Minacia's First Chapter Feedback

EternalSunset0

Well-known member
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Nov 7, 2020
Messages
187
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63
Hmm, I feel like it's hard for me to give any specific advice! I think your technical ability as a writer is probably better than mine, so likewise I don't have a lot of helpful things to say. Either way is probably fine.

I mean, personally, I have a weaker attention span and sometimes don't get through the entirety of someone's chapter one if it's too dense. I think it's different with physical novels (hardcopy light novels tend to have longer chapters than webnovels), but I think there may be a difference in the way that people approach novels online and offline. In the online world of webnovels, it's probably ideal to capture the reader's attention in their first sitting... because if they walk away, they might not come back. Faster-paced novels arguably do better online too.

That said I don't think you have any pacing issue. The pacing of your writing is good.

I think for (low-attention-span) me, the issue was that I started getting bored, I guess.

The premise didn't quite grab me, and the characters/dynamic didn't seem interesting enough to make up for it.

Like if I think about anime/stories that I like, Made in Abyss, Re:Zero, Bunny Girl Senpai, Grimgar, I think they definitely hooked me for having a really unique and intriguing premise. For anime/novels that weren't like that (Oregairu, Sakurasou, Chuunibyou), the characters were essential for making the story special, and a lot of people found the themes very relatable in Oregairu.

I think with your story we maybe floated past too many characters without really feeling invested in any particular one.

Now that I think about it, a lot of anime use some kind of gimmick to make their heroine stand out like a sore thumb. If the protagonist is dull, the the heroine needs to sparkle. Bunny Girl Senpai literally has the heroine walk around in a bunny suit after all..... Senjougahara uses a stapler on the protagonist's mouth.....

In contrast, the transfer student scenario feels kind of dull? Maybe a little good with self-defense? But up to where I read, that was it.
Thanks for the pointers. Yeah, I based my writing style on physical novels. I do have a hard copy of Mahouka and Black Bullet volumes by my side when writing some chapters and comparing my prose. Oh, and The Isolator.

Will be looking at the characters when I do a bit of rework once everything's done. I think that's the route I prefer to go to with my story over the big hook one.

Just to add a bit more flair to the characters like you said. I did realize that I lacked a "gimmick" for the characters. Well, the Mc's an otaku and pretty self-conscious of the genre he's in but that's barely unique nowadays haha. As for the heroine, she does have her quirks but looking at it, we do get to know her more. She gets some more personality a chapter or two after where you stopped but that's a bit too late it seems.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93
The link to mine is in my signature as well, I hope it's up to your expectations:blob_pout:
Reactions as I read:
  • For some reason I expected BL XD I do like forced marriages though~ :blob_aww:
  • Chapter 1
    • Technically the first sentence is a fragment, immediately after you warn about grammatical mistakes XD
    • Ah... it would be nice if you could get an editor, I think. There are grammar issues everywhere.
    • You have nice word choice and vocabulary though
    • I like this first scene though.
    • O.O woahhhh! that was a surprise with the sudden fight scene. Definitely din't expect it, but it's good!
    • Oh wow that last line! I didn't expect it! It was a nice twist
  • Chapter 2
    • "Dull relationship" huh... I wonder...
    • Lol "ciggies"
    • A very affectionate family. Somehow I have this tingling feeling that something bad is going to happen.
    • Ahh... idk how I feel about the POV switch. It sort of breaks immersion
    • I think my impression so far is that you have pretty nice flow/pacing. I like the length of your paragraphs and how things move at a comfortable pace. There were a lot of characters introduced in this chapter, but it didn't feel too bad because the story is fairly light so far and a crowded atmosphere contributes to the "home-y" mood of this chapter.
  • Chapter 3
    • Don't have earphones so skipping the song
    • Wow a very cliche promise... I feeling nisekoi vibes!
    • "They're just plumpy!" lol
    • I do wonder why the protagonist was working in the flower shop. It didn't feel like she enjoyed it that much in the first chapter.
    • "The moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?" TSUKI GA KIREI!!!!!!!!!
    • Huhhh just like Alphonse? I wonder what Adrian is like with the brother, lol >w<
  • Chapter 4
    • I think I don't really like the POV switches that much
    • I'm sorry about the macaroons.... omg... this scene should be so much more serious but I can't read it seriously
    • I haven't figured out exactly what they want
    • Ah, so the sister... but why would they want the sister?
  • Chapter 5
    • I'm flying through these chapters. Really turning the pages!
    • I still have figured out why Lenna is so important
  • Chapter 6
    • Huh, I find it odd that they want her to get changed.
  • Chapter 7-10: No comment
  • Chapter 11-12:
    • The plot is revealed!
    • The gears in my head are still turning...
    • I feel like everyone in Lenna's family is so emotional/irrational

