My first short story is finally done! (6k words, 22 pages)

Frank-9976

surrealist shortform writer
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Oct 13, 2022
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Feedback very much appreciated!

This story is about a man with a dream. Cody. He loves whiteboards.
But, he is colorblind. He cannot see anything that is red.
Literally. Red things are invisible to him. If the planet of Mars ceased to exist, he would not notice.
 

Zakuro

Crushed Pomegranate
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Dec 29, 2020
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Most readers on ScribbleHub are silent. For feedback, I bashfully and carefully recommend writing.com or WritersCafe. Both of those sites have point systems that encourage users to leave reviews.
 

Frank-9976

surrealist shortform writer
Joined
Oct 13, 2022
Messages
65
Points
33
Most readers on ScribbleHub are silent. For feedback, I bashfully and carefully recommend writing.com or WritersCafe. Both of those sites have point systems that encourage users to leave reviews.
Nuts, the only reason I am on this website is because my friend uses it. But if I ever want to get better feedback perhaps I should consider moving sites, thank you for your suggestion. You are right, the comments even on my friend's quite successful series are still few and far between, let alone for my very small and niche work.
 

Zakuro

Crushed Pomegranate
Joined
Dec 29, 2020
Messages
204
Points
103
Nuts, the only reason I am on this website is because my friend uses it. But if I ever want to get better feedback perhaps I should consider moving sites, thank you for your suggestion. You are right, the comments even on my friend's quite successful series are still few and far between, let alone for my very small and niche work.
If you want more comments here, consider making intentional mistakes and errors in your work. People love flaming and "correcting" them more than anything.
 

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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My son can see the color red, and he would like to say a few words . . .

dsul'httiuyup9urlk;sssssssfgnhtewfgfqdqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqdfffffffwwwwwwwwwwwwwwcacxz cfv gn jwfg3tyv zczczczczczc cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccltnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnncyrfokgrdsaasssssssssssssssssssssssssssvsvss s wqszqq3watssdxcgjklgup
ttyywseouyhsawsgs[h
 

Zakuro

Crushed Pomegranate
Joined
Dec 29, 2020
Messages
204
Points
103
My son can see the color red, and he would like to say a few words . . .

dsul'httiuyup9urlk;sssssssfgnhtewfgfqdqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqdfffffffwwwwwwwwwwwwwwcacxz cfv gn jwfg3tyv zczczczczczc cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccltnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnncyrfokgrdsaasssssssssssssssssssssssssssvsvss s wqszqq3watssdxcgjklgup
ttyywseouyhsawsgs[h
Your son is wise ma'am.

IMG_20221114_172047.jpg
 
Joined
Jan 15, 2019
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it's quite an unusual story with good writing. it has some nice twists and the ending is ok.

i do feel the setting can be fleshed out more, maybe to the point you know how the 'wtf' things actually makes sense. it can also be quite confusing at some parts due to the switching between POV's and realities.

also

i do feel that cody's experience in the first chapters may need some parallels in other POV (like Kire) to make more sense of what happened.

though it's probably not that important if you just want to focus on cody. maybe if you just stick to his POV the whole time it might be easier to understand and won't take much from the enjoyment.
 

Frank-9976

surrealist shortform writer
Joined
Oct 13, 2022
Messages
65
Points
33
it's quite an unusual story with good writing. it has some nice twists and the ending is ok.

i do feel the setting can be fleshed out more, maybe to the point you know how the 'wtf' things actually makes sense. it can also be quite confusing at some parts due to the switching between POV's and realities.

also

i do feel that cody's experience in the first chapters may need some parallels in other POV (like Kire) to make more sense of what happened.

though it's probably not that important if you just want to focus on cody. maybe if you just stick to his POV the whole time it might be easier to understand and won't take much from the enjoyment.
Thanks for your feedback! I think from the start I wanted to jump outside of Cody's POV but in retrospect maybe his consistent POV was what gave the otherwise crazy world some grounding. If I write another story I may try to stick to a single POV and use that one to hint at what is beyond instead of saying it explicitly.
 
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