I need YOU to Help ME with the editing (grammar and sentence flow) of the prologue

[mitkopom]

The prologue is about 1,3 k words, so it wont take much of your time may be 20-30 minutes. +Most of the grammar mistakes have been fixed thanks to an enthusiastic reader!
So! You are bored and You have nothing to do but to show your skills in writing(editing)?!
Contact me and let's get that thing done!
Me and you! Together!
=
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

chapter name: ARC I Prologue 1: Tragedy

ARC I - Birth of a Legend​

It was late January evening. Tom Tailor was driving his luxury company car on a highway A1 in Bulgaria. The snowfall was very heavy, visibility was getting worse as the Sun set down minutes ago. Tom was getting warried if they will reach the construction site before they close the road. It was that bad of a blizzard. He scrunched his eyes behind the glasses trying to focus on the snowy road. The asphalt’s black was gone and it was all white everywhere, glistering sparks caused by the car’s headlights.

Tom glanced right towards his wife Caroline sitting next to him and pouting heavy. She was giving him a nasty glare. She was not happy.
-“I am sorry” mumbled Tom for the n-tieth time this evening.
- Hah, you are sorry? Sorry you say… I was planning to hit the malls with Tracy and Stephany. It is everything on sale now after the holidays. Caroline voice was getting higher pitched every minute
-"I am s…” Tom failed to finish.
- "You are dragging Cristina and me over those dumpster of construction sites all year round. Once, ..at least one time of the year me and my daughter expect, hope to relax back in the FAKIN civilisation. Now Caroline was screaming.
- “Hey don’t mix me in the argument. I don’t care” said Cristina from the back seat. She sounded bored, scrolling her phone.

Tom glanced in the mirror at Cristina. His one and only child. Warmth spread in his mind looking at her. What a fine lady was she growing up. He was a very conservative family man. He loved his wife and even more his precious daughter. Tom focused on the road again. Car was getting unstable even with those fancy systems of a brand new heavy limousine.

-“It was emergency calling. I need to be present for testing the auxiliary cooling systems of the nuclear plant. Bulgarian government is pushing for an early completion than the arranged deadline” said Tom

-“I don’t care” grumbled Caroline

Tom turned his head right towards his wife to continue the argument. Right this moment both his wife and daughter screamed in unison.
He immediately focused on the road. His ayes went wide as saucers. He didn’t had a time to scream as a 40 tone truck flew over the crash barrier coming from the opposite line. It hit them with a massive force frontal- sideways. Airbags blew up everywhere as the heavy car was sent spinning in rolling motion outside the road. Tom vision went blank with only the horrible tire screeches and sounds of metal grinding in the background.

It just happened in a instant. Moments later sharp pain in Tom’s abdomen woke him up from his stupor. He cried in shock seeing a metal bar stuck in his body. Tom panicked when he thought about his wife and daughter, pain immediately shut in the back of his mind. He drew his hand and shook Caroline, who looked conscious but dazed.

-“Honey.. Honey ! Look at me, please!" said Tom

Shortly after Caroline’s eyes focused on him.

“ What? What happened? mumbled Caroline

-" We had an accident. We crashed" said Tom while turning his gaze back to his daughter. Airbags were deflating and a horrid smell of gas was sneaking from bellow.

-"Cristine!” Shouted Coroline. “Oh my daughter”.. ..

-"Honey!! She looks ok. Don’t panic. We got to evacuate now, I don’t like the smell. cried Tom . “Hurry up, try open the door!” ordered Tom

-“I can’t. It's stuck” cried Caroline

Tom pushed his door which opened easily. Removed his seat belt and cried in pain when he pulled out the metal bar and exited the car. World spin, his vision got blurry. Tom gathered his will, adrenaline pumping. He had to save his family no matter the cost. He slumped around to the other side of the car or what was left of it as- it looked like smashed can. Caroline won’t be able to exit from his door as several metal rods has spiked in the middle, blocking her path. He elbowed the already cracked window of the passenger seat with every ounce of strength he manage to master. Then cleared the residual glass and helped Caroline as she was getting trough already. Pain in his abdomen flared. Tom gritted his teeth and moved to the back door where Cristine was struggling with her seat belt. Something was wrong. Tom looked at the window. The top of the car was bent, there was no room for exit there. The door refused to open as well. Tom started to panic, gas smell was getting worse. The tank was leaking!.

-“Cristine come through your mom’s seat window! Hurry!” shouted Tom

-"I cant. I cant ! The seatbelt. It wont come out.. Daddy help, Aahh..". Cristine was crying, weakly struggling with the seatbelt.

Tom’s mind went to overdrive. Seat belt problem. A possible jammed mechanism. The belt must be cut out. He slumped around back to the driver seat. There he opened the door’s pocket where was his multi tool. A gadget every respected engineer must have. Quickly enabled the knife function and while seating in the driver seat turned around to face Cristine.

-"Here, Cris cut the belt!””

-“It wont open daddy. It…””- Cristine was heaving.

-“Hey, sunshine look at daddy. Look at me, please!”. – Tom tried to look calm. Finally, Cristine looked at him with some semblance of reason.

-"Cristine, now take this knife and cut the belt! ... Yes, that’s my girl.”… Careful,….. “

-“There!!!” shouted Tom smiling as his daughter finally managed to cut the stupid seat belt. It looked like eternity to him, but the process took less than 2 minutes.

