My Free Feedback Thread

[Proctor]

Project H.A.L

This might be the weirdest day of my life. First off, I somehow finished my test exams which is quite a feat considering that I didn't study, at all, like always. Secondly, my sister didn't rush her work making me doubt if that was my sister. Lastly, this woman right...

www.scribblehub.com

...
Umm, a new writer here so expect some average stuff. Also, you can do it here.

Hello, sorry for the late feedback. I got to about the end of chapter 10 and skimmed the other 4 before posting my uneducated rambles.

First up, I probably don’t have to mention the detriments a lack of cover has, so I’ll gloss over it. The Author’s note in the synopsis doesn’t have the right kind of spacing in my opinion, seems crammed up against the actual summary. Personally, I’d ditch most of the A/N there and put it at the end of chapter one while leaving only the update schedule.

While there are some interesting ideas floating around in the story, I couldn’t really connect to them emotionally. I think this comes down to the characters acting either too spastic or because there felt like there was the occasional disconnect that made me ask the wrong questions. Things just seemed to happen because why not, tone be damned, rather than it feeling like a purposed construction of cause and effect. Expensive apartment and a mountain get trashed? Oh well. Restaurant bill costs 50k Peso? Real shit.

One other thing to mention is the general shift in chapter one to two. Chapter one had about zero indication or foreshadowing that the MC (or even the original world for that matter) had actual super powers too. All that chapter one set up was him grabbing a gun. Why not show that ‘Mode’ stuff with the exam, or when he was grabbing his weapon?

The MC being selectively forgetful is a difficult beast to juggle, and I think the novel hasn’t done the best job of it in terms of a deeper tone. The nightmare chapter I imagine was to show trauma and hint at why he might have sealed off his memories, and that’s okay, but the other ways it got shown sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Forgetting your sister wanted to come along for the tour, forgetting people you used to work with, difficulty remembering names or operations… I don’t know, I personally wouldn’t be so nonchalant about these things.

I’m not a big fan of blatant comic book style onomatopoeia in prose, and seeing an overdose of ‘*bang*’ ‘*boom*’ and ‘*vomit*’ made the narrative feel less mature than it could’ve been. In my opinion, it's better to integrate sounds into the prose naturally than make it stand out like that.

Prose-wise, I think the best way to say it is that the descriptions seem too simplistic. There are a fair few filter words and a heavy lean on telling over showing that turns an experience into an exposition.

Grammar Pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: As usual, didn't do every single one. Just grabbed a bunch.

"It was hard, I forgot to study so I didn't even know most of the questions. But I think I passed. How about you rey?"
- ’Rey’, I think. Pronoun capitalization.

I then walked in the opposite direction from rey.
- ‘Rey, I think. Pronoun capitalization.

This city is called st. Louise and it's located in the right-most corner of the 2nd continent.
- ‘St. Louise’, I assume. Pronoun capitalization.

"Finally arrived"
- Missing period at the end.
- Side note, I need to start looking into why people keep making this mistake. Probably imitating the WN TLs they see online, sigh.

I looked at a 17floor apartment building with a longing face.
- No space between ‘17’ and ‘floor’.

"John noir, what happened above? And who is that?"
- ‘Noir’, I think. Pronoun capitalization.

I then grabbed my knife as I headed to the passenger room, and there I saw was infuriating.
- ‘what’ instead of ‘there’, I think.

"You"
- Missing period at the end.

"This guy is also a lost cost," he said as he puts his hand to his head as if easing his headaches while looking upwards
- ‘lost cause’, I assume.
- Missing period at the end.

SH wise and in truth I’d give you a 3. Perhaps the absurdity didn’t jibe with me, but I think absurdist works best when there are normal rules solidified to create a contrast and sense of structure.

 

[CKJ5]

Just wanted to add, I finished updating my synopsis, using the feedback provided.

Thank you for taking the time!

