Looking for feedback for my prototype story called, Ragna!


Aug 15, 2020
Hey y'all, i'd like some feedback for my story PLEASE. I'm not looking for feedback on the grammar or spelling, since I have yet to edit it, but i'd love feedback on the story itself is it interesting, like from what I have so far, does it pique your interest?

Know that this is only a prototype so the actual chapter may change completely or it may not.

Enough talk here is my story, ENJOY

April 4th x738 E6
Maple City -2pm

As usual, it was a sunny day in Metro City, everyone was going on about their business, keeping the city moving like a rotating wheel, the city was as busy as ever filled with a mixture of noises, from its civilians, traffic, and many wild/domestic animal, it was as if the city was speaking itself. In a more quieter area of the city, a boy by the name of Ren Arks is making his way towards an abandoned warehouse.

Ren Arks is a 20-year-old human, with spiky black bed hair, at first glance you would think he has never brushed his hair in a year now, but he would say otherwise. Ren has deep brown eyes filled with laziness and defiance. Ren has tanned olive skin that makes his hair and eye stand out.

Ren reached the entrance of the warehouse, and slowly opened it, only to be met with more than twenty delinquents all carrying some sort of weapon. Upon seeing the situation he was in, Ren let out a sigh before closing the door behind him and placed his hands in his pockets as he scanned the warehouse looking at all the delinquents.

"I knew coming here would be a drag…." Ren complained to himself. "Why was I asked here?"

From within the crowd of lawbreakers, a big swole man walked up to the front of the crowd, and next to him was a smaller man who had a black eye on his left eye.

"Are you the little punk that gave my little brother this bruise!?" The sole man asked in a stern voice

"Yes, that's me Ren Arks, at your service" Ren replied in a smug tone "Do you need me to give him another black eye?"

The swole dude clenched both of his fists in anger and frustration. "Do you think this is some kinda joke!". The dude then reached into his pocket and pulled out two gold knuckle dusters and equipped them onto his hands

"The only joke here is, a grown man like you is running around playing gangsta with your pathetic friends" Ren replied "jeez most of you look to be in your late thirties….instead of causing unnecessary trouble, why don't you get a job and stop being bums," Ren said out loud. Ren then looked at the guy who had a black eye "And you...you walk around acting tough bullying the innocents but can't handle yourself when someone fights back...pathetic"

All the delinquents started shouting in anger and waving their weapons, "who do you think you are!", "do you want to fucking die!" "We will teach you to mess with us!" "We will make sure you wake up in a hospital bed!". Those were the type of things they were shouting, but not one of them phased Ren.

Out of everyone the swole dude at the front was the one who was angry the most "SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!!" He shouted, and immediately everyone stopped shouting, he then started cracking his knuckles "I hope you understand that you have sealed your own fate of being beaten black and blue and left unconscious! I'll make sure you never talk shit again"

"I could have gotten an extra thirty minute of sleep but noooo, my dumbass had to come here and have my time wasted," Ren said to himself annoyed. "Well look at you acting all tough! Fate isn't going to save you and your friends from this ass whooping, I'm about to hand out to each of you" Ren grinned as he removed his hand from his pocket

Two guys holding metal bats charged at Ren with anger in their eyes. The first guy swung his bat downwards aiming for Rens's head, but with little to no effort at all Ren caught the bat with one hand. Then with a grin Ren applied some pressure to his grip and crushed the bat, before the first guy could react Ren powerhouse kicked him straight in the stomach, sending him flying and crashing into the crowd of delinquents. This inhumane display of strength made the second guy flinch in fear hesitating to continue any further, which was unfortunate, as Ren plunged his fist into his face, knocking him out cold.

"You see..i-i told you...he was a monster!" The guy with the black eye whimpered

Seeing a glimpse of Rens raw strength put the others on edge. "What's wrong? You can all attack me together if you like" Ren said as he cracked his neck "You weaklings are going to need the handicap" Ren grinned

"Kill that son of bitch!!" The swole guy shouted with anger

And with that command, all the delinquents charged at Ren at full speed. Ren Arks is a lazy guy so most underestimate him since his hardly motivated to do anything, but fighting is one of the things that excites him, especially if the odds are against him since he himself is a delinquent but since he has a job he puts himself above other delinquents who don't have a job.