-“Quickly, out through the window, hurry!” ordered Tom

Soon Cristine struggled to her mom’s seat, and later through the window with Caroline pulling her at the same time. Both mother and daughter fast retreated some distance from the already burning car. Tom mastered his strength, exited the vehicle and slowly arrived at the place where both his family were sitting. He dropped next to his wife on the ground, inspected them carefully with his hazing sight. There! It looked like both Caroline and Cristine are going to make it. Relief washed true his muddled mind. His family was safe. Now he can rest. He was feeling tired. He wanted to sleep.

Tom was not stupid. He knew he was losing tons of blood. ”I won’t make it” Tom felt the cold reality.

-“Cristine come closer, sunshine” Tom whispered.

-“Papa what wrong”? Mommy, papa don’t look good!" shouted Cristine.

-“Listen Cristine, I am so happy to have you, to watch you growing up from the little bundle of joy to the fine young lady you have become. I want you to keep going and never give up no matter what". Tom caughed blood.

-“Papa!” “”Honey” Both of his beloved girls were crying loud

-"Shhh. “ Carol, the insurance will settle for several million. Then the savings. You won’t have money issues”. Tom made a deep pause, as he was losing his sight. At least the pain was fading. Caroline was shaking her head, tears flowing rivers…

“- I love you! I love…” Tom couldn’t finish as he drew his last breath in this cold January night, laying in the snow in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by his grieving family in a distant foreign country. He was unfortunate indeed, but his early death triggered chain of events affecting fates of billions.
---------------------END of Prologue 1-----

 

[SailusGebel]

No.

 

[STakeshi]

No

 

[RetGod]

x)

 

[Corty]

