Im back and looking for advice

[Pmuno2abc]

Alright a while ago I began writing a series and dropped it shortly after it started due to unfortunate circumstances.

Anyways I'm looking for ways to improve further since during my time off I practiced my writing.

Chapters 1-7 are when I started and chapter 8 is well hopefully better than the rest.

I plan to go back and fix any errors and I'm sure theres plenty but I figured I'd get some advice from other people since I'm sure I have some bias that will affect how I see what I posted

Heres the novel

A strangers story

Okay so I for real try to write a non shitty dark isekai Alright so basically guy and his family dies and he gets isekaid to a demon nation. In exchange for his service the king will bring back his family but this king isnt being honest about many things....

www.scribblehub.com

Basic synopsis is married dude dies after robber kills him and his family. He reincarnated into a demon nation to fight against humans in exchange for his family whose souls were preserved. king tries to take absolute control over him but fails since the divine weapon(wraths fire) givin to the mc is better than he thought. MC escapes and makes a better deal with the weapon and now hes traveling the world with his new master.

Basically dude travels with something he clearly cant handle and clewrlt has the power to do whatever it wants to him

 

[Ram5]

Alright, a while ago I began writing a series and dropped it shortly after it started due to unfortunate circumstances.

Anyways I'm looking for ways to improve further since during my time off I practiced my writing.

Chapters 1-7 are when I started and chapter 8 is well hopefully better than the rest.

I plan to go back and fix any errors and I'm sure there's plenty but I figured I'd get some advice from other people since I'm sure I have some bias that will affect how I see what I posted

Heres the novel

A strangers story

Okay so I for real try to write a non shitty dark isekai Alright so basically guy and his family dies and he gets isekaid to a demon nation. In exchange for his service the king will bring back his family but this king isnt being honest about many things....

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis: A robber broke into my house and killed us, then I was reincarnated and told to fight my own race while they prisoned the souls of my family, I acquaintanced with a divine weapon and it helped me escapes, now I am traveling the worlds, seeking a way to free the people I love, along with my new master.

Alright, I tried to give replace the synopsis above with my version, it's not very good but at least, I think, more comfortable to read.

Now onto the story, note that I only have been read the first chapter and I will try to give you feedback based on it (it's fine if you don't take it, I am not a pro after all.)

1. Name and visual appearance, your story starts right off the bat with dialogue, while it's not necessarily bad, but it's important to introduce something from the MC to the reader for them to care... and knowing the MC name is a basic necessity, next is visual appearance, the reader needs to know what your character looks like because it took him one chapter to die, unless the reincarnation also happened in the same chapter, but even so, your reader still need to know your character's appearance, even only a hair or their figure, it's not hard really, just write like "I scratched my short curly hair, or massaged my slender shoulder," that's enough for to give the reader a vague description, and Scribble Hub also had a feature to add image, making it easier for you to describe your character.

2. You should use simple language more instead of trying a complex one, especially when added into a dialogue, for example; " "Hello sir would you like to buy some cookies. The proceedings will go to our local boy scouts." it could be replaced with, " Hello sir, would you like a cookie? For our boy scouts."

3. I don't really know about the 911 call, I listened to some in the youtube, but I don't think the first question about breaking in was you escape or not, probably about do you see the person look like or asking where he is now? and the officer will not close the call unless the mc did it, because they fear the person in need will do something reckless as rushed in to attack or something.

Well, that's all from me, the story premise is good and heart-breaking, mc's last time was very sad, kudos author!

 

[Pmuno2abc]

Thank you very much for the advice it was the first thing I wrote seriously and to be honest I regret leaving it.

I will take your advice to heart as I write the continuing chapters