Just want some feedback on my first chaper

[MrDarkness1234]

Can some pls read my chapter for any mistakes or flaws so that I can improve on them later

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Can some pls read my chapter for any mistakes or flaws so that I can improve on them later

Which chapter?

 

[MrDarkness1234]

Just the First Chapter

 

[Nixil]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/39439/riftela-a-beginning-of-a-lifetimebook-/

The grammar was pretty awful from just the first 2 sentences and it seems like a pretty generic story from the synopsis.
You should probably work on your fundamentals as it is hard to give in-depth advice to this kind of work.

 

[Linodo]

I read the chapter, and I can tell that English isn't necessarily your first language. So, I would suggest you read some other fictions from published authors first. Learn how they structure their sentences, the rules of grammar and maybe use some software such as Grammarly to check. Also, every sentence begins with a capital letter.

Again, if you really want to write in English, read from the best. You could also watch some youtube videos to improve! Having bad grammar would throw anyone off, even if you have a spectacular story. So, yeah... Don't give up and just hone your craft!

 

[Scribbler]

My advice to improve grammar is to read a book on it.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Well, it seems that the chapter suffers from a lack of 1) punctuation, 2) capitalised letters, and 3) commata, or rather from an inconsistent pattern when it comes to these.

"when got up all I saw was white room than expands endlys like dessert that has no end."

You see, in the first sentence you use a minuscle at the beginning while the next sentence starts correctly with a majuscule

"Then my eyes started to wake up all I saw was beautiful figure that look like a goddess. "

,only to tuse a minuscule immediately afterwards again

"so I ask her "where am I?" "

Then we have a lot of missing punctuation marks

""Could tell me your name before you use《Potential Unlock》".I said Before I risk my life having my potential unlocked

"Sure you can my name is Elena whats is your Name?"Elena said with a smile

"Oh my name is Ian Lee a high schooler 3rd year"I said "

And not forgetting, commata, commata, commata.

 

[MrDarkness1234]

th

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/39439/riftela-a-beginning-of-a-lifetimebook-/

The grammar was pretty awful from just the first 2 sentences and it seems like a pretty generic story from the synopsis.
You should probably work on your fundamentals as it is hard to give in-depth advice to this kind of work.

Thank you
I when I Realized this I thought I should rewrite it or maybe correct it so I chose both but it will take sometime for the rewriting process

 

[UndyingEmbers]

I thought I'd throw my two cents in here in hopes that you will continue to try and not give up on writing your story. First, the positive is that there is some potential for an interesting Isekai story here.

Ian is taken to another world and has his powers awakened, and he will go on a journey to increase said powers and probably do good things.

Now, I have three points of criticism:

1. As the others have said, you should work on the basics of sentence structure and grammar. Capitalize sentences and try reading them aloud as you write. If the language sounds broken, then try to rewrite it until it sounds more natural.

2. Your story is not very balanced when it comes to dialogue vs descriptive text. You should try to flesh out some more actions and descriptions of what is going on.

3. It looks like this story is a type of LitRPG and from what I see, the stats and skills that the MC is starting with at level 1 look to be obscenely overpowered. Beyond that, make sure that the numbers make sense in relation to one another. If Int influences maximum MP for example, then make sure that those 200,000 points can easily multiply up to the maximum MP. I would recommend starting your MC with fewer skills so that they have things to discover and learn along the way as well. Formatting wise, try using the table function for stats to make things a bit neater. I only recently discovered how to do this myself, and it really makes stat dumps look a lot neater and separates them from the text of the story.

Good luck and I hope you keep at it. Hope this helped you!

 

[MrDarkness1234]

I thought I'd throw my two cents in here in hopes that you will continue to try and not give up on writing your story. First, the positive is that there is some potential for an interesting Isekai story here.

Ian is taken to another world and has his powers awakened, and he will go on a journey to increase said powers and probably do good things.

Now, I have three points of criticism:

1. As the others have said, you should work on the basics of sentence structure and grammar. Capitalize sentences and try reading them aloud as you write. If the language sounds broken, then try to rewrite it until it sounds more natural.

2. Your story is not very balanced when it comes to dialogue vs descriptive text. You should try to flesh out some more actions and descriptions of what is going on.

3. It looks like this story is a type of LitRPG and from what I see, the stats and skills that the MC is starting with at level 1 look to be obscenely overpowered. Beyond that, make sure that the numbers make sense in relation to one another. If Int influences maximum MP for example, then make sure that those 200,000 points can easily multiply up to the maximum MP. I would recommend starting your MC with fewer skills so that they have things to discover and learn along the way as well. Formatting wise, try using the table function for stats to make things a bit neater. I only recently discovered how to do this myself, and it really makes stat dumps look a lot neater and separates them from the text of the story.

Good luck and I hope you keep at it. Hope this helped you!

Thank you very much
Edit
I was want him not be op by attacking right this moment time but latter on