 

[Deleted member 70892]

Well, I think I have seen similar threads like this, but I would be pleased to give this novel a try. Currently, I'm continuing the drafts, as school weeks are getting close. Especially the romantic part, I need some help with that one.
Genres: Isekai (Neutral, but not some random truck hitting average people), Girl's Love (Like), Adventure (Love)
Paradise Of The Stars | Scribble Hub

 

[Jailbreak571]

I’m not a big fan of blatant comic book style onomatopoeia in prose, and seeing an overdose of ‘*bang*’ ‘*boom*’ and ‘*vomit*’ made the narrative feel less mature than it could’ve been. In my opinion, it's better to integrate sounds into the prose naturally than make it stand out like that

...
The only reason I do that is because I don't know how to integrate the sound and that's the only way that I know. Thanks for the review!

 

[CKJ5]

...
The only reason I do that is because I don't know how to integrate the sound and that's the only way that I know. Thanks for the review!

I am not trying to hijack the thread, but I can say that most mundane sounds the reader should already know. If you say a character vomited or they heard the sound of vomiting that should be enough for the reader to understand what sound they should imagine.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

Good evening, OP. I know I already posted my work here for feedback. But I’ll link it again, in case you forgot.

World Story: Biographies of Extraordinary People

Parallaxis: the otherworld, whimsical yet close to its sibling. A mega annum later, six champions fought a beast to eclipse all. Brave, they were. Heroes, never in their lifetime. Such fantasies didn’t exist in the land of giants, dragons, and magic. But Haruto’s story told of victory against...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Proctor]

I’m pretty new here, but I’m sort of a “veteran” in RR, six months and counting. As for here, it has 8 chapters, and two more will come at 12:00 AM (GMT+8).

World Story: Biographies of Extraordinary People

Parallaxis: the otherworld, whimsical yet close to its sibling. A mega annum later, six champions fought a beast to eclipse all. Brave, they were. Heroes, never in their lifetime. Such fantasies didn’t exist in the land of giants, dragons, and magic. But Haruto’s story told of victory against...

www.scribblehub.com

I didn’t forget you, I’m just a bit busy. Sorry about that. Anyways, here are my uneducated rambles.

Now, I’ll be the first guy to admit he’s not big on works that are primarily focused as battle shounen, so this will very likely color my review as we go on. I also got to chapter 17, then super skimmed till 40 to check something. Yes, I went to RR. I have a reason for that.

First off, let’s talk about story structure. To be honest with you, this felt like a series of action events slapped together, followed by an absolutely gigantic backstory, then followed up by another action set piece. That’s where I got before I peaced out, anyway. I couldn’t parse out the overall arc this story was trying to tell me, or even if there was a logical reasoning for most of anything happening to begin with outside of simple excuses needed to get to the next punch off. It felt entirely self-indulgent, like a first draft that skipped the planning stage and put the pacing into nitrous overdrive.

You took till a quarter of the way to chapter 2 to even introduce one of your main characters (prologue included to count), and up to chapter 6 to introduce the people on the cover. A lot the time between that was focused on the first fight, setting up the next fight, or the celebration while referencing a ton of things the reader doesn’t have a true grasp on yet. It’s okay to reference backstory to allude to depth, but the way it’s done here feels like the wide and shallow approach rather than the small yet deep one.

But then you give a backstory. A roughly 16-17 chapter long one. One that was as big as the story at that point itself. I’ll be frank: This is bad, ultra bad. A backstory of this length belongs as its own novella, because you didn’t set up enough foundation for readers to care about such an extensive break in the primary narrative. Oda and Luffy from One Piece earned those backstories, Haruto hasn’t yet.

Another thing I want to talk about is the fight between Hokuto and Haruto. I feel like you didn’t frame this the right way, because to me it ended up looking like a privileged manchild beating the new kid to near death multiple times because mature discussions or a safe fight framed as a lesson is for nerds. How does Hokuto decide to try and get the newbies away from here? Just beat the shit out of the man while the wife and child watch, a bloodthirsty audience in tow. Absolute class. The worst part about all this is that Hokuto has a history of being this awful, considering upper management reluctantly puts up with him, and you made all these things a reader’s first impression about him. The problem here isn’t that awful protagonists can’t exist, it’s that awful protagonists get appropriate consequences for their foul actions. Otherwise, it stews resentment, an emotion a reader is usually meant to reserve for a villain.

