Minacia's First Chapter Feedback

[Leti]

I really did forget! I think at the time you posted it, there was only one or two chapters, and then I floated off during the holidays and forgot about it. Also, I forgot about your story so I'll have to read it again

Also, how did you know I was translating?! Did I say that somewhere? I did start translating again, but I didn't think I told anyone....... XD

Reactions:

• Synopsis:
  • Court mage, witches, books, library, yes!
  • I approve of short synopses. Short and sweet!
• Chapter 1
  • A lot of sentence fragments, maybe stylistic.
  • I like the first sentence but why is Young capitalized?
  • Inconsistent tenses
  • Lol Alina has secrets she can't remember
  • The dry humor is very characteristic of Leti-san xD
  • Ooof, honey XD
  • I really enjoy Alina's frostiness and it's also kind of relatable in some ways.
• Chapter 2
  • Very fluid reading. Relatable thoughts.
  • XD Very funny reasoning
  • Ooof the prince's straightforward response
  • I really like how the prince casually asks to leave straight afterwards, it sort of exudes a sense of self-assuredness that is really attractive in its own way.
• Chapter 3
  • This is great for characterizing Alina. I like it!
  • Lol that was a fun ploy. Creative!
  • Alina has a very lovable personality
• Chapter 4
  • I think it's ironic that she reads a lot of romance novels
• Chapter 5
  • Fire sprinkler? XD
  • Huuuh it's the twin
• Chapter 6
  • Hm~

I have absolutely zero criticisms! A lovely slice-of-life story that makes me smile with all the interactions. The characters are adorable, but Alina especially. There's a lot of room for further character development too, and I hope some interesting developments/twists occur too.

Prince Raimond is a bit bland right now. I'd like to see more development of the aspects of him lying and putting on an act... maybe something more interesting.

Is it weird that I want Alina to friendzone Raimond for the entire novel?

I feel like normally with these stories, you expect them to get together, but I really like the idea of a novel that explores a friendship with a romantic tilt on the periphery. It's actually pretty close to real life in some ways -- when a friend confesses but their feelings aren't reciprocated, yet they continue to be friends afterwards.

For me, the ideal trajectory of this story would sort of be one where Alina never reciprocates Prince Raimond (maybe she's asexual? aromantic?), yet the story continues to focus on their adventures together.

I feel like the tension of the story would completely evaporate if Alina ever said yes.

Also, I have a fetish for being a minor character in the lives of people that I like. What I mean by this is that I think it would be nice to be part of the Prince's life yet not married to him. Idk, being the maid or librarian sounds nice. Basically, still be peripherally related to his life yet not be the main spouse because that seems stressful and annoying, and of course there are way better things that you can do when you're not in a relationship, since relationships can be a hassle too, and to some extent it seems mortifying to be married to someone with such a high public profile.

Thanks for your feedback! You know what this mean? Now I have to write more chapters!

 

[minacia]

Heh, incel protagonist, huh? I would've outright said he hates women if that's the case. It's not really that uncommon in isekai works tbh.

For me I think what triggered the thought was the focus on "no women want to be near him" emphasized in the synopsis and the first chapter. I think it stood out to me because it was explicitly stated in a way that reminded me of certain types of people. For instance, there are plenty of NEET protagonists that are unemployed and so forth and don't dwell very much on their romantic status, but then there are other NEET protagonists that obsess over the fact that they're a virgin and can't get a girlfriend.

Like Subaru from Re:Zero is more of the former. The latter (at least for me) floats towards incel territory.

The particular line "no women want to be near him" kind of had an incel flavor for me because IRL women really aren't that shallow...... like we don't avoid people just because they're unattractive or unsuccessful. Most people are perfectly nice and happy to work with (either as a colleague, classmate, customer, etc.) and interact with people that they're not romantically interested in... and lots of people befriend people that they're not sexually interested in.

The "no women want to be near me" or "no women wants to be friends with me" line of thinking tends to be a incel-type of mentality, at least that's the way that I've experienced it. If somebody is unable to make friends with the other sex, usually I tend to think there are other issues at play other than just being unemployed...

He is whiney. The title is Worthless Man after all. I'm not sure if he legitimately has depression even. Would you say that Rudy from Mushoku Tensei have depression in his old life?

It is indeed in the title. XD I only brought it up because you do say in Chapter 1 that your protagonist fell into depression.

I try not to make him too OP, but my readers seem to actually want to make him be OP, using modern world physics to make his magic overpowered and stuff like that.

Ahh, yes, I feel like that's a popular request from readers!

Good luck with your story!

 

[ForestDweller]

For me I think what triggered the thought was the focus on "no women want to be near him" emphasized in the synopsis and the first chapter. I think it stood out to me because it was explicitly stated in a way that reminded me of certain types of people. For instance, there are plenty of NEET protagonists that are unemployed and so forth and don't dwell very much on their romantic status, but then there are other NEET protagonists that obsess over the fact that they're a virgin and can't get a girlfriend.

Like Subaru from Re:Zero is more of the former. The latter (at least for me) floats towards incel territory.

Ah, that's because my protagonist is a pervert who are really desperate for sex and companionship.

I know that's a terrible mentality though. Which is why he is a "worthless man".

I only brought it up because you do say in Chapter 1 that your protagonist fell into depression.

That's the word I had in mind to describe his condition. It's not necessarily a medical depression, since I barely have any idea about that.

Ahh, yes, I feel like that's a popular request from readers!

I can't fulfill it though, unfortunately. After half a million words, he recently just let a little girl die because he's too scared to fight against an opponent he believes is too much for him. Complete with full fear mode with his body shaking all over.

