I wrote the first chapter to my first smut series

[BenJepheneT]

As the title stated, I've been working on this for quite a while. Done concept art, made outlines, revised the plot a couple times before making the thing itself.

It IS smut, but it isn't entirely so. Of course, the kithing is still the main focus, but instead of just raw dogging there's character moments and world-building (yes, there's that) and action thrown in between.

It's my first foray into the genre. My only prior experience are doujins I've read during my "down bad" moments.

Any and all feedback is appreciated.

The Problem Store Alpha 0.1 [first night]

docs.google.com

Warning: the whole thing is about 12k words long, but it's supposed to be sectioned to about 4-5 parts. I won't blame you if you don't read the whole thing. But hey, if you do, you have my utmost gratitude.

 

[SakeVision]

Smut fic?

True, there is smut going on. But the writing style is nothing like what you expect to find in fics like these.
Snarky remarks like becoming harder than tungsten are great and characteristic of the intellectual mind; but they won't make anyone reading it harder than tungsten, which is usually the purpose of writing smut.

In other words, you're too smart for this shit. Unless you mean to subvert the genre, then by all means, keep going.

 

[Armored99]

As the title stated, I've been working on this for quite a while. Done concept art, made outlines, revised the plot a couple times before making the thing itself.

already failed, smut isn't supposed to have a thought out plot.

 

[BenJepheneT]

Smut fic?

True, there is smut going on. But the writing style is nothing like what you expect to find in fics like these.
Snarky remarks like becoming harder than tungsten are great and characteristic of the intellectual mind; but they won't make anyone reading it harder than tungsten, which is usually the purpose of writing smut.

In other words, you're too smart for this shit. Unless you mean to subvert the genre, then by all means, keep going.

If by subvert you mean "use the tag as a bait to my advantage" then by all means, yes.

already failed, smut isn't supposed to have a thought out plot.

That's not all junior; I'm planning to make a harem, and ALL the girls are gonna have planned characterization and story arcs.

Yeah wrap your head around that

 

[greyblob]

As the title stated, I've been working on this for quite a while. Done concept art, made outlines, revised the plot a couple times before making the thing itself.

It IS smut, but it isn't entirely so. Of course, the kithing is still the main focus, but instead of just raw dogging there's character moments and world-building (yes, there's that) and action thrown in between.

It's my first foray into the genre. My only prior experience are doujins I've read during my "down bad" moments.

Any and all feedback is appreciated.

The Problem Store Alpha 0.1 [first night]

docs.google.com

Warning: the whole thing is about 12k words long, but it's supposed to be sectioned to about 4-5 parts. I won't blame you if you don't read the whole thing. But hey, if you do, you have my utmost gratitude.

Well, I read the first smut scene, and I don't think is how smut is supposed to be written. The writing is very good; it's just misdirected imo. You're highlighting the MC (the narrator) instead of the person he's fucking. People don't read smut to read about the MC's personality, but insert themselves into him. So, I'd say the whole focus should be on the opposite person - how she talks, moans, moves, etc. There's also too little actions, and too much descriptions - and again, the descriptions are misdirected.
It could be just me, though. And this might not even be the case, but something definitely felt off. In conclusion, I didn't get hard.

 

[SakeVision]

Well, I read the first smut scene, and I don't think is how smut is supposed to be written. The writing is very good; it's just misdirected imo. You're highlighting the MC (the narrator) instead of the person he's fucking. People don't read smut to read about the MC's personality, but insert themselves into him. So, I'd say the whole focus should be on the opposite person - how she talks, moans, moves, etc. There's also too little actions, and too much descriptions - and again, the descriptions are misdirected.
It could be just me, though. And this might not even be the case, but something definitely felt off. In conclusion, I didn't get hard.

Not really...for example, during my smut writing days, I used to write from the perspective of female, often she was even superposed against literal faceless men, but the focus was still on what was happening to her body, what she felt, and her internal monologues.

In a similar vein, most gay fiction is written from the perspective of the bottom(uke) and seme is there just to be strong, and manly, and dominant and plow him hard.

 

[greyblob]

Not really...for example, during my smut writing days, I used to write from the perspective of female, often she was even superposed against literal faceless men, but the focus was still on what was happening to her body, what she felt, and her internal monologues.

In a similar vein, most gay fiction is written from the perspective of the bottom(uke) and seme is there just to be strong, and manly, and dominant and plow him hard.

well this was from a guy's perspective while fucking a girl. but I barely even registered the girl was there. It was mostly how he was feeling, and if you were to replace the girl with a sex toy, not much would change. everything was from his perspective. She did something, and he described(very generously) how he felt about it - instead of the opposite. It could just be a me thing really. I dunno.

