Kinda late, but... can anyone give me some feedback?

[Rustpen]

The story in question is Cultivation Done Right (https://www.scribblehub.com/series/8659/cultivation-done-right/). I'm aware that people usually open feedback threads when a story is in its beginning, but... I just found out about it, and I wanted to give it a try. I'm not asking any of you to actually read the whole story, but it'd be nice if someone could give a look at the first few chapters (especially the prologue) and give me opinions/suggestions/recommendations.... and, well, feedback, really (grammar, pacing, flow, plot, characterization, style, world-building, foreshadowing, word choice... literally anything, even changes to the synopsis (which I also plan to change soon)). I will rewrite the first few chapters in the future, and I want to offer the readers the best experience I can, so I'd really appreciate it. Of course, if you'd like to talk about the whole story, then I'd really, really appreciate it, but I'm not really expecting that to happen.

Here's the synopsis:
After his universe is accidentally destroyed, a young man gets sent to a parallel universe that seems awfully familiar to those of the cultivation novels he used to read. Faced with the possibility of omnipotence, his inner megalomaniac is awakened, and he decides to use his vast knowledge of cultivation novels to scheme and cheat his way to the top.

I'd just like to add one thing: if you're feeling unsure about it because it's a cultivation novel... well, I must admit my word isn't worth much as I'm the author and clearly biased, but I assure you it isn't like most cultivation stories, for what it's worth. In fact I wrote it precisely because cultivation novels are usually so... well, repetitive, shallow, exaggerated, underwhelming... I could go on and on, really. Do keep in mind that I'm generalizing on purpose here.

 

[ars]

I don't have much energy for reading and giving super in-depth critique at the moment, but I took a quick glance over your prologue.

• Your writing style is solid! Everything flows very well. Your grammar and diction are great. The way you write is very approachable, clear, and understandable.
• I personally enjoy that the protagonist's personality is rather calm.
• The tone of the prologue suggests that this story is an easygoing read with no extreme emotionally dramatic highs or lows. While there may be scenes of tense action or emotion and we may see development of the protagonist's desires and emotions, I wouldn't expect this story to include any soap opera subplots or idiot ball characters. If there is any use of the typical reincarnation cliches, I would expect the protagonist to turn them on their heads with a refreshing new perspective. Basically, I would expect this to be a very stable story anchored by the protagonist's calm and quickwitted reactions.
• Nitpicking details: first line isn't the catchiest. There are infinite choices for what you could do with this - you could add an introduction scene showing Chris ending his normal day, so that the reader can form some understanding of who and what type of person he is, as well as create an emotional connection to him before his whole world turns over. This type of backstory would help cement Chris as his own rounded person with a former life, interests (or lack of interests), hopes, etc. On the other hand, if Chris is purposefully left vague as a person to make him easier for the reader to project on, you can ignore this suggestion.
• Alternate suggestion is just a quick cleanup of the first few sentences to strip some of the padding: "Chris laid down in bed to sleep when everything went dark. He found himself somewhere that most definitely wasn’t his bedroom—unless his room had suddenly turned into an endless gray-black void overnight."
• Personal note: I'm not too much a fan of mixing too many thoughts into the narration. To me, it feels clunky to have to switch voices in my head so often. Here is what your first large paragraph would look like if you turned the first person 'thought voice' into third person. Whether this works or not is completely up to you!

Spoiler

He looked around—and in trying to do so caught sight of his body. His oddly transparent body. Startled, he brought his hands up to his eye-level; he could see right through them (although there really wasn’t anything to see, being in a void and all). It keeps getting better, he thought to himself wryly. Clearly something was wrong with his body. As a matter of fact, it didn’t look like he was in his body. As far as he could tell, he was currently in a soul-like state of sorts. Alright, seemed like he was a soul, then. Since he could see, think, and feel without a solid body… well, now he'd like to have a good, long talk with his biology, chemistry, and physics teachers. Actually, this was a major fuck-you for all of science, really. Chris shook his head. Now wasn’t the time for that. He organized his thoughts. This really didn't seem like a dream; he knew dreams, and this clearly ain’t one. Guess that meant he was dead, he concluded. Bummer. Now what? He looked around and saw a great deal of absolutely nothing. Pretty sure this wasn’t what heaven was supposed to look like. He saw no angels or clouds or lights. Nor hell, for that matter. No burning fire and anguished people screaming in sight. So much for Christianity.

I think the positive reaction your story has received from its readers shows that you're doing something right.

 

[Rustpen]

I don't have much energy for reading and giving super in-depth critique at the moment, but I took a quick glance over your prologue.