I stopped here.

Good job! Very gripping story and I found myself turning pages much more than I expected. There were a bunch of chapters that I didn't write down comments because I just wanted to read ahead. The story is very engaging, filled with action, and all sorts of various interesting aspects. The early chapters are also fun and enjoyable.

I have two main criticisms:

A. Grammar! Find an editor! The story would be so much better! In the early story, I really struggled with the grammar until I kind of glazed out with my eyes and eventually got used to it. Basically, I figured out that if I read quickly (almost skimming), it's almost bearable.

B. The POV changes are somewhat awkward and unusual. I'm not really that thrilled by them, since sometimes you also go from the POV of one character at the scene to another in the same scene. Personally, I feel like the story could still be very good if you stuck with Lenna's POV and maybe stuck the other POVs in side stories (which I've seen some authors do). I also feel like there are a lot of flashbacks, which also has its own risks.

Other main aspects was that I found myself wondering if this kind of plot development would be realistic with actual mafia families (such a complicated plot to get a marriage? Somehow I feel like there are easier ways to obtain the material things without necessarily relying on a semi-fickle marriage signed under duress), but then again maybe I shouldn't think too much about it.

Overall, your story was really good!

I'm not sure if I will continue (I think the main reason I'm considering not is because I'm almost semi-skimming due to the grammar), but it's a really engaging story and I definitely turned through a lot of pages.
 

Leti

Joined
Jun 17, 2020
Messages
409
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93
I saw @TheTrinary's thread and thought it was cool so I'm copying them! You should visit their thread as well if you haven't already!

How This Works:

Post a link to your story and I'll (try) to read until I don't feel like reading anymore.

If I'm unable to get through the first chapter, I'll tell you where I stopped and why.

There are no genre restrictions (anything goes), but like most people I have preferences. My favorite genres tend to involve fantasy, josei, villainesses, shapeshifters, and psychological. I will still read a diverse range of subjects (smut, BL, harem, yuri, GB, crazy weird stuff), although I tend to drop things quickly if they don't catch my attention/are too dense. It is difficult for me to read things that have poor spelling/grammar. I'm especially partial to interesting stories that have strong underlying themes.

First come first serve!

I'm often fairly busy so it may take a while before I get back to people!
Yuzu-chan, I know you're busy with the translations but can you please tell me why you stopped reading at chapter 1? I need to know, for science! Don't tell me you don't know other chapters exists :ROFLMAO:
 