It was ltae Jaaunry evnineg. Tom Toliar was driving his lruxuy coapmny car on a hiwhgay A1 in Buiragla. The snafwoll was vrey hyvae, vislibiity was geittng wsroe as the Sun set dwon mitunes aog. Tom was geittng wairred if tehy wlil rcaeh the contcurtsion stie brofee tehy csole the rdao. It was taht bad of a blrazzid. He schcnured his eeys bnihed the glssaes tniyrg to fucos on the swony rdao. The astlahp’s bcalk was gnoe and it was all wtihe eveehwyrre, gliretsing skraps cesuad by the c’ras heahgildts. Tom glcnaed rhgit torawds his wfie Cailorne siittng nxet to him and poitung hyvae. She was gnivig him a ntsay geral. She was not hyppa. -“I am syrro” mulbmed Tom for the n-eitth tmie tihs evnineg. - Hha, you are syrro? Srroy you sya… I was plinnang to hit the mllas wtih Tcary and Stnahpey. It is evehtyring on slae now aetfr the hoyadils. Cailorne vcioe was geittng hehgir pihcted erevy mtunie -"I am s…” Tom feliad to fisinh. - "oYu are driggang Critsina and me oevr tsohe dutspmer of contcurtsion setis all yaer rdnuo. Oecn, .a.t lsaet one tmie of the yaer me and my dathguer except, hpoe to ralex bcak in the FIKAN civitasilion. Now Cailorne was scrimaeng. - “eHy d’not mix me in the arnemugt. I d’not cera” siad Critsina form the bcak stae. She sodnued bdero, scillorng her penoh. Tom glcnaed in the morrir at Crnitsia. His one and olny cdlih. Wtmrah saerpd in his mnid loikong at hre. Waht a fnie lday was she griwong up. He was a vrey contavresive flimay mna. He levod his wfie and eevn mroe his proiceus daethgur. Tom fosuced on the raod aniag. Car was geittng unbatsle eevn wtih tsohe fcnay syetsms of a bnard new hvaey limisuone. -I“t was emnegrecy canillg. I need to be present for teitsng the auailixry coilong syetsms of the nuelcar ptnal. Buiraglan govmnreent is puihsng for an elray comtelpion tahn the argnared denildae” siad Tom -“I d’not cera” grlbmued Cailorne Tom tenrud his haed rhgit torawds his wfie to conitnue the arnemugt. Rhgit tihs mnemot btoh his wfie and dathguer scmaered in unosin. He immtaideely fosuced on the rdao. His aeys wnet wdie as sarecus. He d’ndit had a tmie to saercm as a 40 tnoe tcurk felw oevr the csarh bairrer cnimog form the opisopte leni. It hit tehm wtih a maissve fcroe fratnol- siyaweds. Aiabrgs belw up evehwyrere as the hvaey car was snet spinning in roillng moiton ouistde the rdao. Tom voisin wnet bnalk wtih olny the hobirrle trie schceeres and sdnuos of matel gridning in the bacuorgknd. It jsut hanepped in a innatst. Monemts letar srahp pian in T’mos abmoden wkoe him up form his stopur. He ceird in scohk snieeg a matel bar scutk in his bydo. Tom pakcined wehn he thguoht auobt his wfie and daethgur, pian immtaideely suht in the bcak of his mdni. He derw his hnad and soohk Canilore, who lekood cooicsnus but ddeza. -“yenoH.. Henoy ! Look at me, plesae!" siad Tom Shtroly aetfr Carniloe’s eeys fosuced on hmi. “ Wtah? Waht haeneppd? mulbmed Cailorne -" We had an acnedict. We crehsad" siad Tom wlihe tuinrng his gzae bcak to his daethgur. Aiabrgs wree deitalfng and a hirrod sleml of gas was snikaeng form beollw. -"Cnitsire!” Shtuoed Conilore. “Oh my daurethg”.. .. -"yenoH!! She lkoos ok. D’not pcina. We got to evaucate nwo, I d’not lkie the sllem. ceird Tom . “rruHy up, try oepn the d!roo” orreded Tom -“I ct’na. I'ts skcut” ceird Cailorne Tom pehsud his door wcihh oenepd ealisy. Revomed his saet blet and ceird in pian wehn he pellud out the matel bar and eetixd the cra. Wlrod snip, his voisin got blrruy. Tom garehted his wlli, adrlaneine punipmg. He had to svae his flimay no mettar the ctso. He slpmued anuord to the oehtr sdie of the car or waht was lfet of it as- it lekood lkie smhsaed cna. Cailorne w’not be albe to eixt form his door as sereval matel rdos has sekipd in the mildde, blikcong her phta. He elwobed the alaerdy crkcaed wodniw of the pagnesser saet wtih erevy ocnue of stgnerth he mganae to maetsr. Tehn clraeed the reudisal gsals and hepled Cailorne as she was geittng tguorh aldaery. Pian in his abmoden flerad. Tom grttied his tteeh and mevod to the bcak door wrehe Critsine was strlgguing wtih her saet btle. Soihtemng was wgnor. Tom lekood at the wiodnw. The top of the car was btne, trehe was no room for eixt tereh. The door resufed to oepn as wlle. Tom sttraed to pcina, gas sleml was geittng wesro. The tnak was legnika!. -“Ctsirine cmoe thuorgh yuor m’mos saet wiodnw! Huyrr!” shtuoed Tom -"I ctna. I cnat ! The selebtat. It wnot cmoe o.tu. Ddday hple, Aa..hh". Critsine was crniyg, wlkaey strlgguing wtih the selebtat. T’mos mnid wnet to oveirdrve. Saet blet prelbom. A pobissle jemmad mecinahsm. The blet msut be cut otu. He slpmued anuord bcak to the devirr stae. Trehe he oenepd the d’roos pekcot wrehe was his mtlui tloo. A gegdat erevy retcepsed eneniger msut heva. Qukcily enlbaed the kfine fuitcnon and wlihe seitang in the devirr saet tenrud anuord to fcae Crnitsie. -"reHe, Cirs cut the be!tl”” -I“t wnot oepn dydda. I””…t- Critsine was henivag. -yeH“, suihsnne look at dydda. Look at me, pl!esae”. – Tom teird to look cmla. Fillany, Critsine lekood at him wtih smoe senalbmce of reosan. -"Citsirne, now tkae tihs kfine and cut the btle! ... Yse, t’tahs my gi.lr”… Car,lufe….. “ -“T!ereh!!” shtuoed Tom smiling as his dathguer filanly maganed to cut the siputd saet btle. It lekood lkie etinrety to hmi, but the precoss took lses tahn 2 mietuns. -“Qkciuly, out thuorgh the wiodnw, huyrr!” orreded Tom Soon Critsine stlggured to her m’mos stae, and letar thuorgh the wodniw wtih Cailorne puillng her at the smae temi. Btoh mehtor and dathguer fsat retaerted smoe dinatsce form the alaerdy buinrng cra. Tom maretsed his sttgnerh, eetixd the vecihle and slwoly arvired at the pcale wrehe btoh his flimay wree sinittg. He drppoed nxet to his wfie on the grnuod, intcepsed tehm caluferly wtih his hnizag sthgi. Tereh! It lekood lkie btoh Cailorne and Critsine are gniog to mkae it. Reilef wehsad ture his muldded mdni. His flimay was sefa. Now he can rtse. He was feileng tderi. He wetnad to speel. Tom was not stipud. He kenw he was lnisog tnos of bdool. ”I w’not mkae it” Tom flet the clod retilay. -“Ctsirine cmoe clesor, sunihsne” Tom whirepsed. -paP“a waht wrgno”? Mymmo, ppaa d’not look g!doo" shtuoed Crnitsie. -“tsiLen Crnitsie, I am so hppay to hvae yuo, to wctah you griwong up form the llttie bldnue of joy to the fnie ynuog lday you hvae bemoce. I wnat you to keep gniog and never gvie up no mettar w"tah. Tom cahgued bdool. -“apaP!” “”enoHy” Btoh of his bevoled glris wree cniyrg luod -"hhSh. “ Clora, the innarusce wlil slttee for sereval mioilln. Tehn the sagnivs. You w’not hvae menoy isseus”. Tom mdae a deep pesua, as he was lnisog his sthgi. At lsaet the pian was fanidg. Cailorne was shikang her hdae, traes fliwong rirevs… “- I lvoe yuo! I l…evo” Tom condlu’t fsinih as he derw his lsat btaerh in tihs clod Jaaunry nthgi, lniyag in the sonw in the mlddie of norehwe, surnuorded by his griveing flimay in a diatsnt foiergn cortnuy. He was unfnutroate ineedd, but his elray dtaeh trreggied ciahn of etnevs afitcefng fetas of binoills. ---------------------END of Prgoloue 1-----

There you go; now it is perfectly goblinized. Nobody thinks about the poor goblins... I am always happy to help them get some translations for modern works.

