Looking for Feedback on a Oneshot

Bronzeapollo

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Not looking to empose on my usual beta reader, who is studying for exams; however, I'm still curious for what I did wrong.

The story is, This Story includes a Depressed Main Character.

Summary: I’m already dead, and the story hasn’t even started.

Thanks to anyone who offers feedback or even reads the story.

  1. The first scene. I don't like how it is the only paragraph that isn't through immediate eyes of the Rae/Aster. (Idea: Start it from Aster's perspective and change it to "I" and instead of "he". Problem is that wouldn't read right.)
  2. Grammar, there are multiple points of edits needing to be made for grammar. (I will be trying to fix those, but any pointed will be much appreciated.)
  3. There is no conclusion. It ends very openly and doesn't bring closure to the reader. (Reason: I didn't like any of the closers I wrote. No, I wouldn't ever make it so they date and they "cures" their depression. I believe that to be one of the biggest cop-outs to writing a story with depressed characters.)
  4. Pacing. (Idk just seemed off to me.)
  5. No thematic reason to read the story. (What is the reason to read the story? That is what I believe it to be missing.)
 
Last edited:

Scribbler

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Personally, I don't think a conclusion or theme is all too important. As long as you made the reader feel something then you did your job.

And things like pacing and grammar should come naturally as you write and read more.
 

Bronzeapollo

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I understand that overall, just feels to be missing something to me. I don't see how it can bring feeling, maybe connection but I wouldn't know. I feel if the story had any form of thematic idea the feeling possibly invoked would be stronger.
Thanks for the encouragement though :D
 

Vladarius

Tis but a scratch. Tis but a flesh wound.
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Feb 4, 2019
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I understand that overall, just feels to be missing something to me. I don't see how it can bring feeling, maybe connection but I wouldn't know. I feel if the story had any form of thematic idea the feeling possibly invoked would be stronger.
Thanks for the encouragement though :D
easy way to make someone feel something in a novel is to make the main character, or any character in general, into a person who the reader can relate to. like his dreams, his admiration toward his father, etc. if u make more tiny details and people pick up on them the more people will feel happy for mc winning or bad when he fails. =3
 
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