OkuraTsukiko

[Peace was never an option]
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
228
Points
93
Reactions as I read:
  • For some reason I expected BL XD I do like forced marriages though~ :blob_aww:
  • Chapter 1
    • Technically the first sentence is a fragment, immediately after you warn about grammatical mistakes XD
    • Ah... it would be nice if you could get an editor, I think. There are grammar issues everywhere.
    • You have nice word choice and vocabulary though
    • I like this first scene though.
    • O.O woahhhh! that was a surprise with the sudden fight scene. Definitely din't expect it, but it's good!
    • Oh wow that last line! I didn't expect it! It was a nice twist
  • Chapter 2
    • "Dull relationship" huh... I wonder...
    • Lol "ciggies"
    • A very affectionate family. Somehow I have this tingling feeling that something bad is going to happen.
    • Ahh... idk how I feel about the POV switch. It sort of breaks immersion
    • I think my impression so far is that you have pretty nice flow/pacing. I like the length of your paragraphs and how things move at a comfortable pace. There were a lot of characters introduced in this chapter, but it didn't feel too bad because the story is fairly light so far and a crowded atmosphere contributes to the "home-y" mood of this chapter.
  • Chapter 3
    • Don't have earphones so skipping the song
    • Wow a very cliche promise... I feeling nisekoi vibes!
    • "They're just plumpy!" lol
    • I do wonder why the protagonist was working in the flower shop. It didn't feel like she enjoyed it that much in the first chapter.
    • "The moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?" TSUKI GA KIREI!!!!!!!!!
    • Huhhh just like Alphonse? I wonder what Adrian is like with the brother, lol >w<
  • Chapter 4
    • I think I don't really like the POV switches that much
    • I'm sorry about the macaroons.... omg... this scene should be so much more serious but I can't read it seriously
    • I haven't figured out exactly what they want
    • Ah, so the sister... but why would they want the sister?
  • Chapter 5
    • I'm flying through these chapters. Really turning the pages!
    • I still have figured out why Lenna is so important
  • Chapter 6
    • Huh, I find it odd that they want her to get changed.
  • Chapter 7-10: No comment
  • Chapter 11-12:
    • The plot is revealed!
    • The gears in my head are still turning...
    • I feel like everyone in Lenna's family is so emotional/irrational

I stopped here.

Good job! Very gripping story and I found myself turning pages much more than I expected. There were a bunch of chapters that I didn't write down comments because I just wanted to read ahead. The story is very engaging, filled with action, and all sorts of various interesting aspects. The early chapters are also fun and enjoyable.

I have two main criticisms:

A. Grammar! Find an editor! The story would be so much better! In the early story, I really struggled with the grammar until I kind of glazed out with my eyes and eventually got used to it. Basically, I figured out that if I read quickly (almost skimming), it's almost bearable.

B. The POV changes are somewhat awkward and unusual. I'm not really that thrilled by them, since sometimes you also go from the POV of one character at the scene to another in the same scene. Personally, I feel like the story could still be very good if you stuck with Lenna's POV and maybe stuck the other POVs in side stories (which I've seen some authors do). I also feel like there are a lot of flashbacks, which also has its own risks.

Other main aspects was that I found myself wondering if this kind of plot development would be realistic with actual mafia families (such a complicated plot to get a marriage? Somehow I feel like there are easier ways to obtain the material things without necessarily relying on a semi-fickle marriage signed under duress), but then again maybe I shouldn't think too much about it.

Overall, your story was really good!

I'm not sure if I will continue (I think the main reason I'm considering not is because I'm almost semi-skimming due to the grammar), but it's a really engaging story and I definitely turned through a lot of pages.
Thank you very much @minacia :blob_melt: :blob_melt:

dying of laughter and cringe when I got back to reread chapter 4 about the macaroons


Btw if you wanna know how Alphonse and Adrian are with each other you can check their conversations after chapter 14
 
Last edited:

High-in-the-skys

Awkward member
Joined
Jan 2, 2021
Messages
60
Points
33
Today I kinda feel like being whipped by your tongue~ ♡
(Ok i'm just kidding but please check out my story in my signature. Chapters are around 500 words so it's short (suffering) .)
(I wanna know how infernal my novel is)
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93