Some characters I will admit were difficult to put up with. I feel like most of them don’t act like actual adults at all, but caricatures that imitate attempted maturity instead. I think this comes down to how basic a lot of the morality and ethical dilemmas seemed like without an in depth look, and how some people acted self-serving while honestly being blind to their hypocrisy, yet barely called out in that. The reason Hokuto straight up bullied Haruto is a prime example of this, or how Haruto’s past seemed like a gotta-catch-them-all collection of tragedies thrown at the reader all at once while they wonder when the story will go back to the primary narrative.

Grammar-wise, I don’t have a list for you here. I’ll admit a lot of my attention went toward my criticisms for the plot, characters and structure over the presentation of sentences. The upside is that the prose is pretty okay, but I think there was quite a lean toward fast, choppy sentences due to the preference for blazing action and more of an overall telling style to keep pace with that.

SH wise, I’d give you a 3. Truthfully, it is a 2. I couldn’t handle all the shallow action without constructed, deep meaning behind them and a couple of the characters were difficult for me to tolerate. I’m sure there’s great stuff in this story, but as it stands I guess it’s not for me to find out.

I mean, you liked my post which said I would rewrite the story, in first person, and re submit it, so I assumed that was approval. I've thought about a plot which should last until the end of the tutorial as well, like you suggested. It is now in first person, with an updated description coming shortly. Assassins Apocalypse

I don't remember this, to be honest with you. Maybe you mistook me for someone else? I'll keep you on hold maybe for now and do the next guy, but I'm struggling to remember the instance you're talking about. Perhaps it's someone else in another feedback thread? I could be wrong, my memory sucks at times.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

I didn’t forget you, I’m just a bit busy. Sorry about that. Anyways, here are my uneducated rambles.

Now, I’ll be the first guy to admit he’s not big on works that are primarily focused as battle shounen, so this will very likely color my review as we go on. I also got to chapter 17, then super skimmed till 40 to check something. Yes, I went to RR. I have a reason for that.

First off, let’s talk about story structure. To be honest with you, this felt like a series of action events slapped together, followed by an absolutely gigantic backstory, then followed up by another action set piece. That’s where I got before I peaced out, anyway. I couldn’t parse out the overall arc this story was trying to tell me, or even if there was a logical reasoning for most of anything happening to begin with outside of simple excuses needed to get to the next punch off. It felt entirely self-indulgent, like a first draft that skipped the planning stage and put the pacing into nitrous overdrive.

You took till a quarter of the way to chapter 2 to even introduce one of your main characters (prologue included to count), and up to chapter 6 to introduce the people on the cover. A lot the time between that was focused on the first fight, setting up the next fight, or the celebration while referencing a ton of things the reader doesn’t have a true grasp on yet. It’s okay to reference backstory to allude to depth, but the way it’s done here feels like the wide and shallow approach rather than the small yet deep one.

But then you give a backstory. A roughly 16-17 chapter long one. One that was as big as the story at that point itself. I’ll be frank: This is bad, ultra bad. A backstory of this length belongs as its own novella, because you didn’t set up enough foundation for readers to care about such an extensive break in the primary narrative. Oda and Luffy from One Piece earned those backstories, Haruto hasn’t yet.

Another thing I want to talk about is the fight between Hokuto and Haruto. I feel like you didn’t frame this the right way, because to me it ended up looking like a privileged manchild beating the new kid to near death multiple times because mature discussions or a safe fight framed as a lesson is for nerds. How does Hokuto decide to try and get the newbies away from here? Just beat the shit out of the man while the wife and child watch, a bloodthirsty audience in tow. Absolute class. The worst part about all this is that Hokuto has a history of being this awful, considering upper management reluctantly puts up with him, and you made all these things a reader’s first impression about him. The problem here isn’t that awful protagonists can’t exist, it’s that awful protagonists get appropriate consequences for their foul actions. Otherwise, it stews resentment, an emotion a reader is usually meant to reserve for a villain.

