Looking for a Critique

[Ghostblood]

Looking for tips or any advice to make my book better.

Silver Coin

Russ Yule was a man of many talents with the ladies. 'What can go wrong?' He thought. One day his mother took all of his titles because she can't stand his misuse of the Yule's name. She wanted him to be his man, and he takes life seriously. Can...

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[HURGMCGURG]

I appreciate that you start off your book without an infodump. Too many authors lack a solid hook. However, you really need an editor or you need to be able to go through all your stuff and fix it. There's some stuff in your book description that I just don't understand from how you've written it.

 

[Ghostblood]

I appreciate that you start off your book without an infodump. Too many authors lack a solid hook. However, you really need an editor or you need to be able to go through all your stuff and fix it. There's some stuff in your book description that I just don't understand from how you've written it.

I see. I'll get to that when I can. Thanks for the input!! infodump, takes to long even for me. I like to say what I want the reader to know when they need to know it.

 

[Ghostblood]

I appreciate that you start off your book without an infodump. Too many authors lack a solid hook. However, you really need an editor or you need to be able to go through all your stuff and fix it. There's some stuff in your book description that I just don't understand from how you've written it.

Too many authors lack a solid hook. However, you really need an editor or you need to be able to go through all your stuff and fix it.

Can you tell want do you mean? I'd like a clear detail about what you mean.

 

[HURGMCGURG]

Too many authors lack a solid hook. However, you really need an editor or you need to be able to go through all your stuff and fix it.

Can you tell want do you mean? I'd like a clear detail about what you mean.

They are both remarking on separate things. "I appreciate that you start off your book without an infodump." is what "Too many authors lack a solid hook." is talking about. Then I move onto a new topic.

 

[tiaf]

"Lady Yule also would be 'upset' if she saw 'that' in your bed also," Ala said matter of factly while pointing out a naked girl sucking him off as they talk. If that girl was not there all on his dick, she would have hit him more where it hurt the most instead of his stomach.

There are double words and missing words in one paragraph. The very first sentence of the next paragraph has the same problem and it breaks the reading flow.
-matter of factly while pointing out > as a matter of fact while pointing at

How money works in this world is like an account base system that is in ones, status box. The one who is paying can set it however they want to pay the [Worker].

That sentence needs more explanation. What do you mean with status box?

Many words could be better phrased or just don’t mean what you intended them to express, thus making your story messy.

Also look at the tenses again. You switch between simple past and present tense. Stick with one.

 

[Ghostblood]

There are double words and missing words in one paragraph. The very first sentence of the next paragraph has the same problem and it breaks the reading flow.
-matter of factly while pointing out > as a matter of fact while pointing at

That sentence needs more explanation. What do you mean with status box?

Many words could be better phrased or just don’t mean what you intended them to express, thus making your story messy.

Also look at the tenses again. You switch between simple past and present tense. Stick with one.

Hi, and thanks for the point outs.

For the first problem, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fix that yet because that was intentional.

The character is a monotone character. That doesn't really want to say much of anything, type of person. The book doesn't necessarily follow one person as a primary main character. So the narration intentionally follows what the person just said.

For example: If a person's personality is about having fun, it will change the narration for them. If a sad person is talking, the narration flows with what they just said.

I also have seen this one sentence from this one book that I read, that went like this;

And he rather not deal with that too. Thank you very much.

This is after a sentence from someone who was annoyed with another person. So the narration flows with them.

I definitely do get what you're saying, just letting you know that was intentional. [Change of flow]

But I think I know how to fix that problem.

[That sentence needs more explanation. What do you mean with status box?]

I didn't really want to information dump on a subject. And that one would take a large amount of explaining what status Box means in game terms, if you don't understand how games work.
Because the book is LitRPG. Inventories and stats exist in the book. So I would have to explain game mechanics.

I will try to think of something on how to fix that. However, there's a lot of game mechanics in the book.

I was really trying to avoid information dumping.