Minaris' Free First-Chapter Review/Feedback Thread

[ObsequiumMinaris]

Newly Awakened Outer God Works as a Truck Driver

Meet Ichiro Yamashita, a 23-year-old ordinary dude who's recently landed a promotion in the Special Inventory Delivery Department of International World Transportation. But little does he know, his life is about to take a bizarre turn after a showdown with a nightmarish shadow creature that's...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks in advance, I have one question about my first chapter. Did I did the infodump right? I would like to hear you answer!

Thank you for the story!

Okay, so you asked about the infodump in the first chapter, so that's primarily what I'll be addressing here. I apologize in advance if I come as a bit forceful in this particular post - infodumps are something I feel strongly about in fiction. I'll explain why as we go, but if I'm a bit forceful here, that's why. It's nothing personal at all, and in fact I think the rest of your story has a very solid foundation to it, but that infodump is something I think I really need to address as directly as possible.

Let me begin by stating that I'm not a fan of infodumps in general. Doesn't matter what story they're in, I do not like them there. They are a distraction from what would otherwise be a great story. I keep harping on this point in most of my feedback because I think it's important to understand - you only get one chance to make a good first impression on the reader. You want your first chapter to be as attention-grabbing as possible because of that reason. It doesn't necessarily need to be action-packed, though that's generally a simple way to do it, but we need something there that catches the eye and makes it hard to look away. Ultimately, if the reader isn't hooked by the end of the first chapter, the only thing keeping them going at that point is inertia, and inertia runs out very quickly.

So, why am I not a fan of infodumps? Simple - because they generally don't really add anything that couldn't be added elsewhere in the story. You have an entire story to share this information with the reader - it doesn't have to happen right at the start. In fact, adding it at the start risks losing the reader's attention. And if your infodump is at the beginning of the story... that's not really a strong first impression. When you throw a whole bunch of information at the reader like this, especially at the start, there's little to no context for it - there's no engagement on their part because they don't have a reason to really care yet. since they don't know who anyone is or what's going on. You're basically asking them to do a bunch of reading and thinking and for them to get invested right at the start of your story, but you're not providing anything in return for their investment yet - basically, an infodump is not entertaining enough to justify the reader putting in the work to really learn what's going on with it. When the reader opens up a story and immediately sees a big infodump like this, the first thing that goes through their mind is something along the lines of "Why should I care?"

"Why should I care?" - this is probably the one phrase you do not want your reader to even consider thinking about at any point in your story, let alone the start. The moment it goes through their mind, they're done - the suspension of disbelief has been broken, and it's probably not going to come back, and that means they're probably not going to keep reading. Our job as authors of fiction is to entertain, first and foremost - if the reader finds themselves asking why they should even care in the first place, that's a very bad thing, because it means their engagement has dropped like a rock, and if they continue, they're only doing so out of inertia. They're far more likely to open the story, see a big infodump, and go look for something else that's easier to read.

That's why I don't like infodumps, particularly at the beginning of a story - they're one big neon-lit Las Vegas billboard that's basically just begging the reader to ask why they should care.

Please note that this is not limited to just your story in the slightest. In fact, I'd say this is true for all infodumps in pretty much any story. I legitimately do not think there is a good way to do an infodump in any story. These are the parts the audience is going to skim over at best, skip over at worst - don't write something the audience is just going to skip.

Okay, so we've established that infodumps can be counter-productive when it comes to capturing the reader's attention. So what's the fix for that? How do we make infodumps more compelling, and how do we keep the reader from losing engagement with the story while reading the infodump?

Remove it.

Yes, I'm serious. That's what I think the best possible suggestion is here. Not just for you, but for everyone who includes an infodump in their story. I don't care who you are or what story you're writing - that infodump is unnecessary and is distracting from the fact that the rest of your chapter is solid. Get rid of it. Don't give the reader an excuse to start skipping parts of your story, especially early on. I know it's not fun to have to go back and cut out a part of the story that you worked so hard on, but legitimately, I think any story that includes an infodump is better off with the infodump gone.

The rest of your chapter is very good - there are a few little nitpicks I have, but nothing really major. The problem is that the infodump distracts from all of them. If your reader's already started skimming or skipping parts of your story, then what's stopping them from doing the same to the rest of the chapter? After all, they're already asking the Four Deadly Words - at this point, they're looking for an excuse to stop reading. So we're not even going to put the thought into their heads - we're going to cut out that infodump entirely. It's just gone at this point. What does that leave us with? Surprisingly, pretty much the exact same content - the infodump, after all, is just backstory. And backstory is something that can and should be given throughout the entire story. You don't have to give it all to us right at the start - in fact, it's probably better that we go into it not knowing everything about the protagonist until later. I shouldn't need to know everything about your protagonist before getting to like them as a character. In fact, if I have to put in work like that to really appreciate their character, that's probably a bad thing because it means I'm not going to get attached to them as easily, and having to read through a big infodump definitely qualifies as asking the reader to do work on their part.

So, here's my suggestion: Cut out the infodump entirely. Start at the scene where the MC wakes up in the arena. Everything past that point, story-wise, is very good. The infodump is ultimately unnecessary - there's nothing in it that you can't tell us later in bite-sized chunks, and it's distracting from the fact that the rest of your first chapter is a solid start.

Again, I must reiterate - the issue isn't that your specific infodump is distracting from the rest of the story. The issue is that every infodump, as a general rule, is distracting from the rest of the story in which it's included. I legitimately do not believe there's a good way to write an infodump in any story, no matter how skilled of a writer the author may be. If you just start throwing names, descriptions, dates, etc. at the reader right at the start and expect them to not only keep track of it all but also care about it, their eyes are going to glaze over and they're going to skip it. And once the reader has started skipping parts of your story, there's nothing stopping them from skipping other parts. Your primary goal as a writer that's presumably trying to make it big enough to eventually monetize is not just to grow your audience, but also to retain that audience, and retention is very difficult once they've started skipping parts of your story. So with that in mind, don't give them an excuse to start doing so.

Final thoughts - I don't like infodumps in general, I think they take away from what would otherwise be an awesome story. Any story that includes an infodump is almost certainly better off just removing it and instead sprinkling the information it contained throughout the story in some other way that feels more natural.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope this feedback is able to help you in some way. And again, I must apologize pre-emptively if I came off as too forceful or direct in this review - I don't mean anything personally towards you or your story with regards to that, this is just a topic I feel very strongly about.

 

[Tempokai]

The rest of your chapter is very good - there are a few little nitpicks I have, but nothing really major

Thank you for a feedback. I honestly can't think about how to disperse that info dump, so it will stay like that for the time being. Most of the information is used right away, with few being foreshadowings. Whatever. Thank you again!

 

[ObsequiumMinaris]

Good evening, @ObsequiumMinaris. I know my story is still in draft form and barely has any chapters, but I would love to here your thoughts either way. In a nutshell, it’s a meta isekai with a sarcastic narrator, a boatload of pop culture references, and a prideful MC who is more akin to characters like Kenpachi and Yujiro Hanma. The only difference is that he speaks in heavy gen-Z slang. I’ll only show you chapters 1-4 right now because 5-7 are still very rough on the edges. Thank you!

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Thank you for the story!

Okay, so, the first thing that stands out to me is tone. This is obviously a comedy story, so the tone has to match the fact that it's going to be humor-centric. In that regard, I think you did a good job - the narration is lighthearted, sarcastic, and fun to read. I have no complaints there.

