I will tell you when and why I stopped reading your story.

Nevafrost

Well-known newbie author
Joined
Apr 5, 2024
Messages
192
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I'm back baby!

Catch Up Round I

Life has been a bit busy for me, and I ended up procrastinating on this thread so I'm very sorry to everyone that you've had to wait this long! I'm a bit more settled and I'm gonna start reviewing again!

A few months ago I tried to do a super mega ultra post and catch up with all the submissions at once (as is my way), but that was too daunting so instead I'm gonna do a few reviews every now and then instead. If I haven't gotten to you today I'll try to get to you in the next few weeks.

And so...


lettuce begin ~




Ok ok! Sorry for the delay! Now obligatory warning that xianxia really isn't my genre of choice, in truth I probably wouldn't of read past your title, so keep in mind I'm probably not the best person to give you a review. I will of course give it a go anyways and try my best to give you some meaningful feedback!


I've now read the first chapter. Overall it's quite good and I'd probably read more if I didn't have another 20 stories to review and it was a different genre! I enjoyed the fairly light hearted tone and contrast between the characters, but I do have a few nitpicks:


"Are ye sure t'will it be alright?"

Are ye sure t'will be alright? Isn't the 'it' redundant? Ignore if this just a dialectual thing i don't know.


The description for the necromancer's voice is best described with the phrase 豆沙喉 (dau6 saa1 hau4) - a rough/husky voice, literally the necromancer's voice sounds like their throat is full of bits of beans.

Not a nitpick but I thought it was funny, but it does bring up the question- is this a translation or an original work? Or was it an original story you wrote then translated into english? If so why do you have translator notes in your own story?


Aiteann Court: Aiteann – 'furze' or 'gorse'.

I still have no idea what this means or which language this is, is welsh? Geaelick? Fantasy european?


Shī fùx: 師父 (si1 fu6/shī fù).

I have no idea what this means, is it the master's name? I did notice something a bit odd about the footnotes, you use them a lot but I didn't really find them helpful in understanding the story.


Sou Yuet or Yuān Yì Fēng.

I'm a bit confused about what the monk's name is? Is it a cultural thing I don't understand or am I missing something?


So in general I'd say it is quite good, there's no grammar mistakes I noticed and the plot\characters seem to be developing, it's just not a genre I'm particularly interested in.

Anyways, as I said at the start I'm not the best person to review your story, but keep it up and have fun!




Expect the unexpected! Bwahahaha!

Anyways I see that you've completed the story since you submitted here, congratualtions! Let us begin reading:


Ok so I read your synopsis and four paragraphs into the prelude, stopping here: This is my story. It has a beginning, but lacks an ending.

So far this is way too waffle-y, I've already read a few hundred words and haven't found anything substantial, stop waxing nolstalgically about a story I haven't read yet and get to the meat! You've explained the premise in purple prose whithout giving me any hook! Maybe this should be at the end of the story rather than the start? I will skip the rest of the prelude and try again on the first chapter.


Ok, I've read the first chapter now, your writing style is not to my taste. This isn't to say it's bad, but I have the attention span of a budgerigar and on a website with thousands of stories to read, this story is just developing too slowly and there's nothing to make we want to read more. Here are my notes:


Chapter Theme Music
I actually like this idea, wish more stories did it.


<08/11/2009 - 05:30 | 559 Motion Street, Austell, GA, USA>
Im not american and have no idea where GA is, Galifornia?


The minutes wandered in the silence of my room, until so suddenly, I became part of something much bigger than myself, much more important than anything I ever could have endured...
You're still waffling! I don't care yet!


"Sssssshhhhhyeaah!" Without trying, the air escaping my teeth made such a strange sound mixed in with a minor scream. I had no idea what just surprised me. What?! What happened?
I'm not so sure about this onomatopoeia, is it pain? Excitement? I've chosen to interpret it as the sound made when one stubs one's foot while realising they've won the lottery.



I hate this town, this place so much!
I dislike this phrasing, this sentence so much!


Enough internal monologing!
Tell me about it brother!


preparing to dig into the oatmeal I microwaved during that time.
Hayo! I'm in this story! Just kidding! I am mush not meal


  • character- the introverted middleschooler with an unhappy home life is maybe relatable, but not actually very interesting, or in what I've read, likeable. Also I have no idea how old a middleschooler is, I am not american.
  • I understand it's maybe realistic, but so far I don't care about what happens to Mc, and in the first chapter that's a problem. I think you also tell me too much without showing me, you pretty much just list off his family situation rather than showing me any examples, maybe show his interactions with his step dad in the morning rather than bring him up out of nowhere.
  • setting- again so far there's nothing I'm overly invested in, you've already spoiled in too many words that Reed's gonna psychically bond with some alien gal and fall on love, I just don't feel the need to read more.
  • In general I don't like this start, I know plenty of films and books start with naration from the main character reflecting back, but what does it really do for the story? Maybe the story gets good in a few chapters, but I'm not gonna get there because you lost my interest in the beginning!


