I think my story is too mixed up...

[b1ah]

Hi all,

I was hoping someone could help me out here. I've written 26 chapters of 'The Uprise of a Nobody' and I'm thinking it may be a little messy. The entire story starts off from the MCs perspective with internal thoughts. Later on, it switches to an external non-character perspective (around chapter 18). Also, the gender of the MC has not been defined meaning that the reader decides the gender of the MC subconsciously. The personality of the MC is also a little of a mess. I'm getting to the point where I should probably end the story. If someone could provide feedback for any areas I can improve to save the story, that would be much appreciated. I think a readers perspective will really help me.

Rather than ending the story, I think I'll try to save it first but rewriting it a bit differently. Thanks in advance...
I may be overthinking this... A second perspective will be of help nevertheless!

 

[tiaf]

story starts off from the MCs perspective with internal thoughts

Uhh, if it's internal thoughts I would leave out the dialogue marks and either differentiate them with italics or single '.
It's very misleading. I imagine the MC talking loudly to themselves. Also if the same person is talking, without interruption of narration or another person talking, it should look like this:

Spoiler

“Ugh… What was that?

“What? Where am I?

“What the hell is this?!

“Ugh… My head is aching with pain.

“Wait! What on earth happened? I... I was sleeping with the rats in an alleyway… Then what? Ugh… My head again! What the hell is going on! Where is the blissful sun? The delightful moon? Where is my alleyway! I remember pure darkness when I slept, but who knew this would happen…

Okay, okay, okay. This isn’t the end of the world. Wait! Would that be so bad? HAH, you fools on earth living your exciting and peaceful lives die along with me in this brutal fashion! At least I’m not alone in this he-he… Who am I fooling, I’m alone here!” (second " when the speaker changes)

“BZT”

And please don't do that anymore

“What… I was just planning on how to recover my life... What a waste…”.

...a more fulfilling life?”.

the period after the dialogue's end is wrong. Grammarly free is perfect for such simple grammar mistakes.

I have to say that I only skimmed over the first two chapters as I couldn't tell what POV it is nor which tense.

Wait… What? I failed at my miserable life, died by an angry kid, and now I’m not even welcome in the afterlife? What the hell is this? I can’t help feeling excessive rage and hatred for my pitiful existence. What do I do? Just sit in the darkness for the rest of eternity thinking about how unbearable my life has become? What do I do?...

present tense

A strange voice robotic voice in a calm tone spoke.

past tense
I can't tell which of the two is the narrator.

The first chapter kind of irritated me. MC is stuttering and repeating themselves a lot, and can't seem to talk normally. A lot of questions and exclamations. I would have preferred if you had slipped in a simple narration sentence here and there to set the pacing.

“W-Who! Who are you?! Where is this?!... Please answer me!” Ugh… My head...

“W-Who! Who are you?! Where is this?!... Please answer—” A sharp pain hit my head and I couldn't finish my sentence.

Show instead of telling. I am missing some description to immerse myself into MC's world. How is their body language, their voice, their expression?

“BZT Stop right there! I have been watching you for a while, and trust me when I say it’s hard to watch… You, tiny one, have had it rough…”. The robotic voice sounded sincere; I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up...

Why does the sincere voice rile them up? I'm missing transition.
The robotic voice sounded sincere; I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up...
The robotic voice sounded sincere, but I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up. At that moment, the words of pity sounded like pure ridicule to me.

I gave my two cents.

 

[b1ah]

Uhh, if it's internal thoughts I would leave out the dialogue marks and either differentiate them with italics or single '.
It's very misleading. I imagine the MC talking loudly to themselves. Also if the same person is talking, without interruption of narration or another person talking, it should look like this:

Spoiler

“Ugh… What was that?

“What? Where am I?

“What the hell is this?!

“Ugh… My head is aching with pain.

“Wait! What on earth happened? I... I was sleeping with the rats in an alleyway… Then what? Ugh… My head again! What the hell is going on! Where is the blissful sun? The delightful moon? Where is my alleyway! I remember pure darkness when I slept, but who knew this would happen…

Okay, okay, okay. This isn’t the end of the world. Wait! Would that be so bad? HAH, you fools on earth living your exciting and peaceful lives die along with me in this brutal fashion! At least I’m not alone in this he-he… Who am I fooling, I’m alone here!” (second " when the speaker changes)

“BZT”

And please don't do that anymore


the period after the dialogue's end is wrong. Grammarly free is perfect for such simple grammar mistakes.

I have to say that I only skimmed over the first two chapters as I couldn't tell what POV it is nor which tense.

present tense

past tense
I can't tell which of the two is the narrator.

The first chapter kind of irritated me. MC is stuttering and repeating themselves a lot, and can't seem to talk normally. A lot of questions and exclamations. I would have preferred if you had slipped in a simple narration sentence here and there to set the pacing.

“W-Who! Who are you?! Where is this?!... Please answer—” A sharp pain hit my head and I couldn't finish my sentence.

Show instead of telling. I am missing some description to immerse myself into MC's world. How is their body language, their voice, their expression?

Why does the sincere voice rile them up? I'm missing transition.
The robotic voice sounded sincere; I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up...
The robotic voice sounded sincere, but I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up. At that moment, the words of pity sounded like pure ridicule to me.

I gave my two cents.