Honestly, I'm starting to think I shouldn't have made him be that much of a loser in the first place. Rudy certainly wasn't.

Good luck with your story!

Thank you!

 

[minacia]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/121764/schwarz/

Time to get toasted!

Thoughts as I read:

• Synopsis:
  • So as a brief FYI, I normally tend to avoid stories with loli's. I'm not sure why but maybe I just don't like loli's very much...
  • Synopsis is fairly vague and I have no idea what I'll be reading. If it were me stumbling upon your novel normally, I would probably decide whether I want to read your story based on the tags. Tragedy stands out to me (a plus in my book). Cover is a minus (due to my anti-loli sentiments lol)
• Chapter 1
  • This is really only your second work??? For some reason I expected you to have a lot more XD
  • Oh a rhyme on the first paragraph.
  • It seems like you're writing a poetry-prose fusion, which is cool stuff. That said, I wrote this in my commentary for BenBen, but authors have limited symbolic capital. If everything that you write is pretty and telegraphic, it's difficult to make the truly significant stuff pop and punch, and your canvas just gets muddled with color. As a result, some people say it's a good idea to intersperse the short lines with longer paragraphs so you can place the punchlines on the short lines and have them really stand out. This was actually the feedback that an editor gave me a year or two ago (to combine more of the short paragraphs that aren't that significant for the narrative and reserve the short paragraphs for punchlines). Likewise, if you want important themes to punch, you can't broadcast symbolism constantly.
  • The external description is very beautiful, but I'm also really curious about Aurora's feelings. You tend to describe her feelings with relatively simplistic words (i.e. "Aurora felt terrible" or "Aurora persisted" or "Aurora refused to die" or "Aurora hated this place with pure disgust"), which don't really tell us about her feelings but rather provide an outside viewer of what she appears to be feeling. I guess I'm curious about her feelings because she's skewered with swords and her reactions aren't exactly normal. I guess I tend to be a "feeling" centric person XD
  • First impression for chapter is that your writing is incredibly beautiful, but I feel like I'm lacking a little substance for plot. There doesn't appear to be a conflict that is looming on the horizon, and instead Aurora is stepping into a rift which is about as equivalent as saying that anything could happen (which doesn't quite hook the reader). The effect for me is that you're kind of asking me to stay for the next chapter on the basis on your writing is beautiful and Aurora seems to be an enigmatic(?) character.
• Chapter 2
  • A little bit too long spent on describing Schwarz when I haven't been given a reason to care about this place yet. Seems similar to an info dump.
  • Where is the girl from the first chapter? ;-;
  • The way that this is structured, it kind of feels like this was another prologue chapter.
• Chapter 3
  • Ahh, makes sense XD
  • She's frail?!
  • I feel like the content of chapter 1 makes some of the statements that Aurora lacks talent compared to Tiberius less compelling...
  • I think I have a poor sense of Aurora's personality right now. It's clashing with the imagery that I was given in Chapter 1
• Chapter 4
  • Seems like a fairly typically "RUN" plot development
  • I feel like I'm itching for a plot or overarching purpose to cling to. We know from chapter 2 that people want the Schwartz family dead, but it doesn't really interest me that much in terms of a plot. I guess I'm looking for... something (?) to hold onto?
  • Aurora's character right now seems maybe a little too generic and uninteresting.
• Chapter 5
  • I think my issue is that I just don't care about Aurora right now. She's sort of just a random NPC aristocratic girl in my head. I feel like I'm tempted to drop around here because I don't quite feel invested in any particular thing.
• Chapter 6: No comment
• Chapter 7: First major plot development
• Chapter 8:
  • I wish I could see more psychological development on Aurora's behalf. For instance, "had to fight on regardless" isn't a common mentality, and it isn't what I would have expected from Aurora based on the earlier chapters.
  • The changes are peculiar and makes me wonder where they came from. I guess I just simply don't understand it.
• Chapter 9
  • I'm so confuseddddddd
  • I dunno, I can see from the comments that people really like the violent Aurora, but I'm not sure her character really appeals to me that much
• Arc 2 Chapter 1: I read until here

So my first reaction is that your writing ability is very good. You have beautiful style and your writing flows. Technically speaking, everything is solid in that aspect and writing beautiful things is most definitely one of your strengths. I was definitely gushing over the first chapter, because I'm extremely fond of poetic writing that borrows aspects of both prose and poetry.

To be honest, I already knew that you were a really good writer, so in sense my expectations were really high when I jumped into your novel. I think I was underwhelmed by some of the storytelling aspects (a cohesive theme, exposition/conflict development), and I immediately assumed from the first chapter that you would have a lot of deep thematic devices...... which didn't quite happen. Instead, the story sort of reverted to a linear description of Aurora's life with some very strange fissures/transformations in her character. Personally, I'm a heavily feelings-based reader/writer, and I was dying to get some exploration into various emotional components of Aurora's situation and other elements. Instead, I felt like I mostly got (very beautiful) external description, in the sense that Aurora almost felt like a death loli character that was designed for the audience's enjoyment.

I guess it's just not really the kind of novel that I'm personally looking for.

That said, I can tell from the comments that you're very beloved by your readers, and whatever you're doing is definitely working. XD And honestly, I always thought you were a veteran writer and was very surprised when you said this was only your second story. I look forward to seeing more of your works, and I think every story that you write will definitely get better and better!

 

[BenJepheneT]

Also why is it rated so low?

Someone carpet bombed my story with 5 1*s. Personally, I don't really care about ratings but it doesn't look good for potential readers that don't understand the climate of the site. I don't have the views or favourites to back up my book so I could only depend on the readers' raw attention span and investment to read the stuff.

