OK, first I have to mention that the English language is not my native language, so maybe I failed to understand something right...
Now let us begin. I read up until Chapter 5.1.
The positives. You clearly have a clear idea of the story in your mind. We get the chapter with Lucifer in it, and we hear about his portrait, but we are not getting his descriptions. I thought this was weird at first, but it later played out really well in the story with the reveal. Kate and Sara are both interesting characters.
There are some minor problems with the story, Pitch's escape makes the heroes look very incompetent, and the way Michael brought his daughter to see Pitch looks very weird. Also, we have a problem with show, not tell. We have two chapters with Pitch in them, and he has done nothing to earn his fame as the strongest warlock. We are being told that he is one, but he himself is pretty meh. Any other character, Michael, Sara, Kate, Lucifer, all overshadow him, and he is the character that introduces us to the story.
Next, there are some mistakes:
This place was supposed to be glamoured by my angels and hidden by heroes.
Unless I am mistaken, Kate does not have any angels under her command at this time.
You still have a chance to get your wings back. Put away the gun and repent. I could have an angel here and then we could have a trail with the archangels, and you could get your wings. Simple as that.”
A trail? I think the correct word would be "a court trial".
Pitch grabbed Lucifer’s hands unexpectedly, and his friend looked at him startled, “You were never the murder, Lucifer It wasn't your fault.”
The right word here is probably murderer, not murder, since they are speaking about the death of Lucifer's sister.
Learn to use the past tense and try to make your words sound clearer:
Her oldest brother, Ricky, answered happily, “It went fine, although we found out that one of the Queen's guards was helping the villains. We tracked him down, who almost killed a duchess. Man, I mean that villain was so close to killing her.”
It really feels like it should be: "We tracked down the man who almost killed the duchess." Or at the very least: "We tracked him down, the one who almost killed a duchess."
He wanted Lucifer so badly to fight back with him.
This just sounds plain strange, IMO. It should rather be: "He desperately wanted Lucifer to strike at him" or "Michael desperately wanted Lucifer to fight back."
As Kate sat down, her friends swarm around her, asking how her date was and commenting on how well her nails were polished.
This sentence works, but it reads really weird.
“Listen, don’t listen to your master. You could come back to the Heroes’ Headquarters.”
This sounds like it should be something like: "You don't have to listen to your master anymore!", but your sentence works, because these are the words of a supposedly scared character who was cornered by the enemy. It just reads really weird IMO.
The story is good and I will probably keep reading it. If I had to rate it now, I would probably give it 3.5 stars. The fact that the story managed to keep me hooked up, despite some strange choices in language, speaks volumes about your talent as a writer. But you need to improve your English. All in all, keep up the good work and always be happy!