A few minutes had passed and Ren had taken out all of the delinquents, the only ones left were the swole man and the man with the black eye.

In a terrified voice, the man with a black eye mumbled "n-no way….this can't be possible...h-his a monster"

The swole delinquent clenched his fist as tight as he could and in a fit of rage and humiliation, charged at Ren "You son of a bitch!" With all his might, the delinquent threw a straight jab towards Ren. The delinquent's fist passed straight through Rens face as if he just hit the air. "The hell!"

"That's called an after image" Ren said as he appeared behind the bulky delinquent, with his fist recoiled back to his waist. As soon as the delinquent turned around, Ren launched his fist straight into the delinquent's face, breaking his jaw, nose and sending him flying into a wall knocking him out unconscious.

"Oh shit, oh shit, this isn't good," the guy of the black eye said trembling in fear

"Now it's your turn" Ren grinned as he approached the black-eyed guy, but before Ren could reach him, the black-eyed guy passed out in fear

And with that, Ren emerged victorious, he was the last one standing with all the delinquents laying on the ground unconscious, Ren himself wasn't injured at all, a group like this is no match for him, he wouldn't even consider it a warm-up.

Ren grabbed one of the delinquents phones and called an ambulance "hey there is an emergency, I happen to stumble upon a few…..roughians who seem to be unconscious at the abandoned warehouse behind Maple plaza. Bring like, 1..2..3..4...umm just bring as many ambulances as you can" Ren explained before hanging up the phone, not give the person on the receiving end of the line enough time to reply

"The only reason I came here was that I was expecting a good fight….but I guess I was expecting too much" Ren sighed. At the corner of Rens eye, he saw the time on one of the delinquents watch and his eyes widened a little bit, as he was running late for his job. "Fuck I'm late for work!"

Ren quickly ran out of the warehouse and into Maple Plaza where his workplace was located. Ren finally arrived at his worksite, which was a small restaurant called "Big Bites".

"Your late again Ren!" A tall said as she walked past Ren, holding two plates of food on her way to serve a customer

"Yeh I know I know, I had some pest to take care of" Ren quickly replied

Ren made his way into the restaurant's locker room and got changed into his work uniform, but before he could leave, another man with a smug look on his face walked into the locker room and took a seat on one of the locker room bench.

"Why is your face like that?...." Ren asked looking at the man that just walked in

The man then chuckled and looked up at Ren "Well if you insist on knowing, I just scored big time with an older woman...and I have a date coming up with her"

"Jeez Lay, what is it with you and older women?...sometimes your obsession with them creeps me out," Ren said with a crept out look

"What is there not to be obsessed about? Older Women are much more mature then the girls our age and they know how to handle themselves….not to mention their body is also mature" Lay replied with a perverted smile

"Ugh, your just a pervert" Ren said as he placed his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave the locker room, but just before he could open the door Lay replied saying

"I'm the pervert? That's funny coming from a guy that has a fetish for feet"

Hearing this made Ren squeeze the doorknob with enough pressure to break it completely, a vain then popped upon his head and he clenched both of his fists. In a stern voice, he continued to say "What the hell did you say!?"

Lay stood up holding his ground, looking directly at Ren "I said, you have a fetish for feet" Lay replied egging Ren on

Ren turned around and grabbed Lay by his collar, greeting his teeth in anger "Don't ever lump me in with those weirdos!" Ren said in an exaggerated angry voice. "I'm a man with taste and class, I'm a man of culture, people with my kind of fetish stand above every other fetish in existence…" before Ren could go on any further with his monologue, Lay interrupted by saying

"Stop blabbering and get to the damn point!"

"Thighs god damn it THIGHS!" Ren blurted out "I have a fetish for Thighs….no not a fetish, Thighs are a way of living they are the gates to heaven!"