Also, a brief note about humor - humor is difficult for me to review in general because it's so subjective. People find different things funny for different reasons. I like to write humor myself, but I understand that a lot of people don't have the same sense of humor I do. That's true for everyone who writes comedy. So I won't be touching upon the actual comedy in this story, despite it making up such a big part of the story, because everyone's taste in comedy is different. What's funny to me may not be funny to someone else; what's unfunny to me, someone else may find hilarious. That's just the way things go. Because of that, I think it'd be best if I didn't try to address or review the actual comedy in this story, because I don't think it'd do anyone any favors. I will say this - there were no jokes that I saw that just fell flat. There was stuff that I personally didn't really find funny, but the joke wasn't poorly-executed, it just wasn't to my taste. That's not a sign of bad comedy or bad writing, rather it's a sign that we just like different things when it comes to humor. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Okay, so, comedy spiel aside, the other thing that caught my attention was the fact the protagonist seems to be massively overpowered. I get that this is part of the joke, similar to One Punch Man, but this does concern me a bit with regards to future chapters. I've only read the first chapter here, but the impression I got right away is that it might be difficult to make it feel like the main character is actually in any real danger. That could be an issue, because it drains away any tension the story may have. Even for a comedy story, it's still important to have serious moments - you need that tension to add context to the comedy. One Punch Man did this by making the citizens think of him as a villain - yes, Saitama was a very powerful hero who could defeat anything with barely any effort, but that didn't help him with his reputation. Of course, it also had an ensemble cast as well, none of whom were as powerful as he was and all had problems of their own, but still. My point is this - even in a comedy story, there needs to be some kind of realistic struggle for the MC. I see that there was a hint at someone who could be a villain at the end, but the issue is making them powerful enough to seriously threaten the MC.

Again, I've only read through the first chapter of this so perhaps you've already thought of that, but if you haven't, then it's worth considering what you can do in order to add something that can rival or threaten the MC. Even a comedy story needs to have serious stakes, otherwise it's more of a series of jokes than anything.

A note about stakes - they don't necessarily have to be from an external source. The MC's personality could just as easily impede him or hurt him in some way, for example. Or it could be something else from within. What you want is something that the MC has to overcome with great effort, whether that's an internal foe or an external foe. The audience loves an underdog, after all, and seeing people overcome difficult challenges is part of the reason why fiction is so enjoyable to read. That's important to keep in mind - if your story is all jokes and snappy dialog, the novelty may wear off in time. But if there are actual barriers to the MC's progress in place that he needs to overcome, be they from within or not, then suddenly things just got a lot more compelling. Suddenly this is an MC we can actually root for rather than just laugh along with.

That having been established, I thought this was actually a really good read all-around. Your descriptions and grammar are good, the setting is interesting, the narration was pleasant, and the jokes (while admittedly not to my taste) did not fall flat. You're hitting all the right notes for what should be a comedy story, which is great.

Final thoughts - There's a really good groundwork here, just be careful when it comes to threatening the MC. Despite being a comedy story, we still need to see what's at stake and feel like there's a genuine chance the MC could fail. Perhaps you've already thought of that, but if not, I figured it was worth mentioning here. Aside from that, I thought it was very good all-around.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope this feedback is helpful to you in some way!

 

[ElijahRyne]

Could you review mine?

Gullnain

A city where secrets lie chained to its dead foundation. None who touch those chains can survive long. Yet, all things wither away eventually those chains too will rot. Just what though will metamorpihize from it.

www.scribblehub.com

 

[ObsequiumMinaris]

Could you review mine?

Gullnain

A city where secrets lie chained to its dead foundation. None who touch those chains can survive long. Yet, all things wither away eventually those chains too will rot. Just what though will metamorpihize from it.

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you for the story!

First thing that comes to mind while reading the first chapter: This is easily the most experimental piece of fiction I've yet read on this site, and I do mean that in a good way. It reminds me of a Stephen King or HP Lovecraft story - it's like it's written almost stream-of-consciousness style at times, but it's all with regards to the history and the strange happenings around Gullnain. At the same time, it's not really an infodump, I think - if this is truly Lovecraft or King-inspired like it seems to be, then we're probably not supposed to remember all the details here as much as allow them to set the scene/mood a bit. In that regard, it does succeed, though I did feel that it started to drag on a little towards the end of that part. Still, though, if your goal there was to draw the reader in and set the scene for some supernatural happenings, mission accomplished on your part. I can't really remember most of it even now, but I remember how it made me feel, and that's arguably more important with a story like this than the information itself is.

Also, it'd be remiss of me not to mention the first line of the story - "A woman wearing a yellow raincoat over her white dress came up to me, as I lay bleeding out in the abandoned streets." This is really good - this is an effective opening line for a story. Immediately, you're forcing the viewer to ask questions - who is the protagonist? Who is the woman? Why is the protagonist bleeding out in the streets? Why is all this important? That's exactly what you want out of an opening statement.

And the rest of the opening scene itself, the one with the woman, is also excellently done. It's a brilliant lead-in to what appears to be the first of several viewpoint characters. It's all there - the imagery, the descriptions, the hooks... this is an excellent scene all-around. A strong opening sentence leading to an even stronger opening for this story.

After that, though, is where things get a little strange. We delve into Garry's... memories? Imagination? One of those. We delve into it, whatever it is, and the writing becomes almost stream-of-consciousness style - fitting, given the circumstances, I must admit. Well played, there. And that's where the entire story gets downright experimental, in a good way.

Now, that being said, I do have to bring something up - this story, I can already tell, is not going to be an easy read, fulfilling as it is. It's experimental and weird, again in a good way, but I am not sure if it's the kind of story that would do well as a web serial. There's something to be said for appealing to the proper market - it's one thing to have a product, but you also need to sell if to the right market; that's just good business sense. You can have a really good story, but if it's not being marketed to the right people, then it's going to fall flat. I don't think this is the kind of story that would succeed the way it should on ScribbleHub, or Royal Road, or even Kindle Unlimited. So what does that leave? Well...

Have you considered maybe writing this story out fully and then trying to pitch it to a traditional publisher?

I know, traditional publishing might be a bit of a dirty word these days since everyone's writing/making big money off of web serials. But here's the thing - I'm not sure if this is the kind of story that's best suited for a web serial. It's brilliantly written, don't get me wrong, but I can already tell there are probably going to be a lot of interconnecting threads to deal with. It's going to demand a lot of the reader's attention. And I don't think that's the kind of thing most readers are looking for here. I mean no offense to any of the readers of this site with that statement, I'm just telling it like it is. I think this story might be too experimental for the good people of the big Internet writing sites, whether that's here or RR or KU or whatever. You're free to disagree with me if you want, but really, this might be the kind of story where it could do really well under a trad publisher. And if none of them want it at that point, well, you've got the entire story written out already, so then you can start posting it on SH again in regular intervals.

Basically: I'd encourage you to think about the target market for a story like this. Who is most likely to read this story? Once you've answered that question, ask another: Where am I most likely to find the kind of person who would enjoy this story? Wherever you think you can find those people, that's where you should pitch your story. And me, personally, with a story like this... I think trad publishing might be the way to go. It certainly couldn't hurt to try. Granted, I'm saying this based off reading a single chapter, and I have no idea how long you intend for this story to actually be. If it's going to be super long, then maybe it would be better as a web serial. I don't know. But if you haven't already considered the trad publishing route, that might be one to add to the list, depending on the circumstances.

Final thoughts: This is a brilliant story. It's weird, but it's beautifully executed so far, based on the one chapter I read. That being said, I'm worried it might be too experimental for the big internet writing sites, and I can't help but wonder if it might do better under a traditional publishing house. That's less of an outright recommendation and more of something to consider, if you haven't already. Ultimately, you should sell the story wherever you think it will sell best, and you're the one who's best equipped to determine that, not me.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope this feedback is able to help you.

 

[ElijahRyne]

Thank you for the story!

First thing that comes to mind while reading the first chapter: This is easily the most experimental piece of fiction I've yet read on this site, and I do mean that in a good way. It reminds me of a Stephen King or HP Lovecraft story - it's like it's written almost stream-of-consciousness style at times, but it's all with regards to the history and the strange happenings around Gullnain. At the same time, it's not really an infodump, I think - if this is truly Lovecraft or King-inspired like it seems to be, then we're probably not supposed to remember all the details here as much as allow them to set the scene/mood a bit. In that regard, it does succeed, though I did feel that it started to drag on a little towards the end of that part. Still, though, if your goal there was to draw the reader in and set the scene for some supernatural happenings, mission accomplished on your part. I can't really remember most of it even now, but I remember how it made me feel, and that's arguably more important with a story like this than the information itself is.

