Motsu's free editing and feedback thread!

Africanchieftainsson

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「Glimps of Eternity」
But instead, he was here, forced to escort the visitors since he was one of the only common points of contact. Since Reivan was Vianna's son, the task naturally fell to him.

It definitely wasn't because his sister was stronger than him.

「It is always a rule of thumb to reiterate certain points—even if it has been said in past chapters—to make the flow of information clearer for the readers. Was Viktor scared of her strength?"—if true, then this point should be said. Especially since the sentence below was a sudden "veto" that isn't really relevant especially because the main reason was already told unless
("But being Vianna's son doesn't mean he has to follow through with the task, or could it be because she was stronger than him?
No, that definitely wasn't because his sister was stronger than him.
") or something.」


Viktor's ears twitched, and after a moment, a fully-armored knight flew down from above and respectfully saluted him.
「"Twitched" is a very out-of-nowhere action, if it expresses a certain keen sense, then it should be expanded in a form that shows so. First, there should be good details about the armor causing distorted sounds and the speed of the fully-armored knight's fall due to the weight because they add to the engagement of the storytelling. Lastly, the story almost always lacks good detail and one of my recommendations is to "incorporate all the senses into each scene, not just sight and sound."」

Viktor sat down as he gestured across the table at the seat opposite him. "Please take a seat, chief Mikachi."
「Wrong grammar. Do you mean, ("Viktor aims his gestures across the table as he sat down on the opposite seat towards Chief Mikachi,") and also, make sure the pronouns were already defined previously before using them because it doesn't make the story mysterious, it just makes the story confusing. Unless "if" the person wasn't meant to be revealed until there is enough proof to say so.」

"Thank you." A beautiful woman replied as she sat down, making sure to bend over just enough to give Viktor a generous view of the bountiful decolletage peeking out of her brown dress.
「Using hard-to-decode vocabulary will confuse readers especially if your audience is very general. Or if anything, add an em dash or comma, defining the word itself if you still want it in the paragraph.」

Viktor cursed the brown-haired cat-woman in his mind, but he still did not look away. Getting any sort of reaction out of him was just what she wanted; it was better to silently pretend as if nothing happened.

In fact, it was
better to double down and just brazenly stare straight at her cleavage.

How was it better, Viktor wasn't quite sure but this was what he wanted to do — this was what any man would've wanted to do if they were in his shoes.
「There is a better way to make it readable and evoke more emotions of this temptation and exhilaration that was expressed—but my recommendation would just be to paraphrase. In addition, some of the words are confusing and need to be clarified in a much better descriptive way. Another recommendation would be about the third sentence and the second sentence switching positions.

E.g. ("Viktor cursingly expressed annoyance but his visions stated otherwise towards those otherworldly bosoms. This resolute response was all a part of her plan, carried out in an act of pure naivety.

It was a powerful enticement for Viktor, and influenced by it, his values warped and he wanted to commit to a potentially risky plan of brazenly looking straight toward her cleavage.

What's with this feeling?

Viktor wasn't quite sure of these overflowing emotions getting into him but it almost felt like this was his ultimate goal—a goal that any man would've wanted to do if they were in his shoes.
")」


"It wasn't the human race that invented this..." He puffed out his chest, pride filling his voice. "It was Aizen. The country I serve."
「Wrong grammar. Must be past tense. Remember, action words after a dialogue will narratively be fixed on that alone. So basically, this is telling me that after he puffed his chest, his pride was "filling" his voice but the past tense "puffed" informs that the dialogue before that was already said.」

"Don't call me that,"
Viktor spat, his expression cold. But his face soon fell as he reminisced about the past. "We lost our right to be called that when we fled our nation as it burned to the ground."
「Wrong grammar. "his expression cold" is not a descriptive sentence and is wrong and "his face soon fell" doesn't tell much about his emotions and is also phrased wrong.」

The air around the two warbeasts quivered as they stared each other down, fangs bared. Their limbs pulsed with power as veins squirmed on them, ready to propel the warriors toward their enemy's throat. Frosty mist rushed out of Viktor's mouth as he huffed, while the fragrance surrounding the room was replaced with an earthly odor as dust began to fill the room.
「The flow of information is everywhere, and the way they are told is confusing. Paraphrase.」

「Uses too many "told" words that end with -ed and -ly. Furthermore, the lack of details makes the story lackluster.」
「The dialogues are often unrealistic, but maybe a good "mirror-talk" or "conversational references" can help improve them.」
「Also, this is just my preference as a reader, but it would be better if the monologue just stayed with italics only.」


Overall, the story is bearable and fun to read.



「An Author's Survival Guide」

In the end, even after the spell wore off, Luna kept on needling him to list out the cosplays he liked the most.
「Better way to create a good structure of the sentence and "needling" can mean two things so make it specific for the readers.」

「Too many mistakes I would usually point all of them out but I'll just generally state some advice.
As some of the advice I pointed out in the other stories, some of them can be applied here too.
If it's narrative, please stay formal—not using contracted words, opinions, and anything that a monologue would do. Separate both narrative and monologue too.」


The story is okay... I guess but it really isn't for everyone. In addition, I didn't want to keep pointing out the same mistakes so my bad if this was some short feedback.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/597051/unravel-the-world/ If you're not too busy
 

Motsu

Game Lead Programmer x WebAppSoft
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Uh, I have a question though... I thought you'd do this for the first chapter unless it was specified, but you did it for my latest ones..

I was just surprised.
True. I almost either do the first chapter or the last chapter after reading them both—but I guess I didn't actually add the latter.
 

Motsu

Game Lead Programmer x WebAppSoft
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This looks fun. I'd love feedback on one of the action sequences in my story. Getting detailed feedback like this is a rare chance, and I'd love to see what you say I'm doing right and what I should work on improving.

So, if you're interested would you do Chapter 21 and 22 (Fog of War Parts 1-4) of ShipCore? The sequence is 5000 words so its right at the edge of your upper limit.
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/265541-shipcore/chapter/601900/
「ShipCore」

Alex had pulled a an MRE packet of chili mac while in CIC.
「First-appearing acronyms must be fully spelled with or without acronyms in parenthesis since it's confusing for other readers who don't know what they mean. And especially since they are iterated (Only use acronyms unless the word is commonly used on a global level). E.g. Cost Liable Railroad // (CLR)」

“I still can’t believe the port master just granted us clearance like that. Things must be pretty shift-shod around here, more than I thought possible.”
「Phrased incorrectly and avoid using non-vocabulary words. Do you mean, "Security around here is pretty laid-back than what I expected"?」

Alex tried to feel optimistic, “The station isn’t armed, maybe they just don’t want trouble. Seems like we are pretty far from civilization and there aren’t any authorities here, so they probably take in anyone who isn’t shooting at them.”

Elis didn't look convinced, “Maybe, but something does feel off about this.”

Alex paused with a spoon halfway to her mouth, looking at the console for a second, “Nameless has there been any activity?”
「"Tried to feel optimistic" and "Didn't look convinced" are lacking in details when it comes to the narrative point. Aside from dialogues, there are certain facial structures or movements that indicate this too, and add more details and engagement for the story.
E.g. ("Alex's corner of her mouth went upward and displayed a sense of relief, " and "Elis' eyebrow bend downward with shifty eyes, skeptical towards her words,") or something along the line.」


Alex
frowned, “All that?

Elis shook her head, “There are going to be a lot of people mad at you. Basically, they are getting the
hell out of dodge because they think there is something is going to go down.”
「Phrased incorrectly.
You mean,
("Alex scowls in displeasure, "That's it?"