 

[SakeVision]

well this was from a guy's perspective while fucking a girl. but I barely even registered the girl was there. It was mostly how he was feeling, and if you were to replace the girl with a sex toy, not much would change. everything was from his perspective. She did something, and he described(very generously) how he felt about it - instead of the opposite. It could just be a me thing really. I dunno.

I think the author is just gay, hence he focuses on literal Guy so much

 

[BenJepheneT]

well this was from a guy's perspective while fucking a girl. but I barely even registered the girl was there. It was mostly how he was feeling, and if you were to replace the girl with a sex toy, not much would change. everything was from his perspective. She did something, and he described(very generously) how he felt about it - instead of the opposite. It could just be a me thing really. I dunno.

Well I'll be honest, if I'm fucking a chick, I'm investing all my focus to my crotch. The girl's just the eye candy that smooths out the process towards that climax. Her climax is like a bonus objective to my goal. Since this is my first time writing smut, I basically translated my thoughts onto the pages.

I'll probably try some other proses the more I get into it.

I think the author is just gay, hence he focuses on literal Guy so much

 

[greyblob]

Well I'll be honest, if I'm fucking a chick, I'm investing all my focus to my crotch. The girl's just the eye candy that smooths out the process towards that climax. Her climax is like a bonus objective to my goal. Since this is my first time writing smut, I basically translated my thoughts onto the pages.

thats all fine and dandy, but that's not how you write smut, or how any pornographic content is made for that matter. I'd say this is the equivalence of a hentai with each panel showing only the guy and his internal monologue; the girl or whoever he's fucking is blurred out. don't think this is a prose problem than prespective. but at the end of the day, this is just my take. you do you, my man.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Well I'll be honest, if I'm fucking a chick, I'm investing all my focus to my crotch. The girl's just the eye candy that smooths out the process towards that climax. Her climax is like a bonus objective to my goal. Since this is my first time writing smut, I basically translated my thoughts onto the pages.

I'll probably try some other proses the more I get into it.

This all depends on the audience you want to reach. For me, this is a selfish lover's perspective. There is nothing wrong with this, especially if it isn't a romance attached. c: But if you want to show love and care, you need to show more of the emotions involved with the act. Like, is she feeling it like I am? Or showing how she responds to something he does to her. Like... With one final push, she squinted her eyes shut, trembling under me.

In written just projecting imagery isn't enough for a good smut scene. Emotions sway the masses. I read a bit, but I couldn't read all of it. Too many erotic words cause me to squint. Again, nothing wrong with that! I just like my smuts to be flowery kind. :3 Heheh...

This is just from a female perspective. c:

already failed, smut isn't supposed to have a thought out plot.

My friend, you haven't read any good smut if that's what you think. Now if you are just talking about pure smut alone then, you may be right.

 

[BenJepheneT]

thats all fine and dandy, but that's not how you write smut, or how any pornographic content is made for that matter. I'd say this is the equivalence of a hentai with each panel showing only the guy and his internal monologue; the girl or whoever he's fucking is blurred out. don't think this is a prose problem than prespective. but at the end of the day, this is just my take. you do you, my man.

Nah, it isn't something permanent. I'm using this series as a way to experiment with prose and perspectives. This is one thing, but I might try a different thing next.

This all depends on the audience you want to reach. For me, this is a selfish lover's perspective. There is nothing wrong with this, especially if it isn't a romance attached. c: But if you want to show love and care, you need to show more of the emotions involved with the act. Like, is she feeling it like I am? Or showing how she responds to something he does to her. Like... With one final push, she squinted her eyes shut, trembling under me.

In written just projecting imagery isn't enough for a good smut scene. Emotions sway the masses. I read a bit, but I couldn't read all of it. Too many erotic words cause me to squint. Again, nothing wrong with that! I just like my smuts to be flowery kind. :3 Heheh...

This is just from a female perspective. c:

Oh, this isn't that kind of a story. It's a more... how can you say... grimey and down-to-earth kind of a tale. Friends don't meet each other out for a picnic under the sun to talk about puppies but rather, meet each other for a cigarette under a highway flyover motorcycle shelter to call each other cunts.

But I will take this into consideration if I ever wanna try out this kinda narrative.

