If possible, I would like some review and constructive criticism?

Zerir

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Hello, I just update a 3° chapter of a small story but I still struggle with some aspects, if someone would like to check and review it I would really appreciate it.

P.D.

- I’m aiming for a setting like Diablo 1, dark, bloody, and post-apocalyptic.

- English is not my native language so, yeah.
 

SailusGebel

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Hello, I just update a 3° chapter of a small story but I still struggle with some aspects, if someone would like to check and review it I would really appreciate it.

P.D.

- I’m aiming for a setting like Diablo 1, dark, bloody, and post-apocalyptic.

- English is not my native language so, yeah.

First of all, English isn't my native language as well. Secondly, your story isn't my cup of tea. I won't even bother trying to say what you've done good or bad regarding the actual story and its development. Lastly, I didn't read it thoroughly, the last chapter and a half I skimmed through.

Your work is hard to read. I don't know how to describe this feeling well enough. Maybe your writing style doesn't suit my taste, because I feel your description overly big, for me at least. I mean your depiction of emotions and little poetic-like pieces you wrote. Also, the things you choose to describe and skim over is sometimes wrong. If you tried to show and convey the despair or fear I didn't felt it one bit, what I felt is boredom. Sorry, it's just my preference and it's subjective. Also, you made a few mistakes with using tenses as well as simple mistakes with words usage and typos. Perhaps your mistakes made it hard for me to read.

Now about the setting. I didn't play Diablo 1, but I heard a lot about it. I can simplify dark, bloody, and post-apocalyptic into a dark fantasy. As I saw it, and I can be wrong, you overdid it. The thing with dark fantasy at least for me is, that it only works when you have a contrast. You showed a glimpse of good things here and there, but it just doesn't work, for me. We are thrown into a desperate world, then we are shown a desperate fight, then we are shown a desperate fight for survival, then a small flashback, and, basically, back to despair. There wasn't something normal to balance it. Something more to show the middle between despair and hope. If I should make my opinion based on a few chapters, which I personally think is wrong, it's unbalanced.

I'm sorry that this looks more like a rant than actual review or critique. But it's hard to tell my feeling properly. Especially when I didn't like the concept. Though I do have two advices. You should somehow separate the speech from the rest of the text. Maybe use quotation marks or something like that. A simple italic isn't as effective in my opinion. Especially when you don't separate the speech of different characters with different paragraphs. And the second advice is to use Grammarly or something similar if you haven't used it yet. It would help you with editing and proofreading and you do need edit.
 

Ral

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I'm not a native English user as well. So, take what I said with a grain of salt.

The very first thing I notice is how unrefined the prose is.
A worldwide deafening earthquake shatters the ground splitting the earth, as a never-ending sandstorm raze the surface while lighting strikes down with such might it obliterate entire mountains, all of this cause just by the small movements of the last standing God which now sleeps through the eternity above the world itself, twisting and stretching himself across the entire realm as he waits patiently for the opportunity to continue his work...
This paragraph for example try to do to many things at once. It list disasters, explains what causes them, introduces a god and its situation, while giving hints of what its purpose. All in one sentence.

You have to split each parts, remove some parts or both.

Have a specific idea or purpose for each paragraph in mind to keep it from getting muddled like this.
While the scaled God of retribution awaits, a story develops inside the deeps of this merciless world. Boiling steam of acid which could easily melt any mortal spreads inside the caves, that are now the only refuge Mortals have. Endless screams and cries vibrate through the air originating even deeper into the earth and as we fall, we can feel distrust, terror, pain, hate spreading in the guts of this doomed world, but remarkably that's not the only thing we feel there is something... Not new but something rediscovered, a feeling that was brutally forced to lay dormant for many centuries leaving the mortals into a dark place, but now it has returned and with it the possibility of change.
Not only is the paragraph very unfocused, it is very opaque. Like, what are you trying to say here? Don't try to overdo your writing, in the effort to be mysterious, that we can't understand what we are reading.

Also, be sure that you are using the right words. I think you meant to say 'stream of acid' instead of 'steam of acid'.
A citadel stands while its people prepare for battle. A battle that would be the first step towards a better future has started, A battle to end the war against the Terror's Acolyte who wishes to prolong the era ruled by his master who is the Designer of terror itself, this war has raged on for decades now with no clear winner. The Homo Sapiens and the Homo lupus know respectively known as HOMNS and HOMUS fight ceaselessly always going forward enduring the uncountable losses, always standing up and deifying a reality which asks of them to live as cattle or fall on the eternal nightmare.
The citadel just pops out of nowhere.

And again, this paragraph is trying to do so many things at once.

And after getting here, I noticed that you wrote the story as if you are filming a movie. You show us a very wide view of the world with the disaster and the sleeping god, then zoom in into the depths of the earth, then zoom into the citadel where a battle happens. Don't do this. It is a visual technique that isn't going to translate into texts.
On this day Homns and Homus prepare to fight as they have done for centuries but this time it is different, be it by luck or just mutual benefit a bond long dead was revived as a long-forgotten family wish to join them once again, one who reached and offer their help in exchange of asylum. The 2 families had reasons to distrust the forgotten ones since the Homo Natura also known as HOMURA abandon them in the past, hiding and enclosing themselves betraying the other families causing the deaths of thousands and the subjugation of an entire family... But as the distrust, fear, and anger start to emerge, a Homus leader in her wisdom declared:
I don't get what is happening here!
"All the Homura in front of us are not to be blame or be punish by the sins and transgressions of their predecessors since the offspring are not their predecessors and above all can't choose their progenitors"


As these words were spoken every doubt, fear and resentment dissolved, changing to a warm welcome for their long-lost siblings. Now 1 week after it, the Acolyte has begun to move and when it was known that a new battle approached, the leader of the HOMURA stood up and pledge to live or die with the Homus and Homns.
Woah. Just a single sentence and all the resentments are gone?

And a time skip.

Seriously. The way you tell the story is inconsistent. There is the movie thing with the moving camera. Uncontrolled time skips and flashbacks. You even have a plural first person thing ( . . . as we fall, we can feel distrust, . . . ). Then you go on more fairy tale approach.

The narration is just a mess.

This needs a serious rewrite.

You also have to study and familiarize storytelling techniques. Study how people tell stories in this medium.
 
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