Elis slowly moves her head from side to side, "That's it?! There's gonna be a lot of people furious at you, and they're on their way out of here because they think this place is gonna hit the fan, Alex!"") or something like that.」

[Informative: Formation above the station predates transponder activation. EM signature analysis and intelligence has pegged them as three small mining rigs and a possible light drone tender. Shortly after transponder activation, all four began active pinging of our ship, however, the power levels of the sensor were well below warship standard.]
「"pegged" is not a vocabulary-friendly word, I recommend switching to general words such as "categorize" since it only has two common meanings aside from the informal and sports terms. Grammatical errors, such as not using commas after an "adverb-preposition-subject" since they introduce a soft pause for readers and clarity of the structure.」


If she attempted to burn directly away, it would take the Tears of Fire so long to cut its current velocity that they would be overtaken. The hostile task group had timed things so that if they tried to burn perpendicularly, the Tears wouldn’t have been able to curve its trajectory enough to avoid an engagement.
「Clarify "burn" in a way that fits the paragraph because it can be taken out of context or just another word. It sounds as if she attempted to burn herself instead of attempting to execute "at maximum speed" directly away.」

He had shaken the poor port master for the money tree that he was, as hard as he had dared. Not only had he got them their pay and a bonus, but a more lucrative long-term contract that had better benefits, too. That blasted hothead Captain Harris had almost spoiled his negotiations. The woman cared for her crew, and had a sound tactical mind, but her discipline and hot anger were major failings in his opinion. The company was certainly not ready for him to retire.
「The flow of information is everywhere—from the port master to Harris, and to the woman—and if they are connected in a single subject then try to implement them while highlighting the connections. If they have completely different subjects, make a separate paragraph for them. Furthermore, needs a paraphrase.」

「Show, not tell—and even if not applied all the time, it's okay. Although, I really recommend it because it helps improves the storytelling and engagement of the story. Avoid using too many words ending in -ed and -ly as much as possible」
「Some of the paragraphs are a little hard to read so paraphrasing them and formulating a good flow of information is what I'd recommend.」
「Expressing more emotions within the dialogue by making use of the person's characteristics and putting it to a more practical use.」
 

Erios909

Well-known member
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Oct 15, 2020
Messages
108
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「ShipCore」

Alex had pulled a an MRE packet of chili mac while in CIC.
「First-appearing acronyms must be fully spelled with or without acronyms in parenthesis since it's confusing for other readers who don't know what they mean. And especially since they are iterated (Only use acronyms unless the word is commonly used on a global level). E.g. Cost Liable Railroad // (CLR)」

“I still can’t believe the port master just granted us clearance like that. Things must be pretty shift-shod around here, more than I thought possible.”
「Phrased incorrectly and avoid using non-vocabulary words. Do you mean, "Security around here is pretty laid-back than what I expected"?」

Alex tried to feel optimistic, “The station isn’t armed, maybe they just don’t want trouble. Seems like we are pretty far from civilization and there aren’t any authorities here, so they probably take in anyone who isn’t shooting at them.”

Elis didn't look convinced, “Maybe, but something does feel off about this.”

Alex paused with a spoon halfway to her mouth, looking at the console for a second, “Nameless has there been any activity?”
「"Tried to feel optimistic" and "Didn't look convinced" are lacking in details when it comes to the narrative point. Aside from dialogues, there are certain facial structures or movements that indicate this too, and add more details and engagement for the story.
E.g. ("Alex's corner of her mouth went upward and displayed a sense of relief, " and "Elis' eyebrow bend downward with shifty eyes, skeptical towards her words,") or something along the line.」


Alex frowned, “All that?

Elis shook her head, “There are going to be a lot of people mad at you. Basically, they are getting the
hell out of dodge because they think there is something is going to go down.”
「Phrased incorrectly.
You mean,
("Alex scowls in displeasure, "That's it?"

Elis slowly moves her head from side to side, "That's it?! There's gonna be a lot of people furious at you, and they're on their way out of here because they think this place is gonna hit the fan, Alex!"") or something like that.」

[Informative: Formation above the station predates transponder activation. EM signature analysis and intelligence has pegged them as three small mining rigs and a possible light drone tender. Shortly after transponder activation, all four began active pinging of our ship, however, the power levels of the sensor were well below warship standard.]
「"pegged" is not a vocabulary-friendly word, I recommend switching to general words such as "categorize" since it only has two common meanings aside from the informal and sports terms. Grammatical errors, such as not using commas after an "adverb-preposition-subject" since they introduce a soft pause for readers and clarity of the structure.」


If she attempted to burn directly away, it would take the Tears of Fire so long to cut its current velocity that they would be overtaken. The hostile task group had timed things so that if they tried to burn perpendicularly, the Tears wouldn’t have been able to curve its trajectory enough to avoid an engagement.
「Clarify "burn" in a way that fits the paragraph because it can be taken out of context or just another word. It sounds as if she attempted to burn herself instead of attempting to execute "at maximum speed" directly away.」

He had shaken the poor port master for the money tree that he was, as hard as he had dared. Not only had he got them their pay and a bonus, but a more lucrative long-term contract that had better benefits, too. That blasted hothead Captain Harris had almost spoiled his negotiations. The woman cared for her crew, and had a sound tactical mind, but her discipline and hot anger were major failings in his opinion. The company was certainly not ready for him to retire.
「The flow of information is everywhere—from the port master to Harris, and to the woman—and if they are connected in a single subject then try to implement them while highlighting the connections. If they have completely different subjects, make a separate paragraph for them. Furthermore, needs a paraphrase.」

「Show, not tell—and even if not applied all the time, it's okay. Although, I really recommend it because it helps improves the storytelling and engagement of the story. Avoid using too many words ending in -ed and -ly as much as possible」
「Some of the paragraphs are a little hard to read so paraphrasing them and formulating a good flow of information is what I'd recommend.」
「Expressing more emotions within the dialogue by making use of the person's characteristics and putting it to a more practical use.」
Thanks for taking the time to do this!
 

RainingSky

Coffee lover (addict)
Joined
Aug 8, 2021
Messages
117
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83
Jippies, feedback is always welcome :)

If you were so kind to review chapter 7-8 that would be very nice of you, since each chap is like 2K words long is should still be in your word limit. It may be a bit confusing at some parts since there is a bit of plot and the character introductions that are beforehand but it should still be fine.

We the Villains

Anyway thanks a lot in advance.
 

Motsu

Game Lead Programmer x WebAppSoft
Joined
Jun 24, 2020
Messages
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Points
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Good morning/evening

I've seen a few of these feedback threads, but have ben unsure. I think it would be best to get the feedback, but I don't know where to ask. Ill give a few options, and let you pick. Each chapter is between 1300-2000 words, so they will be in 2 chapter chunks.

Chapter 7-8 MC gets Class for which book is named after. (bdsm smut with magic. R-18)
Chapter 17-18 Time with a fairy she rescued. (R-18)
Chapter 21-22 MC Gets revenge with potentially devastating consequences. (unpleasant visuals. R-18)

Enchantrix: On a New World Glossary | Scribble Hub
「Enchantrix: On a New World Glossary [7-8]」
“Well, that was amazing. I really needed that. It's worth a cloak at least. I could explain the theory behind my simple enchantments for you as well.” Jinni was flushed and a little breathy.
「Explain in a shown better way. "Flushed" can mean a lot of things and "little breathy" is too vague without any supporting details.」

She reached over and tried to pick it up, but it wasn't moving. She accidentally touched a part of a finger to part of the rune circle. Her hand was now stuck. “Yes, this is quite a bit of magic. Now… how do I get my finger off?”
「Phrased incorrectly, you mean, ("By chance, a part of her finger came in contact with the rune circle, consequently connecting without any means of detaching.")?」

“I smirked. "Now I would have you trapped if I were some ne'er do well." I rubbed a hand down her neck, pretending to have a hungry look. Then I smile. "Good thing I'm not. Hyacinthe.” Immediately, the paper stopped sticking with the command word spoken.
「First, "I smirked" is not a part of the dialogue.

Second, please explain "pretending to have a hungry look" in better detail since the readers don't know what this "hungry look" looks like.

Third, the paper or the finger?—I suggest including both of them to imply how the ability works. Furthermore, stop sticking to what?—I suggest always being clear instead of relying on past details.」


Under her breath, "I wouldn't mind being trapped by you." In a normal tone, “Yes, it would make quite a trap. I think the substance you used made it easier for the mana to adhere. It takes a while longer to imbue mana without a medium. That is effectively what enchantment is. I used my Inscribing tool to imbue mana directly into the cloth to enchant it with a sigil of protection. I hear if you have more runes like an enhancement rune and a gathering rune, it can work more like a shield that lasts until broken. I just make my protective garments. It's what I like to do,” She explained. That answered most of the questions that I had about it. I just had one more.
「"Under her breath," and "In a normal tone," are incomplete narrating phrases without any adjectives (said, claimed, announced, etc...).

Second, short one-line statements make the speaker sound like a robot and also ruin the flow of information, so I suggest making them into a paragraph with clear structures. A "mirror-talk" or "conversation references" would be better to make the dialogue better. Whatsoever, if that is your intent, then that's fine.