And then I realize the chapter is really long XD Do I have enough time to read this? I kind of want to get an idea of the plot at a reasonable (relatively quick) pace, so I'll read on...

Yeah, that's actually a problem of mine. My early chapters are long as shit, mainly because I'm eager to get the details out so the plot can get rolling. The highest word count I've reached was 12k. That was around chapter 5-6. After that it's relatively low. Probably at around 7k to 8k.

I feel like Shiro got on his knees when asked to beg a little too easily. I wonder if there's some kind of special meaning to this.

It was meant to juxtapose the starting scene, where Shiro displays an aptitude of beating the shit out of someone to the current scene, where's he's a sobbing, shoe-less bitch grovelling to the masses.

This is really beautiful. I really enjoyed this chapter, and I thought you had a lot of incredible genius content here (no joke), although I felt like the delivery fell short somehow. The first couple of paragraphs didn't quite hook, and I didn't feel hooked until I got to the interrogation bits in the middle of the chapter. The structure of the scene change in the middle adds to the reader's confusion, which is a little risky in the beginning of a story when the reader isn't sure whether they want to stay. It wasn't an easy read (it doesn't "flow" effortlessly like the lighter stories). I think my suggestions would probably be to cut some content or revise the sections with the bear, maybe to get it a little tighter with the overarching theme (the carnivore aspects), but who am I to say? You're making art here.

RISK IS MY MIDDLE NAME LADY

But in all seriousness, I was thinking of fully blowing the first chapter into Shiro's backstory and working up to his character with no mystery. Then I realize that's bullshit. For that premature ejaculation to hook readers, I'm just gonna end up with no fun material to play with. Yeah, my reader-base is knee-capped by that decision but in turn, I get way more content to fuck around with in coming chapters.

Selfishly speaking, I'd say it's a trade-off between me and my potential readers. For your unwavering investment and faith, I'll give you juicy bits of Shiro's character interwoven with the story as it progresses. Like the pigeon and the button-that-gives-seeds.

I'm kind of amazed you don't have that many hearts on your chapters

That's cause' I don't got much readers~ but personally, I find more importance within comments. It's much easier to press that heart button. Commenting requires someone to have read the story, digested it, understand it, AND THEN say something of value after that, all for the sake of informing the author.

I really enjoy the dialogue in your story.

Good to know that the times I've spent talking to myself in my room isn't wasted.

Stopping here at chapter 3. This type of story does land in my boat, albeit it's not really a casual read.

Will probably revisit this later and maybe re-read some chapters as well.

Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~

This opening scene is interesting because we don't know why they're fighting, who's at fault, and various other details. In fact, it reads precisely like a prologue, so I wonder if it would be fine to just have this section placed as a standalone prologue chapter.

I consider prologues to be chapters that establish the theme, tone, and content of the entire series. However, after some introspection I came to the conclusion that the concept I'm striving for just can't fit into a ready-to-go package. And if you think I'm tooting my own horn what I mean by this is that it's inflexible, and that I'm still relatively new to this shit. I don't want to end up tunnel vision-ing my story just to fit within the scope of what my prologue established. So, I went straight away with chapter 1. It's meant to display Shiro's character and establish a mystery: his obvious ability to fend for himself and his inability to do so during the auditorium scene.

Who is this guy? What is this sudden change of scenery? Why is he so meek here? Why isn't he fighting back? Why isn't he wearing shoes? Why is he bowing down? Why are we back here? Why is he not meek now? What is going on?

I realize that my first chapter has given more confusion than inferences for readers to work with and that's something I acknowledge. If I ever attempt a rewrite, I will address it. But as of now, all I can do is keep moving forward, for me as a writer, and for those sticking around to read my stuff.

 

[minacia]

Someone carpet bombed my story with 5 1*s. Personally, I don't really care about ratings but it doesn't look good for potential readers that don't understand the climate of the site. I don't have the views or favourites to back up my book so I could only depend on the readers' raw attention span and investment to read the stuff.

Idk, I really think your story deserves a lot better. It's a really ambitious and thought-provoking story, and I really hope that more eyes might be able to stumble upon it.

RISK IS MY MIDDLE NAME LADY

But in all seriousness, I was thinking of fully blowing the first chapter into Shiro's backstory and working up to his character with no mystery. Then I realize that's bullshit. For that premature ejaculation to hook readers, I'm just gonna end up with no fun material to play with. Yeah, my reader-base is knee-capped by that decision but in turn, I get way more content to fuck around with in coming chapters.

Selfishly speaking, I'd say it's a trade-off between me and my potential readers. For your unwavering investment and faith, I'll give you juicy bits of Shiro's character interwoven with the story as it progresses. Like the pigeon and the button-that-gives-seeds.

I like what you did though! I think it was a good choice to leave Shiro's backstory mysterious, and I liked various elements of almost everything. Moreover, I can't disagree with your writing philosophy (I'm similar in a sense), for wanting to write for myself rather than writing for readers.

That said, I do really like Shiro's character based on what I've seen so far. He's sort of endearing in his own way.

That's cause' I don't got much readers~ but personally, I find more importance within comments. It's much easier to press that heart button. Commenting requires someone to have read the story, digested it, understand it, AND THEN say something of value after that, all for the sake of informing the author.

Ahhh finee, I'll try to write comments then....

Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~
Keeeeeeeeep reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaadiiiiiiing~

XD I will! This is one of the stories that I definitely want to digger deeper into, and it definitely left one of the strongest impressions.

Moreover, I think your writing shares a lot of affinity with things that I'm interested in.

