Before I give any of my views on your stories, I would like to clarify that I am a novice at both reading and writing, I tread over a line which barely differentiates literates and illiterates. On that line too I tend to lean more toward the latter than the former. Tsunawatari.
So, take my view with a grain of salt, though I do hope it will be useful to you in some form.
With that said, what a great beginning! I read only the first two chapters, stealing time to read them in between busy work hours. That is a testament to how much I was invested in the story since the beginning.
In the more traditional forms of writing, I have noticed that it is difficult to form a relationship with the character right off the bat. You cannot like them, hate them, admire them, or give a view on them basically until at least you have spent some time with them.
I reckon this happens because, in more traditional writing styles, one first builds the character, his background, and his in general thinking pattern before putting him in circumstances where we can predict what he is going to do.
Here, however, I have seen people throwing their characters into situations even before introducing how they think. On multiple occasions, I was taken aback by just how much my expectations were subverted by the behaviour of Mry.
Minor spoilers ahead for that story ahead, by the way, for anyone else reading.
One of the first things I learnt about Mry was that she was saving and working hard (clearing a perimeter full of herbs takes dedication) to secure enough funds for her mother's sake. This (mis)led me to think that Mry must be a noble girl with a pure character. Boy was I wrong. Often such expectations are subverted, one tends to think that this happened because the character wasn't well-written/ developed, and lacked personality. But such wasn't the case with Mry, she felt more real in fact. Perhaps making a down-to-earth relatable character with glaring flaws and living with them without degrading self is something that helps us find kinship with the character.
Though with that said, I did feel in some instances that she acted a little out of character. I won't comment anything on it yet though, still have a long way before I understand the working of Mry. I would prefer reading further before suggesting anything on that.
Moving to the actual story, I reckon that it was pretty solid. The introduction was decent and the world-building was subtle. There was the right balance between giving essential information regarding the world that the viewer requires with not questioning their intelligence at the same time. Perhaps it's just me but the amount of exposition dumped was very little in the first two chapters compared to other titles with similar settings, which makes me wonder whether it was intentional or not. Or perhaps I have been exposed to such tropes so often that I don't feel overwhelmed by such information dumps anymore.
The storytelling style is subjective, and I reckon yours is quite good. Though I personally prefer stories which are a bit more detailed in their settings. I am not saying your story lacked description, in fact, I reckon quite the opposite was true because the amount of description of stuff felt just right. But perhaps moving forward you can heed the settings a lot more. I just feel that if the story is set in another world, I should be able to
feel the world more. I really liked the description of the smugglers' hideout, at the same time, I also think it could have been a bit better and the forest a bit more elaborate. But each to their own.
I think the thing you did best was comedy. Even the character chemistry is completely comedic. I noticed the use of unorthodox storytelling methods to deliver humour, very interesting. I am quite sure Luna is completely tamable by Mry, it reminded me of how Asa tames The War Devil in CSM (If you have read the manga).
Commenting further on the world-building, I like how in the moments of the intensity you casually dropped names of perhaps important Gods, it is such a clever move as it sort of subconsciously feeds important information onto the reader's mind and has an impact on them later when these aforementioned characters are briefly mentioned.
I also really liked how you told the information necessary for the progression of the plot through a legitimate article. It enriches the world for the reader while providing both contexts of past/sociology and information.
Mt first impression, when I saw the story with all of my biases was that this must have been another story where the writer does not care about his characters and just lazily writes them to be self-insertions. I was initially going to read the first ten chapters, give a review and forget about this story. But now after reading just the first two chapters, I have realized how wrong I was, and I am sure you love and care about your characters! Only then were you be able to connect them with us so well. Now I am planning to read this through to its end slowly.
I would admit, whenever I used to see an anime pfp and a story cover with a waifu on it, and a dumb generic title, I would immediately be turned down by the prospect of another generic story written for the indulgences of fantasy creatures not meant for humans... Er...
consumption? and I was justified in my views due to my formal experiences with such stories. They rarely had a cohesive narrative or any plot to them, from a literary point of view, they were absolute debitage no man should ever experience.
Though my views since have been changed, because of people like you who clearly passionately want to tell deep stories about enriched worlds they built with care and populated with interesting characters.
Heck, there is so much of this stuff out there, the deconstruction of this genre is now a construction for tropes. Yet, rarely do I stumble upon a generic title. All titles in this genre are unique, intriguing and nutcase-y.
Overall, I reckon the characters being a little more realistic, sticking to their mindsets, and a description more elaborate would do good for your story.
Though I like a fast-paced story just as much as the next guy, adding a few more details can help it feel less rushed. But still, a banger story.
I don't reckon a feedback is a one-off wall of words telling a few aspects of the story. I believe aspects of stories are much wider than the story itself, for any good story at least. Hence, feedback is useful in a true sense only if there is a conversation.
I can't gauge many aspects of stories and the factors affecting them simply because I am unaware of what your purpose in writing this story is. Therefore, I ask you to elaborate on it. Looking forward to a conversation with you :)
P.S. Forgive me if anything felt offensive, I don't mean to be. I wrote this in instalments, perhaps some parts may be a bit incoherent, sorry for that.
@Civilian @RainHarlow @TheMonotonePuppet @Assurbanipal_II I have seen your stories too, thank you for such excellent recommendations. I think they all look very diverse and different from my normal reading routine.
I will read and review them in the upcoming days too. Thank you.
Wow, posts merge?
Yep. You even get a notification.