• Your writing style is solid! Everything flows very well. Your grammar and diction are great. The way you write is very approachable, clear, and understandable.
• I personally enjoy that the protagonist's personality is rather calm.
• The tone of the prologue suggests that this story is an easygoing read with no extreme emotionally dramatic highs or lows. While there may be scenes of tense action or emotion and we may see development of the protagonist's desires and emotions, I wouldn't expect this story to include any soap opera subplots or idiot ball characters. If there is any use of the typical reincarnation cliches, I would expect the protagonist to turn them on their heads with a refreshing new perspective. Basically, I would expect this to be a very stable story anchored by the protagonist's calm and quickwitted reactions.
• Nitpicking details: first line isn't the catchiest. There are infinite choices for what you could do with this - you could add an introduction scene showing Chris ending his normal day, so that the reader can form some understanding of who and what type of person he is, as well as create an emotional connection to him before his whole world turns over. This type of backstory would help cement Chris as his own rounded person with a former life, interests (or lack of interests), hopes, etc. On the other hand, if Chris is purposefully left vague as a person to make him easier for the reader to project on, you can ignore this suggestion.
• Alternate suggestion is just a quick cleanup of the first few sentences to strip some of the padding: "Chris laid down in bed to sleep when everything went dark. He found himself somewhere that most definitely wasn’t his bedroom—unless his room had suddenly turned into an endless gray-black void overnight."
• Personal note: I'm not too much a fan of mixing too many thoughts into the narration. To me, it feels clunky to have to switch voices in my head so often. Here is what your first large paragraph would look like if you turned the first person 'thought voice' into third person. Whether this works or not is completely up to you!

Spoiler

He looked around—and in trying to do so caught sight of his body. His oddly transparent body. Startled, he brought his hands up to his eye-level; he could see right through them (although there really wasn’t anything to see, being in a void and all). It keeps getting better, he thought to himself wryly. Clearly something was wrong with his body. As a matter of fact, it didn’t look like he was in his body. As far as he could tell, he was currently in a soul-like state of sorts. Alright, seemed like he was a soul, then. Since he could see, think, and feel without a solid body… well, now he'd like to have a good, long talk with his biology, chemistry, and physics teachers. Actually, this was a major fuck-you for all of science, really. Chris shook his head. Now wasn’t the time for that. He organized his thoughts. This really didn't seem like a dream; he knew dreams, and this clearly ain’t one. Guess that meant he was dead, he concluded. Bummer. Now what? He looked around and saw a great deal of absolutely nothing. Pretty sure this wasn’t what heaven was supposed to look like. He saw no angels or clouds or lights. Nor hell, for that matter. No burning fire and anguished people screaming in sight. So much for Christianity.

I think the positive reaction your story has received from its readers shows that you're doing something right.

Hey! Thanks! First of all, from what you're telling me, it seems I managed to mostly achieve what I wanted to achieve with the chapter, with some exceptions. The impression you got of the protagonist is roughly what I had in mind when I wrote it, although it wasn't really my intention to leave him some vague. Actually, I think it was my intention when wrote it, as Cultivation Done Right started on a whim, without any prior planning. Now that I've written a few chapters, however, I've decided to take the story seriously, meaning I now know where it's going and that I also have a better grasp on Chris's personality. That means that your suggestion to write a scene showing Chris ending his normal day, establishing him as a character, is great and I'll definitely do it when I re-write the chapter. It's also true, moreover, that the hook is weak and that's also something I'll work on (again, thanks!).

There are a couple more issues I've noticed that are related to the difference in my mindset when I wrote it and my current one: back then, I did intend the story to be more easygoing, as you've mentioned, with no dramatic highs or lows, and while it seems I did manage to give off that impression, that's no longer true—I've now decided to make it more seriously, meaning that I'll have to re-write the first chapter to give off that impression. Moreover, it seems I didn't fully manage to convey its comedy aspect, which will mostly deal with subverting common tropes and having Chris take advantage of them. That's also something I'll have to work on.

Moreover, your alternate suggestion is a very nice one; I also think useless padding should be cut, and I'll pay more attention to that in the future. Finally, into there's what you said about thoughts in the narration: I've considered it, and I now realize it does feel rather awkward to have to switch voices that often. Seamlessly integrating those thoughts into the narrative itself is a wonderful suggestion, and I'll definitely take advantage of that in the future; in fact, that's actually in line with my intention all along: although the story is in the third person, Chris is still the P.O.V character (it isn't entirely omniscient; the reader only has access to Chris's thoughts and reactions; as far as other characters are concerned, the reader can only know what they seem/appear to feel, as the narrator isn't getting inside their heads as it does with Chris—except, of course, when I write scenes under the P.O.V of another character, obviously), so his thoughts should naturally permeate the narrative itself. You've reminded me of it, and for that I'm doubly grateful.

In any case, loved yours suggestions! Thanks again!

 

[ars]

Glad I could help!

I think your prologue is strong enough to stand without further editing for the moment, so whenever you've gone deep into your story and feel that it's time to polish, I wish you luck~

I did feel the comedic undertone through Chris's thoughts, so I think that was pretty successful! Unless your story is centered around laughs and jokes, I don't think you need to write it into the prologue. The real meat of the content comes when Chris actually goes into the other world, so I'd be happy to wait for the laughs there Sort of like how King's Avatar has some gut-bustingly funny scenes scattered between the plot and cultiva... I mean, training.