I'll swoon anyday over heavily thematic writing with deep and thoughtful subjects.

I consider prologues to be chapters that establish the theme, tone, and content of the entire series. However, after some introspection I came to the conclusion that the concept I'm striving for just can't fit into a ready-to-go package. And if you think I'm tooting my own horn what I mean by this is that it's inflexible, and that I'm still relatively new to this shit. I don't want to end up tunnel vision-ing my story just to fit within the scope of what my prologue established. So, I went straight away with chapter 1. It's meant to display Shiro's character and establish a mystery: his obvious ability to fend for himself and his inability to do so during the auditorium scene.

Who is this guy? What is this sudden change of scenery? Why is he so meek here? Why isn't he fighting back? Why isn't he wearing shoes? Why is he bowing down? Why are we back here? Why is he not meek now? What is going on?

I realize that my first chapter has given more confusion than inferences for readers to work with and that's something I acknowledge. If I ever attempt a rewrite, I will address it. But as of now, all I can do is keep moving forward, for me as a writer, and for those sticking around to read my stuff.

You're writing art, so obviously there's no person who can guide your vision better than you can. And I totally respect that!

And yes, move forward! Always move forward!

 

[Deleted member 46002]

Welcome to ScribbleHub!

Thoughts as I read:

• Synopsis:
  • A relatively unconventional synopsis but works for me
  • Not sure if there are tags that appeal to me but let's give it a shot
• Information
  • Huh, I wonder if it's necessary to have this
  • I'm not very fond of revenge plots since I usually find them a bit superficial/cliche
• Chapter 1
  • First sentence is a fragment >.<
  • Not sure about how I feel about the bedtime story. I sort of just glazed over it.
  • Huh...... that's a strange way for the mother to get trapped behind. It seems inconsistent with the fact that they had a chance to have two whole exchanges in their conversation.
  • I felt a little disappointed that you fast-forwarded through the section when he was running away from the village and simply said he "got lost". Maybe would have liked to see a more emotional reaction to the mother's death.
  • Huuuuuh... that's a very weird offer to say "You can join me and become a powerful warrior" right off of the bat. Seems very artificial and contrived.
  • Uhhh I'm pretty skeptical after reading the first chapter.
• Chapter 2
  • Very short
• Chapter 3
  • Huh a timeskip. Seems like so little happened before this timeskip.

I dunno... I really didn't feel this story. To me, it was relatively poorly formulated, and it needs a lot of work, especially in terms of capturing and conveying the characters' emotions. A lot of dramatic events occurred in the first chapter, and it barely feels like the the MC reacts. I also find it very strange that Shiz just randomly picks up MC with no questions or explanations offered........ needs work.

Thanks

 

[BenJepheneT]

Idk, I really think your story deserves a lot better. It's a really ambitious and thought-provoking story, and I really hope that more eyes might be able to stumble upon it.

Just gotta keep hoping they take the bait.

XD I will! This is one of the stories that I definitely want to digger deeper into, and it definitely left one of the strongest impressions.

Moreover, I think your writing shares a lot of affinity with things that I'm interested in.

I'll swoon anyday over heavily thematic writing with deep and thoughtful subjects.

And yes, move forward! Always move forward!

 

[Deleted member 46002]

I dunno... I really didn't feel this story. To me, it was relatively poorly formulated, and it needs a lot of work, especially in terms of capturing and conveying the characters' emotions. A lot of dramatic events occurred in the first chapter, and it barely feels like the the MC reacts. I also find it very strange that Shiz just randomly picks up MC with no questions or explanations offered........ needs work.

That was supposed the further point of the story (trying to find how and why)

 

[Deleted member 45782]

I haven't wrote in a long time, but would you be interested in reading this story? I stopped because I felt like I was starting to develop plot holes in the middle. + Time. Have not updated it to Scribblehub yet, but its still on Wattpad: Lost Souls Shrouded in Darkness .

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Thoughts as I read:

• Synopsis:
  • So as a brief FYI, I normally tend to avoid stories with loli's. I'm not sure why but maybe I just don't like loli's very much...
  • Synopsis is fairly vague and I have no idea what I'll be reading. If it were me stumbling upon your novel normally, I would probably decide whether I want to read your story based on the tags. Tragedy stands out to me (a plus in my book). Cover is a minus (due to my anti-loli sentiments lol)
• Chapter 1
  • This is really only your second work??? For some reason I expected you to have a lot more XD
  • Oh a rhyme on the first paragraph.
  • It seems like you're writing a poetry-prose fusion, which is cool stuff. That said, I wrote this in my commentary for BenBen, but authors have limited symbolic capital. If everything that you write is pretty and telegraphic, it's difficult to make the truly significant stuff pop and punch, and your canvas just gets muddled with color. As a result, some people say it's a good idea to intersperse the short lines with longer paragraphs so you can place the punchlines on the short lines and have them really stand out. This was actually the feedback that an editor gave me a year or two ago (to combine more of the short paragraphs that aren't that significant for the narrative and reserve the short paragraphs for punchlines). Likewise, if you want important themes to punch, you can't broadcast symbolism constantly.
  • The external description is very beautiful, but I'm also really curious about Aurora's feelings. You tend to describe her feelings with relatively simplistic words (i.e. "Aurora felt terrible" or "Aurora persisted" or "Aurora refused to die" or "Aurora hated this place with pure disgust"), which don't really tell us about her feelings but rather provide an outside viewer of what she appears to be feeling. I guess I'm curious about her feelings because she's skewered with swords and her reactions aren't exactly normal. I guess I tend to be a "feeling" centric person XD
  • First impression for chapter is that your writing is incredibly beautiful, but I feel like I'm lacking a little substance for plot. There doesn't appear to be a conflict that is looming on the horizon, and instead Aurora is stepping into a rift which is about as equivalent as saying that anything could happen (which doesn't quite hook the reader). The effect for me is that you're kind of asking me to stay for the next chapter on the basis on your writing is beautiful and Aurora seems to be an enigmatic(?) character.
• Chapter 2
  • A little bit too long spent on describing Schwarz when I haven't been given a reason to care about this place yet. Seems similar to an info dump.
  • Where is the girl from the first chapter? ;-;
  • The way that this is structured, it kind of feels like this was another prologue chapter.
• Chapter 3
  • Ahh, makes sense XD
  • She's frail?!
  • I feel like the content of chapter 1 makes some of the statements that Aurora lacks talent compared to Tiberius less compelling...
  • I think I have a poor sense of Aurora's personality right now. It's clashing with the imagery that I was given in Chapter 1
• Chapter 4
  • Seems like a fairly typically "RUN" plot development
  • I feel like I'm itching for a plot or overarching purpose to cling to. We know from chapter 2 that people want the Schwartz family dead, but it doesn't really interest me that much in terms of a plot. I guess I'm looking for... something (?) to hold onto?
  • Aurora's character right now seems maybe a little too generic and uninteresting.
• Chapter 5
  • I think my issue is that I just don't care about Aurora right now. She's sort of just a random NPC aristocratic girl in my head. I feel like I'm tempted to drop around here because I don't quite feel invested in any particular thing.
• Chapter 6: No comment
• Chapter 7: First major plot development
• Chapter 8:
  • I wish I could see more psychological development on Aurora's behalf. For instance, "had to fight on regardless" isn't a common mentality, and it isn't what I would have expected from Aurora based on the earlier chapters.
  • The changes are peculiar and makes me wonder where they came from. I guess I just simply don't understand it.
• Chapter 9
  • I'm so confuseddddddd
  • I dunno, I can see from the comments that people really like the violent Aurora, but I'm not sure her character really appeals to me that much
• Arc 2 Chapter 1: I read until here

So my first reaction is that your writing ability is very good. You have beautiful style and your writing flows. Technically speaking, everything is solid in that aspect and writing beautiful things is most definitely one of your strengths. I was definitely gushing over the first chapter, because I'm extremely fond of poetic writing that borrows aspects of both prose and poetry.

To be honest, I already knew that you were a really good writer, so in sense my expectations were really high when I jumped into your novel. I think I was underwhelmed by some of the storytelling aspects (a cohesive theme, exposition/conflict development), and I immediately assumed from the first chapter that you would have a lot of deep thematic devices...... which didn't quite happen. Instead, the story sort of reverted to a linear description of Aurora's life with some very strange fissures/transformations in her character. Personally, I'm a heavily feelings-based reader/writer, and I was dying to get some exploration into various emotional components of Aurora's situation and other elements. Instead, I felt like I mostly got (very beautiful) external description, in the sense that Aurora almost felt like a death loli character that was designed for the audience's enjoyment.

I guess it's just not really the kind of novel that I'm personally looking for.

That said, I can tell from the comments that you're very beloved by your readers, and whatever you're doing is definitely working. XD And honestly, I always thought you were a veteran writer and was very surprised when you said this was only your second story. I look forward to seeing more of your works, and I think every story that you write will definitely get better and better!

I feel satisfied, but also not. Sad that you drop when the plot starts to appear. The plot of this book at least.

 

[BlackFrost]

My chapters are a bit short, but I'd like your opinion on them:

- Prologue – The Beginning Of Despair | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

- Prologue – Bad Premonition! | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[LostLibrarian]

People are getting so nice all the sudden:

The Lone Macaw

The moment the dying Aki opens his eyes, he is shocked. Not his hospice room but green meadows, blue sky and the villages of his favorite MMO await him. A fever dream? Or a new lease of life? To Aki it’s a chance to correct the story line he...

www.scribblehub.com

(now I feel kinda pressured in jumping on the train and reading other stuff, too xD)

 

[minacia]

I haven't wrote in a long time, but would you be interested in reading this story? I stopped because I felt like I was starting to develop plot holes in the middle. + Time. Have not updated it to Scribblehub yet, but its still on Wattpad: Lost Souls Shrouded in Darkness .

Come join us on ScribbleHub!

Reactions as I read:

• Synopsis:
  • Poetic-style synopsis; seems a little stereotypically emo/angst-styled
  • A little too vague to the point I'm not sure if I want to start reading
  • Tags seem somewhat interesting; I want to see how the loneliness and insanity parts play together
• Solemnly Waiting in the Dark
  • Freestyle poetry; there are more full sentences than I'm used to and it feels more descriptive than tonal.
• Prologue
  • Hurray for dead tree! I like this first sentence
  • "She had an angelic face on" -- perhaps describe this more in detail? Angelic can mean a lot of different things! I think I would like to see more (misleading) characterization of the girl before introducing the creep.
  • :O Oh my goodness this guy.........
  • XD Yup, I had a feeling that would happen.
  • A fun start, I'll read the next chapter!
• Chapter 1
  • Some mild grammar/word choice could be improved (i.e. "a place of being belonged"). Language is somewhat simplistic but it's still very readable.
  • I like the last sentence.
  • This chapter didn't have very much content, it feels like... there isn't really a hook of any form, and I don't feel as compelled to click on the next chapter...
• Sides of Darkness and Light
  • I like this poem a lot better than the first one
• Chapter 2
  • A somewhat bland way to start a chapter. Feels like a semi-cliche transfer student development.
  • Chapters are really short
• Chapter 3
  • I like this confrontation scene. I feel like I've been spoiled in terms of knowing what the boys are up to -- and I think it could be exciting if the readers were not informed of their plan and instead we get three boys pretending to be nice... and then a twist when the betrayal occurs!
  • Your writing is pretty fluid and I like how you weave in various environmental cues.
• Chapter 4
  • I spent some time in this chapter wondering if Jon's reaction felt very realistic. He seems a little detached somehow.
• Chapter 5
  • Very curious and interesting!
• Waiting:
  • A poem! I like this one!
• Chapter 6
  • I like how you skipped straight to an active event at the beginning of this chapter. It's engaging and a good way to write. I wish that chapter 2 started in an active way like this chapter.
  • You do a very good job at characterizing the Mom
  • I think this is one of my favorite chapters so far
• Chapter 7
• Chapter 8
  • I like the sudden confrontation, but I wonder if there's a better line than "Shut your mouth!" or "Would you stop pestering me?" I guess I'm just used to colorful swear language lol XD
• Chapter 9
• Chapter 10: I stopped reading here