Also, it'd be remiss of me not to mention the first line of the story - "A woman wearing a yellow raincoat over her white dress came up to me, as I lay bleeding out in the abandoned streets." This is really good - this is an effective opening line for a story. Immediately, you're forcing the viewer to ask questions - who is the protagonist? Who is the woman? Why is the protagonist bleeding out in the streets? Why is all this important? That's exactly what you want out of an opening statement.

And the rest of the opening scene itself, the one with the woman, is also excellently done. It's a brilliant lead-in to what appears to be the first of several viewpoint characters. It's all there - the imagery, the descriptions, the hooks... this is an excellent scene all-around. A strong opening sentence leading to an even stronger opening for this story.

After that, though, is where things get a little strange. We delve into Garry's... memories? Imagination? One of those. We delve into it, whatever it is, and the writing becomes almost stream-of-consciousness style - fitting, given the circumstances, I must admit. Well played, there. And that's where the entire story gets downright experimental, in a good way.

Now, that being said, I do have to bring something up - this story, I can already tell, is not going to be an easy read, fulfilling as it is. It's experimental and weird, again in a good way, but I am not sure if it's the kind of story that would do well as a web serial. There's something to be said for appealing to the proper market - it's one thing to have a product, but you also need to sell if to the right market; that's just good business sense. You can have a really good story, but if it's not being marketed to the right people, then it's going to fall flat. I don't think this is the kind of story that would succeed the way it should on ScribbleHub, or Royal Road, or even Kindle Unlimited. So what does that leave? Well...

Have you considered maybe writing this story out fully and then trying to pitch it to a traditional publisher?

I know, traditional publishing might be a bit of a dirty word these days since everyone's writing/making big money off of web serials. But here's the thing - I'm not sure if this is the kind of story that's best suited for a web serial. It's brilliantly written, don't get me wrong, but I can already tell there are probably going to be a lot of interconnecting threads to deal with. It's going to demand a lot of the reader's attention. And I don't think that's the kind of thing most readers are looking for here. I mean no offense to any of the readers of this site with that statement, I'm just telling it like it is. I think this story might be too experimental for the good people of the big Internet writing sites, whether that's here or RR or KU or whatever. You're free to disagree with me if you want, but really, this might be the kind of story where it could do really well under a trad publisher. And if none of them want it at that point, well, you've got the entire story written out already, so then you can start posting it on SH again in regular intervals.

Basically: I'd encourage you to think about the target market for a story like this. Who is most likely to read this story? Once you've answered that question, ask another: Where am I most likely to find the kind of person who would enjoy this story? Wherever you think you can find those people, that's where you should pitch your story. And me, personally, with a story like this... I think trad publishing might be the way to go. It certainly couldn't hurt to try. Granted, I'm saying this based off reading a single chapter, and I have no idea how long you intend for this story to actually be. If it's going to be super long, then maybe it would be better as a web serial. I don't know. But if you haven't already considered the trad publishing route, that might be one to add to the list, depending on the circumstances.

Final thoughts: This is a brilliant story. It's weird, but it's beautifully executed so far, based on the one chapter I read. That being said, I'm worried it might be too experimental for the big internet writing sites, and I can't help but wonder if it might do better under a traditional publishing house. That's less of an outright recommendation and more of something to consider, if you haven't already. Ultimately, you should sell the story wherever you think it will sell best, and you're the one who's best equipped to determine that, not me.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope this feedback is able to help you.

Thank you for the feedback!

This series is, supposed, to be a bit of writing practice in my favorite genera. I am currently trying to find a style of writing that fits how I want to write, get better at short term plotting, improve my writing skills, plan out a mystery, as well as trying to plot out a massive story in the background.

This series is currently under development and will probably, with my current plans, be longer than Hugo’s Les Mis. So, I am not sure if I should go traditional quite yet.(At least until I finish it.) I do agree that this probably isn’t the best site for it, but I currently think that serialization might fit a bit better at the moment, since I am not really trying to make money off of it, for now, and I have yet to get out of plotting.

My inspirations for this is more pulp fiction Noir detective stuff, HP Lovecraft, Junji Ito, 20th Century Boys, Bloodborne, etc.

Once more, thank you for the feedback!

 

[Deleted member 93348]

Thank you for the story!

Okay, so, the first thing that stands out to me is tone. This is obviously a comedy story, so the tone has to match the fact that it's going to be humor-centric. In that regard, I think you did a good job - the narration is lighthearted, sarcastic, and fun to read. I have no complaints there.

Also, a brief note about humor - humor is difficult for me to review in general because it's so subjective. People find different things funny for different reasons. I like to write humor myself, but I understand that a lot of people don't have the same sense of humor I do. That's true for everyone who writes comedy. So I won't be touching upon the actual comedy in this story, despite it making up such a big part of the story, because everyone's taste in comedy is different. What's funny to me may not be funny to someone else; what's unfunny to me, someone else may find hilarious. That's just the way things go. Because of that, I think it'd be best if I didn't try to address or review the actual comedy in this story, because I don't think it'd do anyone any favors. I will say this - there were no jokes that I saw that just fell flat. There was stuff that I personally didn't really find funny, but the joke wasn't poorly-executed, it just wasn't to my taste. That's not a sign of bad comedy or bad writing, rather it's a sign that we just like different things when it comes to humor. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Okay, so, comedy spiel aside, the other thing that caught my attention was the fact the protagonist seems to be massively overpowered. I get that this is part of the joke, similar to One Punch Man, but this does concern me a bit with regards to future chapters. I've only read the first chapter here, but the impression I got right away is that it might be difficult to make it feel like the main character is actually in any real danger. That could be an issue, because it drains away any tension the story may have. Even for a comedy story, it's still important to have serious moments - you need that tension to add context to the comedy. One Punch Man did this by making the citizens think of him as a villain - yes, Saitama was a very powerful hero who could defeat anything with barely any effort, but that didn't help him with his reputation. Of course, it also had an ensemble cast as well, none of whom were as powerful as he was and all had problems of their own, but still. My point is this - even in a comedy story, there needs to be some kind of realistic struggle for the MC. I see that there was a hint at someone who could be a villain at the end, but the issue is making them powerful enough to seriously threaten the MC.

Again, I've only read through the first chapter of this so perhaps you've already thought of that, but if you haven't, then it's worth considering what you can do in order to add something that can rival or threaten the MC. Even a comedy story needs to have serious stakes, otherwise it's more of a series of jokes than anything.

A note about stakes - they don't necessarily have to be from an external source. The MC's personality could just as easily impede him or hurt him in some way, for example. Or it could be something else from within. What you want is something that the MC has to overcome with great effort, whether that's an internal foe or an external foe. The audience loves an underdog, after all, and seeing people overcome difficult challenges is part of the reason why fiction is so enjoyable to read. That's important to keep in mind - if your story is all jokes and snappy dialog, the novelty may wear off in time. But if there are actual barriers to the MC's progress in place that he needs to overcome, be they from within or not, then suddenly things just got a lot more compelling. Suddenly this is an MC we can actually root for rather than just laugh along with.

That having been established, I thought this was actually a really good read all-around. Your descriptions and grammar are good, the setting is interesting, the narration was pleasant, and the jokes (while admittedly not to my taste) did not fall flat. You're hitting all the right notes for what should be a comedy story, which is great.

Final thoughts - There's a really good groundwork here, just be careful when it comes to threatening the MC. Despite being a comedy story, we still need to see what's at stake and feel like there's a genuine chance the MC could fail. Perhaps you've already thought of that, but if not, I figured it was worth mentioning here. Aside from that, I thought it was very good all-around.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope this feedback is helpful to you in some way!

Thank you so much! As for your take about my overpowered MC, don’t worry. It’s all on purpose. He’s the most powerful character in the story, but his personality is the near antithesis to the typical isekai protagonist. However, I also gave him a lot of depth on chapters 2-7 because I really oughta had to. If he’s gonna be overpowered throughout the story, then he’d better be entertaining.

 

[Para23]

Let's get this ball rolling, shall we?

Pleased to meet you, I go by Minaris. I have been writing on FFN for several years now and recently self-published my first original story over on Amazon, with two more in the works as of the time of this writing, and hopefully many more to come afterwards. I have also helped other authors over the years - I currently have around 80 reviews published on various stories over on FFN, and I am assisting several friends of mine with their own stories, providing feedback whenever they ask for my help. All this is to say that I've given feedback before, and it's generally been very well-received.

