Many people don't know me, I don't know you too, so how about we interact ourselves while reviewing?

LazySeven

Active member
Joined
Jun 19, 2021
Messages
3
Points
43
Nice to meet you! This humble one is called Lazy Seven, you can call me Lazy. Honestly, that nickname represents my true feelings. And I'm not embarrassed at all, haha. I'm a wuxia, xianxia, and xuanhuan novel lover, this is one of the reason, why I become quite lazy.

I've been at SH a few months ago, but haven't had time to visit here. Only look around once... (*/∇\*)

I have created my first novel a few months ago. At that time I made it with gardener's mindset, therefore, I had wasted the first few chapters, and then I was stuck. But now I try to change it to architect's mindset. Hope it works~

Broadly speaking, the novel tells about 7 MCs. Several MCs have appeared in the chapters that have been posted, the first main character, a young writer, meets a ghost-like existence that keeps following her. Then before long she gets involved in dangerous adventures that she often does together with her best friend, the second MC, who for no reason is always involved in the activities of an illegal club.

Here is The Title : The Inside of The Book [Aah, I've dropped it for a while... I want to remake it later]
My new series, you can see it from my signature.
I hope to post at least 3 or 4 chapters a week.

All critiques and suggestions are welcome.
Thankyou~ ヾ(〃^∇^)ノ♪
 
Last edited:

ElijahRyne

A Hermit that is NOT that Lazy…
Joined
Aug 12, 2021
Messages
1,011
Points
153
Nice to meet you! This humble one is called Lazy Seven, you can call me Lazy. Honestly, that nickname represents my true feelings. And I'm not embarrassed at all, haha. I'm a wuxia, xianxia, and xuanhuan novel lover, this is one of the reason, why I become quite lazy.

I've been at SH a few months ago, but haven't had time to visit here. Only look around once... (*/∇\*)

I have created my first novel a few months ago. At that time I made it with gardener's mindset, therefore, I had wasted the first few chapters, and then I was stuck. But now I try to change it to architect's mindset. Hope it works~

Broadly speaking, the novel tells about 7 MCs. Several MCs have appeared in the chapters that have been posted, the first main character, a young writer, meets a ghost-like existence that keeps following her. Then before long she gets involved in dangerous adventures that she often does together with her best friend, the second MC, who for no reason is always involved in the activities of an illegal club.

Here is The Title : The Inside of The Book
I hope to post at least 3 or 4 chapters a week.

All critiques and suggestions are welcome.
Thankyou~ ヾ(〃^∇^)ノ♪
I got 3 chapters in, and was having difficulty following along. You see, I tend to listen to most things I read, so this issue more obvious than if I were to be solely reading it. Both your grammar, but mostly your syntax need work. (Syntax is word order. The dog runs. Compared to: Runs the dog.) I know English is not your first language, so this will be more difficult to fix, but it can be done!

Here are a few resources.
1. Copy and paste your chapters into a text to speech bot and listen back to it. You will find places to improve.
2. I recommend using a grammar checker. Your grammar is better than your syntax, so you can not click ‘fix all errors’ and expect it to be perfect. This is what happens if you do so.
‘Blur...’

I can only half open my eyes...



.... Oh no



To be precise, I couldn't move my eyelids at all. I woke up after falling asleep with my eyes half open. I can't close it, nor open it.

"... huuh.." I sighed softly.

Just a little movement of my breath, I feel it. My head hurts. My throat hurts. My whole body hurts. Like a broken machine. The only pain I can feel is the

The first glimpse that I can see when I wake up is the sunrise.



‘Oh... Red...’



"Red. Everything is red. Or... only my eyes were covered in red?

I try to focus my eyes. My head hurts but it doesn't matter. I need to know, why is it red?

Sometime after getting used to the pain. My vision became clearer.



Ah, the red... Blood... A pool of blood...



I was silent for a moment. My head still feels sore and heavy. But I still try to remember.



‘... my blood..?’



Memories... What do I remember?

When I try to concentrate my thoughts, various kinds of pictures appear in my head.

My face keeps changing, expressing what I have remembered so far. Nervousness, joy, happiness, relief, disappointment, anger, sadness, and various kinds of emotions were released freely in my mind.