I think you have a nice story, and I felt myself turning pages. Your writing is easy to read and I think you have a pretty good grasp of storytelling. The girl in the woods is interesting and I want to see how things develop with her. I liked the way you portrayed the mom indirectly through dialogue without explicitly spelling it out. The main negative point for me was that your writing feels somewhat simplistic (a little bit like novels for younger audiences), and it's relatively short on details. I think if you figured out a way to double the length of all your chapters, it might add some "oomph" and meat to your story.

 

[minacia]

My chapters are a bit short, but I'd like your opinion on them:

- Prologue – The Beginning Of Despair | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

- Prologue – Bad Premonition! | Scribble Hub

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I'll do the first one and maybe come back for the second story if my list of stories to read clears up.

Reactions as I read (Devil's Despair)

• Synopsis:
  • I feel like "ordinary" is a word that I have mixed feelings about... what is "ordinary"? Are you ordinary? Am I ordinary? If you mean stereotypically "ordinary", it might be a bit of a boring character....
  • Tags: Tragedy Psychological Romance ^.^
• Prologue
  • Inconsistent tenses!
  • I like the idea of starting on top of a tower, and liking alone time (very relatable). That said, it isn't explored very much and this is glossed over.
  • How would his parents scold him if they were in another country...?
  • Oh....... the haze appeared a bit suddenly. Pacing is too fast. Everything happens in literally one sentence, and there isn't much description here at all.
  • That question is.... a little bit too obvious... "Why are your hands covered in blood?" I think it's more normal for James to have some kind of visceral reaction rather than obliviously asking a question.
  • In general, James reactions seem kind of muted. His emotional reaction isn't conveyed very well.
• Chapter 1
  • Surprised that the school didn't close because of James's death
  • O.O “Hearing about James’s death did shock me, but I know that I have to move on. I hope his family is doing okay.” ...that's almost a psychopathic response. Normal people don't response like that when their friend dies........... even if they're trying to lie

My first reaction to this story is that it seems a bit meaningless. What I mean by this is that there doesn't seem to be any purpose or reason about why the MC was possessed by a demonic haze (it seems totally random, like being struck by lightening), which is really disappointing from a storytelling perspective. Everything should have a purpose! Purposeless things feel meaningless and don't carry much weight.

You've effectively written a psychopathic MC (who kills his friends/classmates for no reason whatsoever). I think this is my problem with psychopaths in particular because there's no meaning or purpose in anyone's deaths. They just kill and there's a bit of gore and there's not really any kind of reaction to feel.

For me, this is sort of the difference between poorly written villains and well-written villains. Even villains should have motivations, and it's really disappointing when a villain is a villain "because they're evil". Or well... it's a simplistic worldview that I'm not particularly fond of. The demon possessing the MC doesn't seem to have any kind of personality or motivations other than wanting to kill people, which is extremely flat.

The tenses in your novel need work, and you often switch between present tense and past tense. There are also some pacing issues and lack of description, particularly when it comes to emotions and feelings.

I think the strong point of your story is probably the gore... I guess...

 

[BlackFrost]

I'll do the first one and maybe come back for the second story if my list of stories to read clears up.

Reactions as I read (Devil's Despair)

• Synopsis:
  • I feel like "ordinary" is a word that I have mixed feelings about... what is "ordinary"? Are you ordinary? Am I ordinary? If you mean stereotypically "ordinary", it might be a bit of a boring character....
  • Tags: Tragedy Psychological Romance ^.^
• Prologue
  • Inconsistent tenses!
  • I like the idea of starting on top of a tower, and liking alone time (very relatable). That said, it isn't explored very much and this is glossed over.
  • How would his parents scold him if they were in another country...?
  • Oh....... the haze appeared a bit suddenly. Pacing is too fast. Everything happens in literally one sentence, and there isn't much description here at all.
  • That question is.... a little bit too obvious... "Why are your hands covered in blood?" I think it's more normal for James to have some kind of visceral reaction rather than obliviously asking a question.
  • In general, James reactions seem kind of muted. His emotional reaction isn't conveyed very well.
• Chapter 1
  • Surprised that the school didn't close because of James's death
  • O.O “Hearing about James’s death did shock me, but I know that I have to move on. I hope his family is doing okay.” ...that's almost a psychopathic response. Normal people don't response like that when their friend dies........... even if they're trying to lie

My first reaction to this story is that it seems a bit meaningless. What I mean by this is that there doesn't seem to be any purpose or reason about why the MC was possessed by a demonic haze (it seems totally random, like being struck by lightening), which is really disappointing from a storytelling perspective. Everything should have a purpose! Purposeless things feel meaningless and don't carry much weight.