Now that my boring qualifications are out of the way, I'll get to what you're really here for - I will read and provide feedback on your first chapter, completely free of charge, no strings attached.

"Why should I have you read and critique my story?" you may ask.

That's a fair question. My answer is this: Because good feedback is hard to come by, and I pride myself on providing good feedback. I will not be rude or mean or anything like that, either - we're all here to learn and get better. My job as a reviewer is to lift you up, not put you down. By the same token, if there's something I think could use some improvement or adjustment, then yes, I will mention it along with possibly a suggestion for what can be done to work on it. I was once a beginning author, myself - I know what it's like to desperately want feedback, and yet be unable to ask for it out of fear of having my work just torn to shreds before my eyes. You have my word that I will not be that kind of reviewer. I'm here to help you, not hurt you.

Writing is hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it. My job is to make it easier for everyone who so desires my help by being as supportive as possible, but also to make sure they're improving as a writer, too. I am not going to just heap praise on your story, but at the same time, I'm not going to just rip it to pieces, either. Good constructive criticism is a two-part process - it is both insightful and supportive. It's a two-way street, basically.

Just as well, writing is not a zero-sum game. One person's success does not take away my success, or anyone else's for that matter. it does not help anyone to just rip into someone else's work without mercy. With that in mind, the best and most logical thing to do is to help each other out however we can. This is my way of doing that. In layman's terms: If you want help, I'm here for you.

"What do you get out of this, anyway?" you're probably wondering. "Why volunteer to help a bunch of random strangers for free?"

Aside from the warm and fuzzy feeling that I'm helping a fellow author out, you mean? Well, I get to read more, which is always a plus. I also get to learn more about writing myself by explaining it to other people - after all, the best way to learn something is to teach someone else how to do it. And, admittedly, if I'm trying to grow my brand as a writer and get my name out there and hopefully sell some more of my books, this is a good way to do it. But even if I don't end up selling more books, the knowledge that I'm helping people out is more than enough for me.

"Okay, I'm sold. How is this going to work?"

Drop a link to your story's first chapter in this thread and I will take a look at it and provide feedback as soon as I am able. Fair warning - I work a full-time job and also have my own slew of stories that demand my attention like a baby screaming for a diaper change, not to mention other hobbies of my own. But I will get to your story in time, count on it. It might be later in the night, or maybe at a later day in the week, but I will get to it. And if you've posted here and I haven't gotten to it after a while, by all means, please send me a message either here or on FFN kindly - emphasis on kindly, please - asking me to take a look, and I will. Odds are, I'm at work/working on my own stories/otherwise indisposed by something else, and could use a reminder that I need to take a look at your story.

"What kind of feedback will you give me?"

If you're looking for purely grammar-related feedback, you're probably in the wrong thread, because I go through life following the PVC Rule - that is, if it reads like it was written by a Pirate, a Viking, or a Caveman, then it's probably wrong, unless the character in question happens to actually be a pirate, a viking, or a caveman. That being said, I will certainly do my best if that's what you're looking for, but my areas of expertise generally lie elsewhere. What I can provide in terms of feedback, or at least what I'm most confident at providing feedback in, is everything else - plot, prose, characterization, how your story simply feels to read, etc. All the good stuff, basically.

"Why only the first chapter?"

Because I'm unfortunately a very busy man with a very busy life. Much as I would love to read your entire story and provide an in-depth review of the whole thing, I simply do not have the time for it. Limiting my feedback to your first chapter is unfortunately necessary if I want to help the most people I can. That being said, if there's a specific other chapter of your story you'd like me to look at that isn't the first, by all means, post it here with a request for me to look at it, and I will, so long as it's just the one chapter. At least for now, please do not post multi-chapter requests.

"Are there any stories you won't read?"

There are stories/genres I'm not particularly fond of, obviously, but I'm willing to look past my own tastes if it means helping someone else out. I am not much one for smut, for example, but if you have a smut story you'd like feedback on, then I'll give it a shot, and I'll do my best to set aside my own taste and be as impartial and helpful as possible. That being said, I'd obviously appreciate not being inundated with such requests, but if it happens, well, I made the thread and the offer of no-strings-attached feedback, so that just means I did it to myself, lol.

Now then, that's my overly long sales pitch done. If you're at all interested in some free feedback, please post your story here, and I will get to it as soon as I am able. Thank you, and I look forward to seeing what you've been working on.

I’m honestly not very confident in my writing yet, but maybe you can give my first chapter a look?https://www.scribblehub.com/series/674987/scripted-fate/

 

[ObsequiumMinaris]

I’m honestly not very confident in my writing yet, but maybe you can give my first chapter a look?https://www.scribblehub.com/series/674987/scripted-fate/

Thank you for the story!

Okay, before we talk about the story itself, I want to discuss the synopsis. There's no easy way for me to say this, so I'll just say it outright:

"I don't know how to a write synopsis for a long ass story like this mannn...I'll keep updating this when I get better at writing lol."

I know why people write stuff like this in their descriptions, but for real, don't write stuff like this in your descriptions. I get that you're trying to under-promise and over-deliver, but this is the kind of thing that doesn't inspire confidence in the reader. They're not going to see this and think you're just being humble and relatable, they're going to see it and think you don't know what you're doing, and then go read something else.

Now, I'm not saying to do the exact opposite and go full "This story is awesome and you should read it" because that's also a turn-off, but don't write stuff like this in your descriptions, please. This is the kind of thing that can hurt you a lot more than it can help you, especially if you're trying to grow a following and especially if you're trying to monetize at some point.

Next, descriptions. I thought your descriptions here were actually very well-done. They're vivid and descriptive, but not to the point where it's overkill. The first sentence and paragraph are also both pretty good - right away, you're setting up a question with regards to the MC's family, with regards to the facade they're upholding. This is an effective opening, so good job on that.

Same goes for the "action" scene, where the protagonist has a vision/premonition of a kid being hit by a car. Truck-kun claims another victim, it seems, though at least it's not the protagonist this time. In all seriousness, I didn't really have a problem with this, but just be aware that the whole car/truck crash thing is kind of overplayed these days, so some people might give you a little grief over it or meme on it or something, but it's not really a big deal. The scene itself was done quite well in terms of action as well as the protagonist's reaction to it, so I have no complaints there.

" --this f***ing kid..."

This, on the other hand, I was not a fan of. I understand why it's censored, but at that point, you're better off using a different, more lighter swear word than censoring a harsh one. Censors like this really draw the audience out of the scene you're trying to paint. By the same token, I understand that not everyone wants to throw F-bombs out there, either for personal reasons or because they don't want to risk earning a higher rating or something; I can't really fault either reasoning, in either case. Still, I think you'd be better off going with a lighter swear word here rather than a censor, just because it's less likely to pull the reader out of the story.

Past that, I thought this was a good first chapter. It does most of what you need it to do - it has an effective opening scene, it introduces some of the characters we'll get to know, and it establishes the main problem that needs to be overcome, in the form of the MC's visions. There's a defined beginning, middle, and end, too, which is good - nothing is super sudden except what needs to be (the first vision, of the kid and cat being hit by a car). Pacing-wise, it's all right where it should be, which is nice.

If there's one more thing I can call out, it'd be to check your spelling and grammar. It wasn't bad, but there were a few spots I noticed where there were some misspellings or missed words. I'd suggest using Grammarly, but if you don't want to for whatever reason, then there are a few tricks you can use instead, such as reading your story to yourself out loud or reading it from back-to-front instead of front-to-back. In either case, you'll want to do a bit more editing in the future to make sure you catch as much of this stuff as you possibly can. I won't harp on grammar too much here, but I will say that it's important to make your story look as clean and professional as possible - it costs you nothing but a little extra time, and your readers will appreciate the effort.

Final thoughts: Your synopsis is the first real taste of the story that the reader is going to get, so you want it to serve as effective advertising, which means that you can't afford to be even a little self-deprecating in it. Your opening paragraph and your descriptions were very effective. Avoid using censors in written works - they tend to be very distracting. Finally, keep an eye on your grammar when you write, and be sure to be careful when you're editing to make sure you get as much of it as possible.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope my feedback is able to help you in some way!

