Just published my Tomboy Harem novel publically

deweyan

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I only got 8 chapters on it for now. Might've been a bit too excited, what with drama already happening 3 chapters in, but, eh.

My English is kinda stiff and not much in the way of the vocabulary, I know.
There's still some mistakes that I think could've been fixed, but for now, I'm happy as is until some comments wreck my pride and gave me a reality check.

Link for mobile users ( pretty sure signatures doesn't show up unless you're on desktop ? ) :

Give me your honest thoughts, no bars hold.
 
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Desintegration

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Hey, i have read only first chapter of your story for now, so I my opinion is limited to only that. Anyways, here is everything I can say:

- You wrote Akira to be a girl, but made it obvious with saying it's 'male'. I think it's better to delete the ' '.
- 'Why the emphasis on 'male'? That's because I, Kurosaki Yuuto2, have experienced some sort of lucid dream in the life of an...' It's very strangely written, the sentance after the question does not have anything to do with the question itself.
- Why some of the phrases characters say have every word starting in capital, but other don't? Is this a way to make character shout? Why not make it caps then? (Instead of 'Please Go Out With Me' use 'PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME') but it's just my opinion though.

Overall it was nice start.

That's all I guess. I am just a newbie author myself so it's not like my opinion should be taken too seriously :D
 

deweyan

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Hey, i have read only first chapter of your story for now, so I my opinion is limited to only that. Anyways, here is everything I can say:

- You wrote Akira to be a girl, but made it obvious with saying it's 'male'. I think it's better to delete the ' '.
- 'Why the emphasis on 'male'? That's because I, Kurosaki Yuuto2, have experienced some sort of lucid dream in the life of an...' It's very strangely written, the sentance after the question does not have anything to do with the question itself.
- Why some of the phrases characters say have every word starting in capital, but other don't? Is this a way to make character shout? Why not make it caps then? (Instead of 'Please Go Out With Me' use 'PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME') but it's just my opinion though.

Overall it was nice start.

That's all I guess. I am just a newbie author myself so it's not like my opinion should be taken too seriously :D
1. Good point, I added some minor changes to make it flow better.
2. I'm not sure how to do that sentence right, but I'll try my best to change it for the better before chapter 7 is released at 04-02-2025. You got any suggestion for that?
3. Well, later down the line (at chapter 4, specifically), all caps are used for when the MC is emptying their lungs to scream away at some mobs. When I use every word with capitals, I meant for it to be like they're deepening their voice for intimidation and others.

Thanks for the honest feedback! Would'nt've known about these mistakes if no one pointed them out.
 
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Desintegration

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1. Good point, I added some minor changes to make it flow better.
2. I'm not sure how to do that sentence right, but I'll try my best to change it for the better before chapter 7 is released at 04-02-2025. You got any suggestion for that?
3. Well, later down the line (at chapter 4, specifically), all caps are used for when the MC is emptying their lungs to scream away at some mobs. When I use every word with capitals, I meant for it to be like they're deepening their voice for intimidation and others.

Thanks for the honest feedback! Would'nt've known about these mistakes if no one pointed them out.
2 - I see you improved this part, but now it's confusing what the whole 'male guard' thing is. What I mean, why MC has a guardian? 'my parents entrusted him to be my guardian outside of my house, meaning he basically had full reign over my personal life' Is MC's family rich aristocracy that needs to guard their children? Why some guys need guardians in this world? I may just got it all wrong, i am not sure.
3 - You can add author's note at the start of chapter 1 explaining that.
 

deweyan

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2 - I see you improved this part, but now it's confusing what the whole 'male guard' thing is. What I mean, why MC has a guardian? 'my parents entrusted him to be my guardian outside of my house, meaning he basically had full reign over my personal life' Is MC's family rich aristocracy that needs to guard their children? Why some guys need guardians in this world? I may just got it all wrong, i am not sure.
3 - You can add author's note at the start of chapter 1 explaining that.
2. Ah, so that's what I felt was missing! Yes, so on the first few drafts, I planned to have it be a guardian-like relationship where the first LI is sorta manipulating things beyond his control, but it didn't clicked with me, so male guard only at school it is. I'll fix this up soon.
3. Good point — Counterpoint, I'm making an [Introduction] chapter detailing things of what to expect and not expect from my story, one of them describing the usage of capslocks, and as I to stick to schedule, I'll release it alongside two other chapters by Tuesday.
 

sbdrag

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3. Good point — Counterpoint, I'm making an [Introduction] chapter detailing things of what to expect and not expect from my story, one of them describing the usage of capslocks, and as I to stick to schedule, I'll release it alongside two other chapters by Tuesday.
Haven't read, but I can say, it's more intuitive for English readers if you just state:

She deepened her voice to sound more intimidating as she said, "Stop that."​

-than to capitalize every letter. Sure, you can add a note at the beginning, but some readers will just choose not to read if there's an unusual typing quirk they don't like. Another style you could use that would feel more intuitive to English readers would be to use bold rather than caps, though that's also uncommon and I still recommend just saying that the character is deepening their voice. You also run the risk of people skipping the introduction chapter, which is why you want your writing to be as easy to understand without explanation as possible.

It's ultimately your choice, but I saw your other thread about wanting to improve naturalistic English writing, so I wanted to give you some alternatives in that regard. I'll try to give it a proper read myself later, just busy with coursework at the moment.
 

CharlesEBrown

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The only time I've seen First Letter Only Capitalized was when a character was talking in a "Mom Voice" to children. And when she was really upset, She. Talked. Like. This.
It was funny but jarring.
 

deweyan

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Haven't read, but I can say, it's more intuitive for English readers if you just state:

She deepened her voice to sound more intimidating as she said, "Stop that."​

-than to capitalize every letter. Sure, you can add a note at the beginning, but some readers will just choose not to read if there's an unusual typing quirk they don't like. Another style you could use that would feel more intuitive to English readers would be to use bold rather than caps, though that's also uncommon and I still recommend just saying that the character is deepening their voice. You also run the risk of people skipping the introduction chapter, which is why you want your writing to be as easy to understand without explanation as possible.

It's ultimately your choice, but I saw your other thread about wanting to improve naturalistic English writing, so I wanted to give you some alternatives in that regard. I'll try to give it a proper read myself later, just busy with coursework at the moment.
Thanks for the feedback! I forgot that bold exist, and hopefully I can use this alongside other text options more effectively in the future. I hope you can stomach the bad wordings, and if you don't, at least you now know that it isn't for you - yet, I hope kekekek.

The only time I've seen First Letter Only Capitalized was when a character was talking in a "Mom Voice" to children. And when she was really upset, She. Talked. Like. This.
It was funny but jarring.
Hmm, this is quite the dilemma I got here. On one hand, I liked that kind of formatting. On the other, people find it rather inefficient for the story. And since I am the author and I can do whatever I want, be it fixing them, keeping them, or throwing them away, I am conflicted on what to do for now. Hopefully I can find my answer soon enough.

Thank you guys very much for the feedback, the next chapter will release by 7 P.M. Washington Time, and I am too indulged on doing the side chapters instead of the main one, lol, so I'll give a half of it as a bonus for now (or not, IDK).

Also also, how do you guys post all those funny emojis chipping chips and sweating sweats? I can't seem to find it.
 
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