 

[Rustpen]

Oh, in that case, then that's exactly what I had in mind. There's comedy, yes, but it definitely isn't the main focus of the story. As for when I'm re-writing... well, soon I plan to publish CDR in other websites as well (probably once the story actually gets interesting; right now it's still slow), so I'll probably do that quick re-write before I go about publishing it.

And, yes, King's Avatar definitely had some very funny scenes, especially when it came to how others reacted to Ye Xiu. My biggest issue with KA was the lack of solid romance (if I remember correctly); other than that, awesome story. Troubling Rain/Flowing Tree and his chat-spamming were also hilarious.

 

[Happyguy]

not good with words but, i loved it!!
it's unique and interesting , enough for me to be waiting for new chapters no matter how much time it takes.

 

[Rustpen]

Thanks!

 

[sage61]

It's a great story. The flow is there and does pull you into the story. I have fun reading it. Totally liked the other POV of the side characters because I get to see how the MC is portrayed from outsiders view and at the same thing let's me know more about the said side character. Ray's Travelogues on the beginning of each chapter also helps a lot in shading some light over the MC's way of thinking.

 

[Rustpen]

Hey! Thanks! I'm glad the multiple POVs were useful; I made sure, when writing them, to describe how they viewed Rayen, adding, as you said, depth to both of their characters. As for the Ray's Travelogues section... most of all, I'm glad someone's reading them, haha. Originally I intended them as a way to further characterize the story/sneak in some world-building with more personality, but it turned out it also worked to further shape Rayen's mindset, as you noted. Anyways, thanks for the feedback!

 

[sage61]

LOL Initially, I did skip on reading the Ray's Travelogues section, but on the chapter 2, I realize that it actually have its use. So I went back to the beginning and read up on all the Ray's Travelogues section once more. The MC's way of thinking seems to have been shaped during his travels, and reading the log does wonders to the story.

 

[Citsune]

The story in question is Cultivation Done Right (https://www.scribblehub.com/series/8659/cultivation-done-right/). I'm aware that people usually open feedback threads when a story is in its beginning, but... I just found out about it, and I wanted to give it a try. I'm not asking any of you to actually read the whole story, but it'd be nice if someone could give a look at the first few chapters (especially the prologue) and give me opinions/suggestions/recommendations.... and, well, feedback, really (grammar, pacing, flow, plot, characterization, style, world-building, foreshadowing, word choice... literally anything, even changes to the synopsis (which I also plan to change soon)). I will rewrite the first few chapters in the future, and I want to offer the readers the best experience I can, so I'd really appreciate it. Of course, if you'd like to talk about the whole story, then I'd really, really appreciate it, but I'm not really expecting that to happen.

Here's the synopsis:
After his universe is accidentally destroyed, a young man gets sent to a parallel universe that seems awfully familiar to those of the cultivation novels he used to read. Faced with the possibility of omnipotence, his inner megalomaniac is awakened, and he decides to use his vast knowledge of cultivation novels to scheme and cheat his way to the top.

I'd just like to add one thing: if you're feeling unsure about it because it's a cultivation novel... well, I must admit my word isn't worth much as I'm the author and clearly biased, but I assure you it isn't like most cultivation stories, for what it's worth. In fact I wrote it precisely because cultivation novels are usually so... well, repetitive, shallow, exaggerated, underwhelming... I could go on and on, really. Do keep in mind that I'm generalizing on purpose here.

As somebody who has rushed their prologue, I can comfortably state that the beggining is very rushed…
Maybe you could give your protagonist a personality or quirks to balance things out a bit? I wouldn't know, though, I am an amateur aswell…

I'm going to be harsh here: Having Chris die as soon as he falls asleep, and in the beginning is kinda sudden.
Not trying to start beef... Don't rely on me for good feedback.
The self-awareness was a nice touch, though.

 

[Rustpen]

LOL Initially, I did skip on reading the Ray's Travelogues section, but on the chapter 2, I realize that it actually have its use. So I went back to the beginning and read up on all the Ray's Travelogues section once more. The MC's way of thinking seems to have been shaped during his travels, and reading the log does wonders to the story.

Well, I'm glad it's being appreciated!

 

[Rustpen]

As somebody who has rushed their prologue, i can comfortably state that the beggining is very rushed…
Maybe you could give your protagonist a personality or quirks to balance things out a bit? I wouldn't know, though, Kyun… I am an amateur aswell…

I'm going to be harsch here: Having Chris die as soon as he falls asleep, and in the beginning is kinda sudden.who's almost end-game, being honest here).
Not trying to start beef... Don't rely on a fox for good feedback, Kyon~
The self-awareness was a nice touch, though.

Oh, you're not being harsh. You're being honest, and that's precisely what I wanted. You're completely right; the prologue was rushed, and it'd be interesting if I added some scenes of the protagonist's daily life, like ars suggested, in order to give it more substance. It's good feedback, and I'll definitely keep it in mind when I re-write the prologue and the first few chapters. Thanks!