 

[Para23]

Thank you for the story!

Okay, before we talk about the story itself, I want to discuss the synopsis. There's no easy way for me to say this, so I'll just say it outright:

"I don't know how to a write synopsis for a long ass story like this mannn...I'll keep updating this when I get better at writing lol."

I know why people write stuff like this in their descriptions, but for real, don't write stuff like this in your descriptions. I get that you're trying to under-promise and over-deliver, but this is the kind of thing that doesn't inspire confidence in the reader. They're not going to see this and think you're just being humble and relatable, they're going to see it and think you don't know what you're doing, and then go read something else.

Now, I'm not saying to do the exact opposite and go full "This story is awesome and you should read it" because that's also a turn-off, but don't write stuff like this in your descriptions, please. This is the kind of thing that can hurt you a lot more than it can help you, especially if you're trying to grow a following and especially if you're trying to monetize at some point.

Next, descriptions. I thought your descriptions here were actually very well-done. They're vivid and descriptive, but not to the point where it's overkill. The first sentence and paragraph are also both pretty good - right away, you're setting up a question with regards to the MC's family, with regards to the facade they're upholding. This is an effective opening, so good job on that.

Same goes for the "action" scene, where the protagonist has a vision/premonition of a kid being hit by a car. Truck-kun claims another victim, it seems, though at least it's not the protagonist this time. In all seriousness, I didn't really have a problem with this, but just be aware that the whole car/truck crash thing is kind of overplayed these days, so some people might give you a little grief over it or meme on it or something, but it's not really a big deal. The scene itself was done quite well in terms of action as well as the protagonist's reaction to it, so I have no complaints there.

" --this f***ing kid..."

This, on the other hand, I was not a fan of. I understand why it's censored, but at that point, you're better off using a different, more lighter swear word than censoring a harsh one. Censors like this really draw the audience out of the scene you're trying to paint. By the same token, I understand that not everyone wants to throw F-bombs out there, either for personal reasons or because they don't want to risk earning a higher rating or something; I can't really fault either reasoning, in either case. Still, I think you'd be better off going with a lighter swear word here rather than a censor, just because it's less likely to pull the reader out of the story.

Past that, I thought this was a good first chapter. It does most of what you need it to do - it has an effective opening scene, it introduces some of the characters we'll get to know, and it establishes the main problem that needs to be overcome, in the form of the MC's visions. There's a defined beginning, middle, and end, too, which is good - nothing is super sudden except what needs to be (the first vision, of the kid and cat being hit by a car). Pacing-wise, it's all right where it should be, which is nice.

If there's one more thing I can call out, it'd be to check your spelling and grammar. It wasn't bad, but there were a few spots I noticed where there were some misspellings or missed words. I'd suggest using Grammarly, but if you don't want to for whatever reason, then there are a few tricks you can use instead, such as reading your story to yourself out loud or reading it from back-to-front instead of front-to-back. In either case, you'll want to do a bit more editing in the future to make sure you catch as much of this stuff as you possibly can. I won't harp on grammar too much here, but I will say that it's important to make your story look as clean and professional as possible - it costs you nothing but a little extra time, and your readers will appreciate the effort.

Final thoughts: Your synopsis is the first real taste of the story that the reader is going to get, so you want it to serve as effective advertising, which means that you can't afford to be even a little self-deprecating in it. Your opening paragraph and your descriptions were very effective. Avoid using censors in written works - they tend to be very distracting. Finally, keep an eye on your grammar when you write, and be sure to be careful when you're editing to make sure you get as much of it as possible.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope my feedback is able to help you in some way!

Thank you for the feedback! I fixed the synopsis, cause I honestly forgot that I wrote that; thank you for pointing it out! I copied and pasted it from my original version on webnovel lol. Also, you have alot of valid points about the grammar, I'll try to focus more on that; but it gets a bit hard when I'm writing on my phone.

About the truck-kun thing, it literally is a joke in a way. A joke that's gonna have some real sad consequence in the next chapter. I kind of even feel bad for writing it in...but it was a pretty good? way to showcase the MC's 'supernatural abilities' and mental state, I think. I have many versions of this first chapter that doesn't include a truck, or anything remotely similar to it; but I like this new version best because it helps the prologue to not drag on for too long.

And about the censored swearing,, well I honestly just didn't want to write it fully just in case my parents read this somehow lol. I probably won't get rid of the occasional swearing, especially with the MC's perspective, because teenagers swear pretty commonly. I'm a teen too so I can't just pretend that we don't swear, especially in our heads lol. I don't consider saying the f-word that big of a deal to be honest; maybe I should just write the full thing?

Anyways, ignore my rant lol. Thanks so much for your advice! I really appreciate it!

 

[Urmie]

Hello! Is this offer still standing? If so, I would love some feedback on mine. I have a prologue before the first chapter but it's a very small one.
I Became a Mother in Another World

 

[ObsequiumMinaris]

Hello! Is this offer still standing? If so, I would love some feedback on mine. I have a prologue before the first chapter but it's a very small one.
I Became a Mother in Another World

Thank you for the story!

Alright, so the first thing that comes to mind here: Pacing. In this first chapter, you're throwing a lot of information at the reader. Take the passage about her lover, for example - that's kind of just thrown at the reader at the start of the first chapter. It's good information to know, don't get me wrong, but it feels like you're kind of deflating what could otherwise be a good question the reader might have. Especially since that question was set up in the prologue, IIRC - "Who was that man?" And then, one chapter later "Oh, he's probably her lover." Mystery pretty much solved.

My issue here isn't with the information itself, it's with the way it's being communicated to the reader. You don't want to answer questions like this too early - you have an entire book to set these questions up and eventually answer them. You want to leave some stuff to the reader's imagination, keep them guessing for awhile, and then hit them with the answer when it's appropriate.

Pacing is important, because it's what keeps the reader hooked. You need to be properly setting up tension and then releasing that tension throughout the story. Early in the story, you want to be hinting at things rather than outright stating them - get the reader to ask questions, because that's what gets them to keep following your story. Then, when the time is right, answer whatever questions they might have.

There's no hard-and-fast rule when it comes to pacing, it's just something you'll have to develop by feel over time. You'll develop a sense for it as time goes on. For now, it's something to keep in mind when you're writing.

Next thing I noticed:

"After all, she had been trained by this organisation since she was a child. Except for the first few years when she lived with her mother, her entire life had been built in and around the Agency. It was her occupation, her home, and her life. She shot through the ranks once she started actually working. Having her mentor among the Directors helped."

I hate to go back to the show vs tell advice, but it does apply here. These are all personality traits that we're better off seeing for ourselves rather than having the narration state them to us directly. Put her in a situation that lets us see just how devoted to her job she can be, and then we'll be able to infer the rest ourselves.

As for the content of the story itself, I'm not sure how important the backstory and setup are going to be. You spend a lot of time developing the Third Eye Agency in the prologue, at least from what I was able to skim. Then we get an entire first chapter that's just devoted to getting the main character to the new world. Are you planning on sending her back to the original world? Because if you're not, I can't help but wonder if you'd be better off starting the story at the point where she wakes up in the new world, and then giving a brief explanation of how she got there. My reasoning is this: If we're not going to go back to her original world, and there's no way the Agency can get to her, then all that time you spent developing them in the first few chapters doesn't really mean anything, right? In that case, if it really doesn't mean anything to the story, you're probably better off skipping it entirely and just starting at the point where she ends up in the new world. Then, we can have her backstory gradually explained to us throughout the rest of the story, whenever appropriate. That's just a thought I had, though - maybe you do intend to have the Agency come up again in some way, in which case, I'd still probably tone down a little bit of their development in the first chapters until later, but it certainly wouldn't be a bad thing to do a little up-front.

