about her, what kind of demon she is, her history, her personality, her motivations, and her goals. This will help the reader to understand her and make them care about her.
  5. Adding more dialogue: The dialogue in the passage is effective, but it could be expanded to give more insight into the characters and the situation. For example, you could add more of Yami's thoughts and feelings as he talks to Akane.
By focusing on these points, you will be able to create a more engaging and immersive story for the reader.
Thanks for the great feedback I will keep that in mind😭☺️👍
 
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