I'm newbie here! And i need a feedback!

Blueshine

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2019
Messages
5
Points
3
It's called Snazzy Girl O Mine.
Blurb:
A shines girl whose like a snail crawling slowly, meeting a skillful man, like a lion.

In this world, there is a beautiful love where two people understand each other when reunited after a few years. That day, they remained silent in the town square.

Aaron said, "I have hope when we see a fireworks party together in the city."

Lizzy asked curious, "What's that?"

He calmly and deeply looked at Lizzy carefully, "For the rest of my life, I want to be with you."

Lizzy paused for a moment. "What are you trying to say?"

Good, very good. Just a few words from her, his mood went up and down like a child. Slowly, Aaron grasped his own hair.

Aaron decided to go straight to the point of the conversation, "I've been chasing you for a long time, how are you feeling?"

...

Any feedback will appreciated!!^^
 

Bladedante

Active member
Joined
Jan 11, 2019
Messages
11
Points
43
I can tell English isn't your primary language
Alot of mistakes in your blurb
Starting from the very first line
A shines girl whose like a snail crawling slowly, meeting a skillful man, like a lion(this sentance literally makes 0 sense)

In this world, there is a beautiful love where two people understand each other when reunited after a few years. That day, they remained silent in the town square.(what's this sentance for they reunite and just sit there and stare at each other?)

Aaron said, "I have hope when we see a fireworks party together in the city."(again improper English could be i have hope we will see but then again that doesnt fit in context with the rest)

Lizzy asked curious, "What's that?"

He calmly and deeply looked at Lizzy carefully, "For the rest of my life, I want to be with you."

Lizzy paused for a moment. "What are you trying to say?"

Good, very good. Just a few words from her, his mood went up and down like a child. Slowly, Aaron grasped his own hair.
(The good, very good not sure how her not understanding what he ment would give that reaction)
Aaron decided to go straight to the point of the conversation, "I've been chasing you for a long time, how are you feeling?"
(Again doesnt fit with what's said before)

As I said earlier this needs work almost every part of this reads like a Mtl translation of a poor Chinese romance.)
...
 

Blueshine

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2019
Messages
5
Points
3
I can tell English isn't your primary language
Alot of mistakes in your blurb
Starting from the very first line
A shines girl whose like a snail crawling slowly, meeting a skillful man, like a lion(this sentance literally makes 0 sense)

In this world, there is a beautiful love where two people understand each other when reunited after a few years. That day, they remained silent in the town square.(what's this sentance for they reunite and just sit there and stare at each other?)

Aaron said, "I have hope when we see a fireworks party together in the city."(again improper English could be i have hope we will see but then again that doesnt fit in context with the rest)

Lizzy asked curious, "What's that?"

He calmly and deeply looked at Lizzy carefully, "For the rest of my life, I want to be with you."

Lizzy paused for a moment. "What are you trying to say?"

Good, very good. Just a few words from her, his mood went up and down like a child. Slowly, Aaron grasped his own hair.
(The good, very good not sure how her not understanding what he ment would give that reaction)
Aaron decided to go straight to the point of the conversation, "I've been chasing you for a long time, how are you feeling?"
(Again doesnt fit with what's said before)

As I said earlier this needs work almost every part of this reads like a Mtl translation of a poor Chinese romance.)
...
Haha yes English isn't my primary language. I'm from Indonesia so, my english is poor 😁Thank you so much for your replay. I will fix it!
 

Elateam

Fish and Chips Salesperson
Joined
Jun 22, 2019
Messages
58
Points
58
I never tried this but there is something called Grammarly (https://www.grammarly.com/) which could help you with ironing out sentences. Also try reading out your writing because that helps too. It is hard to try to improve on a language you're not familiar with but if you keep writing you'll eventually learn and improve, so keep working hard :blob_paint:.
 

Blueshine

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2019
Messages
5
Points
3
I never tried this but there is something called Grammarly (https://www.grammarly.com/) which could help you with ironing out sentences. Also try reading out your writing because that helps too. It is hard to try to improve on a language you're not familiar with but if you keep writing you'll eventually learn and improve, so keep working hard :blob_paint:.
Many thanks. I also used the application, really helped me. But I don't know if there are still mistakes because of my poor English.
 

ChubbyLiv

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 5, 2019
Messages
64
Points
58
It's called Snazzy Girl O Mine.
Blurb:
A shines girl whose like a snail crawling slowly, meeting a skillful man, like a lion.

In this world, there is a beautiful love where two people understand each other when reunited after a few years. That day, they remained silent in the town square.

Aaron said, "I have hope when we see a fireworks party together in the city."

Lizzy asked curious, "What's that?"

He calmly and deeply looked at Lizzy carefully, "For the rest of my life, I want to be with you."

Lizzy paused for a moment. "What are you trying to say?"

Good, very good. Just a few words from her, his mood went up and down like a child. Slowly, Aaron grasped his own hair.

Aaron decided to go straight to the point of the conversation, "I've been chasing you for a long time, how are you feeling?"

...

Any feedback will appreciated!!^^
0. I'll skip grammar. I'm bad at grammar myself.
1. I see no chemistry between those two animals snail x lion? It sounds a bit strange together.
2. "In this world, there is a beautiful love where two people understand each other when reunited after a few years." From their conversation, it's more like they don't understand each other at all. And it's only him who loves her. ʘ‿ʘ
3. It would be good to describe their relationship. Are they childhood friends? Coworkers? Boss and a subordinate? A star and a fan? Because I could only imagine a man who suddenly fell in love at first sight with a girl during fireworks. And love at first sight never works for me.
4. There is no flow in their conversation. Probably you wanted to portrait Lizzy as a dense girl. But for me, It looks like both of them talk in different languages and she is answering him randomly because she doesn't understand his language.

That's all. (/・ω・(-ω-)
 

Blueshine

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2019
Messages
5
Points
3
0. I'll skip grammar. I'm bad at grammar myself.
1. I see no chemistry between those two animals snail x lion? It sounds a bit strange together.
2. "In this world, there is a beautiful love where two people understand each other when reunited after a few years." From their conversation, it's more like they don't understand each other at all. And it's only him who loves her. ʘ‿ʘ
3. It would be good to describe their relationship. Are they childhood friends? Coworkers? Boss and a subordinate? A star and a fan? Because I could only imagine a man who suddenly fell in love at first sight with a girl during fireworks. And love at first sight never works for me.
4. There is no flow in their conversation. Probably you wanted to portrait Lizzy as a dense girl. But for me, It looks like both of them talk in different languages and she is answering him randomly because she doesn't understand his language.

That's all. (/・ω・(-ω-)
Ok, it seems i must to work hard at this. XD Thank you!
 
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