Also, a note on the character - TEA is written to be absolutely ruthless. It's stated in the prologue that they think nothing of wiping out entire cities, civilian population included, if a threat is drastic enough. And yet, the MC feels like she doesn't quite fit in terms of personality. You state that she's been raised in the organization from a very young age, and that it was basically her entire life, but she doesn't feel quite as ruthless as I'd expect. Maybe that's because we just haven't had a chance to really see her in action yet, but from what little we see of her, she has a lover, she excitedly yells a farewell to the pilot who's dropping her off, she's close with her mother, and she's at least considering believing in superstitions. Maybe it's just me, but that feels a little disconnected from the ruthless organization she works for. She feels downright genki compared to what's ultimately this shadowy anti-UN she's working for.

Maybe that's exactly what you're going for, I don't know. But to me, it felt a bit off - it was difficult for me to rectify the fact that she was so upbeat while working for a group that has no problem systematically wiping entire cities off the face of the earth if the need arises. Odds are she's killed a lot of people while working for TEA. I'd suggest toning it down a little bit - you can keep the MC as-is, but maybe tone down how far TEA is willing to go in pursuit of eliminating a threat, in terms of collateral damage.

Plus, if you think about it, it doesn't really make sense for them to be okay with so much collateral damage. I'm assuming this group operates in the shadows and people don't know about it. If that's true, then it doesn't really make sense for them to be okay with wiping out an entire city, because that's the kind of thing the rest of the world would notice immediately and begin asking questions about, and that's not something you want if your goal is to keep the entire organization on the down-low.

Even if this group is operating out in the open, it still doesn't really make sense for them to be okay with this level of collateral damage. That's the kind of thing that gets groups shut down on a small-scale, imagine what it'd be like if there was some group going around doing it on a large-scale. If they're going around glassing entire cities, there wouldn't be any support for them from anyone, because that kind of collateral damage is completely unacceptable to everybody. They'd be shut down in the blink of an eye, in that case.

I guess my entire issue here is with that one line in the prologue. That one line raises several questions that you probably don't want raised (Why is this secret group allowed to operate like this? How powerful are they that they're allowed to get away with doing stuff like this? Why is someone like the protagonist even still working for them? How many innocent people has the protagonist killed before this? Can I even support someone who willingly works for a group that has potentially killed millions of innocent people and then written them all off after-the-fact?). Those are just a few things I was wondering as I was reading, and none of them are the kinds of questions that you want the reader to be wondering, because those aren't the kind of questions that endear them to your story, they're the kind of questions that get them to start wondering why they should care.

Thankfully, there's an easy fix - tone TEA down a bit. Remove that line about them being willing to wipe out entire cities, and the like. Make it more clear as to whether they're a secret organization nobody knows about, or if they're working in the open. Establish how much collateral damage is acceptable in order to complete a mission (As a hint, in the real world, the acceptable level of collateral damage for a military operation is zero, which is why collateral damage gets covered up when it happens - nobody wants to be the fall guy for a collateral damage incident because it's the kind of thing that at minimum ends your career, and at worst ends with you in a cell at Fort Leavenworth. I'm not saying you need to go to the same extent, in fact you shouldn't make it zero for TEA, but it also shouldn't be something they just don't care about).

Final thoughts: Keep pacing in mind - I honestly thought this story was written pretty well so far. The premise is certainly interesting. There are just a few things I think could be done to make it a bit more engaging. Keep pacing in mind as you're working. Remember that you don't need to front-load important information, you've got an entire book to communicate that stuff to the readers. Tone TEA down a bit in terms of collateral damage, because it clashes pretty heavily with the MC's personality so far.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope this feedback is able to help you in some way!

 

[Urmie]

Thank you for the story!

Alright, so the first thing that comes to mind here: Pacing. In this first chapter, you're throwing a lot of information at the reader. Take the passage about her lover, for example - that's kind of just thrown at the reader at the start of the first chapter. It's good information to know, don't get me wrong, but it feels like you're kind of deflating what could otherwise be a good question the reader might have. Especially since that question was set up in the prologue, IIRC - "Who was that man?" And then, one chapter later "Oh, he's probably her lover." Mystery pretty much solved.

My issue here isn't with the information itself, it's with the way it's being communicated to the reader. You don't want to answer questions like this too early - you have an entire book to set these questions up and eventually answer them. You want to leave some stuff to the reader's imagination, keep them guessing for awhile, and then hit them with the answer when it's appropriate.

Pacing is important, because it's what keeps the reader hooked. You need to be properly setting up tension and then releasing that tension throughout the story. Early in the story, you want to be hinting at things rather than outright stating them - get the reader to ask questions, because that's what gets them to keep following your story. Then, when the time is right, answer whatever questions they might have.

There's no hard-and-fast rule when it comes to pacing, it's just something you'll have to develop by feel over time. You'll develop a sense for it as time goes on. For now, it's something to keep in mind when you're writing.

Next thing I noticed:

"After all, she had been trained by this organisation since she was a child. Except for the first few years when she lived with her mother, her entire life had been built in and around the Agency. It was her occupation, her home, and her life. She shot through the ranks once she started actually working. Having her mentor among the Directors helped."

I hate to go back to the show vs tell advice, but it does apply here. These are all personality traits that we're better off seeing for ourselves rather than having the narration state them to us directly. Put her in a situation that lets us see just how devoted to her job she can be, and then we'll be able to infer the rest ourselves.

As for the content of the story itself, I'm not sure how important the backstory and setup are going to be. You spend a lot of time developing the Third Eye Agency in the prologue, at least from what I was able to skim. Then we get an entire first chapter that's just devoted to getting the main character to the new world. Are you planning on sending her back to the original world? Because if you're not, I can't help but wonder if you'd be better off starting the story at the point where she wakes up in the new world, and then giving a brief explanation of how she got there. My reasoning is this: If we're not going to go back to her original world, and there's no way the Agency can get to her, then all that time you spent developing them in the first few chapters doesn't really mean anything, right? In that case, if it really doesn't mean anything to the story, you're probably better off skipping it entirely and just starting at the point where she ends up in the new world. Then, we can have her backstory gradually explained to us throughout the rest of the story, whenever appropriate. That's just a thought I had, though - maybe you do intend to have the Agency come up again in some way, in which case, I'd still probably tone down a little bit of their development in the first chapters until later, but it certainly wouldn't be a bad thing to do a little up-front.

Also, a note on the character - TEA is written to be absolutely ruthless. It's stated in the prologue that they think nothing of wiping out entire cities, civilian population included, if a threat is drastic enough. And yet, the MC feels like she doesn't quite fit in terms of personality. You state that she's been raised in the organization from a very young age, and that it was basically her entire life, but she doesn't feel quite as ruthless as I'd expect. Maybe that's because we just haven't had a chance to really see her in action yet, but from what little we see of her, she has a lover, she excitedly yells a farewell to the pilot who's dropping her off, she's close with her mother, and she's at least considering believing in superstitions. Maybe it's just me, but that feels a little disconnected from the ruthless organization she works for. She feels downright genki compared to what's ultimately this shadowy anti-UN she's working for.

Maybe that's exactly what you're going for, I don't know. But to me, it felt a bit off - it was difficult for me to rectify the fact that she was so upbeat while working for a group that has no problem systematically wiping entire cities off the face of the earth if the need arises. Odds are she's killed a lot of people while working for TEA. I'd suggest toning it down a little bit - you can keep the MC as-is, but maybe tone down how far TEA is willing to go in pursuit of eliminating a threat, in terms of collateral damage.

Plus, if you think about it, it doesn't really make sense for them to be okay with so much collateral damage. I'm assuming this group operates in the shadows and people don't know about it. If that's true, then it doesn't really make sense for them to be okay with wiping out an entire city, because that's the kind of thing the rest of the world would notice immediately and begin asking questions about, and that's not something you want if your goal is to keep the entire organization on the down-low.

Even if this group is operating out in the open, it still doesn't really make sense for them to be okay with this level of collateral damage. That's the kind of thing that gets groups shut down on a small-scale, imagine what it'd be like if there was some group going around doing it on a large-scale. If they're going around glassing entire cities, there wouldn't be any support for them from anyone, because that kind of collateral damage is completely unacceptable to everybody. They'd be shut down in the blink of an eye, in that case.

