I saw another guy doing this

[Carpio]

Okay, so I got a break from studying and came on the forums. Since I saw another guy doing this, like the roman impersonator I am, I'm copying them. Now I want y'all to criticize my stories without insulting me. Also if you can be more direct about what needs fixing, that would be great.

Dark Hero of Music

'So tell me why you chose me out of like 30 people?' 'Unlike them you know two things. The look of death and how to kill.' When a class is Isekai'd, Lila is the only one chosen to represent the demons as their dark hero. Facing overwhelming odds, she,...

www.scribblehub.com

Why Did I Reincarnate as the Villainess?

Ivana reincarnates into a new life, realizing later that she is the villainess from a secret route in an otome game. She wants not only to change her future but to protect everyone around her as well. She answers a call to arms from the king asking for their household's...

www.scribblehub.com

Also just saying, I do need to rewrite the first few chapters of Villainess so please don't be too harsh on those. I already redid the first chapter, so that's fair game.

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

Currently pretty busy, consider this a bookmark. I do want to read you, but if you don't hear from me in three days, shout at me.

 

[LimitBound]

You have both harem and smut tag on them.

 

[greyblob]

You have both harem and smut tag on them.

he wants criticisms not positives

 

[Carpio]

Dman I realize there is a separate channel for this. I'm facepalming so hard rn.

 

[LoliWithAGlock]

I went ahead and read and reviewed Dark Hero of Music.

I will refrain from doing Villainess, as I would not be willing to ignore the early chapters as you asked.

While the review has not yet been approved, here is what I said:

I'll preface this by saying I couldn't finish the story. I tried, god knows I tried, but after Chapter 4 I had to resort to skimming. The Author has a "lol so random" writing style, and while that works for some people, it really put me off.

The Good:

• There are few if any grammar and spelling errors.
• The author seems to know where they want to take the story, and are moving in that direction.

The Bad:

• Exposition Exposition Exposition. It's an isekai, and you need to establish the world. I get that, but the way it's handle is just... grating. As an example: in chapter 2, the MC is supposedly being told stories about the world. Then, we get the MC's thoughts on those stories and what they were able to pull out of them. It would be better if we were told the stories straight up, and then the MC reacted.
• Dialogue. The author struggles with writing dialogue. This is especially apparent in the early chapter, and it does get better, but there are multiple instances where I had to stop and reread sections to be able to follow what was being said.
• Characterization. The characters, other than the main character, are bland and exist only for the purpose of interacting with the main character. This is especially bad with a character who goes from not liking the MC, to being willing to marry them, in <3k words.

Final score: I wish Scribble Hub would let me give half star ratings, I would do a 2.5/5. I'll round up to three instead of down to two, because the author has already shown improvement over the course of the first seven chapters, the story just isn't to my taste.

I rated a 3/5.

 

[Carpio]

I went ahead and read and reviewed Dark Hero of Music.

I will refrain from doing Villainess, as I would not be willing to ignore the early chapters as you asked.

While the review has not yet been approved, here is what I said:


I rated a 3/5.

Any specific parts? for the Dialogue. I'll definitely need to redo some of the characterizations I agree, but the dialogue is something easier to fix rn.

 

[LoliWithAGlock]

Any specific parts? for the Dialogue. I'll definitely need to redo some of the characterizations I agree, but the dialogue is something easier to fix rn.

I was actually planning to take notes, but after the third time I stopped and just marked it down as "dialogue is a bit stiff". These are the sections that I saved though:

Are they the devil? Sonara’s head registered the fact that the being in front of her had no gender.

This makes it sound like Sonara thinks non-binary people are the devil. A better way of getting this point across might be something like: "Wait, did they just say they're the devil!? Sonora wasn't sure what to make of that."

Then don't mention the gender thing at all. The fact that Sonora used "they" shows that she has already recognized and accepted it.

"So if there are multiple, how come I'm the only one here?" Jordan suddenly looked uncomfortable and started mumbling out an answer. "Sorry I couldn't hear what you said, can you repeat it louder?"

This one makes it seem like Jordan is the one talking, even though I'm pretty sure you mean it to be Sonora talking to Jordan. To fix it, try something like this:

"So if there are multiple, how come I'm the only one here?" Following Sonara's poignant question, Jordan suddenly looked away uncomfortably, and mumbled out an answer.

Sonara leaned in, getting uncomfortably close to their face, "Sorry I couldn't hear what you said, can you repeat it louder?"

"Damn why did it have to be them out of everyone?" Sonara hated them. She was a pop star in a girl band, a very popular one at that although she was in high school. When she first entered, half were kind to her, being pretentious jerks so they could gain the benefits of knowing her. She saw through it all. The other half was filled with delinquents, loners, and idiots who followed "justice and honor". She hated almost all of them.

This one is just... It's more of a problem with characterization than dialogue. Sonora goes from 0 to 100, then back to 0, then back to 100. you also say she hated them twice. I'll break it down line by line.

Damn why did it have to be them out of everyone?

I would change this from a statement, to a thought. Also, who exactly is "everyone"? the population of the world? the student body? her acquaintances?

Sonara hated them. She was a pop star in a girl band, a very popular one at that although she was in high school.

Ok... if she's so successful, why does she hate them? It makes her sound conceited.