Until finally, I stopped at the point where I felt helpless and gave up.

‘Oh... Right... I remember... I'm going to die.’

I thought to myself. It is unfortunate. That's the feeling I feel right now.

I tried to move my head, which was bent towards the floor, towards the sky. Leaning the whole body against the wall. Find a comfortable sitting position. While moving, there was a sound of chain scraping. I see. My hands suspend in the air, tied with chains. But I don't care, I'm used to it.



This place is very dark.



The only thing that could give me light was the moonlight coming through the transparent roof. Looking into that distant sky, I felt like a frog at the bottom of a well. Quiet in silence. Looking at the moon, it seems close to me.

'....'

I was quietly and calmly looking at the sky, looking in awe of the little stars above, watching the full moon surrounded by those clusters of stars.



'Gold...'

I thought I saw the color.



"... Beautiful... "

The last view I can comment on.



'Karina ... Sorry ...'

My remaining regrets.



'... Raka... I hope you don't follow me... '

My little request that I can't convey.

'Goodbye...'

A farewell that only I can hear and no one replies to.



My breath is getting smaller until finally, I can't exhale any more.

I ended my life with relief mixed with regret. Without being able to close my eyelids and leave them open enjoying the beauty of the night from the sky beyond the roof.



....



At the same time, after he stopped breathing, One of the seven stars that were shining brighter than the others fell from its position.



....



A temple in the middle of the mountains.

"One star has fallen ... In the end, it's still happening. "

You can see the shadow of a girl from behind sitting on the edge of the temple turning towards the full moon.

"The turning point ... Oh, why are you so stubborn? Haah. " Sigh softly with a hint of regret.



....



In a narrow alley in the middle of the city.

"Boss ... Everything is settled, we can return much earlier than expected. "

A man said, "It's just that the "boss" [whom he was called] didn't answer." Behind him were several people holding another man who looked battered.



"Boss?" I asked the man again with a tone of caution.



"Tsk!" That was the only answer. The man and the other comrades turned their gaze towards their boss.

"Did something happen, boss?" I asked another man wearing glasses.



The boss still didn't answer, silently directed his sight towards the sky where the moon was surrounded by stars.

Inside he grumbled, 'Damn it! What's with this anxiety?! '



After being silent for a long time, he moved, "We're back to the base!"



"Yes sir!" answered all his men in unison.



....



In some mountains, in a hidden valley.



"...."



You can see a shadow of a man standing still in an upright posture. Staring at the moon with a gaze filled with seriousness. From behind him came the sound of footsteps leading to his position.

"You've been standing in that position for more than 2 hours. How long are you going to stand there, hmm? Captain?" asked the newcomer.

The man called 'captain' remained silent and did not answer him. Meanwhile, the newcomer stood upright beside him, putting his hands into his trouser pockets. Follow his captain to enjoy the moon in the sky surrounded by tiny stars.



After not answering for a long time, he finally opened his voice, "Robby ..."



The newcomer who was being called by his name turned his gaze towards the captain.

"For the plan, there will be a little change ... And I hope you can improvise it according to your own opinion. If anything happens to me..." He paused and then continued, "You will replace me."

A flash of light crossed Robby's eyes. Without thinking, he straightened his body, then raised his right hand and saluted, "Yes sir!"

Robby took the orders he had been given with utmost seriousness.



....



In a dark room. On the bed, there was a girl who was sleeping peacefully. Suddenly, her left eye opened halfway, revealing a glowing light with a golden yellow pupil.

In her sleep, she mumbled incoherently, "... One... Star has... Fallen... Point... Turn..."

After saying those few words, her left eye lost its light and returned to its normal black eye without the slightest oddity. Then closed her eyes and resumed her deep sleep.



....



Red, yellow, blue, purple, orange, indigo, white, and various other colors enveloped the entire flower garden. In the middle, there was a girl dancing cheerfully while talking even though no one was there.

"Hmm? Oh... Wow wow, what is this? My little darling, why are you restless?Something interesting? A shooting star? Fufu I hope it doesn't disappoint me... OK, let's sing again! "

"Seven parts meet... Following an invisible thread... hum hum...-"



....



