I need to know if I am writing this scene well or not.

Sylver

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The latest chapter in my story introduced the first argument between the main characters. I'll give you the TLDR of the story so far.

During a bad storm, a lonely farmer named Felix finds an unconscious cat and takes her into his home. Or well, he's a caretaker but the owner is away. She is a cat girl in disguise named KuliKuli, but suffers from memory loss so he decides to let her stay and cares for her. The two develop a relationship and fall in love, while making some new friends on the way.

Now the start of this chapter is the conclusion of a catastrophic field trip where their friend, Janette, invited them into a nearby city to get out more and visit a circus. It did not go well. A lot happened and they freed a Monster Girl from captivity. The cat girl (KuliKuli) invited her to their home to hide and be safe but her partner (Felix) rejected that offer.

So this chapter is where this loving pair vent their frustrations at each other and have a fight for the first time. It's my first novel and I've been writing it in a slice of life format with drama and romance, but there's been this underlying mystery behind KuliKuli's past that looms around like a dark cloud in an otherwise sunny day. I would like your feedback on this chapter to see if the argument works well, or if it's silly. I rarely get comments and I've been working on increasing my overall stats, but it's been really slow.

I greatly appreciate your time and feedback. Let me know if it's written well or needs improvement and how, there is no wrong feedback here. Just a writer trying to see if she's doing okay in her content. :blobthumbsup:

 

melchi

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Seems like it is a smut story. I generally don't like most of them.

From the post it is hard to say. Is the fight important to advancing the plot? If the point is the romance between those two people having a fight would make it more realistic. Having a heroine that never butts heads with the main character seems a little less than human sometimes.
 

Notadate

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Could you be more specific, like any details as to how it needs improvement?
No. Also sex. Nm sex. You have big blocks of, well, useless stuff. Like eating bread, but there is too much crust. The crust is hard and dusty. You want to get to the good stuff, but it would be a waste to throw away the crust.

You seem to over describe shit when it doesn’t need to. Also my opinion, sex scenes with like over descriptions are kinda shit. Turns off anyone reading and makes me press SHIFT to skip through it, and get to the scenes.

-
Took liberties, but I hope this can help. This cut like 50% and like if you want to include moon cycles. Make one up. Lunbar. The moon rested in the sky, the moons in their Lunbar cycle. Its light illuminated the road. Etc etc
-
The trip back from their night at Kershin Market would be a long one. The moonlight illuminated the road enough to see the path that led from the city to the green hills ahead. The horse pulled the carriage forward. Their hooves and grunts echoed out.

The lonely road was filled with gossip and conversations — beneath that was a bright feeling of hope, hope for a better future.

Time past and once they hit the gates not a soul dare break the silence. (Fucking weird, but okay. Can souls speech? You repeated here to. Double description.)

No one would speak or look at one another. They knew what they’ll see, they didn’t want to admit it, not now. They didn’t want to see the exhaustion, defeat, guilt and terror on the faces of their fellow men and women for what they survive. They wanted to hold this moment of silence, peace, then after this. They’ll work.

They will mourn. They won’t forget. They will work and continue on.
 
Last edited:

MatchaChocolate69

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I'm missing the context because I haven't started reading your novel yet. It's on my reading list and then I'll give you a more detailed comment. I gave it a quick read, and I don't see any particular issues except for one: huge blocks of text.
They are too heavy.
You should break them into 4/5 sentences for a paragraph and space them out with an empty line.
For example this one:
"I wouldn't ask for that, we've no idea what that could mean for us. Someone has a bounty for you for all we know, that terrifies me. I don't know how it doesn't frighten you. But I don't want to know if my partner was responsible for any malicious things before. I don't want that in my conscious, not after what we've shared and been through. And then you want to invite a snake girl in here too as if we were harboring some monster girl shelter in here, in a cabin that isn't even mine. You asked if it would make a difference if she were a dog girl or cat girl, and I think I would still say no. I trusted you when I agreed to let Reta stay, and I don't regret that. We've come to know each other a bit and connect better, I see that. But what if she stayed, then what? Would the snake stay here for a day? A week? A month? What happens next, what do we do if they come after her? How would she hide? What would she eat? Tell me, you don't know either. This isn't something we can take lightly, not anymore. People out there, they hate monster girls, hate them with a passion. You want to know why they hide? It's because they are hunted, they are killed. Because if people don't push them away, they'll hunt them instead. People say stories about how they assault you, torture you, how-how they have their way with you and then leave you for dead. And I believed them once, until I met you. But then I took a chance with you, I saw you were scared, you were lost too. You looked up to me and it was the first time anyone ever needed me. I felt like I existed again, I was scared but I was happy too. And I saw that you were different, and now I wonder if other monster girls are too. But then I remember that people can be monsters in the dark, when you have your back turned. People can be cruel, they can be evil. Monster girls or other races are all the same, I just would rather not take a chance and trust the wrong person because if I did, I would be losing you. I can't live with that, I can't. So, if closing that door keeps us safe from harm, I would do it. I would. And I'm sorry, I would never ever want you to feel like a prisoner in this home. But if you feel like I am holding you back, than that withers my spirit. I won't stop you, and if you want to get your memories back I won't stop that either. I just want you safe and I want you happy, can't we have both?"
 

