Ghostworker
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new author here, hope to hear your thoughts.
Look for a simple review.... I glady review yours too.
- Thread starter Ghostworker
- Start date
Zirrboy
Fueled by anger
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Ghostworker's story:
www.scribblehub.com
I created Magic!
When a futuristic scientist is transported into the body of a primitive man in a newly formed world, under the oppression of the Gods human beings are lambs. In a world without mercy, See how Elric rises and uses the body of a mortal to tear down those so-called 'Gods'....
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Ghostworker
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thoughts?Ghostworker's story:
I created Magic!
When a futuristic scientist is transported into the body of a primitive man in a newly formed world, under the oppression of the Gods human beings are lambs. In a world without mercy, See how Elric rises and uses the body of a mortal to tear down those so-called 'Gods'....
Zenkarn
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So, read through your first chapter.
A couple of things:
-Dinosaur settings are dope. It's nice to see something that isn't the typical fantasy Elf/Dwarf/Human medieval European lands.
- You need to plug this into some kind of spelling/grammar checker. One example: "But Even though he fell. his body still created many powerful ancient Gods who rule the world." I'm assuming should probably be, "But even though he fell, his body still created many of the powerful ancient gods who now ruled the world."
-"As his consciousness cleared, he realized he was in a dark cave surrounded by a group of primitive people with animal skin clothing. Opening his eyes, he surveyed his surroundings." This feels like it's the wrong way around. He should need to open his eyes first to get the bit about the people. Unless there's something magical going on, in which case that needs mentioning.
- The general idea seems good, you just need to polish it. I like the god killing thing. Maybe run it through a text to speech and have a listen. It helps me check for any odd sentence structure.
Keep it up, as a new author can only get better from here.
If you would be so kind, I'm looking for reviews on The Garbage Gladiator, which is in my signature.
A couple of things:
-Dinosaur settings are dope. It's nice to see something that isn't the typical fantasy Elf/Dwarf/Human medieval European lands.
- You need to plug this into some kind of spelling/grammar checker. One example: "But Even though he fell. his body still created many powerful ancient Gods who rule the world." I'm assuming should probably be, "But even though he fell, his body still created many of the powerful ancient gods who now ruled the world."
-"As his consciousness cleared, he realized he was in a dark cave surrounded by a group of primitive people with animal skin clothing. Opening his eyes, he surveyed his surroundings." This feels like it's the wrong way around. He should need to open his eyes first to get the bit about the people. Unless there's something magical going on, in which case that needs mentioning.
- The general idea seems good, you just need to polish it. I like the god killing thing. Maybe run it through a text to speech and have a listen. It helps me check for any odd sentence structure.
Keep it up, as a new author can only get better from here.
If you would be so kind, I'm looking for reviews on The Garbage Gladiator, which is in my signature.
Zirrboy
Fueled by anger
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The execution seems rough to say the least, but setting and premise sound interesting.
I'm not a big fan of character impressions or other forms of previews in the synopsis and would have probably found a slightly more elaborate summary of his starting position with challenges and opportunities to be more appealing.
Unless you specifically want to create disconnect between your MC and the reader, action should always come before reaction.
I can't relate to anger than I don't know the reason for.
That reason is provided a second of reading later, but by then it's his anger than I now know explained rather than one I feel at the situation and find shared in him, thus making me identify.
At the very least mention the source of his indignation before you show the frustration that comes from it.
Depending on how willing you are to make large changes after publishing, I'd even suggest you give him a prolonged flashback of the events.
If the reader doesn't share the MC's sentiment on this matter, the narrative doesn't work.
Then there are a few things about the setting:
They are in a cave, then there's a carriage mentioned, then they're back in the cave.
"Animal skin clothing" makes me think unprocessed, but if the world is at that stage I find uniform faith to be out of place.
That would come with regular contact with the outside, which in turn would bring with it the technology of groups that created the book he carries.
But with a bit of polishing this has the potential to be quite an entertaining work.
I'm not a big fan of character impressions or other forms of previews in the synopsis and would have probably found a slightly more elaborate summary of his starting position with challenges and opportunities to be more appealing.
These two paragraphs are the first that bring up your actual plot and they're backwards.
Unless you specifically want to create disconnect between your MC and the reader, action should always come before reaction.
I can't relate to anger than I don't know the reason for.
That reason is provided a second of reading later, but by then it's his anger than I now know explained rather than one I feel at the situation and find shared in him, thus making me identify.
At the very least mention the source of his indignation before you show the frustration that comes from it.
Depending on how willing you are to make large changes after publishing, I'd even suggest you give him a prolonged flashback of the events.
If the reader doesn't share the MC's sentiment on this matter, the narrative doesn't work.
Then there are a few things about the setting:
They are in a cave, then there's a carriage mentioned, then they're back in the cave.
"Animal skin clothing" makes me think unprocessed, but if the world is at that stage I find uniform faith to be out of place.
That would come with regular contact with the outside, which in turn would bring with it the technology of groups that created the book he carries.
But with a bit of polishing this has the potential to be quite an entertaining work.
Ghostworker
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thanks for the thoughts both of you. and I'll be sure to review the Garbage Gladiator