Ren Arks the only thing he loves more than fighting, is female Thighs, especially thick chunky and well-shaped thighs. Thighs can motivate Ren to do anything, Thighs are one of his only weakness.

Lay is a 21year old male human, with messy brown hair that hangs past his eyebrows. He has green eyes that sparkle in the sunlight like a shiny emerald. Lay is a very handsome person that is loved by almost every girl he comes across, but unfortunately, he is only into older women preferably women with an age gap of four years and older. Lay has an olive skin colour with a laid back and cool personality.

As the two boys bickered over which fetish was superior, a short girl with short pink hair walked out of the girls change room and into the locker room, with her work uniform on.

"Can you two just agree to disagree?" the pink-haired women said standing in front of both the boys

Both the boys stopped their intense dispute and focused their attention on the girl standing in front of them, their face filled with disgust as they gazed down at the short girl standing before them

Ren crossed his arms and kissed his teeth before saying "Shut up Maze….Your thighs are too skinny to have a say"

Lay also crossed his arms and kissed his teeth before saying "Yeh shut up Maze….you're too young to be in this conversation"

Maze is a 19-year-old human, with short and shaggy pink hair. She has dark blue eyes, filled with a hidden darkness, She stands at 5 foot 4 inches and has the body of a child.

"Your both so mean!...i was just trying to help" Maze whined

Before anyone else could say anything a loud bang was heard from the door and followed by it was the tall women from early, shouting "You guys, hurry your asses up!"

"Yes ma'am!" Both Ren and Lay responded at the exact same time, with obedience

The tall woman is known as Rachel and she is the owner of Big Bites. Rachel has long flowing orange hair that got lighter at the bottom, with midnight purple eyes that really stand out. Rachel is in her mid-thirties with a very well defined and curvy body figure, she has a light brown skin complexity that compliments her flowing orange hair. Rachel is considered a goddess in the eyes of both Ren and Lay, as she is both mature and has thick and well-shaped thighs, Ren and Lay are both willing to blindly follow her to the ends of the earth if they have to.

Both Ren and Lay quickly got changed and got to work. Maze was at customer service with a couple of other workers, while Ren was in the back cooking with other workers, and Lay went around serving the customers their food. The day went by fast and soon it was night, and Ren was left to close the shop down since he arrived late. Ren packed everything up then closed and locked up the store, before leaving.

"It's finally home time," Ren said to himself as he looked up at the night sky

Ren walked down an empty street with only a few cars that would drive past every now and then, the city was no longer talking but it wasn't dead silent either, all that could be heard was night creatures and distant vehicles.

In the distant night sky, high above Ren, hidden above the clouds, two, red unearthly beings flew across the sky, with their bat-like wings. These beings are demons from the Chaos Realm or known by mortals, as Hell. The first demon was extremely tall and slender and the other one was short, with the body proportion of a small child. Both the demons were dark red, with black goat-like horns growing out of their forehead, with bright yellow eyes and had hooves for feet.

"So this is the mortal real...lets go feast on some mortals!" The tall demon said

"No, we are here to strictly look for Ragna" The short demon replied

"It might take a while finding Ragna, lets just eat one or two mortals and get back to searching" The tall demon complained as he slowed down

Knowing that his partner wouldn't continue with the search unless he had his fill, the short demon slowed down and looked for nearby mortals. Looking down below they spotted Ren walking alone in an empty park.

"Found a human!" The talk demon grinned bearing all his sharp fangs

"Alright make it quick" The tall demon sighed

The tall demon raised his right hand in the air, and from his right palm, a long bright red, jagged spear formed in his hand, brimming with chaos energy.


The jagged spear pierced through the sky at high speed towards Ren. The spear was aimed for the back of Rens head, just before the spear could make contact with Rens head, Ren bent down to tie his shoelace, the spear just missing his head

"That was a close one, I could have tripped over my shoelace and fell down" Ren said as he tied his shoelace tightly.