Notadate

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I'm missing the context because I haven't started reading your novel yet. It's on my reading list and then I'll give you a more detailed comment. I gave it a quick read, and I don't see any particular issues except for one: huge blocks of text.
They are too heavy.
You should break them into 4/5 sentences for a paragraph and space them out with an empty line.
For example this one:
"I wouldn't ask for that, we've no idea what that could mean for us. Someone has a bounty for you for all we know, that terrifies me. I don't know how it doesn't frighten you. But I don't want to know if my partner was responsible for any malicious things before. I don't want that in my conscious, not after what we've shared and been through. And then you want to invite a snake girl in here too as if we were harboring some monster girl shelter in here, in a cabin that isn't even mine. You asked if it would make a difference if she were a dog girl or cat girl, and I think I would still say no. I trusted you when I agreed to let Reta stay, and I don't regret that. We've come to know each other a bit and connect better, I see that. But what if she stayed, then what? Would the snake stay here for a day? A week? A month? What happens next, what do we do if they come after her? How would she hide? What would she eat? Tell me, you don't know either. This isn't something we can take lightly, not anymore. People out there, they hate monster girls, hate them with a passion. You want to know why they hide? It's because they are hunted, they are killed. Because if people don't push them away, they'll hunt them instead. People say stories about how they assault you, torture you, how-how they have their way with you and then leave you for dead. And I believed them once, until I met you. But then I took a chance with you, I saw you were scared, you were lost too. You looked up to me and it was the first time anyone ever needed me. I felt like I existed again, I was scared but I was happy too. And I saw that you were different, and now I wonder if other monster girls are too. But then I remember that people can be monsters in the dark, when you have your back turned. People can be cruel, they can be evil. Monster girls or other races are all the same, I just would rather not take a chance and trust the wrong person because if I did, I would be losing you. I can't live with that, I can't. So, if closing that door keeps us safe from harm, I would do it. I would. And I'm sorry, I would never ever want you to feel like a prisoner in this home. But if you feel like I am holding you back, than that withers my spirit. I won't stop you, and if you want to get your memories back I won't stop that either. I just want you safe and I want you happy, can't we have both?"
Agree.
 

Sylver

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I'm missing the context because I haven't started reading your novel yet. It's on my reading list and then I'll give you a more detailed comment. I gave it a quick read, and I don't see any particular issues except for one: huge blocks of text.
They are too heavy.
You should break them into 4/5 sentences for a paragraph and space them out with an empty line.
For example this one:
"I wouldn't ask for that, we've no idea what that could mean for us. Someone has a bounty for you for all we know, that terrifies me. I don't know how it doesn't frighten you. But I don't want to know if my partner was responsible for any malicious things before. I don't want that in my conscious, not after what we've shared and been through. And then you want to invite a snake girl in here too as if we were harboring some monster girl shelter in here, in a cabin that isn't even mine. You asked if it would make a difference if she were a dog girl or cat girl, and I think I would still say no. I trusted you when I agreed to let Reta stay, and I don't regret that. We've come to know each other a bit and connect better, I see that. But what if she stayed, then what? Would the snake stay here for a day? A week? A month? What happens next, what do we do if they come after her? How would she hide? What would she eat? Tell me, you don't know either. This isn't something we can take lightly, not anymore. People out there, they hate monster girls, hate them with a passion. You want to know why they hide? It's because they are hunted, they are killed. Because if people don't push them away, they'll hunt them instead. People say stories about how they assault you, torture you, how-how they have their way with you and then leave you for dead. And I believed them once, until I met you. But then I took a chance with you, I saw you were scared, you were lost too. You looked up to me and it was the first time anyone ever needed me. I felt like I existed again, I was scared but I was happy too. And I saw that you were different, and now I wonder if other monster girls are too. But then I remember that people can be monsters in the dark, when you have your back turned. People can be cruel, they can be evil. Monster girls or other races are all the same, I just would rather not take a chance and trust the wrong person because if I did, I would be losing you. I can't live with that, I can't. So, if closing that door keeps us safe from harm, I would do it. I would. And I'm sorry, I would never ever want you to feel like a prisoner in this home. But if you feel like I am holding you back, than that withers my spirit. I won't stop you, and if you want to get your memories back I won't stop that either. I just want you safe and I want you happy, can't we have both?"
Okay, I went and edited the chapter with a focus on splitting some of the heavier paragraphs into two.