 

[mitkopom]

There you go; now it is perfectly goblinized. Nobody thinks about the poor goblins... I am always happy to help them get some translations for modern works.

Do not mock with my work you f... face
Ps: F... face = funny face. that was goblined speach as well. And if you are gona write bulshit beat it. It is a serious post at author section of the forum

 

[Corty]

Do not mock with my work you f... face
Ps: F... face = funny face.bthat was goblined speach as well

I do what I want.

Here, ran it through Grammarly. But I just clicked yes to everything, so beware.

It was late January evening. Tom Tailor was driving his luxury company car on highway A1 in Bulgaria. The snowfall was hefty, and visibility worsened as the Sun set down minutes ago. Tom was worried that they would reach the construction site before closing the road. It was that bad of a blizzard. He scrunched his eyes behind the glasses trying to focus on the snowy road. The asphalt's black was gone, and it was all white everywhere, glistering sparks caused by the car's headlights.

Tom glanced at his wife, Caroline, sitting beside him and pouting heavily. She was giving him a nasty glare. She was not happy.
-"I am sorry," mumbled Tom for the n-tieth time this evening.
- Hah, you are sorry? Sorry, you say… I was planning to hit the malls with Tracy and Stephany. Is everything on sale now after the holidays? Caroline's voice was getting higher pitched every minute
-"I am s…." Tom failed to finish.
- "You are dragging Cristina and me over those dumpsters of construction sites all year round. Once, ..at least one time of a year, my daughter and I expect hope to relax back in the FAKIN civilization. Now Caroline was screaming.
- "Hey, don't mix me in the argument. I don't care," said Cristina from the back seat. She sounded bored, scrolling her phone.

Tom glanced in the mirror at Cristina. His one and only child. Warmth spread in his mind looking at her. What a fine lady she was growing up. He was a very conservative family man. He loved his wife and even his precious daughter. Tom focused on the road again. The car was getting unstable even with those fancy systems of a brand-new heavy limousine.

-"It was an emergency calling. I need to be present for testing the auxiliary cooling systems of the nuclear plant. Bulgarian government is pushing for an early completion than the arranged deadline," said Tom

-"I don't care," grumbled Caroline

Tom turned his head right towards his wife to continue the argument. Right this moment, both his wife and daughter screamed in unison.
He immediately focused on the road. His eyes went wide as saucers. He didn't have time to scream as a 40-ton truck flew over the crash barrier from the opposite line. It hit them with a massive force frontal- sideways. Airbags blew everywhere as the heavy car spun violently outside the road. Tom's vision went blank, with only the horrible tire screeches and sounds of metal grinding in the background.

It just happened in an instant. Moments later, sharp pain in Tom's abdomen woke him from a stupor. He cried in shock, seeing a metal bar stuck in his body. Tom panicked when he thought about his wife and daughter; pain immediately shut in the back of his mind. He drew his hand and shook Caroline, who looked conscious but dazed.

-"Honey.. Honey ! Look at me, please!" said Tom

Shortly after, Caroline's eyes focused on him.

"What? What happened? mumbled Caroline

-" We had an accident. We crashed," said Tom, turning his gaze back to his daughter. Airbags were deflating, and a horrid smell of gas was coming from below.

-"Cristine!" Shouted Coroline. "Oh, my daughter".....

-"Honey!! She looks ok. Don't panic. We got to evacuate now; I don't like the smell. Cried Tom. "Hurry up, try to open the door!" ordered Tom

-"I can't. It's stuck," cried Caroline

Tom pushed his door, which opened quickly. Removed his seat belt and cried in pain when he pulled out the metal bar and exited the car. World spin, his vision got blurry. Tom gathered his will, adrenaline pumping. He had to save his family no matter the cost. He slumped around to the other side of the car, or what was left of it, as it looked like a smashed can. Caroline won't be able to exit from his door as several metal rods have spiked in the middle, blocking her path. He elbowed the already cracked passenger seat window with every ounce of strength he managed to master. Then cleared the residual glass and helped Caroline as she was already getting through. Pain in his abdomen flared. Tom gritted his teeth and moved to the back door, where Cristine struggled with her seat belt. Something was wrong. Tom looked out the window. The top of the car was bent, and there was no room for an exit. The door refused to open as well. Tom started to panic; the gas smell was getting worse. The tank was leaking!

-"Cristine come through your mom's seat window! Hurry!" shouted Tom

-"I can't. I can't! The seatbelt. It won't come out.. Daddy help, Aahh..". Cristine was crying, weakly struggling with the seatbelt.

Tom's mind went into overdrive. Seat belt problem. A possible jammed mechanism. The belt must be cut out. He slumped around back to the driver's seat. There he opened the door's pocket where his multi-tool was. A gadget every respected engineer must have. Quickly enabled the knife function and turned around to face Cristine while sitting in the driver's seat.

-"Here, Cris cut the belt!"

-"It won't open, daddy. It…"- Cristine was heaving.

-"Hey, sunshine, look at daddy. Look at me, please!". – Tom tried to look calm. Finally, Cristine looked at him with some semblance of reason.

-"Cristine, now take this knife and cut the belt! ... Yes, that's my girl.”… Careful,….. “

-"There!!!" shouted Tom smiling as his daughter finally managed to cut the stupid seat belt. It looked like an eternity to him, but the process took less than 2 minutes.