Some characters I will admit were difficult to put up with. I feel like most of them don’t act like actual adults at all, but caricatures that imitate attempted maturity instead. I think this comes down to how basic a lot of the morality and ethical dilemmas seemed like without an in depth look, and how some people acted self-serving while honestly being blind to their hypocrisy, yet barely called out in that. The reason Hokuto straight up bullied Haruto is a prime example of this, or how Haruto’s past seemed like a gotta-catch-them-all collection of tragedies thrown at the reader all at once while they wonder when the story will go back to the primary narrative.

Grammar-wise, I don’t have a list for you here. I’ll admit a lot of my attention went toward my criticisms for the plot, characters and structure over the presentation of sentences. The upside is that the prose is pretty okay, but I think there was quite a lean toward fast, choppy sentences due to the preference for blazing action and more of an overall telling style to keep pace with that.

SH wise, I’d give you a 3. Truthfully, it is a 2. I couldn’t handle all the shallow action without constructed, deep meaning behind them and a couple of the characters were difficult for me to tolerate. I’m sure there’s great stuff in this story, but as it stands I guess it’s not for me to find out.


I don't remember this, to be honest with you. Maybe you mistook me for someone else? I'll keep you on hold maybe for now and do the next guy, but I'm struggling to remember the instance you're talking about. Perhaps it's someone else in another feedback thread? I could be wrong, my memory sucks at times.

Thank you! But I must say you kinda fell short on your critique in some parts. Actually, scratch that, you even got my MC’s name wrong (Hokori, not Hokuto). The one thing you should really note here is that World Story is meta, and I mean very. All the action scenes do indeed piece together, but you’d have to read 100+ chapters or so. Of course, I can’t force people, so here are some highlights:

Hokori is prideful to a fault because he’s a corruption of light novel heroes. I made him legit stronger than everyone on purpose. He gatekeeps newbies because he doesn’t want anyone else to be an archmage delegate. Why? Because mage work is just legal adventurism. His late brother learned that the hard way, and Haruto reminds him so much of him. A few chapters later, and the six MCs become family (*insert Vin Diesel voice here*).

Haruto was the one who wanted to fight, not Hokori. The idea here is that the prideful brawler didn’t throw hands first and decided to entertain Kirito 2.0. After all, he too had a lot of pride in his abilities, just not in a bloodthirsty way.

Now, Haruto is an obvious take of his SAO expy. Even the way that his parents died is similar to how Kirito’s did. At the start, he questioned his father what it’s like to have siblings, being an only child. His backstory served to show how he learned to empathize with others. So yes, you’re right. Haruto hasn’t earned his backstory yet, because I plan to do that in the literal end. Same for the rest of the six MCs.

Since you mentioned One Piece, that’s exactly how I wanted my story structured. But again, I know you’re not an AI that can read 20 chapters per minute. The world I built is really, really big. So much so that I already have a prequel in the drafts. Oda taught me I can finish a story even in my 40s. So I decided with the breadcrumbs approach hidden within fast paced action.

None of my action scenes are built for the sake of it. For example, the Hokori vs. Haruto battle had the latter turn into a fanged thing with blue flames. Then, after his backstory, they battle demons: a race known for using fire. Heck, their fight hinted a backstory. Hokori is the same “race” as Haruto’s late brother. Again, just picture Vin Diesel saying family. It’s one of my core themes.

With that said, I am revising my chapters. So I get why you think they’re in draft form as you read on. I only published chapters with better structure at 65. It’s why I decided to post on SH.

I legit take things into account with everything I write. Even the first monster you see becomes prominent later on. Yet with so much going on in my head, I couldn’t cram it in 2k words.

 

[Edd99]

I didn’t forget you, I’m just a bit busy. Sorry about that. Anyways, here are my uneducated rambles.