I guess my entire issue here is with that one line in the prologue. That one line raises several questions that you probably don't want raised (Why is this secret group allowed to operate like this? How powerful are they that they're allowed to get away with doing stuff like this? Why is someone like the protagonist even still working for them? How many innocent people has the protagonist killed before this? Can I even support someone who willingly works for a group that has potentially killed millions of innocent people and then written them all off after-the-fact?). Those are just a few things I was wondering as I was reading, and none of them are the kinds of questions that you want the reader to be wondering, because those aren't the kind of questions that endear them to your story, they're the kind of questions that get them to start wondering why they should care.

Thankfully, there's an easy fix - tone TEA down a bit. Remove that line about them being willing to wipe out entire cities, and the like. Make it more clear as to whether they're a secret organization nobody knows about, or if they're working in the open. Establish how much collateral damage is acceptable in order to complete a mission (As a hint, in the real world, the acceptable level of collateral damage for a military operation is zero, which is why collateral damage gets covered up when it happens - nobody wants to be the fall guy for a collateral damage incident because it's the kind of thing that at minimum ends your career, and at worst ends with you in a cell at Fort Leavenworth. I'm not saying you need to go to the same extent, in fact you shouldn't make it zero for TEA, but it also shouldn't be something they just don't care about).

Final thoughts: Keep pacing in mind - I honestly thought this story was written pretty well so far. The premise is certainly interesting. There are just a few things I think could be done to make it a bit more engaging. Keep pacing in mind as you're working. Remember that you don't need to front-load important information, you've got an entire book to communicate that stuff to the readers. Tone TEA down a bit in terms of collateral damage, because it clashes pretty heavily with the MC's personality so far.

Thank you again for the story, and I hope this feedback is able to help you in some way!

Wow! First of all, thank you so much for such an in-depth analysis. I appreciate it.

About the lover. It never occurred to me to set him up as a mystery man because his being her lover will be relevant later in the story.

And about TEA, yes, they will be relevant later. Much later. Info dump isn't the best way to go about it but I just wanted to give a basic idea about them before they become just background information for a while until the time comes for them to come into play. That is also when I am hoping to slowly reveal relevant information about the organization. But to be clear, it is a supplementary organization of the UN. All their large-scale actions are basically sanctioned (not unless they are ABSOLUTELY necessary) and there are cover-ups. That is all I will say on the matter.

Should I still tone it down? Because extreme measures like blowing up cities is... rare, to say the least. I should have made that clear lol. And I suppose I should make a clearer explanation of exactly how secret they are. and how they can operate so.

And finally for Samaya herself. Yes, she is a bit softer compared to the organization she grew up in. Otherwise, I do not think I could make her adopt a boy off the streets. But she IS ruthless when needed. That is also something I was hoping to reveal as the story progresses. But I never thought of how her initial actions and/or thoughts might affect her character image. Should I try to make her a bit more somber? The screaming was just her basically screaming over the engines. And she's ... ah, not close with her mother, actually. Something that will be revealed in the next few chapters. There is a lot of backstory to be revealed later.

Once again, thank you for the feedback! I am trying to understand what I can adopt into the story and what won't work with my plans for the story. And thank you for saying my story is well-written and that you find the premise interesting. It means a lot to me!

 

[ObsequiumMinaris]

Wow! First of all, thank you so much for such an in-depth analysis. I appreciate it.

About the lover. It never occurred to me to set him up as a mystery man because his being her lover will be relevant later in the story.

And about TEA, yes, they will be relevant later. Much later. Info dump isn't the best way to go about it but I just wanted to give a basic idea about them before they become just background information for a while until the time comes for them to come into play. That is also when I am hoping to slowly reveal relevant information about the organization. But to be clear, it is a supplementary organization of the UN. All their large-scale actions are basically sanctioned (not unless they are ABSOLUTELY necessary) and there are cover-ups. That is all I will say on the matter.

Should I still tone it down? Because extreme measures like blowing up cities is... rare, to say the least. I should have made that clear lol. And I suppose I should make a clearer explanation of exactly how secret they are. and how they can operate so.

And finally for Samaya herself. Yes, she is a bit softer compared to the organization she grew up in. Otherwise, I do not think I could make her adopt a boy off the streets. But she IS ruthless when needed. That is also something I was hoping to reveal as the story progresses. But I never thought of how her initial actions and/or thoughts might affect her character image. Should I try to make her a bit more somber? The screaming was just her basically screaming over the engines. And she's ... ah, not close with her mother, actually. Something that will be revealed in the next few chapters. There is a lot of backstory to be revealed later.

Once again, thank you for the feedback! I am trying to understand what I can adopt into the story and what won't work with my plans for the story. And thank you for saying my story is well-written and that you find the premise interesting. It means a lot to me!

You are very welcome!

There's a lot I think you can do with her lover, if you're interested in something like that. First thing that comes to mind is maybe have her believe he's dead or something, or otherwise just have her believe she'll never see him again. Then when he appears later, it comes as a big surprise to both her and the audience. Especially if you're giving him an unusual or unexpected role within the story, too. And then, of course, you can have tension between the two of them based on the fact that they've been apart for so long - sure, they were in love once, but have they grown apart at all due to distance? Have they changed as characters between then and now? Has the MC maybe even started to accept that he's gone and started the process of getting over him? You don't have to do any of that, but they're things you can consider while working on him.

I would still suggest toning it down, since as you say, a lot of this stuff is covered up. The bigger the event, the harder the cover-up will be, and wiping an entire city off the map including the civilian population would be pretty hard if not impossible to cover up, especially if this is during the Internet age. My only gripe with them as an organization so far is the idea that they can wipe out an entire city and everyone in it and pretty much get away with it without anyone asking too many questions - I think that's a bit far-fetched, personally. And when I mention toning it down, it's basically entirely in relation to that one bit of information, which I felt was going a bit too far.

Let's think about this for a second - this is a UN-sanctioned organization, as you say. Their primary goal is to protect the earth no matter what. What threat could they face would be so dire that it necessitate destroying not just an entire city, but also everyone in it, civilians included? Keep in mind, whatever it is, it has to be even more of a threat than something that could destroy an entire city in the blink of an eye, because if it's not, then this organization is no better than whatever they were dispatched to deal with.

There's also the question of logistics. What goes into destroying an entire city and everyone in it? Well, you'd have to lock the entire place down first - nobody gets in or out, period. For that, you're going to need manpower, because you're going to have to shut down all the airports, all the highways and roads in and out of the city, all the docks, and anything else such as the subways, trains, sewer systems, etc. Then the people in the city are probably going to start trying to fight back and leave anyway, so you're going to need men for that, too. You're going to need to deploy so many troops that at this point secrecy goes entirely out the window - the whole world's going to notice at this point. You could just launch a nuke at the city and hope that levels it, but at that point, we've got a UN-sanctioned organization that's launching nukes of its own accord, which is arguably even more visible and even worse for the rest of the world than the alternative. To put this into perspective: If your UN-affiliated organization is able to launch nukes, there is literally nothing stopping them from usurping the UN at that point. They are officially their own sovereign government independent of the rest of the world, with the firepower and the will to use that firepower to back it up.

With all that in mind, I don't think there's really a good way to add the city-destroying thing and have it actually work in context. It's just too destructive, too visible to the rest of the world, and raises too many questions from the reader. I think you're best off to tone them down at least a little bit.

Personally, and this is just a suggestion, I'd try to make her a bit more somber. Consider what she's been through - her lover's missing and probably presumed dead at this point. She's been raised to fight for secret organization for most of her life. She's not close with her mother. She's probably fought and killed a lot of people. Depending on her age, she was possibly a child soldier for this organization at some point. I think it's good that you're keeping a lot of her backstory in reserve and planning to reveal it later - very good, in fact. I'd suggest maybe toning her personality down just a bit at the start, enough to make it clear that she's still a professional soldier. At the same time, she can still have her morals intact, which would be enough for her to adopt a child. Maybe that's where the backstory comes in a bit - she sees this kid on the streets and notices a lot more of herself in him than she'd like to admit, and decides to spare him a fate similar to hers (or worse) by taking him in temporarily, at least long enough that she can find him a proper home somewhere. Of course, "Temporarily" would fall by the wayside in time, but that'd be a way to set up the adoption while keeping her personality and backstory relatively intact.