Although, I'm not sure about changing the example you shared. Sigh, this might hurt a bit but I guess I need to tone back my own ambition and effort into my content. The point of the heavy paragraph at the end, the example you shared, was that up to this point Felix hasn't spoken to this extent but now in this argument they're having, he's spilling every concern he's been storing inside. He's letting go, like breaking a damn and unleashing a river, and it's meant to be overwhelming.

I can break off the final line he says to add more weight to it. But I guess I need to treat this more casually in the future. Maybe in the future I can make it work.

Thank you and let me know if it needs improvement or if it reads better now!
 

Kalliel

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I'm missing the context because I haven't started reading your novel yet. It's on my reading list and then I'll give you a more detailed comment. I gave it a quick read, and I don't see any particular issues except for one: huge blocks of text.
They are too heavy.
You should break them into 4/5 sentences for a paragraph and space them out with an empty line.
For example this one:
"I wouldn't ask for that, we've no idea what that could mean for us. Someone has a bounty for you for all we know, that terrifies me. I don't know how it doesn't frighten you. But I don't want to know if my partner was responsible for any malicious things before. I don't want that in my conscious, not after what we've shared and been through. And then you want to invite a snake girl in here too as if we were harboring some monster girl shelter in here, in a cabin that isn't even mine. You asked if it would make a difference if she were a dog girl or cat girl, and I think I would still say no. I trusted you when I agreed to let Reta stay, and I don't regret that. We've come to know each other a bit and connect better, I see that. But what if she stayed, then what? Would the snake stay here for a day? A week? A month? What happens next, what do we do if they come after her? How would she hide? What would she eat? Tell me, you don't know either. This isn't something we can take lightly, not anymore. People out there, they hate monster girls, hate them with a passion. You want to know why they hide? It's because they are hunted, they are killed. Because if people don't push them away, they'll hunt them instead. People say stories about how they assault you, torture you, how-how they have their way with you and then leave you for dead. And I believed them once, until I met you. But then I took a chance with you, I saw you were scared, you were lost too. You looked up to me and it was the first time anyone ever needed me. I felt like I existed again, I was scared but I was happy too. And I saw that you were different, and now I wonder if other monster girls are too. But then I remember that people can be monsters in the dark, when you have your back turned. People can be cruel, they can be evil. Monster girls or other races are all the same, I just would rather not take a chance and trust the wrong person because if I did, I would be losing you. I can't live with that, I can't. So, if closing that door keeps us safe from harm, I would do it. I would. And I'm sorry, I would never ever want you to feel like a prisoner in this home. But if you feel like I am holding you back, than that withers my spirit. I won't stop you, and if you want to get your memories back I won't stop that either. I just want you safe and I want you happy, can't we have both?"
Eminem is that you?

Jokes aside, you really shouldn't make a paragraph like this. It will break immersion more than splitting the paragraph into two or three. People's eyes have limits, they won't be happy reading that.

And I'm not sure if I like seeing that much babbling in the first place, granted, I have no idea what we are doing here.
 

Sylver

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Do you mean not much sex? There's no sex in this chapter.
if you want to include moon cycles. Make one up
It's a nice idea, but I'm already taking a lot of creative liberties with different species, races, cultures and world building. Sometimes it helps to keep things a bit simpler, but I do appreciate the idea.

my opinion, sex scenes with like over descriptions are kinda shit. Turns off anyone reading and makes me press SHIFT to skip through it, and get to the scenes.
But I don't like writing sex that's to the point :/ sex is something of an emotional experience from my perspective. Maybe it's just me, but I relish in the details, the emotions, the experience, and what the characters are thinking about. Sex is more than just physical pleasure, at least in my mind. I'm sorry about that, it might be a case where my work doesn't fit what you're looking for :(

You seem to over describe shit when it doesn’t need to.
I'll need to ask around about that. It may be a real thing but it's difficult for me to just write straight to the point. I see the content play in my mind first, I see the actions, the scenario, and I do my best to translate it on text. Maybe I need to read more stories on this site to compare, but I didn't realize my descriptions were an issue for some. This is something for me to investigate, but all in all thank you for your feedback.
Eminem is that you?

Jokes aside, you really shouldn't make a paragraph like this. It will break immersion more than splitting the paragraph into two or three. People's eyes have limits, they won't be happy reading that.

And I'm not sure if I like seeing that much babbling in the first place, granted, I have no idea what we are doing here.
Hmm, I suppose so. I did break up the content to make it less heavy. I mentioned my thoughts about that in the response, but if the edits lead to more readers giving my stuff a chance then I'll do it.
 