 

[greyblob]

Nah, it isn't something permanent. I'm using this series as a way to experiment with prose and perspectives. This is one thing, but I might try a different thing next.

well good luck. I firmly believe smut is the hardest genre to write. And researching quality work is a fucking nuisance because it makes you horny.

 

[BenJepheneT]

well good luck. I firmly believe smut is the hardest genre to write. And researching quality work is a fucking nuisance because it makes you horny.

I think it's hard for me because I don't particularly find smut, or literary porn, to be alluring at all tbh. Words don't do as much power as visuals and audios do.

 

[greyblob]

I think it's hard for me because I don't particularly find smut, or literary porn, to be alluring at all tbh. Words don't do as much power as visuals and audios do.

you could say the same about any emotion though. videos can make you sad, happy, hyped more easily.
words draw the visuals, and your mind voices the dialouge. if text does nothing for you, you can still write smut if you want. you just have to study how others do it and apply it yourself.
instead of making readers feel excited or depressed you gotta make them horny. that's all. different emotions, different techniques.

 

[Armored99]

I'm planning to make a harem

Nooooooooo

 

[gaylolis]

>I’ve been eating out of this woman for over twenty minutes.

i kinda expect an actual cannibalism tbh

if you had plans to add them let me know

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Oh, this isn't that kind of a story. It's a more... how can you say... grimey and down-to-earth kind of a tale. Friends don't meet each other out for a picnic under the sun to talk about puppies but rather, meet each other for a cigarette under a highway flyover motorcycle shelter to call each other cunts.

But I will take this into consideration if I ever wanna try out this kinda narrative.

Hehe... Sounds like my type of story. I love my grim-dark stuff. Though, for some reason, when the erotic things are too detailed, it makes me run away. Nothing bad with it! Just my personal taste is grim-dark with flowery language for sex.

Idk, reading juices for lubrication, and stuff makes me go ew... Calling a vulva a cunt makes me go, oh... So it has the opposite effect on me.

Different audiences, though! I represent the latter. Anyway, gl! And if you ever introduce romance, just remember emotions matter for connections. Though you said it wasn't that type of story. But I leave my advice here just in case it turns out from just plain sex to love. :3

Words don't do as much power as visuals and audios do.

Funny thing though, words win wars in the end. They are what rally the people, making them act towards good or bad. c:

 

[BenJepheneT]

you could say the same about any emotion though. videos can make you sad, happy, hyped more easily.
words draw the visuals, and your mind voices the dialouge. if text does nothing for you, you can still write smut if you want. you just have to study how others do it and apply it yourself.
instead of making readers feel excited or depressed you gotta make them horny. that's all. different emotions, different techniques.

well shit, i have no idea what makes other readers excited, but i know what gets ME excited. like i said, i can only work from there. doesn't mean I'm not trying to broaden my horizons. I've been reading on some of the more popular smut series (90% of them are McDonald's trash holy shit i feel sleepy more so than i feel horny) and taking notes.

Nooooooooo

>I’ve been eating out of this woman for over twenty minutes.

i kinda expect an actual cannibalism tbh

if you had plans to add them let me know

don't need to.

channel your sixth sense.

when you feel a disturbance in the force, you'll know.

Hehe... Sounds like my type of story. I love my grim-dark stuff. Though, for some reason, when the erotic things are too detailed, it makes me run away. Nothing bad with it! Just my personal taste is grim-dark with flowery language for sex.

Idk, reading juices for lubrication, and stuff makes me go ew... Calling a vulva a cunt makes me go, oh... So it has the opposite effect on me.

Different audiences, though! I represent the latter. Anyway, gl! And if you ever introduce romance, just remember emotions matter for connections. Though you said it wasn't that type of story. But I leave my advice here just in case it turns out from just plain sex to love. :3

i personally find it better if all the nitty gritty details are laid out. tell me how taxing it is to thrust your hips; tell me how stanky that pussy be; tell me how hard your tiddy MnMs be. paint that picture out so i can experience it in ethereal 4d. maybe that's just me. like i said, first foray into the genre, I'm testing shit out.

and if you have read past the initial paragraph you would see that indeed, I'm cultivating a relationship here. i ain't a one night fling I'm writing here.

Funny thing though, words win wars in the end. They are what rally the people, making them act towards good or bad. c:

you still need something to back those words up. the Americans could threaten war because we know their nuclear stockpile and the force of their army. a lion roaring in a zoo can't do shit when all it's got are claws and the zookeepers got 12 guages.

not saying words don't have power, but that power needs credibility. and if you can show that credibility, all the more power to said words.