Looking for feedback for the first fight scene on my story from chapter 27.

EnoraTwilight

My brain have wrinkles
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Never before had I felt such anger as when my parents' killers stood in front of me. My mind tried to think rationally, but it kept reverting to that day. The flames of the village, the screams of my fellow harpies, all of it played in my mind. “…I don’t want to fight either of you, so how about we make a deal?” The group that had caused me to suffer stood in front of me, and their leader wanted a deal? I already had a deal to make with this bunch.

“A deal? I have a deal to make with you already.” My body was betraying my mind that was failing to keep up rational thought. I shivered all over in a torrential rage. The rage poured into me like Melle’s own water element. The wind blowing over the clearing brought a moment of clarity to my shattered mind, but the winds of my heart were anything but calm. My winds had become raging thunder as I poured mana into my feet in an instant. I didn’t even hear the words that were spoken. I tore through the air. Immediately, becoming the winds of wrath, arriving right in front of the large brown bird with my claws outstretched. I would destroy that stupid grinning beak.

It wasn’t that easy, unfortunately. Despite all of the momentum from my take off he blocked my wing with his own.

*BOOM*

The collision of wings created an echoing boom across the grasslands, and his smirk became wider. “Juran, pleased to make your reacquaintance.” His introduction was followed by a kick aimed straight at the side of my torso. The only thing I could do was put my other wing to block, but the kick was far too heavy. The weight was too much for my wing to bear, and I felt the bones shatter as I was sent flying. “AGHHH!”

I clenched my teeth as I turned my head to relocate Juran from the air, but he was gone. “Right here, brat!”

I was in disbelief. He was faster than even my initial takeoff from finally using my element, and he was right above me, talons aimed right at my throat. Everything I had done was for nothing. I became a B-rank adventurer. I defeated so many monsters to get stronger. I fought Enora, and I lost. I learned my element just to get vengeance, and now it was my turn to join my parents.

“You won’t die on me yet, chibi.” A dark black hand grabbed the foot of death looming above me. The misty hand clenched tightly to Juran’s foot, before whipping him through the air towards the other birds standing on ceremony. The bastards retreated to the air in a confusion of squawks and feathers to avoid Juran who had become Enora’s hammer. His own Pegasus wasn’t so lucky as it was crushed beneath his weight.

Just as I heard the sound of the creature’s bones snapping, I collided into the ground. “Ugh…” The world spun round and round. My eyes became clouded from the dirt, and I could tell that at least one of my ribs had broken. My vision started to go blurry, and my head was still spinning even after I had stopped spinning. I lifted my head as much as I could from the grass that I was forced to eat. I saw Enora standing there, glaring at the enemy. The birds that were close to her in the air were unlucky. Her Shadow hands had gripped their legs, and 15 of them were caught in her web of shadow.

“That’s right…” She was stronger than me. The remaining 39 pegasi had taken off in fright back towards their home in the redwoods after witnessing the death of their own. The birds caught in Enora’s grasp were delivered from life straight into the hands of death. Death’s carrier pigeon delivered their end through the ground itself as they were slammed down.

The black hands of death returned to their master, becoming a mist that surrounded Enora’s feet. Just like those hands, my vision started to become black. Was this all of my rage and vengeance would amount to? Was this all really Nychibi? I couldn’t reach my papa. I couldn’t even overcome my tribe’s murderers. I coughed up blood, staining the greenery below in crimson.

Move. Move. “Move!” I willed my weak body into motion, forcing myself to my knees. With the ones I hated the most in this world before me, I couldn’t afford to rest. “I won’t let you!” I yelled out into the wind, willing myself to my feet.

“Nychibi! Get to the carriage!” Enora yelled back. “I won’t let you have my revenge…”

I walked forward. The motion of battle had halted, but I wouldn’t be stopped. I stumbled forward even as the metallic taste filled my mouth. “Kill her, and we’ll take the princess. Quickly!” One of the four birds in the sky with gold chainmail called out.

My rage filled determination to kill all of the Golden Wing Bandits in front of me, gave me the boost needed to use my element. The wind heeded my command to propel me from the ground towards the issuer of that heinous order. Even without a usable wing I took to the sky.

If I was going to see my parents again, then I would at least take him with me. The memory of my village in flames and my wind was enough to fuel the raging fire of my heart, and it burned stronger than the black flames of Kalameet. He didn’t react in time as my head rammed into his chest, covered in plate armor. My momma had always said that me and papa were hard headed, so now was the time to use that to my advantage.

“Uggh.” The bastard grunted, and I knew that my hard head had done the trick from the crunching sound of the bones in his chest, despite his armor. Still, my own skull rattled from the impact, and my consciousness was fading fast. “...Coming…with…me…” I managed to choke out as I filled my usable wing with sharp wind, before severing his own wing from his body. “AGGHHH!”

I knew from this height we would both die if we fell, or at the very least he would die from blood loss while Enora finished off the other bags of shit. I was out of fuel, and I plunged towards the ground fast. Water was the last thing I felt before my vision went black.
 

Anon2024

????????? (???/???)
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Sorry, I will only give feedback to envy not you.

First person fight scenes are difficult to write. The scene dragged and seemed more like a contentious argument rather than a fight

Using sentence statements like “I knew” “I did this” slows it down and you don’t have to use it in first person.

in addition you have a flashback?
Seems you’re writing an anime like story, well don’t take my comment then since I find light novels to be poor quality writing (although entertaining) despite having sales..
 
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