Third, separate the narrative and monologue or just italicize the monologue if you want to keep it in the same paragraph.」


“Where might I get one of those inscribing tools? Does quality matter?” I was very interested, and it showed on my face.
「Please clarify "Showed on my face" because if the character glanced at his face, then it should be in detail not in a vague phrase.」

The general goods trader wanted most of the money I had, but I was sure I could make it all back within a day or 2. I went back to Jinni and asked for a pair of gloves. She let me have them for a single coin then told me to shoo so she could finish my clothes. It seems it was time to try enchanting. I need some kind of weapon before I try my hand at monster hunting.
「Rewrite the first sentence of the word for clarity. "Told me to shoo" is phrased incorrectly. Is it a verb or an exclamation? Please revise.」

During the rest of my afternoon, I figured out how to enchant a glove. It’s too bad for Jet that he caused me to lose control during my experiment. I was hyper-focused on writing a set of three runes on a piece of paper, and he evidently didn’t recognize how close he was. I shifted slightly, and he touched me, I screamed and lost control of the mana flow.
「The verbs are used incorrectly and the flow of information, especially the pacing is not good. E.g. ("As I changed the position of my body, we came in conflict with each other causing me to let out a scream before losing control of the mana's flow.")」

I did forget he was there, and I may have been the one to touch him. Still, he shouldn’t have been that close. Burns are also quite displeasing. The unraveling of mana is like a battery fire. Lots of energy expelled at once. Writing with mana is treacherous business, and once it starts unraveling you are, quite literally, in the fire.
「As I said, avoid using short one-line statements because they are incomplete when they are in a paragraph and the flow of information is not clear to the readers. E.g. ("Yes, I may have forgotten that he was there and I was also partly responsible for touching him but still, he shouldn't have been that close. Mana that frees itself from an entanglement is subject to expelling lots of energy at once which is like a battery fire. It's dangerous and the burns it inflicts are also quite physically uncomfortable.")

Also, who is "you"? Is the author's intent to break the fourth wall? Otherwise, don't use personal pronouns that are aimed toward the readers.」


No more burns, but Jet needs some TLC for scaring me.
「Spell out TLC completely, especially, if the acronym has been used for the first time in a chapter.」

He did not know where this was going, he just looked a little hopeful, and I started to feel his arousal. He did as he was instructed, while I cleared off except for one of the gloves and the inscriber. Just before he was laid down, I told him to remove his attire. I felt his excitement now, he was smiling and a friend was rising up as if to say "Hi". I pulled my sweatshirt from my inventory and put it over his face saying “no looking.” He started to get a confused look before I couldn’t see his face. He reached for the sweatshirt, but I repeated more firmly, “No Looking. Put your hands above your head without removing my garment.”
「Needs to be revised. The structure of the paragraph is wrong and the way every statement is phrased is confusing for the readers. Needs to "show, not tell" and the flow of information must be clearly done.
E.g. ("
Jet had no idea what was going to happen, but he did have a smile that indicated his inspiring optimism. Not too long and I started to feel his very strong sexual desire. He followed each of my instructions as I empty the room except for my gloves and inscriber.

As he lay down, I formally asked him to remove his attire. His enthusiasm and eagerness skyrocketed as the corners of his mouth went upward and a "friend" rose as if wanting to greet me. I drew out a sweatshirt from my inventory before putting it over his face and softly said beside his ears, "No looking."

His eyebrow sloped down and confusion struck before his face was out of my sight. Again, he tried reaching for my sweatshirt, but I increasingly repeated in a firm and playful voice, "If you follow my every command... I'll give you something you can't resist. So, no looking, Jet."
") Anyway, it was fun recreating it, but this is one of the examples. Feel free to copy and modify it.」

“Sweet Jet. Sweet delicious Jet. For your reward of course. Soothing the burn was amazing,” I said in a too-sweet voice. He was oblivious. “Now, no more talking. Just do as I say.” I am beginning to enjoy this. Such sweet authority over someone. I look down, and his sword was starting to wilt, so I started brushing my hand down one leg before moving it to the side a little and putting a binding sheet below his calf. I placed a binding sheet under the other calf before trailing fingers up his leg, and around the rising erection. I lifted his ass up, and his body went rigid, but I slipped the paper below his ass.
「Please describe "oblivious" in a better way using either sense of sight or hearing. Second, please separate the monologue and narrative or just italicize the monologue as I said. Also, needs paraphrasing and there is a better way of writing the paragraph just like the example from above.」

He couldn’t contain himself as he asked, “What are you doing?” He clearly didn’t remember the rule. I remained silent. I was almost done preparing. “Ria?” he was shivering a bit. Probably from my fingers trailing up his stomach, around a nipple, and up an arm. Dragging his hands together above his head, I took out the final sheet.

“You see,” I started to monologue, “You did great healing my burn, and putting out the fire,” I pause for a beat, “Buuuut you also frightened me. So this is for me. I’m sure you will enjoy it too, but I need to feel better after you caused the accident. I didn't want you moving, and We both know you can't really hold still on your own, so I used magic. I also need to finish enchanting, and don’t want you to accidentally ruin a second attempt."

His manhood was at
half-staff. I couldn’t have that, so I resolved to get make him fully erect again. I leaned my head down and started to lick. I brushed my tongue up his length tasting his smooth texture. He stopped moving again, clearly confused. “I am very confused.” His obvious statement didn't stop me. I continued my tongues journey around his silky smoothness till he was rock hard.

Now I took off my panties and placed them where I would be able to reach them. I took the end table and placed it so it straddled his chest where I could easily reach it after I mounted him. I was getting excited. Why was this so erotic? I was going to do magic with a man inside me. The thought sent bolts of erotic pleasure through me. I had read so many books about a guy dominating a woman, and a couple where women have all of the control, but none of them tried to do magic during the act. I was feeling giddy and aroused beyond belief. I decided the stern tone was best for the mood, “You will hold still and be quiet, or I will have to gag you,” I cautioned. “These gloves will be to help us hunt monsters, and I don’t need you distracting me.”

I started grinding him slowly, feeling everything we both could feel. The gripping sensation of my body on his taught erection. The fullness of him inside me. It was exactly what I wanted. I wanted him at the edge of climax before I started so I kept moving, closing my eyes and grinding my lovely sensitive jewel against his groin with his rigid hardness filling me up. Not more than a minute later, the precipice of climax was approaching, so I slowed. Keeping the edge of climax right there, not letting it go over, it was time to enchant.

What a wall of text. Time to read. A merged class? Sounds great. Classes used defining attributes? That probably means I couldn't get the fighter class or something like that with my kind of strength. I got the first for a maximum rarity class! EEEE.
Sensation bubbles up in me. I was moving around. Hold still or he is going to blow his load too early. Focus Ria!

That's 2 special rewards. I wonder what they will be. I understand that I did something unheard of, but what else was I going to do? Not enchant? It may be unorthodox, but nobody ever? Double rewards are great. Not complaining here.
I start to feel some sensation building again. Apparently, I was moving my hips around again. I hold still so my ride doesn't explode. He was twitching, but he wasn't able to make himself move enough to finish. I ignore the almost desperate moans and go completely still.

「Blue — 「Lack of details. Unclear vocabulary—describe clearly. Follow "Show, not tell". Separate monologues and narrative.」
Green — Revise. Paraphrase. Make it better. Refer to past advice.」 」

「—Bad Paragraph Dumping...」


I am floored again by something I have never seen before. a description of ability. I lean down, putting my torso under the end table, lightly brushing Jet with the fullness of my breasts, and whisper to him. "This will take a minute, I haven't forgotten you." All I hear in response is a small moan, so I squeeze my pelvic muscles and feel the sensation of pressure on his trembling ****. Such ecstasy. His shaft is pleasantly snug, so I address the fact that the system answered my question. That is new and amazing. FOCUS, I should finish reading the notification. I bounce up and down in excitement before I realize he was getting close again. I stopped sheepishly. "Sorry! I was just getting a bit excited," not feeling apologetic in the slightest, but still letting his raging hard-on settle a bit. No need for a mishap.

I resumed reading. Denser mana for my enchantments sounds good, but i can share the burden with others? Sounds like, ahh yes, the next line. "This sharing for an enchantress can be invoked by beings entirely focused on you." That sounds like Jet at the moment. Could I use his mana? I will have to test. That focus can take many forms. Does that mean that people watching can be drawn on for power? This sounds like I may have to get more than Jet if I want to do bigger enchantments. I was contemplating this information for a bit. Now, I can't let Jet think I forgot him, so slid his length almost out, and slid him back in, slowly filling myself up again. I am at the edge as well, and can't let the feeling overwhelm me. This ocean of sensation is being held back by my force of will alone. It's electrifying and exhilarating, balancing at the tip of a climax.

That sounds great. I already got to see about Magical Matrices. This is so exciting. I finally get some explanations on these skills. I was bouncing again, and I forced myself to stop, and slowly grind our way back to the edge of nirvana. It was too easy to get excited, and the sensations were perfect, just the balance I want. I used to edge myself back on earth, and this is so much more satisfying. It's not time for either of our climaxes, no matter how much he whines. I wasn't going to let his punishment end so quickly. He was at the precipice so I stopped moving.

