I would Like to receive feedback for my writing. Thank You for Your Time!

[EitoSan]

I will attach the link to the story here https://www.scribblehub.com/series/25085/taken-hostage-by-an-angel/.
I am used to constructive criticism, so please don't sugar coat words or be gentle. I would love to be judged fairly and impartially,
So that I can improve as a writer. I feel like the only thing that you have to know before going into this reading is that I'm not
writing the series in the traditional sense of American literature. I instead choose to adopt the Japanese stylistic choice of light novel writing. So this book
Will read out like a combination of a screenplay and a novel.

 

[XianPiete]

I liked your writing although it's not the kind of story I enjoy so I can't give content feedback. I would say you should go through and do some edits for formatting and grammar, maybe just read through and see if you still like how you wrote sections of it after not looking at it for a while (I catch mistakes on mine all the time even as far back as the first chapter.)

 

[EitoSan]

Thank you for your time and suggestions. Writing in itself is always rewriting. I'll go back and look for areas in which I could improve!

 

[jinxs2011]

I liked your writing although it's not the kind of story I enjoy so I can't give content feedback. I would say you should go through and do some edits for formatting and grammar, maybe just read through and see if you still like how you wrote sections of it after not looking at it for a while (I catch mistakes on mine all the time even as far back as the first chapter.)

First chapter has always been dicey for me, mainly because... Well, I wrote the first chapter when I had no writing experience. It kinda makes sense for the first chapter (or first few) to not be as good (structurally, although content may still be good) as the rest of the story, as you learn and improve as you go.

 

[EitoSan]

Honestly I concur, first chapters do tend to be dicey, if you're just writing blindly. Try to sit down and map out the plot so you never derail. For myself I wrote the first chapter, then I was like wow this first chapter is kinda boring. So i went back and wrote a prologue to lead into the first chapter XD

 

[jinxs2011]

As for the story synopsis just in the link there, it feels too long and it feels like it's trying way too hard to be funny, and pretty much failing in the process.
And just saying, what do you have against full stops? Not a single one of the places where the characters are talking in the synopsis has a full stop, not even question marks or exclamation marks where it looks like they should be. I see a random capital, commas seem overused and sometimes where they aren't needed. The synopsis also heavily breaks the 4th wall with no context as to why (characters don't seem insane or capable of dimension-crossing and based on the synopsis there's no rational reason why either of the main characters would be writing about the events around them).

 

[EitoSan]

Oh I'll change the synopsis then. I just thought it would fun try to something newish. Since I found just a plot summary to be kind of boringish. Of course it has nothing to do with the story, I was just tinkering with an idea. Yea the synopsis is not heavily as edited as the chapters for sure. I just had to have one so I wrote it on the fly. You bring up valid points. I should write a better sounding synopsis. But what I'm definitely curious about is your opinion on the actual content.

 

[jinxs2011]

Oh I'll change the synopsis then. I just thought it would fun try to something newish. Since I found just a plot summary to be kind of boringish. Of course it has nothing to do with the story, I was just tinkering with an idea. Yea the synopsis is not heavily as edited as the chapters for sure. I just had to have one so I wrote it on the fly. You bring up valid points. I should write a better sounding synopsis. But what I'm definitely curious about is your opinion on the actual content.

Had a look, and was surprised at how much better than the synopsis it was. Interesting choice to have so many parts to the prologue, but they aren't particularly long, so I don't think it's particularly a bad thing - just unusual.

Couple things I noticed, firstly this doesn't quite make sense:

With a flap of her wings, Brier flew in every direction possible to draw the opponents gaze away from her as she readied her crossbows and imbued them with her magic.

Flying around rapidly wouldn't draw enemy gazes away from you. It would make you difficult to hit, but I would think it would more attract enemy attention.

And interesting choice of words and grammar at some points:

"Wow, You're really good Master Zatark, I didn't expect you actually to come out of that not hurt, guess you're stronger than you look Heh-heh."

I probably would have written it as something closer to:

"Wow, you're really good Master Zatark, I didn't expect you actually to come out of that unhurt. Guess you're stronger than you look, Heh-heh."

(Both of these are from prologue part 2)

 

[EitoSan]

You're right about that! My intent was to make it so that her rapid flying would confuse her opponent, I'll change it to "With a flap of her wings, Brier flew in every direction possible to distract her opponent, as she readied her crossbows and imbued them with her magic."

As for the second point, I was trying to make sure sound more cheeky, as that is what I based her character around. so I'll change it to this ""Wow, You're really good Master Zatark, I didn't expect you actually to come out in one piece, guess you're stronger than you look Heh-heh."

The prologue is split up into parts because I like abrupt transitions. Like they went from fighting to being in an office room. They went from an office room to a massacre scene.

Thanks you time and critics though! I always want to learn of more ways to improve my writing.