Thank you so much for your feedback. I tried experimenting with the first-person perspective but as you can tell; I didn't do it very well. Also, I don't have an excuse for mixing past and present tense... That's just embarrassing

I'll rewrite and adapt the perspective of the story. To make it easier, I may just assign a gender to the MC.

Uhh, if it's internal thoughts I would leave out the dialogue marks and either differentiate them with italics or single '.
It's very misleading. I imagine the MC talking loudly to themselves. Also if the same person is talking, without interruption of narration or another person talking, it should look like this:

Spoiler

“Ugh… What was that?

“What? Where am I?

“What the hell is this?!

“Ugh… My head is aching with pain.

“Wait! What on earth happened? I... I was sleeping with the rats in an alleyway… Then what? Ugh… My head again! What the hell is going on! Where is the blissful sun? The delightful moon? Where is my alleyway! I remember pure darkness when I slept, but who knew this would happen…

Okay, okay, okay. This isn’t the end of the world. Wait! Would that be so bad? HAH, you fools on earth living your exciting and peaceful lives die along with me in this brutal fashion! At least I’m not alone in this he-he… Who am I fooling, I’m alone here!” (second " when the speaker changes)

“BZT”

And please don't do that anymore


the period after the dialogue's end is wrong. Grammarly free is perfect for such simple grammar mistakes.

I have to say that I only skimmed over the first two chapters as I couldn't tell what POV it is nor which tense.

present tense

past tense
I can't tell which of the two is the narrator.

The first chapter kind of irritated me. MC is stuttering and repeating themselves a lot, and can't seem to talk normally. A lot of questions and exclamations. I would have preferred if you had slipped in a simple narration sentence here and there to set the pacing.

“W-Who! Who are you?! Where is this?!... Please answer—” A sharp pain hit my head and I couldn't finish my sentence.

Show instead of telling. I am missing some description to immerse myself into MC's world. How is their body language, their voice, their expression?

Why does the sincere voice rile them up? I'm missing transition.
The robotic voice sounded sincere; I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up...
The robotic voice sounded sincere, but I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up. At that moment, the words of pity sounded like pure ridicule to me.

I gave my two cents.

Uhh, if it's internal thoughts I would leave out the dialogue marks and either differentiate them with italics or single '.
It's very misleading. I imagine the MC talking loudly to themselves. Also if the same person is talking, without interruption of narration or another person talking, it should look like this:

Spoiler

“Ugh… What was that?

“What? Where am I?

“What the hell is this?!

“Ugh… My head is aching with pain.

“Wait! What on earth happened? I... I was sleeping with the rats in an alleyway… Then what? Ugh… My head again! What the hell is going on! Where is the blissful sun? The delightful moon? Where is my alleyway! I remember pure darkness when I slept, but who knew this would happen…

Okay, okay, okay. This isn’t the end of the world. Wait! Would that be so bad? HAH, you fools on earth living your exciting and peaceful lives die along with me in this brutal fashion! At least I’m not alone in this he-he… Who am I fooling, I’m alone here!” (second " when the speaker changes)

“BZT”

And please don't do that anymore


the period after the dialogue's end is wrong. Grammarly free is perfect for such simple grammar mistakes.

I have to say that I only skimmed over the first two chapters as I couldn't tell what POV it is nor which tense.

present tense

past tense
I can't tell which of the two is the narrator.

The first chapter kind of irritated me. MC is stuttering and repeating themselves a lot, and can't seem to talk normally. A lot of questions and exclamations. I would have preferred if you had slipped in a simple narration sentence here and there to set the pacing.

“W-Who! Who are you?! Where is this?!... Please answer—” A sharp pain hit my head and I couldn't finish my sentence.

Show instead of telling. I am missing some description to immerse myself into MC's world. How is their body language, their voice, their expression?

Why does the sincere voice rile them up? I'm missing transition.
The robotic voice sounded sincere; I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up...
The robotic voice sounded sincere, but I just couldn’t help myself getting riled up. At that moment, the words of pity sounded like pure ridicule to me.

I gave my two cents.

@tiaf I've just updated the first chapter. I've tried making it less repetitive and adjusted how to identify speech. Internal thoughts are italics, single quotes is the robotic voice talking in the MCs head and will be other people's internal thoughts, and finally, regular text to describe the surroundings and actions. I've also rewritten some areas so past and present tense makes sense. Do you mind skimming over this for any potential improvements? I really appreciate your help with this :)

The Uprise of a Nobody - Chapter 1: The abyss… | Scribble Hub

 

[tiaf]

@tiaf I've just updated the first chapter. I've tried making it less repetitive and adjusted how to identify speech. Internal thoughts are italics, single quotes is the robotic voice talking in the MCs head and will be other people's internal thoughts, and finally, regular text to describe the surroundings and actions. I've also rewritten some areas so past and present tense makes sense. Do you mind skimming over this for any potential improvements? I really appreciate your help with this :)

I should stop checking messages in my muddled-headed-just-woke-up state. Sorry for the late reply!

Yes, it's much better! The narration is clear and the flow is comfortable to follow.

Their dynamic is also funny. I love systems with a laid-back attitude.

The only thing that is bothering me is, that there's no period after the 'BZT' I personally prefer to have either a period or em dash after the buzz sound.
BZT—
BZT.
My old eyes need visible distinction.