-"Quickly, out through the window, hurry!" ordered Tom

Soon Cristine struggled to her mom's seat and later through the window, with Caroline pulling her simultaneously. Both mother and daughter fast retreated some distance from the already burning car. Tom mastered his strength, exited the vehicle, and slowly arrived where his family sat. He dropped beside his wife on the ground and scrutinized them with his hazing sight. There! It looked like both Caroline and Cristine were going to make it. Relief washed true his muddled mind. His family was safe. Now he can rest. He was feeling tired. He wanted to sleep.

Tom was not stupid. He knew he was losing tons of blood." I won't make it" Tom felt the cold reality.

-"Cristine come closer, sunshine," Tom whispered.

-"Papa, what's wrong"? Mommy, papa don't look good!" shouted Cristine.

-"Listen, Cristine, I am so happy to have you, to watch you growing up from the little bundle of joy to the fine young lady you have become. I want you to keep going and never give up no matter what". Tom coughed blood.

-"Papa!" "" Honey" Both of his beloved girls were crying loud

-"Shhh. "Carol, the insurance will settle for several million. Then the savings. You won't have money issues". Tom made a deep pause as he was losing his sight. At least the pain was fading. Caroline was shaking her head, tears flowing rivers…

"- I love you! I love…" Tom couldn't finish as he drew his last breath on this cold January night, lying in the snow in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by his grieving family in a distant foreign country. He was unfortunate, but his early death triggered a chain of events affecting the fates of billions.

 

[Agentt]

COMMIE!

 

[Deleted member 54065]

The prologue is about 1,3 k words, so it wont take much of your time may be 20-30 minutes. +Most of the grammar mistakes have been fixed thanks to an enthusiastic reader!
So! You are bored and You have nothing to do but to show your skills in writing(editing)?!
Contact me and let's get that thing done!
Me and you! Together!
=
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

chapter name: ARC I Prologue 1: Tragedy

ARC I - Birth of a Legend​

It was late January evening. Tom Tailor was driving his luxury company car on a highway A1 in Bulgaria. The snowfall was very heavy, visibility was getting worse as the Sun set down minutes ago. (Sun is supposed to be a common noun, so it shouldn't be capitalized.) Tom was getting warried (worried) if they will reach the construction site before they close (closed, since you are narrating in past tense) the road. It was that bad of a blizzard. He scrunched his eyes behind the glasses trying to focus on the snowy road. The asphalt’s black was gone and it was all white everywhere, glistering sparks caused by the car’s headlights. (I think this part can be removed since you already wrote in the earlier parts that it is snowing. This sentence is redundant.)

Tom glanced right towards his wife Caroline sitting next to him and pouting heavy. She was giving him a nasty glare. She was not happy.
-“I am sorry” mumbled Tom for the n-tieth time this evening. (Avoid putting dash '-' before every dialogue, and end the spoken part with dialogue tags with comma ',' exclamation '!' or question marks '?'. You end your dialogue with period '.' only when it has no dialogue tag.)
- Hah, you are sorry? Sorry you say… I was planning to hit the malls with Tracy and Stephany. It is everything on sale now after the holidays. Caroline voice was getting higher pitched every minute
-"I am s…” Tom failed to finish.
- "You are dragging Cristina and me over those dumpster (dumpsters) of construction sites all year round. Once, ..at least one time of the year me and my daughter expect, hope to relax back in the FAKIN (fucking) civilisation. Now Caroline was screaming. (Ellipsis, or the three-dots '...', is limited to only...well, three dots. It is used for denoting that the speaker has something else to say and he trailed off, or he was gradually cut off. Also, if you start with a quotation mark, end it with a quotation mark as well.)
- “Hey don’t mix me in the argument. I don’t care” said Cristina from the back seat. She sounded bored, scrolling her phone.

Tom glanced in the mirror at Cristina. His one and only child. Warmth spread in his mind looking at her. What a fine lady was she growing up. He was a very conservative family man. He loved his wife and even more his precious daughter. Tom focused on the road again. Car was getting unstable even with those fancy systems of a brand new heavy limousine. (Try to combine sentences here, so it won't be jarring to read.)

-“It was emergency calling. (emergency call) I need to be present for testing the auxiliary cooling systems of the nuclear plant. Bulgarian government is pushing for an early completion than the arranged deadline” said Tom (Always end your statements with period, exclamation mark, or question mark.)

-“I don’t care” grumbled Caroline

Tom turned his head right towards his wife to continue the argument. Right this moment both his wife and daughter screamed in unison.
He immediately focused on the road. His ayes (eyes) went wide as saucers. He didn’t had (have, and remove the following 'a') a time to scream as a 40 tone (put a dash between 40 and tone, and it's also 'ton' not 'tone') truck flew over the crash barrier coming from the opposite line. It hit them with a massive force frontal- sideways. Airbags blew up everywhere as the heavy car was sent spinning in rolling motion outside the road. Tom vision went blank with only the horrible tire screeches and sounds of metal grinding in the background.

It just happened in a (an, since the following word starts with a vowel) instant. Moments later (put a comma after 'Moments later') sharp pain in Tom’s abdomen woke him up from his stupor. He cried in shock seeing a metal bar stuck in his body. Tom panicked when he thought about his wife and daughter, pain immediately shut in the back of his mind. He drew his hand and shook Caroline, who looked conscious but dazed.