Story doesn't really kick in until chapter 2. My chapter one is mostly an introductory into bits and pieces of the MC's personality. But eh
why not.
Reactions as I read:
  • Synopsis: Wonder what's up with the last sentence. Otherwise, synopsis seems fine although might not be something that I would typically read
  • Chapter 1:
    • I like how you set up the atmosphere with the dead radio
    • Very angsty start to a story, may not appeal to everyone
    • Writing style is good and I like it
    • Unicorn yay~ You get a click to the next chapter because of the unicorn
  • Chapter 2:
    • A little bit of confusion about what's happening
    • Fairly action-packed and reads smoothly
    • Graphic in the good way
    • I think my impression so far is that your technical writing ability is very solid and it's a well-written action novel. I think the part that dampers my interest is that it feels purposeless, kind of like random violence/fighting without a narrative purpose. I realize that alien(?) monsters have invaded, but I think it's natural for people to seek meaning in catastrophe, and the lack of any meaning (why did the monsters attack? was it just random?) is somewhat depressing. To use an analogy, a story about a random person being hit by a lightening/tornado for no reason is relatively boring unless it ties into an overarching narrative/theme. I realize that there's a genre of zombie-attack survival games, but you could argue that the focus of those games is to shoot zombies rather than the story... but maybe that's just my personal preference.
  • Chapter 3:
    • I like your usage of telegraphic sentences interspersed through longer paragraphs.
    • A little bit confused about what happened
    • I wonder why the alien saved Nath from dying
    • Huh... I remain equally confused as Nath during that explanation
    • Wonder what Nath possesses in terms of "something"
    • I think I'm just a little bit lost about why the Interface does the things that it does. It kind of feels like Deus Ex Machina except in terms of generating a conflict. For instance, what's the main problem of this story? The all-powerful god entity created a problem. The issue with this (and other forms of Deus Ex Machina) is that the scope is poorly defined, and it feels a little less compelling when the antagonist can pull anything out of a hat at any moment.
  • Chapter 4:
    • Here comes the LitRPG element~
    • I sort of skimmed through the class descriptions
    • I also sort of skimmed through the game explanation for stats and things
    • I get the impression that maybe this story would be better suited for a game than a novel. The action and fight scenes are great, and if anything they feel like they might even be the main focus. I felt myself wanting to skip through the cutscenes and dialogue though (like you know games where you want to mash through the dialogue?), and it doesn't feel like there isn't that much of a plot aside to provide an excuse to throw enemies at the player.
I stopped reading here.

I think overall, I think your technical writing ability is great, and I thought your action/fight scenes were awesome. I really enjoyed reading the graphic combat and thought you executed it very well.

My main issues with the story were mentioned above: I felt like the conflict/violence was purposeless, and it felt a little more like a shooter game with a minor plot added to the campaign mode.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93
LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOO

View attachment 5893

A wolf kicks the shit out of someone and then fast forwards to get the shit kicked out of him instead, through the power of SOCIETY.


Good shit, do be harsh on me.
:blob_happy: looking forward to this. I always meant to peak at your novel but never got to it.

Reactions as I read:
  • Synopsis: Great! (hurrary for psychological tag). Also why is it rated so low?
  • Chapter 1:
    • Beautiful bam! Thank you for the first sentence punch.
    • And then I realize the chapter is really long XD Do I have enough time to read this? I kind of want to get an idea of the plot at a reasonable (relatively quick) pace, so I'll read on...
    • I kind of wish the dialogue stood out more, because it's important. It's easy to get lost in all the description, and there's some initial confusion about exactly what's happening. I almost wish that some things were bolded to make it really stand out, but this is a bad suggestion so please don't take it.
    • Wonder what happened with the scene change. This is a school???
    • I like the thematic developments
    • I also like this questioning scene. Those are fabulous questions.
    • Furdresser XD
    • Ahh, the fighting question.
    • I feel like Shiro got on his knees when asked to beg a little too easily. I wonder if there's some kind of special meaning to this.
    • This is really beautiful. I really enjoyed this chapter, and I thought you had a lot of incredible genius content here (no joke), although I felt like the delivery fell short somehow. The first couple of paragraphs didn't quite hook, and I didn't feel hooked until I got to the interrogation bits in the middle of the chapter. The structure of the scene change in the middle adds to the reader's confusion, which is a little risky in the beginning of a story when the reader isn't sure whether they want to stay. It wasn't an easy read (it doesn't "flow" effortlessly like the lighter stories). I think my suggestions would probably be to cut some content or revise the sections with the bear, maybe to get it a little tighter with the overarching theme (the carnivore aspects), but who am I to say? You're making art here.
  • Chapter 2
    • Oh you don't have to tell me all those things in the announcement! You're like spoiling your own work! XD Let your work speak for itself, and those themes will be beautiful when they come out.
    • The sudden grabbing and corridor scene is quite abstract. It's a lot like a dream, and seems unfocused to some extent. I think my initial reaction is to say that an author has artistic/thematic capital. Spend it carefully on things that contribute to the themes of your story, and you also want sections of story that read more fluidly and easily. If the entirety of your story is an abstract blob, it diminishes the readability and negatively impacts primary themes that you're trying to convey.
    • I really enjoy the dialogue in your story.
    • This is a very long text wall describe Sir's backstory
    • Lol. Secretary's comment about the staring was great, and demonstrates an excellent use of negative space. Sometimes, omitting something can be better than explicitly describing it, and it is a powerful tool.
    • I started skimming through Sir's backstory
    • I'm not sure why the Secretary is so nice when the students are so eager to haze.
    • Really like the hesitation with revealing Shiro's backstory
    • It was an interesting trip but feels a little meaningless. Is there a reason to have him trip here?
  • Chapter 3
    • I'm kind of amazed you don't have that many hearts on your chapters
    • Nice characterization of the President
    • I like how you're revisiting the limo ride here
    • "But why tell me all this in the first place"
    • I'm kind of amused by the repeated swings back to sexuality, but I like it
    • This was really cool, although I wonder if it was necessary to reveal the things here
Stopping here at chapter 3. This type of story does land in my boat, albeit it's not really a casual read.