You've effectively written a psychopathic MC (who kills his friends/classmates for no reason whatsoever). I think this is my problem with psychopaths in particular because there's no meaning or purpose in anyone's deaths. They just kill and there's a bit of gore and there's not really any kind of reaction to feel.

For me, this is sort of the difference between poorly written villains and well-written villains. Even villains should have motivations, and it's really disappointing when a villain is a villain "because they're evil". Or well... it's a simplistic worldview that I'm not particularly fond of. The demon possessing the MC doesn't seem to have any kind of personality or motivations other than wanting to kill people, which is extremely flat.

The tenses in your novel need work, and you often switch between present tense and past tense. There are also some pacing issues and lack of description, particularly when it comes to emotions and feelings.

I think the strong point of your story is probably the gore... I guess...

Yeah, I thought that the entire thing just seemed wrong when I reread it again. Thanks for the feedback, it would be better if I just rewrite the whole thing again.

 

[minacia]

Yeah, I thought that the entire thing just seemed wrong when I reread it again. Thanks for the feedback, it would be better if I just rewrite the whole thing again.

Ah! Don't feel pressured to rewrite!

Be proud of your story and write what you want!

A lot of authors get stuck in the rewriting trap, and oftentimes it's better to press forward and consider going back to edit/change things in the end after you're done with a story.

My personal advice (for anyone) is to write more. Writing is how you improve! Write new things! It's harder to improve from editing and re-writing your previous things, and you'll improve much faster by pressing onwards and continuing to generate new content! An analogy would be like practicing test-taking skills. You don't improve (as much) but repeating (and over-analyzing) the same practice questions you saw in the past. A lot of times, the best way to improve is to tackle a lot of new questions.

 

[BlackFrost]

Ah! Don't feel pressured to rewrite!

Be proud of your story and write what you want!

A lot of authors get stuck in the rewriting trap, and oftentimes it's better to press forward and consider going back to edit/change things in the end after you're done with a story.

My personal advice (for anyone) is to write more. Writing is how you improve! Write new things! It's harder to improve from editing and re-writing your previous things, and you'll improve much faster by pressing onwards and continuing to generate new content! An analogy would be like practicing test-taking skills. You don't improve (as much) but repeating (and over-analyzing) the same practice questions you saw in the past. A lot of times, the best way to improve is to tackle a lot of new questions.

This is actually the first time I started writing, so I knew there would be some problems with it. I'll try my best to get rid of those problems as I keep writing. And another thing, you said that the villain didn't have motives to kill right? I thought horror genres usually keep the motives mysterious and then show it as the story progresses, and that's what I thought I would do in mine, keep it mysterious and then show it as the story moves forward. I left a few sentences where the villain says he would achieve his goal no matter what, but maybe I should show it even more?

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Come join us on ScribbleHub!

Reactions as I read:

• Synopsis:
  • Poetic-style synopsis; seems a little stereotypically emo/angst-styled
  • A little too vague to the point I'm not sure if I want to start reading
  • Tags seem somewhat interesting; I want to see how the loneliness and insanity parts play together
• Solemnly Waiting in the Dark
  • Freestyle poetry; there are more full sentences than I'm used to and it feels more descriptive than tonal.
• Prologue
  • Hurray for dead tree! I like this first sentence
  • "She had an angelic face on" -- perhaps describe this more in detail? Angelic can mean a lot of different things! I think I would like to see more (misleading) characterization of the girl before introducing the creep.
  • :O Oh my goodness this guy.........
  • XD Yup, I had a feeling that would happen.
  • A fun start, I'll read the next chapter!
• Chapter 1
  • Some mild grammar/word choice could be improved (i.e. "a place of being belonged"). Language is somewhat simplistic but it's still very readable.
  • I like the last sentence.
  • This chapter didn't have very much content, it feels like... there isn't really a hook of any form, and I don't feel as compelled to click on the next chapter...
• Sides of Darkness and Light
  • I like this poem a lot better than the first one
• Chapter 2
  • A somewhat bland way to start a chapter. Feels like a semi-cliche transfer student development.
  • Chapters are really short
• Chapter 3
  • I like this confrontation scene. I feel like I've been spoiled in terms of knowing what the boys are up to -- and I think it could be exciting if the readers were not informed of their plan and instead we get three boys pretending to be nice... and then a twist when the betrayal occurs!
  • Your writing is pretty fluid and I like how you weave in various environmental cues.
• Chapter 4
  • I spent some time in this chapter wondering if Jon's reaction felt very realistic. He seems a little detached somehow.
• Chapter 5
  • Very curious and interesting!
• Waiting:
  • A poem! I like this one!
• Chapter 6
  • I like how you skipped straight to an active event at the beginning of this chapter. It's engaging and a good way to write. I wish that chapter 2 started in an active way like this chapter.
  • You do a very good job at characterizing the Mom
  • I think this is one of my favorite chapters so far
• Chapter 7
• Chapter 8
  • I like the sudden confrontation, but I wonder if there's a better line than "Shut your mouth!" or "Would you stop pestering me?" I guess I'm just used to colorful swear language lol XD
• Chapter 9
• Chapter 10: I stopped reading here

I think you have a nice story, and I felt myself turning pages. Your writing is easy to read and I think you have a pretty good grasp of storytelling. The girl in the woods is interesting and I want to see how things develop with her. I liked the way you portrayed the mom indirectly through dialogue without explicitly spelling it out. The main negative point for me was that your writing feels somewhat simplistic (a little bit like novels for younger audiences), and it's relatively short on details. I think if you figured out a way to double the length of all your chapters, it might add some "oomph" and meat to your story.