-“Honey.. Honey ! Look at me, please!" said Tom

Shortly after Caroline’s eyes focused on him.

“ What? What happened? mumbled Caroline

-" We had an accident. We crashed" said Tom while turning his gaze back to his daughter. Airbags were deflating and a horrid smell of gas was sneaking from bellow.

-"Cristine!” Shouted Coroline. “Oh my daughter”.. ..

-"Honey!! She looks ok. Don’t panic. We got to evacuate now, I don’t like the smell. cried Tom . “Hurry up, try open the door!” ordered Tom

-“I can’t. It's stuck” cried Caroline

Tom pushed his door which opened easily. Removed his seat belt and cried in pain when he pulled out the metal bar and exited the car. World spin, his vision got blurry. Tom gathered his will, adrenaline pumping. He had to save his family no matter the cost. He slumped around to the other side of the car or what was left of it as- it looked like smashed can. Caroline won’t be able to exit from his door as several metal rods has spiked in the middle, blocking her path. He elbowed the already cracked window of the passenger seat with every ounce of strength he manage to master. Then cleared the residual glass and helped Caroline as she was getting trough already. Pain in his abdomen flared. Tom gritted his teeth and moved to the back door where Cristine was struggling with her seat belt. Something was wrong. Tom looked at the window. The top of the car was bent, there was no room for exit there. The door refused to open as well. Tom started to panic, gas smell was getting worse. The tank was leaking!.

-“Cristine come through your mom’s seat window! Hurry!” shouted Tom

-"I cant. I cant ! The seatbelt. It wont come out.. Daddy help, Aahh..". Cristine was crying, weakly struggling with the seatbelt.

Tom’s mind went to overdrive. Seat belt problem. A possible jammed mechanism. The belt must be cut out. He slumped around back to the driver seat. There he opened the door’s pocket where was his multi tool. A gadget every respected engineer must have. Quickly enabled the knife function and while seating in the driver seat turned around to face Cristine.

-"Here, Cris cut the belt!””

-“It wont open daddy. It…””- Cristine was heaving.

-“Hey, sunshine look at daddy. Look at me, please!”. – Tom tried to look calm. Finally, Cristine looked at him with some semblance of reason.

-"Cristine, now take this knife and cut the belt! ... Yes, that’s my girl.”… Careful,….. “

-“There!!!” shouted Tom smiling as his daughter finally managed to cut the stupid seat belt. It looked like eternity to him, but the process took less than 2 minutes.

-“Quickly, out through the window, hurry!” ordered Tom

Soon Cristine struggled to her mom’s seat, and later through the window with Caroline pulling her at the same time. Both mother and daughter fast retreated some distance from the already burning car. Tom mastered his strength, exited the vehicle and slowly arrived at the place where both his family were sitting. He dropped next to his wife on the ground, inspected them carefully with his hazing sight. There! It looked like both Caroline and Cristine are going to make it. Relief washed true his muddled mind. His family was safe. Now he can rest. He was feeling tired. He wanted to sleep.

Tom was not stupid. He knew he was losing tons of blood. ”I won’t make it” Tom felt the cold reality.

-“Cristine come closer, sunshine” Tom whispered.

-“Papa what wrong”? Mommy, papa don’t look good!" shouted Cristine.

-“Listen Cristine, I am so happy to have you, to watch you growing up from the little bundle of joy to the fine young lady you have become. I want you to keep going and never give up no matter what". Tom caughed blood.

-“Papa!” “”Honey” Both of his beloved girls were crying loud

-"Shhh. “ Carol, the insurance will settle for several million. Then the savings. You won’t have money issues”. Tom made a deep pause, as he was losing his sight. At least the pain was fading. Caroline was shaking her head, tears flowing rivers…

“- I love you! I love…” Tom couldn’t finish as he drew his last breath in this cold January night, laying in the snow in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by his grieving family in a distant foreign country. He was unfortunate indeed, but his early death triggered chain of events affecting fates of billions.
---------------------END of Prologue 1-----

Well, those are my edits, which are mostly focused on spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes. There are other areas of improvement, mostly in the narration. It feels jarring to read, but it can be improved. Points to remember:

1) Always end sentences with period (.), exclamation marks (!) or question marks (?)

2) Spoken dialogues with dialogue tags (she said, he said) ends with comma (,), exclamation marks (!) or question marks (?) before the dialogue tag. The dialogue tag is ended with period (.).
Example: "No," she said. (Underlined part is the dialogue tag.)

3) Spoken dialogues without dialogue tags ends with period (.), exclamation marks (!) or question marks (?).
Example: "No!"

4) Ellipsis (...) is always composed of three dots, and is used to denote trailing off while speaking, or gradual interruption. In some cases, it can be used to indicate that the character is dumbfounded, or is speechless.

5) Dialogues don't start with a dash (-), unless it's a script for a theater play.

6) Dialogues start with quotation mark (") and ends with the same (").

7) Combining related ideas can help you 'harmonize' the flow of your narration. Too many stops (sentences with periods) can be jarring to read, and removes the immersion on the part of the reader.

8) Watch out for redundancy in sentences. If you already said it was snowing in the first sentence, then you already gave the readers an idea that everything is white. There is no need to add that the asphalt has become white.