Will probably revisit this later and maybe re-read some chapters as well.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93
LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOO

View attachment 5893

A wolf kicks the shit out of someone and then fast forwards to get the shit kicked out of him instead, through the power of SOCIETY.


Good shit, do be harsh on me.
More comments on chapter 1 (ended up re-reading):
  • I feel like you use strange word choice in several instances that makes things unnecessarily confusing. Using more precise language would help clarify what you mean and make it easier for the reader. For instance:
    • Paragraph 2: "Strand" is used to describe a speck of dust, which makes this paragraph confusing.
    • Paragraph 5: "Standing" and "broken" are sort of in opposition with each other
    • Paragraph 6: "Liquid breaths" is strange word choice; "seared" wounds,
  • The description in between the dialogue reduces the impact of the dialogue. I feel like it would be better to keep the lines starting from "that hurt" closer together with the other dialogue to help it stand out more. The dialogue here is critical for establishing the themes that you are going for.
  • This opening scene is interesting because we don't know why they're fighting, who's at fault, and various other details. In fact, it reads precisely like a prologue, so I wonder if it would be fine to just have this section placed as a standalone prologue chapter.
  • The transition to the auditorium is confusing because it makes it seem like the auditorium scene occurs immediately after the warehouse scene. This adds to a sense of confusion (which is fine), but the reader starts this section with a misunderstanding, which is exacerbated when Shiro mentions that he is in school (where the heck was that mentioned?? this setting does not seem like a school). The urgency from the introduction section has already disappeared, which poses a stark mismatch.
  • The "who do you work for" question makes it sound like Shiro is in trouble and in a traditional interrogation setting.
  • I'm a little confused by who says what in the last section
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93
Alright, here we go. Fire away at the story on my banner.

Hope I won't regret this. 😫
Impressions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • Really long, probably a little bit too much of a summary
    • Has flags about what kind of story this will probably be. Pardon my language, but lines drawing attention to "no women want to be near him" (etc) makes it seem like an incel protagonist.
    • I don't know if it's necessary to spoil your own story in the synopsis
  • Chapter 1
    • I just watched Mushoku Tensei ep 1 and the beginning is almost identical............................
    • The protagonist seems whiney. I feel like there are may other ways to capture depression and other aspects without necessarily going through the whole laundry list of tropes mentioned. There are many people with depression, and it would be nice if there was a story that captured that psychology more realistically in the opening.
    • Oh... that was a very dull and anticlimatic drowning scene. I was expecting to see it played out more.
    • Marina's POV is... a little bit cringy I guess xD
  • Chapter 2
    • Hmm... I think I'm a little bit tired of the magic prodigy plotline, I guess, moreso because I think of the Earth equivalent (like music prodigies who started violin at age 5), and it's usually not all sunshine and fun as you might expect.
    • Huh? That's nepotism?
    • Oh no! Marina's POV again... >.<
I'm stopping here because I haven't read Mushoku Tensei yet and I sort of intend to read it (I just watched the anime), and it's a little bit too obvious that your story is a derivative......... :blob_no:

Marina's POV is really cringe-y for me to read, and she's very poorly/unrealistically written. I incidentally also have a younger brother (he's adorable and I love him lots), but certain things are just so much cringe cringe cringe. Um, like this...