I took a full minute to gather myself while sliding the tips of my fingers along the planes of his chest. The throbbing desperation of the shaft filling me up had calmed a bit, so I decided it was time for some more fun. I slid my hips forward slowly, feeling every sensation. His head almost exited. I felt the swollen tip around my swollen lips. I wanted just the tip right now, so I pushed over the mushroom head till it was just inside my swells, and pulled back till he was just touching.
"This is BLISS," I thought as I slowly moved his tip in... then out... in... then out. He built up way too fast, so I stopped for a moment. Just long enough to slip all the way back and not send him over the edge and decided to keep reading.

Holy cow. That is weird. I suppose it's advantageous. If I eat plenty, it will be stored for later. Guess I can eat whatever I want now. This isn't weird, it's fantastic. Extradimensional Organs and Adaptive body... I can't drown, I can eat whatever I want, and I can go wherever I damn well please. That took a minute to take in, so Jet's manhood was ready for more, so I go to town, grinding around him, pushing my little nub down into his pelvis vigorously for a minute. He doesn't appear to be building tolerance. He seems to be getting quicker and quicker to want to spill inside me. Forced to stop AGAIN, I glair at him. "This is supposed to be for me," I point a finger threateningly as he groans, and I could feel his throbbing desire NOT ebbing. I am having too much fun with him.

He earned this. Every moment of his longing for release is bliss. It's time for enchanting. I reach out, and it's surprisingly effortless. The runes I wanted to use for a flame seem to write themselves. I try to focus on using Jet for writing. I can pull his mana and stamina. I might be able to take more. Maybe I found a workaround. I focus on draining stamina from his quaking erection. He doesnt seem to be able to climax while being drained that way. I am drawing the runes on the gloves. While I'm doing that, I move up and down unhurriedly. He starts to climb faster than I can drain him. I decide to begin grinding down actively.

I can feel my little jewel of delight rubbing his pelvis again, and my walls grip his shaft.
I need this. I want this. I am now Grinding myself frantically around the shaft filling me to bursting. I have been wanting to do this since I took him in my mouth and mercilessly teased him this morning. OH GOD, I can feel it. I CAN'T STOP. The waves are starting to crash around me. The building of desperation and desire is starting to crumble around us. I start to really tremble and quake around him, gushing my orgasm, bursting at the seams. He is screaming into his gag with the force of his release. I gush hard around his still throbbing shaft, moving my hip and extending this GLORIUS release! I stopped as the sensation he was feeling was transforming from release to distress in his mind. This was amazing. Enchanting is my new passion. I untied the gag and pulled out my panties.

「Blue — 「Lack of details. Grammatical errors. Unclear vocabulary—describe clearly. Follow "Show, not tell". Separate monologues and narrative.」
Green — Revise. Paraphrase. Make it better. Refer to past advice.」 」



「GENERAL ADVICE」
「Too much narrative and less dialogue which decreases story engagement.」

「Very thick paragraphs affect readability and engagement.」

「Show, not tell—and even if not applied all the time, it's okay. Although, I really recommend it because it helps improves the storytelling and engagement of the story. Avoid using too many words ending in -ed, -ing, and -ly as much as possible」

「Some of the paragraphs are a little hard to read so paraphrasing them and formulating a good flow of information is what I'd recommend.」

「First, short one-line statements make the speaker sound like a robot and also ruin the flow of information, so I suggest making them into a paragraph with clear structures. A "mirror-talk" or "conversation references" would be better to make the dialogue better. Whatsoever, if that is your intent, then that's fine.

Second, avoid also using short one-line statements in narratives because it also ruins the flow of information and the pacing of the story. It makes the sentences incomplete and loses the details previously supporting them.」

「Paragraphs are mostly comprised of small phrases that could have been better if implemented well for the sake of readability and flow of information.」

Overall, fun story to give feedback on but has a lot of problems. Continue to learn and improve, thank you very much!
 
Last edited:
Joined
Oct 20, 2022
Messages
4
Points
18
Thank you for all the feedback.

I'm glad it's a fun story, and it's great to know what I need to work on.

I aim to improve and will do my best to do so.
 

Motsu

Game Lead Programmer x WebAppSoft
Joined
Jun 24, 2020
Messages
1,096
Points
153
got a 'get gud' from you last time (A deserved one.)... been quite a few months now. I sincerely hope I've gotten better.
On that note, I'd love if you could check out

Watcher of the abyss

thanks!
「The Watcher of the Abyss」
What the hell did I accomplish?

Abraham thought. Holding onto the handle of a antique wooden door.

「There are preferably better ways to introduce the character. Also, italic is better than single quotation marks for monologues.
E.g. ("What the hell did I accomplish?
Holding onto the handle of an antique wooden door, Abraham expresses distress and annoyance as his eyebrow inclines deeply and his teeth clench firmly.
")」

「A case of one-line syndrome...」

Just reminiscing the days he would spend with his friends at the Alliance filled him with warm sensations.

But before that, His life has been nothing but misery.

His father was never there for him throughout his childhood. In fact, he didn't even know his fathers name.

He had a mother. But he never considered her one.

The only memories he has of her are pure nightmares. She was an extreme case of a sociopath. She would always take out all of her stress on him. Which would usually end with him getting his head smashed on the floor or with a bottle.

And when he turned 12, he ran away from her.

After he escaped from her, his life wasn’t any better. He was in an orphanage for a long time before being adopted into a middle-class family.

His family was extremely kind and caring. He had a mother who nagged him, a father who taught him how to be a good person, and a lovely little sister. This was the first time he had found happiness in his life.

He had finally found a heaven in his life filled with nothing but misery.

But that did not last long.

Not even a few months after he was adopted, His sister, who was only 9 at the time, hanged herself.

With a letter saying it was Abraham’s fault.

He could’ve sworn he did nothing but his parent's would not listen.

In fact, this wasn’t the first time things like this had happened to him. Neither would it be the last.


「Too much pause due to separating them into different sentences and there is almost no sign of a good paragraph that really captures the details that further improves the striking emotions and storytelling that readers would find pleasing to read.

I suggest making use of transitional words when making a paragraph because transitions provide greater cohesion (refers to the way we use vocabulary and grammatical structures to make connections between the ideas within a text. It provides flow and sequence to your work and helps make your paragraphs clear for the reader) by making them more explicit or signaling how ideas relate to one another.

Feel free to copy and modify my example:
Simply reminiscing the days he spent at the Alliance with his friends made him overcome with nostalgia that eases his feelings of grief or distress towards his life. But it also reminds him of his life that has been nothing but misery.


A person he used to regard as father had never been with him throughout his childhood and he does not even remember that person's name. And there was his mother whom he remembers as a mentally-ill and abusive person—a complete sociopath. Even to this day, he remembers his head getting violently knocked down on the floor and smashed with a bottle.

It was a nightmare that continues to haunt him in his sleep.

At age twelve, he realized that running away was his only option. Whatsoever, being only a child, his life was not turning any better and he lived his life in an orphanage that found him before being adopted into a middle-class family.

It was a family that gave off an appearance of cheerful liveliness. There was his mom who would always worry herself over his health and safety, his dad who taught him what it means to be a better person, and his little sister that was exquisitely beautiful and loved.

This was definitely the heaven that he dreamed of—a life devoid of any suffering and conflict.

Whatsoever, this life would not last long for him.

At approximately nine in the morning, his little sister's life ceased from a rope on his neck that was tied down on a tree. Furthermore, there was even a piece of evidence—a letter calling out that it was all Abraham's fault.

Everything went downhill from there. His parents had completely gone insane, even going as far as trying to kill him. The things he used to have had disappeared with a single suicide letter that framed him.