No worries, these mistakes are usual of non-native English speakers, and beginning authors. With practice and focus to learn, you'll eventually master storytelling in English! Hope this reply helps.

Edit: I did not indicate the rest of the mistakes I saw since I'll be repeating myself with feedbacks. I just put my comments for you to check it.

 

[mitkopom]

Well, those are my edits, which are mostly focused on spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes. There are other areas of improvement, mostly in the narration. It feels jarring to read, but it can be improved. Points to remember:

1) Always end sentences with period (.), exclamation marks (!) or question marks (?)

2) Spoken dialogues with dialogue tags (she said, he said) ends with comma (,), exclamation marks (!) or question marks (?) before the dialogue tag. The dialogue tag is ended with period (.).
Example: "No," she said. (Underlined part is the dialogue tag.)

3) Spoken dialogues without dialogue tags ends with period (.), exclamation marks (!) or question marks (?).
Example: "No!"

4) Ellipsis (...) is always composed of three dots, and is used to denote trailing off while speaking, or gradual interruption. In some cases, it can be used to indicate that the character is dumbfounded, or is speechless.

5) Dialogues don't start with a dash (-), unless it's a script for a theater play.

6) Dialogues start with quotation mark (") and ends with the same (").

7) Combining related ideas can help you 'harmonize' the flow of your narration. Too many stops (sentences with periods) can be jarring to read, and removes the immersion on the part of the reader.

8) Watch out for redundancy in sentences. If you already said it was snowing in the first sentence, then you already gave the readers an idea that everything is white. There is no need to add that the asphalt has become white.

No worries, these mistakes are usual of non-native English speakers, and beginning authors. With practice and focus to learn, you'll eventually master storytelling in English! Hope this reply helps.

Edit: I did not indicate the rest of the mistakes I saw since I'll be repeating myself with feedbacks. I just put my comments for you to check it.

Well... I can not express my gratitude for your help so I will just say a simple THANK YOU SENSEI!!!
PS: I feel like I am back to school :)
PS2: Can I call you Sensei from now on?

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Well... I can not express my gratitude for your help so I will just say a simple THANK YOU SENSEI!!!
PS: I feel like I am back to school :)

No worries, it's also my real life work (I'm a language and literature teacher). XD

 

[mitkopom]

No worries, it's also my real life work (I'm a language and literature teacher). XD

HAAA I knew it! You are too good at this! Plus you have the patience needed to deal with .. you know things like my prologue .... lol
Your students should be honored to have you as their Sensei!
PS: "No worries" isn't that Australian? like "No worries mate"?

 

[Deleted member 54065]

HAAA I knew it! You are too good at this! Plus you have the patience needed to deal with .. you know things like my prologue .... lol
Your students should be honored to have you as their Sensei!
PS: "No worries" isn't that Australian? like "No worries mate"?

Well, just helping out fellow authors whenever I have time, both in writing and in illustrating. Besides, I also started with lots of mistakes, and someone is kind enough to patiently correct me. Now, I'm passing that kindness.

Also, I'm a Filipino.

 

[mitkopom]

Well, just helping out fellow authors whenever I have time, both in writing and in illustrating. Besides, I also started with lots of mistakes, and someone is kind enough to patiently correct me. Now, I'm passing that kindness.

Also, I'm a Filipino.

"Also, I'm a Filipino. "
I would have never guessed that. Your English is perfect like lvl 100 linguistics skill.

 

[JayDirex]

January- Late Evening

Tom Tailor drove his company car on a winding highway in Bulgaria. The darkening, sky filling with heavy snowfall, made it hard to see the road. Getting worried, Tom wondered if he’d reach the construction site before closing. “This is some blizzard,” he muttered while navigating the white-out. Tom’s wife, Caroline, sat next to him pouting.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, glancing at her.

“Hah, you’re sorry? I was supposed to hit the mall with Tracy and Stephany today. Since everything's on sale after the holidays,” she replied.

"I am so-” Tom failed to finish.

___________________

Hi, @mitkopom I can see that English is not your native language. But as you read my much much cleaner edit of your opening, there are two things you should know:

1. In English Dialog we always contract "To be" verbs. Meaning we don't say: "I am" we say "I'm"
we don't say "you are" we say "You're"
and in the cases where we don't contract, we're doing it on purpose for emphasis. For example: "I am sick and tired of your lies!" (the person said "I am" to sound more serious.

2. Over use of "Was" makes verbs sound passive, bad, non-impactful: It was late January evening. Tom Tailor was driving his luxury company car on a highway A1 in Bulgaria. The snowfall was very heavy, visibility was getting worse as the Sun set down minutes ago. Tom was getting warried if they will reach the construction site before they close the road. It was that bad of a blizzard. He scrunched his eyes behind the glasses trying to focus on the snowy road. The asphalt’s black was gone and it was all white everywhere, glistering sparks caused by the car’s headlights.


B- Notice, I rewrote your opening with only one "was"
was is a passive verb. It sounds weak to western ears. We strive to replace it with active verbs:

Tom Tailor drove his company car on a winding highway in Bulgaria. (much cleaner)

 

[Deleted member 54065]

January- Late Evening

Tom Tailor drove his company car on a winding highway in Bulgaria. The darkening, sky filling with heavy snowfall, made it hard to see the road. Getting worried, Tom wondered if he’d reach the construction site before closing. “This is some blizzard,” he muttered while navigating the white-out. Tom’s wife, Caroline, sat next to him pouting.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, glancing at her.