Aaw, he's blushing! How cute!

I couldn't resist! I had to hug him!

"Here." I wrapped my arms around his head, gently burying his face on my chest. "Your reward."

I could sense him struggling to free himself! He's really one shy boy, wasn't he?

:blob_joy: I don't really know what to say!

Otherwise your story is fluid and it's a casual read with no major flow issues. A lot of time skips and summarization, which is kind of whatever meh.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93

Nyunyu~ I want honest feedback please. Still chapter 1. I just want to know about my writing in people's eyes :shypeek:
Hiyo! I don't think we've talked before, and welcome to ScribbleHub if you're new!

Reactions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • "Costs as much as many golds" -- grammar?
    • It would be good to fix the grammar and tenses.
    • I do like beastkin so let's see how this goes!
  • Chapter 1
    • First sentence/paragraph grammar issues!
    • What is a Magicef?
    • Tiger and Rabbit seems like a nice ship
    • I'm surprised that people care about their age before they're... 30 years old or so... like even if peoples' early 20s, at least in my experience people usually aren't that sensitive about it.
I didn't have too many comments for the rest of the chapter. It's hard for me to say that much since the story hasn't really picked up that much yet.

I like your setting. It's creative and it's an interesting world. I also really like beastkin, so I'm naturally curious about how things might turn out.

The premise for the overall story seems a little bit un-exciting (going on an adventure to collect ingredients for magical cake), but maybe it's okay if it's meant to be a light-hearted story focused on other aspects. The characters personalities don't really seem that interesting to me right now.

The writing is pretty good for a first novel.

I had major issues with the grammar and it would be good if you found an editor.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93
I really did forget! I think at the time you posted it, there was only one or two chapters, and then I floated off during the holidays and forgot about it. Also, I forgot about your story so I'll have to read it again :blob_no:

Also, how did you know I was translating?! Did I say that somewhere? I did start translating again, but I didn't think I told anyone....... XD

Reactions:
  • Synopsis:
    • Court mage, witches, books, library, yes!
    • I approve of short synopses. Short and sweet!
  • Chapter 1
    • A lot of sentence fragments, maybe stylistic.
    • I like the first sentence but why is Young capitalized?
    • Inconsistent tenses
    • Lol Alina has secrets she can't remember
    • The dry humor is very characteristic of Leti-san xD
    • Ooof, honey XD
    • I really enjoy Alina's frostiness and it's also kind of relatable in some ways.
  • Chapter 2
    • Very fluid reading. Relatable thoughts.
    • XD Very funny reasoning
    • Ooof the prince's straightforward response
    • I really like how the prince casually asks to leave straight afterwards, it sort of exudes a sense of self-assuredness that is really attractive in its own way.
  • Chapter 3
    • This is great for characterizing Alina. I like it!
    • Lol that was a fun ploy. Creative!
    • Alina has a very lovable personality
  • Chapter 4
    • I think it's ironic that she reads a lot of romance novels
  • Chapter 5
    • Fire sprinkler? XD
    • Huuuh it's the twin
  • Chapter 6
    • Hm~

I have absolutely zero criticisms! A lovely slice-of-life story that makes me smile with all the interactions. The characters are adorable, but Alina especially. There's a lot of room for further character development too, and I hope some interesting developments/twists occur too.

Prince Raimond is a bit bland right now. I'd like to see more development of the aspects of him lying and putting on an act... maybe something more interesting.

Is it weird that I want Alina to friendzone Raimond for the entire novel?

I feel like normally with these stories, you expect them to get together, but I really like the idea of a novel that explores a friendship with a romantic tilt on the periphery. It's actually pretty close to real life in some ways -- when a friend confesses but their feelings aren't reciprocated, yet they continue to be friends afterwards.

For me, the ideal trajectory of this story would sort of be one where Alina never reciprocates Prince Raimond (maybe she's asexual? aromantic?), yet the story continues to focus on their adventures together.

I feel like the tension of the story would completely evaporate if Alina ever said yes.