"Space…" There was a deep and majestic voice resounding throughout the room engulfed by darkness. No one knows where the voice came from.

"Continue to the next mission... If you can complete it as well as before. I will help you avenge your brother." Continue the sound.

A moment later, another voice said, "... I understand."

"Go." That heavy-voiced command

"Yes!" Reply



Swoosh!



A gust of wind passed.



The room was quiet and calm again. The owner of the deep voice remained in the room without the slightest ray of light.

"I've got one... After three failures, this is just the beginning."
Instead, you need to carefully go through where it suggests a change, and see if you can find a way to change it. Sometimes you will be correct, and it will be wrong. I recommend Quillbot and grammarcheck.net.
3. If you post two chapters at the same time. The first gets let’s say 80 views, and the second 30, there is something big going wrong in the first chapter.
4. If everything else fails, find and/or hire an editor. This is a last resort, your goal is to be good enough to be able to edit by yourself. But, until then you might need an editor.

Let’s go step by step through a few examples from Page 0!

—————
Just a little movement of my breath, I feel it. My head hurts. My throat hurts. My whole body hurts. Like a broken machine. (This is good) Only pain I can feel. (This sentence is in the wrong order. It should be: ‘I can only feel pain.’ Or ‘The only thing I feel is pain.)

The first glimpse that I can see for the first time when I wake up.
(You also use first 2 times to describe the same thing. Let us cut 1 of those descriptions. ‘The first glimpse I can see when I wake up.’ Keeping this ‘first’ makes the sentence feel awkward. ‘The I can see first when I wake up.’ Oh, this is better, but first needs to come after the, and you need to describe what is seen. ‘“Oh…Red…”’It is the first thing I see when I wake up.’ Good, this makes sense!)
(‘The first glimpse…’ makes more sense if it goes after ‘Oh….Red…’)

Oh... Red...’


Red. Everything is red. Or... Only my eyes were covered in red? (This sentence feels kin of funky. I don’t think it works in this context. Suggestion: ‘Or… Maybe my eyes were covered by something red?’)


—————
I did this, without any annotations, gor a little more of the chapter.


‘Blur...’

I can only half-open my eyes...



.... Oh no



To be precise, I couldn't move my eyelids at all. I woke up after falling asleep with my eyes half-open. I can't close it, nor open it.

"... huuh .." I sighed softly.

Just a little movement of my breath, I feel it. My head hurts. My throat hurts. My whole body hurts. Like a broken machine. I can only feel pain.





‘Oh... Red...’

It is the first glimpse that I see when I woke up.



Red. Everything I see is red. Or... maybe my eyes were covered by something red?

I try to focus my eyes, even if my head hurts. I must know why red?

I grew used to the pain. My vision became clearer.



Ah, red.... Blood... A pool of blood...



....My head still feels sore and heavy. I try to remember.



‘... my blood..?’



Memories... What do I remember?

When I try to concentrate my thoughts, various pictures appeared in my head.

My face kept changing to express what I remember. Nervousness, joy, happiness, relief, disappointment, anger, sadness, and various other emotions were released freely in my mind.

Until finally I stopped. I felt helpless. I gave up.

‘Oh... Right... I remember... I'm going to die.’

I thought to myself. It is unfortunate. That's the feeling I feel right now.

I tried to move my head, which was bent on the floor, towards the sky. Leaning the whole of my body against the wall. I found a comfortable sitting position. While moving, I heard a sound. It was chains scraping aginst eachother. I see my hands suspend in the air, bound with chains. I don't care, I'm used to it.
 

LazySeven

Active member
Joined
Jun 19, 2021
Messages
3
Points
43
I got 3 chapters in, and was having difficulty following along. You see, I tend to listen to most things I read, so this issue more obvious than if I were to be solely reading it. Both your grammar, but mostly your syntax need work. (Syntax is word order. The dog runs. Compared to: Runs the dog.) I know English is not your first language, so this will be more difficult to fix, but it can be done!
Aah, thank you very much for your critiques, I'll fix it and try to practice more my syntax.
Also thanks to your suggestions, You really helped me~\(*T▽T*)/
 
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