Anyways, remember my opinion is just that of some guy, congratulations on finishing the story even if it wasn't for my palette, and have fun writing your next one!




Hello. I can!


Ok I've read the first chapter. It's a bit odd. Kinda meta? I'm not sure if it's trying to be a parody but you keep referencing video games and other real world things, which just feels odd. Here's my notes:


An 18th century style battleship
I'm not sure how I feel about using real world history to describe a fantasy boat, it gets the point across efficiently but also takes me out of the immersion.


“Huh? Are you afraid Tiana? I guess you are huh, druids are weak after all” Erick the archer of the unit sarcastically remarked.
This doesn't sound like something a real person would say... Let alone two people who have supposedly fought together for years.... I understand he's teasing bit it feels awkward.


On average they were the equivalent of AP rounds
Ok... What's an AP round? I'm assuming a video game thing and again you're making me think of something other than your story.


Winson was leading at the front with his sickle, dismantle, at his side. It was about two meters long, with three blades attached instead of the typical two
Shouldn't dismantle be capitalised? Also what sickle has 2 blades? I'm having difficulty picturing what this weapon is.


Despite the dangers of this island, it was quite a fantastical setting filled with both old and new tropes. The Sakura trees were flourishing in various spots along the forest path, their petals being gently swept away by the wind. There were also a variety of unfamiliar plants and animals here. That included creatures resembling frogs that could spit acid, rabbits with six eyes and black fur that could easily chomp through trees and the typical wyverns, although those were mostly circling overhead. This combat unit, however, had failed to notice something.
Huh? Now you're just telling me what tropes you're using? Even if I can picture what you're describing there's no immersion.


Overall I'm not really sure what to make of this story, what's it trying to be? Is it satire? It's not funny so I don't think so. Maybe I'm just not your target audience. Regardless, I hope you continue writing and continue to have fun!



that's all for now folks~

I'll try to keep reviewing when I can.
Omagyad! You're back!
 

Lysander_Works

Active member
Joined
Jul 22, 2023
Messages
183
Points
43
Expect the unexpected! Bwahahaha!

Anyways I see that you've completed the story since you submitted here, congratualtions! Let us begin reading:


Ok so I read your synopsis and four paragraphs into the prelude, stopping here: This is my story. It has a beginning, but lacks an ending.

So far this is way too waffle-y, I've already read a few hundred words and haven't found anything substantial, stop waxing nolstalgically about a story I haven't read yet and get to the meat! You've explained the premise in purple prose whithout giving me any hook! Maybe this should be at the end of the story rather than the start? I will skip the rest of the prelude and try again on the first chapter.


Ok, I've read the first chapter now, your writing style is not to my taste. This isn't to say it's bad, but I have the attention span of a budgerigar and on a website with thousands of stories to read, this story is just developing too slowly and there's nothing to make we want to read more. Here are my notes:


Chapter Theme Music
I actually like this idea, wish more stories did it.


<08/11/2009 - 05:30 | 559 Motion Street, Austell, GA, USA>
Im not american and have no idea where GA is, Galifornia?


The minutes wandered in the silence of my room, until so suddenly, I became part of something much bigger than myself, much more important than anything I ever could have endured...
You're still waffling! I don't care yet!


"Sssssshhhhhyeaah!" Without trying, the air escaping my teeth made such a strange sound mixed in with a minor scream. I had no idea what just surprised me. What?! What happened?
I'm not so sure about this onomatopoeia, is it pain? Excitement? I've chosen to interpret it as the sound made when one stubs one's foot while realising they've won the lottery.



I hate this town, this place so much!
I dislike this phrasing, this sentence so much!


Enough internal monologing!
Tell me about it brother!


preparing to dig into the oatmeal I microwaved during that time.
Hayo! I'm in this story! Just kidding! I am mush not meal


  • character- the introverted middleschooler with an unhappy home life is maybe relatable, but not actually very interesting, or in what I've read, likeable. Also I have no idea how old a middleschooler is, I am not american.
  • I understand it's maybe realistic, but so far I don't care about what happens to Mc, and in the first chapter that's a problem. I think you also tell me too much without showing me, you pretty much just list off his family situation rather than showing me any examples, maybe show his interactions with his step dad in the morning rather than bring him up out of nowhere.
  • setting- again so far there's nothing I'm overly invested in, you've already spoiled in too many words that Reed's gonna psychically bond with some alien gal and fall on love, I just don't feel the need to read more.
  • In general I don't like this start, I know plenty of films and books start with naration from the main character reflecting back, but what does it really do for the story? Maybe the story gets good in a few chapters, but I'm not gonna get there because you lost my interest in the beginning!


Anyways, remember my opinion is just that of some guy, congratulations on finishing the story even if it wasn't for my palette, and have fun writing your next one!

Mostly this confirms what I already know ~ the slow pacing is a bit of an issue especially if I don't have a good enough claw into interest at the very beginning. Wish I knew how to fix this but so far don't know of a way just quite yet. Anyways thanks for the fair review of the opening bit.
 
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