Just Need Some Feedback, Any Thoughts Are Nice.

UndyingEmbers

New member
Joined
Jul 6, 2019
Messages
16
Points
3
I read your first chapter, and it looks like an interesting story to me. I have a couple pieces of feedback for you, that hopefully will help you out.

There are some minor grammatical things and some confusing wording in that first chapter. For example, try to avoid using and twice within a sentence as you did when listing the clothes he was wearing. You had:

"So after putting on a red shirt with a yellow text and a black lightning bolt and brown jeans, I walk down stairs."

Consider something like: "So after I put on a red shirt with yellow text and a lightning bolt, I threw on my brown jeans and walked down the stairs."

When you describe the eye in the sky as having average blue eyes, for a second I wondered if the sun had been replaced with two eyes that were looking at him rather than one.

Lastly, I think that your story would work better if you chose either first or third person perspective and stuck with it. In the first part, everything is told from an "I" perspective and then in the last couple paragraphs it switches up. Personally, I feel that third person limited is the easiest and most reader friendly perspective to use, but either way, choose one and go with it.

Hope this information helps you out some, I'll continue reading your story. I really enjoyed the premise! Keep up the hard work. :)
 

TheOneWho

New member
Joined
Jan 20, 2019
Messages
6
Points
3
I read your first chapter, and it looks like an interesting story to me. I have a couple pieces of feedback for you, that hopefully will help you out.

There are some minor grammatical things and some confusing wording in that first chapter. For example, try to avoid using and twice within a sentence as you did when listing the clothes he was wearing. You had:

"So after putting on a red shirt with a yellow text and a black lightning bolt and brown jeans, I walk down stairs."

Consider something like: "So after I put on a red shirt with yellow text and a lightning bolt, I threw on my brown jeans and walked down the stairs."

When you describe the eye in the sky as having average blue eyes, for a second I wondered if the sun had been replaced with two eyes that were looking at him rather than one.

Lastly, I think that your story would work better if you chose either first or third person perspective and stuck with it. In the first part, everything is told from an "I" perspective and then in the last couple paragraphs it switches up. Personally, I feel that third person limited is the easiest and most reader friendly perspective to use, but either way, choose one and go with it.

Hope this information helps you out some, I'll continue reading your story. I really enjoyed the premise! Keep up the hard work. :)
Thank you for the feedback I really appreciate it. I will keep your advice in mind for my up.coming chapters.
 
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