Ren then stood back up and saw a big crater in front of him, at the center of the crater was the jagged spear.

"Huh? What the hell is that?" Ren asked as he looked at the jagged spear...and what's with the huge crater?" Ren continued to ask questions as he looked at the crater "maybe some sort of construction is happening, whatever must better get home, before I fall asleep out here"

"How the hell did you miss!" The short demon said to his partner

"He just got lucky, I won't miss again!" The tall demon replied


Another spear come soaring down towards Ren's head, but it missed again, when Ren changed his direction to go grab a drink at a nearby drinking fountain


Once again the spear impaled the ground cause a crater to form around it. Ren finished drinking and once he looked up, he was once again met by a jagged spear

"The hell is going on" Ren said confused, but once again decided to ignore it and continue walking

"Are you going to call that luck again?" The short demon said in a smug ton

The tall demon gritted his teeth starting to get angry "no that was just a fluke, I won't miss this time!"


A third spear raced down towards Ren, but this time the spear was simply off mark, missing him by several meters


The jagged spear plunged into the ground several meters in front Ren, immediately creating a crater.

"Alright this is just getting annoying" Ren said as he scratched the back of his head

"Okay this is just sad to watch" The small demon said looking at all the spears

In a fit of anger and frustration, the tall demon put both of his hands together before slowly pulling them apart, creating an even bigger, longer and more destructive jagged spear "I'll just destroy him along side with the damn park!"


The forth spear rocketed downwards with insane speed, generating insane force. The spear came only a few inches away from striking Ren, just before it could hit him, Ren spun around and caught the jagged spear with his left hand, using absolutely no effort.

This feat of his completely stuned and surprised the two demons, they could not believe their eyes, a mere human caught an attack that would kill a mere human with just the slightest touch

"How the hell did he catch that!!" The tall demon said in shock

"That should be impossible…."


The jagged spear, that Ren had caught, came zipping through the sky and shooting itself directly through the tall demons chest, creating a gaping hole. Seeing his partner in such a situation, especially a situation caused by a human, the short demon was completely speechless and frozen

"Are you ready to face me head on, instead of trying to sneak attack me!" Ren said out loud as he looked up into the night sky


The tall demon crashed into the ground causing a huge smoke explosion, the smaller demon flew down next to his fallen partner and looked at his lifeless body on the floor before looking up at Ren

"You are definitely an interesting human" The short demon said

"I tried avoiding you guys three times, by dodging your spears but it seems like you really just want an ass whooping," Ren said as he cracked his knuckles

"A normal human would be terrified at the sight of a demon, but you seem to be relaxed," The short demon said in an intrigued ton "Making you despair in fear before eating you should be fun"

The short demons entire body started to glow, as it grew bigger and bigger dwarfing Ren, the once short demon was now ten-foot-tall with bulging muscles, and his limbs covered in a hard shell.

"This should be fun," Ren said with a grin

The demon charged at Ren, approaching him like a tank. Ren stood his ground, taking up a strong and sturdy fighting stance, carrying a smirk on his face, he knew he would enjoy this fight way more than the fight he had with the delinquents in the warehouse.


Both Ren and the demons fist collided against each other creating a small shock wave to be sent throughout the park. The fact that Rens first did not break upon impact, surprised the demon.

"You keep surprising me human"

"Here is another surprise!"

Ren torqued his body putting more power into his fist, which caused the demon to be sent flying a few hundred meters back, before crashing into the grand. The demon slowly stood up in disbelief, that a small human just sent him flying. The demon looked at his hand that collided with Rens, his eyes instantly opened to as wide as they possibly could and his mouth fell slack.

"Th-this is….I-i-impossible! There is no fucking way!!" The demon shouted in anger and confusion

The thick shell that covered the demons arm was completely shattered into millions of pieces and on top of that his arm was broken. "What did you do to my arm, you MONSTER!!"

"Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black" Ren replied with a smirk "That attack right there is called, Fist of the Black Bull"


A long dark red blade stabbed into Rens stomach


كاني™ ويست
Jul 14, 2019
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