「Glimps of Eternity」
But instead, he was here, forced to escort the visitors since he was one of the only common points of contact. Since Reivan was Vianna's son, the task naturally fell to him.
It definitely wasn't because his sister was stronger than him.
「It is always a rule of thumb to reiterate certain points—even if it has been said in past chapters—to make the flow of information clearer for the readers. Was Viktor scared of her strength?"—if true, then this point should be said. Especially since the sentence below was a sudden "veto" that isn't really relevant especially because the main reason was already told unless
("But being Vianna's son doesn't mean he has to follow through with the task, or could it be because she was stronger than him?
No, that definitely wasn't because his sister was stronger than him.") or something.」
Viktor's ears twitched, and after a moment, a fully-armored knight flew down from above and respectfully saluted him.
「"Twitched" is a very out-of-nowhere action, if it expresses a certain keen sense, then it should be expanded in a form that shows so. First, there should be good details about the armor causing distorted sounds and the speed of the fully-armored knight's fall due to the weight because they add to the engagement of the storytelling. Lastly, the story almost always lacks good detail and one of my recommendations is to "incorporate all the senses into each scene, not just sight and sound."」
Viktor sat down as he gestured across the table at the seat opposite him. "Please take a seat, chief Mikachi."
「Wrong grammar. Do you mean, ("Viktor aims his gestures across the table as he sat down on the opposite seat towards Chief Mikachi,") and also, make sure the pronouns were already defined previously before using them because it doesn't make the story mysterious, it just makes the story confusing. Unless "if" the person wasn't meant to be revealed until there is enough proof to say so.」
"Thank you." A beautiful woman replied as she sat down, making sure to bend over just enough to give Viktor a generous view of the bountiful decolletage peeking out of her brown dress.
「Using hard-to-decode vocabulary will confuse readers especially if your audience is very general. Or if anything, add an em dash or comma, defining the word itself if you still want it in the paragraph.」
Viktor cursed the brown-haired cat-woman in his mind, but he still did not look away. Getting any sort of reaction out of him was just what she wanted; it was better to silently pretend as if nothing happened.
In fact, it was better to double down and just brazenly stare straight at her cleavage.
How was it better, Viktor wasn't quite sure but this was what he wanted to do — this was what any man would've wanted to do if they were in his shoes.
「There is a better way to make it readable and evoke more emotions of this temptation and exhilaration that was expressed—but my recommendation would just be to paraphrase. In addition, some of the words are confusing and need to be clarified in a much better descriptive way. Another recommendation would be about the third sentence and the second sentence switching positions.
E.g. ("Viktor cursingly expressed annoyance but his visions stated otherwise towards those otherworldly bosoms. This resolute response was all a part of her plan, carried out in an act of pure naivety.
It was a powerful enticement for Viktor, and influenced by it, his values warped and he wanted to commit to a potentially risky plan of brazenly looking straight toward her cleavage.
What's with this feeling?
Viktor wasn't quite sure of these overflowing emotions getting into him but it almost felt like this was his ultimate goal—a goal that any man would've wanted to do if they were in his shoes.")」
"It wasn't the human race that invented this..." He puffed out his chest, pride filling his voice. "It was Aizen. The country I serve."
「Wrong grammar. Must be past tense. Remember, action words after a dialogue will narratively be fixed on that alone. So basically, this is telling me that after he puffed his chest, his pride was "filling" his voice but the past tense "puffed" informs that the dialogue before that was already said.」
"Don't call me that," Viktor spat, his expression cold. But his face soon fell as he reminisced about the past. "We lost our right to be called that when we fled our nation as it burned to the ground."
「Wrong grammar. "his expression cold" is not a descriptive sentence and is wrong and "his face soon fell" doesn't tell much about his emotions and is also phrased wrong.」
The air around the two warbeasts quivered as they stared each other down, fangs bared. Their limbs pulsed with power as veins squirmed on them, ready to propel the warriors toward their enemy's throat. Frosty mist rushed out of Viktor's mouth as he huffed, while the fragrance surrounding the room was replaced with an earthly odor as dust began to fill the room.
「The flow of information is everywhere, and the way they are told is confusing. Paraphrase.」
「Uses too many "told" words that end with -ed and -ly. Furthermore, the lack of details makes the story lackluster.」
「The dialogues are often unrealistic, but maybe a good "mirror-talk" or "conversational references" can help improve them.」
「Also, this is just my preference as a reader, but it would be better if the monologue just stayed with italics only.」
Overall, the story is bearable and fun to read.
「An Author's Survival Guide」
In the end, even after the spell wore off, Luna kept on needling him to list out the cosplays he liked the most.
「Better way to create a good structure of the sentence and "needling" can mean two things so make it specific for the readers.」
「Too many mistakes I would usually point all of them out but I'll just generally state some advice.
As some of the advice I pointed out in the other stories, some of them can be applied here too.
If it's narrative, please stay formal—not using contracted words, opinions, and anything that a monologue would do. Separate both narrative and monologue too.」
The story is okay... I guess but it really isn't for everyone. In addition, I didn't want to keep pointing out the same mistakes so my bad if this was some short feedback.