After that, he spent most of his life in the battlefield. Used as a killing machine. He was living a life of a slave. If the organization wanted, he would kill his lover, his comrades, his close friends, and anyone they deemed unnecessary. Before eventually betraying the organization and finding his new home in the Alliance of the rebellions. An alliance seeking to overthrow the current kings of the world. He even became one of their leaders after about 15 years.
「Too much information being given—organize the information by chronologically introducing them one by one to help the readers understand the neat text more clearly. And please combine the short sentences because that should help make the paragraph better.」

"You murdered the residents of the town where I grew up, you left it into ruins! When you joined the resistance I admired you, but when I discovered that you were the one that destroyed my hometown, I felt betrayed. Children, Elderly, none were spared in your actions, for what reason did those innocent do for them to be Slaughtered!”
「Revise. There is a better way to evoke emotions, especially while using narratives too. To be honest, I think either an em dash (used in place of commas or parentheses to emphasize or draw attention to parenthetical or amplifying material) or ellipsis (is used to create a pause and suspense) is better than a comma since it's just a pause.」

“Leave the others alive please.” Abraham spoke sincerely. There was a hint of sadness in his voice. “Well…I was going to leave them be either way.” The man replied quite awkwardly.
「Separate for each speaker. And for most of the dialogue, add some narrative, even if it's just adjectives.」

“You’ve done well. Phase one is now over.” The voice continued speaking. But Abraham ignored it. He wasn’t himself at this moment. He was In a sort of dream-like state. He took a look around him. They seemed to be In an empty white room. No matter how far he tried to see, there was nothing other than white. Not even shadows. Because of this, Abraham didn’t know how big the room itself was.
「Revise. Make it into a paragraph—and not something that contains one short sentence each—and then paraphrase.」

「Too many one-line statements that could be better if synthesized together to create a more formulated paragraph. This is going to kill the pace and the reader's mood. I suggest paraphrasing too.」

「Show, don't tell—but not all the time. Lack engaging details and is always focusing on one defining characteristic and some parts are not described well enough to specify to the readers what something really looks like.」

「Avoid using short one-line statements in narratives because it also ruins the flow of information and the pacing of the story. It makes the sentences incomplete and while it highlights the sentence well, a better paragraph can do the same thing.」


I'd say it's a good hook for readers, but yeah, the statements are just a downer for real. I'll look at the C2 once I have some time so I can make more advice.
 
Last edited:

PeacefulMyst

In your heart~
Joined
Dec 23, 2021
Messages
673
Points
133
「The Watcher of the Abyss」
What the hell did I accomplish?

Abraham thought. Holding onto the handle of a antique wooden door.

「There are preferably better ways to introduce the character. Also, italic is better than single quotation marks for monologues.
E.g. ("What the hell did I accomplish?
Holding onto the handle of an antique wooden door, Abraham expresses distress and annoyance as his eyebrow inclines deeply and his teeth clench firmly.
")」

「A case of one-line syndrome...」

Just reminiscing the days he would spend with his friends at the Alliance filled him with warm sensations.

But before that, His life has been nothing but misery.

His father was never there for him throughout his childhood. In fact, he didn't even know his fathers name.

He had a mother. But he never considered her one.

The only memories he has of her are pure nightmares. She was an extreme case of a sociopath. She would always take out all of her stress on him. Which would usually end with him getting his head smashed on the floor or with a bottle.

And when he turned 12, he ran away from her.

After he escaped from her, his life wasn’t any better. He was in an orphanage for a long time before being adopted into a middle-class family.

His family was extremely kind and caring. He had a mother who nagged him, a father who taught him how to be a good person, and a lovely little sister. This was the first time he had found happiness in his life.

He had finally found a heaven in his life filled with nothing but misery.

But that did not last long.

Not even a few months after he was adopted, His sister, who was only 9 at the time, hanged herself.

With a letter saying it was Abraham’s fault.

He could’ve sworn he did nothing but his parent's would not listen.

In fact, this wasn’t the first time things like this had happened to him. Neither would it be the last.


「Too much pause due to separating them into different sentences and there is almost no sign of a good paragraph that really captures the details that further improves the striking emotions and storytelling that readers would find pleasing to read.

I suggest making use of transitional words when making a paragraph because transitions provide greater cohesion (refers to the way we use vocabulary and grammatical structures to make connections between the ideas within a text. It provides flow and sequence to your work and helps make your paragraphs clear for the reader) by making them more explicit or signaling how ideas relate to one another.

Feel free to copy and modify my example:
Simply reminiscing the days he spent at the Alliance with his friends made him overcome with nostalgia that eases his feelings of grief or distress towards his life. But it also reminds him of his life that has been nothing but misery.


A person he used to regard as father had never been with him throughout his childhood and he does not even remember that person's name. And there was his mother whom he remembers as a mentally-ill and abusive person—a complete sociopath. Even to this day, he remembers his head getting violently knocked down on the floor and smashed with a bottle.

It was a nightmare that continues to haunt him in his sleep.

At age twelve, he realized that running away was his only option. Whatsoever, being only a child, his life was not turning any better and he lived his life in an orphanage that found him before being adopted into a middle-class family.

It was a family that gave off an appearance of cheerful liveliness. There was his mom who would always worry herself over his health and safety, his dad who taught him what it means to be a better person, and his little sister that was exquisitely beautiful and loved.

This was definitely the heaven that he dreamed of—a life devoid of any suffering and conflict.

Whatsoever, this life would not last long for him.

At approximately nine in the morning, his little sister's life ceased from a rope on his neck that was tied down on a tree. Furthermore, there was even a piece of evidence—a letter calling out that it was all Abraham's fault.

Everything went downhill from there. His parents had completely gone insane, even going as far as trying to kill him. The things he used to have had disappeared with a single suicide letter that framed him.

After that, he spent most of his life in the battlefield. Used as a killing machine. He was living a life of a slave. If the organization wanted, he would kill his lover, his comrades, his close friends, and anyone they deemed unnecessary. Before eventually betraying the organization and finding his new home in the Alliance of the rebellions. An alliance seeking to overthrow the current kings of the world. He even became one of their leaders after about 15 years.
「Too much information being given—organize the information by chronologically introducing them one by one to help the readers understand the neat text more clearly. And please combine the short sentences because that should help make the paragraph better.」

"You murdered the residents of the town where I grew up, you left it into ruins! When you joined the resistance I admired you, but when I discovered that you were the one that destroyed my hometown, I felt betrayed. Children, Elderly, none were spared in your actions, for what reason did those innocent do for them to be Slaughtered!”
「Revise. There is a better way to evoke emotions, especially while using narratives too. To be honest, I think either an em dash (used in place of commas or parentheses to emphasize or draw attention to parenthetical or amplifying material) or ellipsis (is used to create a pause and suspense) is better than a comma since it's just a pause.」

“Leave the others alive please.” Abraham spoke sincerely. There was a hint of sadness in his voice. “Well…I was going to leave them be either way.” The man replied quite awkwardly.
「Separate for each speaker. And for most of the dialogue, add some narrative, even if it's just adjectives.」

“You’ve done well. Phase one is now over.” The voice continued speaking. But Abraham ignored it. He wasn’t himself at this moment. He was In a sort of dream-like state. He took a look around him. They seemed to be In an empty white room. No matter how far he tried to see, there was nothing other than white. Not even shadows. Because of this, Abraham didn’t know how big the room itself was.
「Revise. Make it into a paragraph—and not something that contains one short sentence each—and then paraphrase.」

「Too many one-line statements that could be better if synthesized together to create a more formulated paragraph. This is going to kill the pace and the reader's mood. I suggest paraphrasing too.」

「Show, don't tell—but not all the time. Lack engaging details and is always focusing on one defining characteristic and some parts are not described well enough to specify to the readers what something really looks like.」

「Avoid using short one-line statements in narratives because it also ruins the flow of information and the pacing of the story. It makes the sentences incomplete and while it highlights the sentence well, a better paragraph can do the same thing.」
Thanks alot for the feedback! It was alot more thorough than I had imagined... it seems i still have alot to work on. Didn't even realize that the one lines were that big of a problem.

I'll look at the C2 once I have some time so I can make more advice.
It would be greatly appreciated!
 

Motsu

Game Lead Programmer x WebAppSoft
Joined
Jun 24, 2020
Messages
1,096
Points
153
A dark-skin youth sat on a seat in a classroom. His seat was the window seat at the left back just like the protagonists in the anime he watched when he was at home.
「Repeating the sub-topic "seat" twice when "youth" is the main subject is inconsistent. Please make this a single statement paragraph using em dash ("—"). 」

It was presently just before the first bell so he was reading some hardcover books on his phone relaxedly while paying no heed to the classmates who were gossiping like old women around him who were also paying him no mind. It was the usual tranquil just before school started. The air was fresh too.
「Very passive and the flow of information is everywhere. You could've introduced the "air" and "tranquil" in the first statement as subtopics to further improve the environment. Furthermore, "presently" is used wrong especially since there is no defining subject. Did you mean "recently"?