Thanks! Yeah, I feel like prologue and only a few chapters were great; some or most of it is pretty boring. The chapters are really short because I had transferred them from another writing platform, but that writing platform was more for posts (mainly good for poetry) so I had to keep the chapters short in order not to make it seem a very length scroll for them. I've thought about just merging chapters all together. I'm thinking of cutting down some poems too althu i wanted to combine some poetry in somehow.

Thanks for the feedback . maybe someday i'll come back to rewrite the whole thing and finish it.

 

[minacia]

People are getting so nice all the sudden:

The Lone Macaw

The moment the dying Aki opens his eyes, he is shocked. Not his hospice room but green meadows, blue sky and the villages of his favorite MMO await him. A fever dream? Or a new lease of life? To Aki it’s a chance to correct the story line he...

www.scribblehub.com

(now I feel kinda pressured in jumping on the train and reading other stuff, too xD)

You should! Or well... maybe not, if you want to write your stories! XD I haven't written anything in the past week........

Reactions as I read:

• Synopsis:
  • Some of the clauses feel a little awkward and there is a superfluous article ("the impending war")
  • Pretty concise and solid synopsis otherwise
  • Tags: I'm fond of the Kingdom building and politics tags
  • Not sure if I would read based on the front page. There's a lot of isekai novels and I'm not sure if I saw something that makes it really stand out
• Prologue
  • Nice concise first sentence.
  • What does "I’m not happy that Encephalomyelitis disseminata isn’t possible anymore" mean? That the disease is extinct?
  • I like your usage of repetition.
  • Third paragraph: Ground(ed)
  • I like your alternation between short paragraphs and long paragraphs.
  • This prologue is an autobiography, but I like it because it focuses on certain themes. Your writing is beautiful.
  • That last sentence was amazing!!!
  • Very beautiful opening with a character that really seems alive. I'm happy that you made a character that isn't just a generic sob story (which is very common in isekai stories), and I like how there's more of a realistic tilt.
• Chapter 1
  • More great first sentences.
  • I love how short these sentences are around this section: "I was this warrior." It carries a lot more meaning than what's explicitly present in words, and the unsaid elements are very powerful.
  • Failure. <3
  • Ahhhhhh this chapter was great. It's so relatable and does so many things right. I have nothing but praise.
• Chapter 2
  • Mhm, I like how you made the VR technology more realistic. Real life is often much more halfway, and I really appreciate that in your story.
  • I appreciated the characterization of the nurse as well
• Chapter 3
  • "Sometimes I would sit here for hours" -- I like this
  • Mhmmm the staying behind... yes...
• Chapter 4
  • Hmm... I'm not sure if this development of being stuck in the game fits well with the prior atmosphere. It's a tick into the escapism direction, which your novel previously seemed to eschew. I think I would have maybe preferred it if the protagonist had a prolonged hospice stay (i.e. expected to die within a month but ended up surviving for 12 months, which isn't exactly unusual), with the story focused on his experiences online.... but that's just what I was hoping for and not necessarily your story. That said, I'm a huge sucker of Mono no aware as a theme, or finding acceptance/beauty in something transient.
  • Hmm... I dunno how I feel about this chapter as much. I can see you have an attachment to realism, but I feel like you're departing from a cohesive theme.
• Chapter 5
  • Sturdy yes! <3
  • That's a really nice illustration btw
• Chapter 6
  • I'm not a huge fan of the litRPG genre (FYI) so I'm losing a little interest here. That said, this is written well
  • You've been writing these chapters daily?! They're so good.......... I would have thought you've been updating at a much slower pace...
• Chapter 7
  • I think we've departed from the starting themes so my interest has waned a bit. To sort of explain why, I'm a huge fan of theme and symbolism. Your story seems focused on realism, which is fine, but just not as much of my jam unless thematic narrative elements are maintained. This section slows down a lot in terms of narrative storytelling, and I realize that you're starting an arc that realistically builds up from the bottom. That's fine... just not what I initially was hoping to see.
  • I have mixed feelings about the hare killing scene.
• Chapter 8
  • The protagonist feels increasingly generic and a tilt for loneliness, but maybe he's supposed to be a self-insert
  • Not sure what I'm looking for in this story anymore.
  • I stopped reading here

I think technically speaking, this was absolutely one of the best stories I've read in this thread. You have a lot of skill as a writer and I love your command of language and style. There are very few criticisms that I can offer about your writing and this story is really really really good. 5/5 stars.

I really loved the opening of your story and really felt various aspects of the protagonist's situation. So many good things to say.

I think I was disappointed with the "stuck-in-a-game" development that started around Chapter 4. The story slowly converted over to a more typical "starting over" situation, and many of the thematic elements that I adored in the beginning sort of disappeared. In other words, the protagonist became more "normal" and therefore more boring as a consequence. Your story relies on an appeal to realism, hoping that readers will like this realistic approach to isekai, but I feel like it lacks a little substance in terms of direction. The protagonist feels a little bit too "free" in a sense (he wants to go on an adventure... which is maybe too open-ended??).

It may be just my personal preference though. I like stories that have a narrative and overarching/cohesive thematic webbing, whereas your story feels more like a realism-oriented chronicle. That said, it's clear from various elements that loneliness is a theme of your story, I felt a little underwhelmed by the execution of this particular theme, in part because the I think it takes backseat to a strict adherence to realism. At times I wished maybe there would be something more of a "sparkle" that adds a little more vibrancy to your story, because it does feel plain in some areas.

Beautiful writing though.

Amazing job!