These are just suggestions, of course - I'm not going to push you towards doing anything you don't want to do for your story, and it'd be wrong of me to try and do that. Ultimately, you should write the story you want to write.

 

[Urmie]

You are very welcome!

There's a lot I think you can do with her lover, if you're interested in something like that. First thing that comes to mind is maybe have her believe he's dead or something, or otherwise just have her believe she'll never see him again. Then when he appears later, it comes as a big surprise to both her and the audience. Especially if you're giving him an unusual or unexpected role within the story, too. And then, of course, you can have tension between the two of them based on the fact that they've been apart for so long - sure, they were in love once, but have they grown apart at all due to distance? Have they changed as characters between then and now? Has the MC maybe even started to accept that he's gone and started the process of getting over him? You don't have to do any of that, but they're things you can consider while working on him.

I would still suggest toning it down, since as you say, a lot of this stuff is covered up. The bigger the event, the harder the cover-up will be, and wiping an entire city off the map including the civilian population would be pretty hard if not impossible to cover up, especially if this is during the Internet age. My only gripe with them as an organization so far is the idea that they can wipe out an entire city and everyone in it and pretty much get away with it without anyone asking too many questions - I think that's a bit far-fetched, personally. And when I mention toning it down, it's basically entirely in relation to that one bit of information, which I felt was going a bit too far.

Let's think about this for a second - this is a UN-sanctioned organization, as you say. Their primary goal is to protect the earth no matter what. What threat could they face would be so dire that it necessitate destroying not just an entire city, but also everyone in it, civilians included? Keep in mind, whatever it is, it has to be even more of a threat than something that could destroy an entire city in the blink of an eye, because if it's not, then this organization is no better than whatever they were dispatched to deal with.

There's also the question of logistics. What goes into destroying an entire city and everyone in it? Well, you'd have to lock the entire place down first - nobody gets in or out, period. For that, you're going to need manpower, because you're going to have to shut down all the airports, all the highways and roads in and out of the city, all the docks, and anything else such as the subways, trains, sewer systems, etc. Then the people in the city are probably going to start trying to fight back and leave anyway, so you're going to need men for that, too. You're going to need to deploy so many troops that at this point secrecy goes entirely out the window - the whole world's going to notice at this point. You could just launch a nuke at the city and hope that levels it, but at that point, we've got a UN-sanctioned organization that's launching nukes of its own accord, which is arguably even more visible and even worse for the rest of the world than the alternative. To put this into perspective: If your UN-affiliated organization is able to launch nukes, there is literally nothing stopping them from usurping the UN at that point. They are officially their own sovereign government independent of the rest of the world, with the firepower and the will to use that firepower to back it up.

With all that in mind, I don't think there's really a good way to add the city-destroying thing and have it actually work in context. It's just too destructive, too visible to the rest of the world, and raises too many questions from the reader. I think you're best off to tone them down at least a little bit.

Personally, and this is just a suggestion, I'd try to make her a bit more somber. Consider what she's been through - her lover's missing and probably presumed dead at this point. She's been raised to fight for secret organization for most of her life. She's not close with her mother. She's probably fought and killed a lot of people. Depending on her age, she was possibly a child soldier for this organization at some point. I think it's good that you're keeping a lot of her backstory in reserve and planning to reveal it later - very good, in fact. I'd suggest maybe toning her personality down just a bit at the start, enough to make it clear that she's still a professional soldier. At the same time, she can still have her morals intact, which would be enough for her to adopt a child. Maybe that's where the backstory comes in a bit - she sees this kid on the streets and notices a lot more of herself in him than she'd like to admit, and decides to spare him a fate similar to hers (or worse) by taking him in temporarily, at least long enough that she can find him a proper home somewhere. Of course, "Temporarily" would fall by the wayside in time, but that'd be a way to set up the adoption while keeping her personality and backstory relatively intact.

These are just suggestions, of course - I'm not going to push you towards doing anything you don't want to do for your story, and it'd be wrong of me to try and do that. Ultimately, you should write the story you want to write.

Holy shit, you managed to glean more of my story from the first chapter than I thought possible. I won't say which parts though I suppose that's the perk of being an experienced writer/reviewer.

Thanks again for the detailed reply. I'll definitely take your points into account. Especially about my characterization and toning down TEA. I actually didn't take all of those things into account at all and looking back on it, I should have. These things may seem small but I can see how they can disturb the flow of the story. I appreciate the advice!

 

[ObsequiumMinaris]

Hello! My novel is pretty new, and I have yet to get any reviews. If you have the time, maybe come check it out? It's my first time writing a novel ever, so I can't tell what I'm doing right or wrong

Solomon’s Spectacular Stars

Theatreux, the glorious kingdom of spectacles, has fallen into shambles after a terrible tragedy. Civilians are living in fear as a dangerous threat lurks in the darkest alleyways of the streets. In one such alleyway, a certain individual wakes up with total amnesia. Cherry is a young lady who...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you for the story!

Alright, so the first thing I'm noticing here - the opening. You've done a good job so far of establishing interest. Right away, we've got a conflict that needs to be resolved - finding out who Cherry is and why she's missing her memories. That's good, because it gives the reader a reason to care right away.

If there's one thing I can call out immediately, though, it's that I thought the questions being asked of her probably went on a bit too long. You have Cherry being asked seven questions in total - I don't know if that number is intended to be significant later on, but if it's not, seven questions is probably overkill, especially since they're all pretty menial and are really just to establish that despite her missing memories, she's still capable of thinking. I think you could have gotten the same effect with three questions, and it wouldn't have dragged on the way it did.

Next, content. There's a lot of content here for a first chapter, which is good, but a lot of it is just establishing information. You have Cherry waking up and determining that her memories are missing, then you introduce the other supporting characters, they inform her that they need to leave because someone is spying on them, and then they leave. And that's pretty much the first chapter in a nutshell. What I'm getting at here is that I feel like there could have been something with a bit more substance here if you'd cut the questions down from seven to three and maybe moved some of other information - the supporting characters and their names, for instance - to maybe a chapter or two in the future. I think you might have been better served doing more to establish the danger the characters are in right from the start rather than spending so much time introducing other characters. This story is tagged as a thriller, after all, so danger is the name of the game.

That being said, I don't think your approach was bad or anything like that. The information we got was still good, and your opening scene was effective that I think people would be willing to keep reading, but for future thrillers, I think it might help the tone of the story if you were able to do something to establish the risk or the danger the protagonist is facing from the get-go. You don't anything super major, just something small to show that there is going to be something bad that happens if they stick around. The mechanical raven was a good attempt at this, but I thought it fell a bit short since it didn't really do anything and there weren't really any immediate consequences for shooting it down. The ending scene could have rectified this by showing a horde of ravens taking flight towards them from further away, followed by them all having to run for their lives or something like that, but instead it just kinda ends with a warning from one of the characters, which felt a little abrupt to me.

It also doesn't help that the other characters are actually pretty casual about the whole thing in terms of their dialog. Sure, they tell us that there's danger and they have to leave, but there's not really much urgency with the way it's told. They're content to sit there, ask her seven questions, introduce themselves to her, argue a bit first, and then emphasize that they need to leave. The whole time, I was thinking to myself "If they're in danger and need to leave, then why are they doing all this now when they should be running?" Again, the information provided here was good, but it felt a bit out-of-place since they supposedly can't stick around for long.

Next up:

""That's absolute bull****! We've been framed!""

I discussed this in another post, but I'll reiterate here: don't censor yourself like this, it really draws the audience out of it. Either write the swear out fully or use a lesser swear if you're not comfortable doing that, but don't censor a harsh one, since it really breaks the flow of the story. You actually had a pretty good flow going throughout the chapter, but then the censor hit, and it took me off-guard.

Final thoughts: Your opening was pretty effective and your story actually is pretty well-written, but it'd probably help if you sold the sense of danger a bit more in this opening chapter. Also, don't censor harsh swears, either write it out or use a less harsh one.

Thanks again for the story, and I hope this feedback is able to help you in some way!