"The air was fresh too" is a bad narrative statement that felt out-of-nowhere and suddenly put on the paragraph for no reason.」


When a girl started exaggeratedly screaming like a banshee his hands holding both sides of the book seemed to clench subtly, as if he was picturing grabbing something and squeezing it to death!
「Please input comma on the right spot. "Subtly" needs to be explained in a better way. The last sentence is not written correctly because the explanation and exclamation mark does not make any sense in the given statement.」

When a boy with a deep voice began hollering something to his bros, sounding like a gorilla that was being anally abused, Eze was on the edge of his seat with rage!
「Okay, the explanation and the simile are phrased wrong and the general audience is not appropriate and confusing. Okay, seriously, why the exclamation mark? And another character suddenly appeared using a bad introduction (or that's how it looks like for the readers) because it doesn't introduce the main character in the right way for the audience to digest (and especially because the "boy" was the main subject). Whatsoever, Deji was introduced properly. Revise.」

"And did you know, did you kn(hooo)"
「Do it without using parentheses.」

"How pathetic." seeing as the boy was now on the floor with tears in hs eyes while grabbing his head in pain, Eze wasn't satisfied. Instead he felt the need to throw verbal abuse into the mix.
「Synthesize or combine the following sentences into one to further connect the ideas of the narrative of the dialogue.」

He dropped his fist on Deji's head, allowing gravity to grace his fists with their blessings as he felt the impacts between bone and bone.
「The description is too confusing for the general audience, please make it appropriate and can be visually understood. If you want to create a good action narrative, describe (if applicable) using the five senses—sight, touch, hearing, taste, and smell. 」

Simply put, he was going over to their pages to leave scathing reviews, bad comments and also brutally shame them. All to put food on the table; books cost money!
「Use commas on the right spot. "Also" would implicate that you have used a conjunction in the previous sentence. The last sentence is incomplete, please identify which entity is being called out.」

RING A bell rang?

"School's starting" they finally went back to their original seats as a teacher walked in for early morning lessons?

RING Another bell rang?

"Assembly time. Lesson's over," the teacher spoke and left?

They then left for assembly, where some- RING?

First class?

RING?

RING-RING?

RING-RING-RING?

School end.
「Fragmented sentences and using words as a means to create a sound. Also, missing periods. Please revise and create a formal narrative detail. Also, the sudden interruption of the narrative is nonsensical.」

"So, school was short today" 'Okay, school was monotonous, but never usually like this'

He was mildly confused
,; '"Just what was going on,"' he instinctively looked at his watch and saw the emerald glowing a soft green.

'It never did THAT before'

「Use double quotation marks for dialogues and don't use single quotation marks for monologues. Furthermore, separate lines of dialogue and monologues. Oh, and one thing, the semi-colon is not the appropriate punctuation in the second paragraph.」

This time the former his facial expression fluctuated wildly, | as if he was shocked, anxious, confused and pleasantly surprised all at the same time. It was clear that he was experiencing a variety of emotions, but Eze felt that something was weird about it, almost unnatural.
「First part, "This time the former" is a grammatical error. Also, It has been iterated twice that he was feeling a variety of emotions which is irrelevant. The last part, "almost unnatural" is an out-of-place description.」

'Well, I guess all chronic loners suffer from the same diseases' he inwardly. Afterall, he'd seen memes with hundreds of thousands of likes making jest of the same things he felt, there was no way he was alone, in being alone.
「Fix the first sentence. The last part of the second sentence "in being alone" is an out-of-place description.」

He stood there in the now empty memory fragment before realizing that it should have collapsed since he wasn't there anymore, or collapsed once he started being hypnotized? This proved his thoughts right. It wasn't HIS memory he was observing.
「Why is it a question mark? The sentence wasn't asking a question at all.」

He looked at the desk in the room, with a now shutoff pc and cluttered with some clothes, books, a shoe, and a well-crafted watch with a dull green gem embedded into it.
「Paraphrase.」

「Avoid using non-vocabulary words that intend to make a sound instead describe it in a shown way because the audience can portray the scene better and be clarified.」

「Too much passive voice—the meaning of the sentence is not that clear, and the sentence may become awkward.」
「Show, not tell—don't use words ending with -ed, -ly, and -ing as much as possible.」

「Avoid fragmented sentences, they don't allow you to tell readers what they want to know.」

「Too much use of exclamation marks—without the need to—and please express a certain feeling that an exclamation can do. Furthermore, use commas in an appropriate spot because some of the sentences are incomplete and can be misinterpreted due to not using the appropriate punctuation mark.」



Nice story, I guess? But yeah, there are a lot of mistakes that could potentially back away readers. Whatsoever, it's good to review and edit your story. Thank you very much!​
 
Last edited:

ElijahRyne

A Hermit that is NOT that Lazy…
Joined
Aug 12, 2021
Messages
1,000
Points
133
Want me to give you feedback?
Go ahead and show me your story.

「Nice to meet you! Call me Motsu or Nash—I am a freelancing editor and author. I collaborated through different projects and assisted many new writers in their journey of creating a deliberate yet appealing story. You can also contact me on discord—Nash#1188 or through the scribblehub discord server. Whatsoever, if you want to support me, then go ahead and read my
latest novel or subscribe to my channel. Hope to read your best novels!」

—Suggestion「Choose which chapter you would like to be reviewed.」
—Not stated/Default 「Automatically will only review both the synopsis and the first chapter or last chapter.」
—Word range 「Approximately 5,000 words (only applies for the suggestion). No extension allowed (will not consider payment).」
—Schedule 「Precisely more active every Saturday.」
—Feedback Per Day (PRD) 「Precisely 1-3 novels are accepted per day.」
—Preference「None. I'll add plus one for slice-of-life novels though...」
—Editing Style「Specific. (there was supposed to be a lot of option to choose but I decided this was an easier way for me to analyze).」

To avoid overlapping feedback or to gain new insights, consider reading my feedback aimed at other people's novels since the feedback may be applicable to yours too!

「LEGENDS」
Better.
Good.
Okay.
Neutral.
Mistake.
Revision.
Could you do this one?
 

Africanchieftainsson

Last in line of succession
Joined
Sep 25, 2022
Messages
76
Points
33
A dark-skin youth sat on a seat in a classroom. His seat was the window seat at the left back just like the protagonists in the anime he watched when he was at home.
「Repeating the sub-topic "seat" twice when "youth" is the main subject is inconsistent. Please make this a single statement paragraph using em dash ("—"). 」

It was presently just before the first bell so he was reading some hardcover books on his phone relaxedly while paying no heed to the classmates who were gossiping like old women around him who were also paying him no mind. It was the usual tranquil just before school started. The air was fresh too.
「Very passive and the flow of information is everywhere. You could've introduced the "air" and "tranquil" in the first statement as subtopics to further improve the environment. Furthermore, "presently" is used wrong especially since there is no defining subject. Did you mean "recently"?

"The air was fresh too" is a bad narrative statement that felt out-of-nowhere and suddenly put on the paragraph for no reason.」


When a girl started exaggeratedly screaming like a banshee his hands holding both sides of the book seemed to clench subtly, as if he was picturing grabbing something and squeezing it to death!
「Please input comma on the right spot. "Subtly" needs to be explained in a better way. The last sentence is not written correctly because the explanation and exclamation mark does not make any sense in the given statement.」

When a boy with a deep voice began hollering something to his bros, sounding like a gorilla that was being anally abused, Eze was on the edge of his seat with rage!
「Okay, the explanation and the simile are phrased wrong and the general audience is not appropriate and confusing. Okay, seriously, why the exclamation mark? And another character suddenly appeared using a bad introduction (or that's how it looks like for the readers) because it doesn't introduce the main character in the right way for the audience to digest (and especially because the "boy" was the main subject). Whatsoever, Deji was introduced properly. Revise.」

"And did you know, did you kn(hooo)"
「Do it without using parentheses.」

"How pathetic." seeing as the boy was now on the floor with tears in hs eyes while grabbing his head in pain, Eze wasn't satisfied. Instead he felt the need to throw verbal abuse into the mix.
「Synthesize or combine the following sentences into one to further connect the ideas of the narrative of the dialogue.」

He dropped his fist on Deji's head, allowing gravity to grace his fists with their blessings as he felt the impacts between bone and bone.
「The description is too confusing for the general audience, please make it appropriate and can be visually understood. If you want to create a good action narrative, describe (if applicable) using the five senses—sight, touch, hearing, taste, and smell. 」

Simply put, he was going over to their pages to leave scathing reviews, bad comments and also brutally shame them. All to put food on the table; books cost money!
「Use commas on the right spot. "Also" would implicate that you have used a conjunction in the previous sentence. The last sentence is incomplete, please identify which entity is being called out.」

RING A bell rang?

"School's starting" they finally went back to their original seats as a teacher walked in for early morning lessons?

RING Another bell rang?

"Assembly time. Lesson's over," the teacher spoke and left?

They then left for assembly, where some- RING?

First class?

RING?

RING-RING?

RING-RING-RING?

School end.
「Fragmented sentences and using words as a means to create a sound. Also, missing periods. Please revise and create a formal narrative detail. Also, the sudden interruption of the narrative is nonsensical.」

"So, school was short today" 'Okay, school was monotonous, but never usually like this'

He was mildly confused
,; '"Just what was going on,"' he instinctively looked at his watch and saw the emerald glowing a soft green.