Also, I have a fetish for being a minor character in the lives of people that I like. What I mean by this is that I think it would be nice to be part of the Prince's life yet not married to him. Idk, being the maid or librarian sounds nice. Basically, still be peripherally related to his life yet not be the main spouse because that seems stressful and annoying, and of course there are way better things that you can do when you're not in a relationship, since relationships can be a hassle too, and to some extent it seems mortifying to be married to someone with such a high public profile.
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93
Roast the sh*t out of my signature
Welcome to ScribbleHub!

Thoughts as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • A relatively unconventional synopsis but works for me
    • Not sure if there are tags that appeal to me but let's give it a shot
  • Information
    • Huh, I wonder if it's necessary to have this
    • I'm not very fond of revenge plots since I usually find them a bit superficial/cliche
  • Chapter 1
    • First sentence is a fragment >.<
    • Not sure about how I feel about the bedtime story. I sort of just glazed over it.
    • Huh...... that's a strange way for the mother to get trapped behind. It seems inconsistent with the fact that they had a chance to have two whole exchanges in their conversation.
    • I felt a little disappointed that you fast-forwarded through the section when he was running away from the village and simply said he "got lost". Maybe would have liked to see a more emotional reaction to the mother's death.
    • Huuuuuh... that's a very weird offer to say "You can join me and become a powerful warrior" right off of the bat. Seems very artificial and contrived.
    • Uhhh I'm pretty skeptical after reading the first chapter.
  • Chapter 2
    • Very short
  • Chapter 3
    • Huh a timeskip. Seems like so little happened before this timeskip.
I dunno... I really didn't feel this story. To me, it was relatively poorly formulated, and it needs a lot of work, especially in terms of capturing and conveying the characters' emotions. A lot of dramatic events occurred in the first chapter, and it barely feels like the the MC reacts. I also find it very strange that Shiz just randomly picks up MC with no questions or explanations offered........ needs work.
 

Shiromoon

New member
Joined
Dec 7, 2020
Messages
6
Points
3
Hiyo! I don't think we've talked before, and welcome to ScribbleHub if you're new!

Reactions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • "Costs as much as many golds" -- grammar?
    • It would be good to fix the grammar and tenses.
    • I do like beastkin so let's see how this goes!
  • Chapter 1
    • First sentence/paragraph grammar issues!
    • What is a Magicef?
    • Tiger and Rabbit seems like a nice ship
    • I'm surprised that people care about their age before they're... 30 years old or so... like even if peoples' early 20s, at least in my experience people usually aren't that sensitive about it.
I didn't have too many comments for the rest of the chapter. It's hard for me to say that much since the story hasn't really picked up that much yet.

I like your setting. It's creative and it's an interesting world. I also really like beastkin, so I'm naturally curious about how things might turn out.

The premise for the overall story seems a little bit un-exciting (going on an adventure to collect ingredients for magical cake), but maybe it's okay if it's meant to be a light-hearted story focused on other aspects. The characters personalities don't really seem that interesting to me right now.

The writing is pretty good for a first novel.

I had major issues with the grammar and it would be good if you found an editor.
*cuddles* thankies~
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93
Today I kinda feel like being whipped by your tongue~ ♡
(Ok i'm just kidding but please check out my story in my signature. Chapters are around 500 words so it's short (suffering) .)
(I wanna know how infernal my novel is)
Impressions as I read:
  • Synopsis:
    • Feels like a sandbox story, so I think a lot of people might not click through since I suppose most people would assume this isn't a serious novel.
    • Interesting tags though... I like a bunch of them
  • Prologue
    • Interesting premise
    • Invisible dragon influence, yes
  • Chapter 1
    • Not much to comment
  • Chapter 2
    • Feels like improvisation
  • Chapter 3
    • Seems like the story is kind of aimless
    • For instance, the grandpa is introduced but then you immediately get rid of him.
  • Chapter 4
  • Chapter 5
    • I feel like the story here didn't really quite reflect the tags in the way that I expected. For instance, I saw psychological, tragedy, horror, abusive characters so..... maybe I was expecting something darker. XD
    • Instead this seemed to be kind of a random slapstick comedy with an aimless plot.
I stopped here.

