Lord of Dun-welt
- Thread starter Steviason
- Start date
AMissingLinguist
Missing member
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2019
- Messages
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- 73
"Drago a creator from a house since exiled from its homeland" There should be a comma after Drago and after homeland.
"[...]sets out to create a new home. As well as to achieve what he views as near perfection." Change period after home to comma, and change "As" to as.
"[...]differ on opinion." It should be "differ in opinion", but maybe I'm just used to a different style of writing.
"Particularly about the future of the house." is not a complete sentence. Either combine it with the previous sentence, or make add something to it to turn it into a complete sentence.
"Drago's project or his uncle's will?" Add comma after project to change the mood of the text. Also, put this question on a new line. Putting the question on a new line is a stylistic choice. https://literarydevices.net/mood/
First chapter edits:
Don't use a semi-colon in the first sentence. Only use it for when two independent clauses are very closely related. The second sentence has a lot more to do with just yawning. Don't use semi-colon after "necks" in the first paragraph.
https://writing.wisc.edu/handbook/grammarpunct/semicolons/
"Where as" should be "Whereas". "Where as the one on the left had dark grey hair[...]" Don't start sentences with conjunctions.
"As the man sat up he could hear a loud *knock* on the door." Add comma after "up". Remove asterisks from "knock". Knock is not a onomatopoeia. Something like *thump thump thump* would work.
Feedback: There is no spelling mistakes from what I saw. There is improper use of semi-colons and missing commas. I suggest switching to using quotation marks if you want your story to have proper dialogue, according to standard English. I have to go to class, so I'll stop here. Good luck on writing!
"[...]sets out to create a new home. As well as to achieve what he views as near perfection." Change period after home to comma, and change "As" to as.
"[...]differ on opinion." It should be "differ in opinion", but maybe I'm just used to a different style of writing.
"Particularly about the future of the house." is not a complete sentence. Either combine it with the previous sentence, or make add something to it to turn it into a complete sentence.
"Drago's project or his uncle's will?" Add comma after project to change the mood of the text. Also, put this question on a new line. Putting the question on a new line is a stylistic choice. https://literarydevices.net/mood/
First chapter edits:
Don't use a semi-colon in the first sentence. Only use it for when two independent clauses are very closely related. The second sentence has a lot more to do with just yawning. Don't use semi-colon after "necks" in the first paragraph.
https://writing.wisc.edu/handbook/grammarpunct/semicolons/
"Where as" should be "Whereas". "Where as the one on the left had dark grey hair[...]" Don't start sentences with conjunctions.
"As the man sat up he could hear a loud *knock* on the door." Add comma after "up". Remove asterisks from "knock". Knock is not a onomatopoeia. Something like *thump thump thump* would work.
Feedback: There is no spelling mistakes from what I saw. There is improper use of semi-colons and missing commas. I suggest switching to using quotation marks if you want your story to have proper dialogue, according to standard English. I have to go to class, so I'll stop here. Good luck on writing!
The " Drago: ....etcetera" was done as a stylistic choice on my part.
Should I not do it? I know it gives a more scriptty feel to it.
AMissingLinguist
Missing member
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2019
- Messages
- 58
- Points
- 73
I do see what you mean when you say it feels more script-like, but I feel that this style takes away from reading the story as a novel and instead turns it into a play. If a lot of readers enjoy it, then I don't see why not.