'It never did THAT before'

「Use double quotation marks for dialogues and don't use single quotation marks for monologues. Furthermore, separate lines of dialogue and monologues. Oh, and one thing, the semi-colon is not the appropriate punctuation in the second paragraph.」

This time the former his facial expression fluctuated wildly, | as if he was shocked, anxious, confused and pleasantly surprised all at the same time. It was clear that he was experiencing a variety of emotions, but Eze felt that something was weird about it, almost unnatural.
「First part, "This time the former" is a grammatical error. Also, It has been iterated twice that he was feeling a variety of emotions which is irrelevant. The last part, "almost unnatural" is an out-of-place description.」

'Well, I guess all chronic loners suffer from the same diseases' he inwardly. Afterall, he'd seen memes with hundreds of thousands of likes making jest of the same things he felt, there was no way he was alone, in being alone.
「Fix the first sentence. The last part of the second sentence "in being alone" is an out-of-place description.」

He stood there in the now empty memory fragment before realizing that it should have collapsed since he wasn't there anymore, or collapsed once he started being hypnotized? This proved his thoughts right. It wasn't HIS memory he was observing.
「Why is it a question mark? The sentence wasn't asking a question at all.」

He looked at the desk in the room, with a now shutoff pc and cluttered with some clothes, books, a shoe, and a well-crafted watch with a dull green gem embedded into it.
「Paraphrase.」

「Avoid using non-vocabulary words that intend to make a sound instead describe it in a shown way because the audience can portray the scene better and be clarified.」

「Too much passive voice—the meaning of the sentence is not that clear, and the sentence may become awkward.」
「Show, not tell—don't use words ending with -ed, -ly, and -ing as much as possible.」

「Avoid fragmented sentences, they don't allow you to tell readers what they want to know.」

「Too much use of exclamation marks—without the need to—and please express a certain feeling that an exclamation can do. Furthermore, use commas in an appropriate spot because some of the sentences are incomplete and can be misinterpreted due to not using the appropriate punctuation mark.」



Nice story, I guess? But yeah, there are a lot of mistakes that could potentially back away readers. Whatsoever, it's good to review and edit your story. Thank you very much!​
Thank you very much! Any tips to write active not passive?
 

Motsu

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Thank you very much! Any tips to write active not passive?
Grabbing the reader and capturing his or her attention means using verbs and active voice properly. This involves more than just getting the grammar right — writers must craft sentences in a way that keeps the flow and momentum moving forward.

In order to achieve the strongest possible content, professional writers prefer writing in active voice vs. passive voice in most instances.

Perhaps you’ve already heard of active voice and passive voice, but aren’t exactly sure how to approach those concepts in your own writing. We’ll clarify these techniques and provide examples below so you can start using active voice properly and create effective copy every time.

What Is Active Voice, and Why Is It Important?​

When the subject of a sentence performs the action that’s expressed by the verb of that sentence, that’s an instance of using active voice. Moreover, the verb in that sentence is known as an active verb.

Here’s an example of using active voice:

  • “The hungry boy ate the delicious hamburger in less than a minute.”
Pay special attention to the verb and its positioning in the sentence. Here, the subject is “boy” while the verb is “ate.”

Upon reading that sentence, one can imagine the ravenously hungry boy attacking that delicious hamburger. There’s forceful action and visual momentum in the sentence.

The subject (“boy”) is directly performing the action expressed by the verb (“ate”).

Now, we can rearrange and modify the same sentence, but this time we’ll use passive voice:

  • “The delicious hamburger was eaten by the hungry boy in less than a minute.”
The same information is conveyed, but somehow the force and intent of the sentence aren’t quite as strong. By having the subject of the sentence (“hamburger”) acted upon by the verb (“eaten”), we’re conveying the same information but weakening the impact.

Here’s another example of a sentence using active voice:

  • “With reckless abandon, Robert spent all the money at the casino.”
The quickest way to drain the power out of that sentence would be to use its passive-voice counterpart:

  • “With reckless abandon, all the money was spent by Robert at the casino.”
The importance of using active voice is evident here: without it, the action is de-emphasized and the visual and emotional effect is diminished.

How to Approach Using Active Voice​

Using active voice can make your sentences shorter, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Brevity can make your writing clearer and more direct.

Therefore, consider double-checking your sentences to make sure that the primary actor(s) of each sentence is (are) performing the main verb of that sentence.

To help you achieve this, here’s a simple tip:

  • Look out for verbs like “is,” “are,” “was,” and “were” when they’re being used as helping verbs.
In some cases, these verbs are a sign that you’re using the easily-avoidable passive voice.

Here’s an example:

  • “Four different books were read by the students during the summer break.”
In this instance, the “are” is a clear tip-off that there’s a passive-voice violation in progress. Let’s go ahead and convert this to active voice:

  • “The students read four different books during the summer break.”
Don’t feel the need to force active voice into your writing. Instead, just get into the habit of placing the main doer of the action at or near the beginning of each sentence. That way, the rest of the sentence will naturally flow into an active-voice structure.

Adjusting Your Writing to Make It More Active​

As you can see, it typically requires only minor adjustments to make your writing active instead of passive. Again, the key is to place the doer of the action at or near the beginning of the sentence, and before the verb.

Generally adhering to the formula of “subject, verb, object” can help you to get into the right habit.

For example:

  • “The angry dog (subject) chased (verb) that fluffy cat (object).”
… is much better than:

  • “That fluffy cat (object) was (there’s the telltale helping verb) chased (main verb) by the angry dog (subject).”

Is It Ever Acceptable to Use Passive Voice?​

Now, we don’t want you to think that there’s no place for passive voice. There might be times when using passive voice is appropriate.

For instance, using passive voice can give writing a more literary tone:

  • “I was absolutely driven to tears by that gauche, graceless rube,” pronounced the princess.
Additionally, if the subject or actor is unknown or irrelevant to the sentence, passive voice is acceptable.

  • “The complaint was submitted on Monday afternoon.”
  • “Gifts were left on the front steps of the shelter.”
In both the examples above, the question, “By whom?” can be asked, but not answered. In cases such as these, you can use passive voice.

Just be advised that counter-examples like this aren’t typical in content writing, particularly in practical contexts (such as writing used for marketing).

So, now it’s your turn – see how you can improve the flow, conciseness, impact, and overall tone of your writing with the mighty and underappreciated active voice.

Source
 

AuntieMaysLittleCousin

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What a great thread. Seeing people doing this kind of things for free, it makes me think hope is still not lost for mankind...
Then I go to school and forget that feeling.

Jokes aside, I'd like to request feedback from my story, focusing more on writing style and tips in general than in grammar. No specific chapters on my mind.
 

Motsu

Game Lead Programmer x WebAppSoft
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To those pending—I apologize for the long-awaited comeback. My computer finally got fixed after all the blue screen obstacles, which had been a long battle. Oh, and also, I now accept GCASH as a payment method for those who want to hire me.

@Oxylus
「Manabound: Arrival」

The forges of Dheg Malduhr were some of the most extensive in the world and the source of the largest portion of its exports. However, trade in the region was now in jeopardy as the Empire of Vlaredia invaded the Sovereign Cities. A dispute that the city did not wish to get involved in. Which is why it was developing weapons that could defend it against the massive armies that the empire was known to field. Even the Sovereigns would be tempted to take advantage of the fighting to pick at unaligned cities if the opportunity presented itself.
「The first line is a better opening since the beginning topic is specifically about Dheg Malduhr and it introduces a brief generalization before more information is introduced; therefore, the readers are slowly understanding why that's the case (and for curiosity's sake).

What does the antecedent of the pronoun refer to? If it doesn't occur before using the pronoun, then just put the name instead, otherwise, it can be confusing for the readers due to misinterpretation.

Lastly, the last paragraph is clearly not aligned with the sentence before it. It is better to add additional information in-between that could create a continuous flow of information so the information being introduced doesn't feel too sudden.」


Aedan was jerked from his thoughts as he looked at the dwarf man to his right.
「Jerked is not the right verb for this sentence. If you want it, then phrase the narrative correctly. Example, ("Calling out his name jerked him of his thoughts before he looked at the root of this rough and serious voice. It was a dwarf man to his right.")」

“Allow me to finish this… last… rune…” Aedan grabbed the conduit probe that had somehow arrived in the world with him. He then channeled energy through the device and a teal beam emitted from the front aperture and etched the final line of the runic sequence. He had devised the sequence that would draw in the arcane energy of the surrounding area of the mine to strengthen the blast, similar to a thermobaric reaction.

「They need more explanations because, as far as I can digest from the paragraph, it lacks specific information about the characteristics of the subjects and the "how" of the process.」

“Good. Then let us install it and prepare for the test,” the man said with a nod.