MatchaChocolate69

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Okay, I went and edited the chapter with a focus on splitting some of the heavier paragraphs into two.

Although, I'm not sure about changing the example you shared. Sigh, this might hurt a bit but I guess I need to tone back my own ambition and effort into my content. The point of the heavy paragraph at the end, the example you shared, was that up to this point Felix hasn't spoken to this extent but now in this argument they're having, he's spilling every concern he's been storing inside. He's letting go, like breaking a damn and unleashing a river, and it's meant to be overwhelming.

I can break off the final line he says to add more weight to it. But I guess I need to treat this more casually in the future. Maybe in the future I can make it work.

Thank you and let me know if it needs improvement or if it reads better now!

That's much better. 👍
A piece of advice I can give you is that when you have such long dialogues, divide them into two or three parts, always spaced by an empty line. Don't worry, the reader will understand who is continuing to speak, but if it seems not so clear, you can reinforce it with, for example, "He said."
 

JOSHUABARAT18

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First of all your scenario actually good, i can't give you the answer but i can clear the situation of your novel, first of all, the mc felix is a human and the ml is the catwoman so you need to make their first
 

GoodPerson

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The latest chapter in my story introduced the first argument between the main characters. I'll give you the TLDR of the story so far.

During a bad storm, a lonely farmer named Felix finds an unconscious cat and takes her into his home. Or well, he's a caretaker but the owner is away. She is a cat girl in disguise named KuliKuli, but suffers from memory loss so he decides to let her stay and cares for her. The two develop a relationship and fall in love, while making some new friends on the way.

Now the start of this chapter is the conclusion of a catastrophic field trip where their friend, Janette, invited them into a nearby city to get out more and visit a circus. It did not go well. A lot happened and they freed a Monster Girl from captivity. The cat girl (KuliKuli) invited her to their home to hide and be safe but her partner (Felix) rejected that offer.

So this chapter is where this loving pair vent their frustrations at each other and have a fight for the first time. It's my first novel and I've been writing it in a slice of life format with drama and romance, but there's been this underlying mystery behind KuliKuli's past that looms around like a dark cloud in an otherwise sunny day. I would like your feedback on this chapter to see if the argument works well, or if it's silly. I rarely get comments and I've been working on increasing my overall stats, but it's been really slow.

I greatly appreciate your time and feedback. Let me know if it's written well or needs improvement and how, there is no wrong feedback here. Just a writer trying to see if she's doing okay in her content. :blobthumbsup:

I have one, simple suggestion.







This is a reader's thread. Why are you here?

I hope you can move this thread to where it appropriately belongs.







Also, people here will definitely criticize your work brutally and with honest. Actually, that already happened.
 

Sylver

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I have one, simple suggestion.







This is a reader's thread. Why are you here?

I hope you can move this thread to where it appropriately belongs.







Also, people here will definitely criticize your work brutally and with honest. Actually, that already happened.
Is this not posted in the Latest Chapter Discussion thread? At the time, this was the latest chapter so it fits.

I did ask for honesty and criticism :) no big deal. I don't expect anyone to outright say it's the worst thing they ever read and for them to believe that themselves. But thank you for your input, it's appreciated nonetheless.
 

GoodPerson

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Is this not posted in the Latest Chapter Discussion thread? At the time, this was the latest chapter so it fits.

I did ask for honesty and criticism :) no big deal. I don't expect anyone to outright say it's the worst thing they ever read and for them to believe that themselves. But thank you for your input, it's appreciated nonetheless.
Gurl, this has something to do with author's stuff.

If a person needs help to fix their story, that counts as an author asking other authors to help try better their novels.

So, it is not and should not be included in the latest chapter discussion.

Remember, this thread category falls under the reader's thread.
 

Sylver

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Gurl, this has something to do with author's stuff.

If a person needs help to fix their story, that counts as an author asking other authors to help try better their novels.

So, it is not and should not be included in the latest chapter discussion.

Remember, this thread category falls under the reader's thread.
Eh, I'd argue that it fits here. I wasn't asking for writer's advice specifically, more so a readers perception and perspective. But no harm in the post being here, it's a few months old so no reason to make a scene or big deal about its presence. I already got the input I was aiming for :s_smile:
 

GoodPerson

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Eh, I'd argue that it fits here. I wasn't asking for writer's advice specifically, more so a readers perception and perspective. But no harm in the post being here, it's a few months old so no reason to make a scene or big deal about its presence. I already got the input I was aiming for :s_smile:
Well, Off to visit your mo-

Oh, good.
 

uCare

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@GoodPerson
Sorry to tag you into bringing this topic back up but would Story Feedback be a better fit for this request? Asking for a "friend".
 
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