I thought the premise was interesting for maybe the first 1-2 chapters, but I didn't really feel like it developed or went anywhere with a bigger picture. I don't really have the patience to read a random meandering plotless novel, so I didn't feel that excited about continuing.

One difference between Invisible Dragon and your novel is that Invisible Dragon is a parody. It takes a well-established trope and inverts it / mocks it. I don't think your story is a parody to the same degree, and it's a little bit more like you sat down for 5 minutes every day and wrote something randomly.

That said, it's a creative idea and not something that's easy to execute. I think you did a good job at setting up the situation and introducing the narrator-protagonist relationship.
 

High-in-the-skys

Awkward member
Joined
Jan 2, 2021
Messages
60
Points
33
t's a little bit more like you sat down for 5 minutes every day and wrote something randomly.
Wait, How'd you found out I was about to sleep before I wrote it :O
Anyways, thanks for reading my novel ♡
(Didn't know someone here read the infamous invisible dragon)
 

minacia

perpetually sour
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
521
Points
93
Wait, How'd you found out I was about to sleep before I wrote it :O
Anyways, thanks for reading my novel ♡
(Didn't know someone here read the infamous invisible dragon)
It's famous and I come from NUF~ There was a year when LysUltima wrote the Invisible Panda which was a parody as well.

I didn't read much of the Invisible Dragon aside from the first couple chapters but I did get the rough idea.
 

ForestDweller

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 18, 2020
Messages
386
Points
63
Marina's POV is really cringe-y for me to read, and she's very poorly/unrealistically written. I incidentally also have a younger brother (he's adorable and I love him lots), but certain things are just so much cringe cringe cringe. Um, like this...

Hmm, I dunno. I find it adorable. :s_tongue:

  • Really long, probably a little bit too much of a summary
  • Has flags about what kind of story this will probably be. Pardon my language, but lines drawing attention to "no women want to be near him" (etc) makes it seem like an incel protagonist.
  • I don't know if it's necessary to spoil your own story in the synopsis

Yeah, I'm not sure how to write the summary to be honest. To get to the exciting part, I have to pretty much spoil it. If not, then it's just a story about a loser getting a second chance in a fantasy world.

Heh, incel protagonist, huh? I would've outright said he hates women if that's the case. It's not really that uncommon in isekai works tbh.

Chapter 1
  • I just watched Mushoku Tensei ep 1 and the beginning is almost identical............................
  • The protagonist seems whiney. I feel like there are may other ways to capture depression and other aspects without necessarily going through the whole laundry list of tropes mentioned. There are many people with depression, and it would be nice if there was a story that captured that psychology more realistically in the opening.
  • Oh... that was a very dull and anticlimatic drowning scene. I was expecting to see it played out more.
  • Marina's POV is... a little bit cringy I guess xD

Yeah, the start really is similar. It only diverges later on.

He is whiney. The title is Worthless Man after all. I'm not sure if he legitimately has depression even. Would you say that Rudy from Mushoku Tensei have depression in his old life?

Hmm, not sure how I would add more to the drowning part to be honest. Since it's the usual isekai transportation scene, I didn't really put too much thought into it.

Chapter 2
  • Hmm... I think I'm a little bit tired of the magic prodigy plotline, I guess, moreso because I think of the Earth equivalent (like music prodigies who started violin at age 5), and it's usually not all sunshine and fun as you might expect.
  • Huh? That's nepotism?
  • Oh no! Marina's POV again... >.<

A valid point. Even with that prodiginess though, he can't evade all the bad things that would happen to him in the future.

I try not to make him too OP, but my readers seem to actually want to make him be OP, using modern world physics to make his magic overpowered and stuff like that.

Haha, she'll be less "cringy" as she grows up. After all, she's still the most popular character to my readers.


I'm stopping here because I haven't read Mushoku Tensei yet and I sort of intend to read it (I just watched the anime), and it's a little bit too obvious that your story is a derivative......... :blob_no:

Yeah, I do take a lot of inspiration from it. I won't hide that fact. It's essentially my take on the same theme MT has.




Thank you for the analysis!
 
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