「It's odd that the man nodded at the end of his sentence for no reason since (for implication sake), it would make sense to add the nodding details after saying "Good" because the man is showing understanding of his explanations.」

Alyce stepped in where she could and helped out those that were struggling. Many of the sun elves had a hard time acclimating to proper technology, but it was okay. That’s why she was there. At the end of the day, she felt like they had managed to get a lot done and told her crew that as they trickled out, returning all of their tools and equipment under the watchful eyes of the palace guards.
「It's better to switch the orders of the sentences. The introduction of the sun elves struggle should be the first sentences because that's the main topic of this paragraph. It would be like this,
"Many of the sun elves had a hard time acclimating to proper technology, but that's why she was there. Alyce stepped in where she could and helped out those that were struggling. At the end of the day, she felt like they had managed to get a lot done, and she told her crew that as they trickled out, returning all of their tools and equipment under the watchful eyes of the palace guards."

"But it was okay," is unnecessary information that should be placed in a different sentence or removed and spliced into the sentence.


Two guards stepped forward and Aedan tensed up, but in the end, he simply nodded. He followed the man with the control panel as they made their way through the halls of the research area of the city. Aedan had convinced them to prepare a site that was not directly in the city. The test area was a cavern that was dug out and reinforced with steel precisely for this reason.

When they walked into the cavern, Aedan took a deep breath. He couldn’t deny that he was excited, and seeing his device there set up and prepared on a pedestal in the center washed away any hesitation.

“The chains were made to specifications?” he asked the dwarves working around the device.


「To be honest, it is better to show the readers how he was tensed up and excited instead of just telling them directly. "Taking a deep breath" is an example of making the readers imply that he was out of breath or exhilarated (this is the assumption with the lack of details).

"The man with the control panel" is a vague explanation since there are no characteristics of the "man" and "control panel which is just too brief and boring.

There needs to be a good transition before the "Aedan had convinced them..." and that the flow of information is broken due to being too sudden.

The dialogue on the last part is weirdly phrased. "Chains were made to specifications"—it's too wordy and vague for the readers.」


As Norie clung to Aedan, the device rattled. Mana rushed in from all around, the steel and cavern offering minimal protection. The mine glowed purple and pulsed as the amplified loop built within the runic chain worked as designed and drew more and more mana. Fissures opened throughout the mountain as the chain reaction spell started by the device was overwhelmed as mana tore at spacetime and condensed gravity into that one location. A saturation point was reached within the manasphere of the world and the singularity collapsed as it could no longer sustain its own nature. The resulting implosion ripped at the cavern walls, causing the mountain to crumble in on itself.

The city that was supposed to be safe
, was unprepared...

「Blue needs to be specifically detailed to make the sentence engaging and clearer.

The flow of information is broken. It is being introduced when there isn't a need to. And it's missing important points like "what are they against that makes them offer minimal protection?", "why is it an important detail?" and "how was it established that they offer minimal protection?"」


She moved on and jumped in with another worker, fixing more gears and aligning the machinery that would make this big, monstrous, ugly, beautiful, wonderful steam engine purr.

Tiberius flew. Below him stretched a small forest of trees of all shapes and colors.
A beautiful sea of orange, red, yellow, and green leaves spread out before him. His maker and her followers were nearly out of it and onto the vast rolling plains beyond.
「Too much adjectives repeating and contradicting. Improve the adjectives by stating where it belongs like "A beautiful sea of bright reddish yellow palmately lobed, crimson ruby pinnately lobed, a flaxen pigment of a reniform, and a verdant like olive green ovate extend itself before his very eyes.」

The story is good and the way it is written is also very good. Now, of course, I haven't read all of it so I can only make up for what I've read so far.
 
Last edited:

Kidd_Wadsworth

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Yes, yes, please review The Death of Magic. I need someone, anyone, to please read my book!

--Kidd
 

Motsu

Game Lead Programmer x WebAppSoft
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「Scarlet Dawn」
Tonight is a beautiful night.

A woman clad in black and red looked out of the window in awe at the moon centered in the red night sky. She wished that she could stay here and gaze at the moon but my “guests” downstairs wouldn’t let her do that.

「First paragraph is using the wrong tense, causing timeframe confusion. From what I've digested, this whole chapter uses past tense, and "is" is not a past tense.

Try to make it engaging. "Clad in black and red looked out of the window in awe at the moon centered in the red night sky" lacks definite characteristics that make the character and environment visually apparent. For example, ("A woman wore a coal black dress with a morsel of it exposing a crimson color. She stood near the window with her eyes focusing on the clear bright moon above the vermilion night ether.") which is more appropriate and specifically sufficient in terms of information it sends out.」



“Ms. Kasdeya, your guests are waiting for you
.Someone informed her from the other side of the door.

“Right, I’m coming out.” Kasdeya answered in a
false sweet tone. She walked away from the window and towards the door. While doing so she dusted off her blouse and adjusted the buttons on it. She turned the knob and Joseph, her butler stood by the door in an elegant manner.

“Are you ready to go ma’am?”

「The dialogue does not need to use a period but a comma because it has a narrative description afterwards. Also, since it uses a comma, you don't need to capitalize the first letter. "False" is the wrong word here, so use the adverb because it acts as a modifier to the adjective.

And also, why is the name now revealed after the door has been opened? Wouldn't she be able to recognize his butler just by the voice?」


The butler gave her a nod and they proceeded to walk down the dim lit hallway. Something about this hallway gave me the chills. Even though she made it that way it still gave her a weird feeling. Maybe it was the crimson colored walls with black vertical stripes that could barely be seen from the human eye. Or was it the narrow passageway that gets smaller when you get closer. And to top it all off, there are no windows so you couldn’t tell if it’s dusk or dawn if you go all the way downstairs or get told ahead of time.

Kasdeya walked down the stairs with great confidence as her guests got closer. Before she could go down the last step, the regular routine played in her mind. The women would circle around her and praise her beauty and looks while the men would try to dance with her.

It was quite annoying to say the least but she did it for a while now to the point that it doesn’t bother hwe. It just became mundane…like everything else.

When Kasdeya reached the center of the floor, she basically ignored her guests and scanned the room for some vulnerable prey. Her eyes spotted some guy in his late 20’s early 30’s with short black hair and a gray suit standing by the punch bowl all by himself.

The raven haired woman was in the midst of making my way over when some guy grabbed her shoulder. She had no choice but to look over and see his uptight smug grin. She gave him a forced smile while fighting the urge not to kick him in the crotch.

She slowly made my way towards the punch bowl without getting detected. Even though it looked like she was going to make herself a drink, the woman was getting a better look at him. After she filled my cup, Kasdeya leaned on the table and watched everyone waltz on the dancefloor.

On the way back to her room, Kasdeya got to know William a little bit better. Turns out that he likes to write and read stories from time to time. That makes sense since he works as a publisher for the local Romanian paper. He then started to drone on and on about his career and such. But she could care less. She always doesn't care when someone brags about their life, it’s meaningless to her.

At this point, Kasdeya felt the poor guy, wait no, her prey struggling and gasping for air. The blood filled up his lungs. In a moment’s time he will stop moving all together.

She bit off a huge chunk of flesh while watching that loser sputter around in his own blood. She chewed on the piece of flesh and savored it. Mmm! Tastes like chicken! Kasdeya glanced down at William who had completely stopped moving like I predicted.

「Paraphrase.
  • Change to past tense.
  • Wrong pronouns for third POV.
  • Missing commas.
  • Italicize monologues from the last part.
  • Instead of doing this "At this point, Kasdeya felt the poor guy, wait no, her prey struggling and gasping for air.", you can do "At this point, Kasdeya felt the poor guy—her prey—struggling and gasping for air."
  • Kasdeya's name has been revealed, stop changing her name into "the raven-haired woman" or "woman" because it is being interpreted as another character. Just use "her" or "she" so not to confuse the readers unless if there was another character being introduced—use the actual name.
  • "It was quite annoying to say the least but she did it for a while now to the point that it doesn’t bother hwe. It just became mundane…like everything else." She did what for a while? If this was referring to the repetitive situation, try to rephrase that. And also, "it was quite annoying to say the least" is missing a denote to who was annoyed because this is interpreted as a monologue.
  • Make the paragraph engaging—it's very awkward and too rough around the edges and lack details.」

「POV error—there are mistakes of using personal pronouns and the presence of "my" and "me" which is probably added due to tunnel vision.」
「Please use adverbs and comma the right way and learn how to use them.」
「Please change everything to past tense since that's what you're using for your story.」

It's a good story, but there are some issues that really ruin the reading experience for the readers. It would really be better to use Grammarly, just in case, for minor assistance because it could style your paragraphs.
 
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