When she first entered, half were kind to her, being pretentious jerks so they could gain the benefits of knowing her.

When she first entered what? the school? the class? this grade? Also, they were being kind to her... by being pretentious jerks?

She saw through it all. The other half was filled with delinquents, loners, and idiots who followed "justice and honor". She hated almost all of them.

The final few sentences should speak for themselves after what I highlighted about the previous ones. Also, this paragraph opens with "She hated them." A blanket quantity. Then it ends by rejecting its own first premise and saying "She hated almost all of them." A partial quantity.

I hope this helps!

 

[Cipiteca396]

Dman I realize there is a separate channel for this. I'm facepalming so hard rn.

If it's still in the wrong part of the forum, you can ask a moderator to change it.

Also this https://forum.scribblehub.com/forum...tarter_id=51945&order=post_date&direction=asc

 

[Nautiphilic]

If it's still in the wrong part of the forum, you can ask a moderator to change it.

Also this https://forum.scribblehub.com/forum...tarter_id=51945&order=post_date&direction=asc

this also report button works

op your chapters a lil short for some readers finna expect a different release cadence with that. gl mate

 

[greyblob]

Any specific parts? for the Dialogue. I'll definitely need to redo some of the characterizations I agree, but the dialogue is something easier to fix rn.

the first few lines really rubbed me the wrong way, and since the loli didn't mention them I'll do.

“Huh, so where am I,” Sonara asks, standing in a black void. A second ago she was about to walk on stage for a concert, but suddenly she was here. She looks down and her electric guitar was still tied around her body, which was also still there.”Looks like I’m not dead yet. At least I don’t look like a ghost.”

“Smart observation,” a voice calls out. Sonara turns around to look from where it came from. “Over here, behind you,” the voice calls out again. She turns around once more and sees an androgynous being with long black hair and small white horns. She was surprised but kept a calm face.

I swear I looked there. Where did they come from? By a glance, Sonara had no idea what gender the being was in front of her. She would think it’s a girl but it had no boobs.

what's a black void to you? to me it's just darkness. you can't see, yet the character is seeing everything clearly. she sees her guitar instead of feeling for it and notices the creature right after. instead of "where am I?" it should be "did I go blind?" "did the power go down?" "was I kidnapped?"

and ”Looks like I’m not dead yet. At least I don’t look like a ghost.” what do ghosts look like? translucent? floating? white? and the guy then continues with "smart observation"
I don't know if this is sarcasm, but I hope it is. otherwise, I think both characters are on the spectrum

 

[Carpio]

Fixed issues. Got any more?

 

[LynaForge]

Okay, so I got a break from studying and came on the forums. Since I saw another guy doing this, like the roman impersonator I am, I'm copying them. Now I want y'all to criticize my stories without insulting me. Also if you can be more direct about what needs fixing, that would be great.

Dark Hero of Music

'So tell me why you chose me out of like 30 people?' 'Unlike them you know two things. The look of death and how to kill.' When a class is Isekai'd, Lila is the only one chosen to represent the demons as their dark hero. Facing overwhelming odds, she,...

www.scribblehub.com

Why Did I Reincarnate as the Villainess?

Ivana reincarnates into a new life, realizing later that she is the villainess from a secret route in an otome game. She wants not only to change her future but to protect everyone around her as well. She answers a call to arms from the king asking for their household's...

www.scribblehub.com

Also just saying, I do need to rewrite the first few chapters of Villainess so please don't be too harsh on those. I already redid the first chapter, so that's fair game.

I read the first chapter of the 'dark hero of music.'

Although I think it starts off strong with mystery, it does shift from past tense to present tense often. The omniscient POV isn't my favorite but I think it's do-able. For me, that was what stood out the most. I thought the character was a bit harsh in her judgements of others (dumb, perverts, etc) but without knowing more, I couldn't say if it was unfounded. Still, it kept the action up and that matters a lot to me.

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

Read the first two chapters of Dark Hero of Music . It's just not there yet in my opinion. Are you a current or former fanfic writer? Some of the hallmarks of the common style are there, and it's holding you back.

Generally, you'll want to avoid the using the "attraction blush" in its most basic form to signal sexual/romantic tension. I'm not saying you can't have your characters turn pink, it's absolutely adorable. You just need more behind it, especially when you have the other character do the exact same thing in the next paragraph. It feels cheap because it's the default every other fic writer's been using since the Sailor Moon era. Expand bits like this; what does Sonara and the princess do when they feel the heat rush to their heads? Do they try to play it off? Do they hide in shame? Yell? Cry? Blushing may indicate some kind of emotion but it is not an emotion itself.

Unless the action is being interrupted by a Special Beam Cannon, you'll also want to steer clear of constructions like "X began to Y" (don't begin to verb, just verb, you're disrupting your flow) and things like this:

Sonara looked around her and saw a bunch of similar old hunched men taking notes, sometimes nodding at her.

The bits in red are unnecessary. If the narrative mentions the old men, it's already implied that Sonara sees them. You have ~31% of this sentence telling us something we can pick up on ourselves. Stop working so hard.

Much of your mechanical problems come down to efficiency. Say more with the least amount of words you can, and you'll find a big boost in quality.

As far as proper dialogue impressions and character delivery goes, anything I'd have to say would mirror Glock's advice.

You have a story here, it just needs a few rounds of refinement.