“Hah, you’re sorry? I was supposed to hit the mall with Tracy and Stephany today. Since everything's on sale after the holidays,” she replied.

"I am so-” Tom failed to finish.

___________________

Hi, @mitkopom I can see that English is not your native language. But as you read my much much cleaner edit of your opening, there are two things you should know:

1. In English Dialog we always contract "To be" verbs. Meaning we don't say: "I am" we say "I'm"
we don't say "you are" we say "You're"
and in the cases where we don't contract, we're doing it on purpose for emphasis. For example: "I am sick and tired of your lies!" (the person said "I am" to sound more serious.

2. Over use of "Was" makes verbs sound passive, bad, non-impactful: It was late January evening. Tom Tailor was driving his luxury company car on a highway A1 in Bulgaria. The snowfall was very heavy, visibility was getting worse as the Sun set down minutes ago. Tom was getting warried if they will reach the construction site before they close the road. It was that bad of a blizzard. He scrunched his eyes behind the glasses trying to focus on the snowy road. The asphalt’s black was gone and it was all white everywhere, glistering sparks caused by the car’s headlights.


B- Notice, I rewrote your opening with only one "was"
was is a passive verb. It sounds weak to western ears. We strive to replace it with active verbs:

Tom Tailor drove his company car on a winding highway in Bulgaria. (much cleaner)

While I agree to this, I'd like to point out that this is advance lesson to us non-English speakers and can be confusing and difficult to learn, until mastering the basics of storytelling in English.

But yes, @mitkopom this is true, though I'd recommend you get the basics of English narration first before moving on to this part.

Take the corrections one at a time.

 

[mitkopom]

Tom Tailor drove his company car on a winding highway in Bulgaria. (much cleaner)

Thank you for your help!!!!!

I still have a question thou: It is not so clear to me why should I replace?:
" Tom Tailor was driving his luxury company car on a highway"
with the suggested
"Tom Tailor drove his company car on a winding highway in Bulgaria."
It was meant to express a continuous activity in the past so" past continuous tense" looks to me the proper use. The word "drove" means to me a finished action in the past.

 

[JayDirex]

Thank you for your help!!!!!
I still have a question thou: It is not so clear to me why should I replace:
" Tom Tailor was driving his luxury company car on a highway"
with
"Tom Tailor drove his company car on a winding highway in Bulgaria."
It was meant to express a continuous activity in the past so" past continuous tense" looks to me the proper use. The word "drove" means to me a finished action in the past.

You're not wrong. How you're using was is not grammatically incorrect. Technically speaking.

However, was is a "passive verb" meaning it causes the action to seem weak, unimportant. Not impactful. it separates the Person doing the action from the action. Also: " It was meant to express a continuous activity in the past so" past continuous tense" looks to me the proper use. The word "drove" means to me a finished action in the past." No, an active verb can also be continuous in the past as long as it in context.

Tom was driving the car when something hit his car and he got in an accident (Ambivelent, ambigous, not direct. WEAK!!!! But past tense)

As Tom drove down the road, a rock hit the windshield, forcing him to crash into a tree. (Direct, impactful. Specific action)

 

[mitkopom]

You're not wrong. How you're using was is not grammatically incorrect. Technically speaking.

However, was is a "passive verb" meaning it causes the action to seem weak, unimportant. Not impactful. it separates the Person doing the action from the action. Also: " It was meant to express a continuous activity in the past so" past continuous tense" looks to me the proper use. The word "drove" means to me a finished action in the past." No, an active verb can also be continuous in the past as long as it in context.

Tom was driving the car when something hit his car and he got in an accident (Ambivelent, ambigous, not direct. WEAK!!!! But past tense)

As Tom drove down the road, a rock hit the windshield, forcing him to crash into a tree. (Direct, impactful. Specific action)

Well your lesson seriously meshed up my knowledge from my school years.
I had been taught that past simple tense represent a finished action in the past. Period.
like "Tom drove his car and parked outside his house. Then he cursed his wife who was sleeping in the front seat"
He finished his driving successfully and nothing happened during that activity.
But if you claim that suggested usage of past simple is allowed ( for prolonged and continuous process) who am I to argue with that...

 

[JayDirex]

Well your lesson seriously meshed up my knowledge from my school years.
I had been taught that past simple tense represent a finished action in the past. Period.
like "Tom drove his car and parked outside his house. Then he cursed his wife who was sleeping in the front seat"
He finished his driving successfully and nothing happened during that activity.
But if you claim that sugested use of past simple is allowed, who am I to argue with that...

Then he cursed his wife who was sleeping in the front seat"

Then he cursed his wife who slept in the front seat" better~


Notice: when you write "was" instead of an action verb, you separate the subject from the action:

The Boy was Hitting the ball - (Weak, passive see how WAS separates the action of hitting, all weak mush)

The Boy hit the ball- (active, direct) do you see how DIRECT this is he. "THE BOY HIT" the action is DIRECT!! IMPACTFUL

Tom was driving
Tom drove

Tom was drinking whiskey
Tom downed shots
______________________

Readers want to be engaged in a story. They want impact, clarity, brevity. They don't want round-about-bureaucrat speak adding too many words to some weak action.