Now, I’ll be the first guy to admit he’s not big on works that are primarily focused as battle shounen, so this will very likely color my review as we go on. I also got to chapter 17, then super skimmed till 40 to check something. Yes, I went to RR. I have a reason for that.

First off, let’s talk about story structure. To be honest with you, this felt like a series of action events slapped together, followed by an absolutely gigantic backstory, then followed up by another action set piece. That’s where I got before I peaced out, anyway. I couldn’t parse out the overall arc this story was trying to tell me, or even if there was a logical reasoning for most of anything happening to begin with outside of simple excuses needed to get to the next punch off. It felt entirely self-indulgent, like a first draft that skipped the planning stage and put the pacing into nitrous overdrive.

You took till a quarter of the way to chapter 2 to even introduce one of your main characters (prologue included to count), and up to chapter 6 to introduce the people on the cover. A lot the time between that was focused on the first fight, setting up the next fight, or the celebration while referencing a ton of things the reader doesn’t have a true grasp on yet. It’s okay to reference backstory to allude to depth, but the way it’s done here feels like the wide and shallow approach rather than the small yet deep one.

But then you give a backstory. A roughly 16-17 chapter long one. One that was as big as the story at that point itself. I’ll be frank: This is bad, ultra bad. A backstory of this length belongs as its own novella, because you didn’t set up enough foundation for readers to care about such an extensive break in the primary narrative. Oda and Luffy from One Piece earned those backstories, Haruto hasn’t yet.

Another thing I want to talk about is the fight between Hokuto and Haruto. I feel like you didn’t frame this the right way, because to me it ended up looking like a privileged manchild beating the new kid to near death multiple times because mature discussions or a safe fight framed as a lesson is for nerds. How does Hokuto decide to try and get the newbies away from here? Just beat the shit out of the man while the wife and child watch, a bloodthirsty audience in tow. Absolute class. The worst part about all this is that Hokuto has a history of being this awful, considering upper management reluctantly puts up with him, and you made all these things a reader’s first impression about him. The problem here isn’t that awful protagonists can’t exist, it’s that awful protagonists get appropriate consequences for their foul actions. Otherwise, it stews resentment, an emotion a reader is usually meant to reserve for a villain.

Some characters I will admit were difficult to put up with. I feel like most of them don’t act like actual adults at all, but caricatures that imitate attempted maturity instead. I think this comes down to how basic a lot of the morality and ethical dilemmas seemed like without an in depth look, and how some people acted self-serving while honestly being blind to their hypocrisy, yet barely called out in that. The reason Hokuto straight up bullied Haruto is a prime example of this, or how Haruto’s past seemed like a gotta-catch-them-all collection of tragedies thrown at the reader all at once while they wonder when the story will go back to the primary narrative.

Grammar-wise, I don’t have a list for you here. I’ll admit a lot of my attention went toward my criticisms for the plot, characters and structure over the presentation of sentences. The upside is that the prose is pretty okay, but I think there was quite a lean toward fast, choppy sentences due to the preference for blazing action and more of an overall telling style to keep pace with that.

SH wise, I’d give you a 3. Truthfully, it is a 2. I couldn’t handle all the shallow action without constructed, deep meaning behind them and a couple of the characters were difficult for me to tolerate. I’m sure there’s great stuff in this story, but as it stands I guess it’s not for me to find out.


I don't remember this, to be honest with you. Maybe you mistook me for someone else? I'll keep you on hold maybe for now and do the next guy, but I'm struggling to remember the instance you're talking about. Perhaps it's someone else in another feedback thread? I could be wrong, my memory sucks at times.

Oh yeah mb it was actually somebody else really sorry but could u review my book anyways? :) Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/530098-assassins-apocalypse/chapter/538914/

 

[Proctor]

Thank you! But I must say you kinda fell short on your critique in some parts. Actually, scratch that, you even got my MC’s name wrong (Hokori, not Hokuto). The one thing you should really note here is that World Story is meta, and I mean very. All the action scenes do indeed piece together, but you’d have to read 100+ chapters or so. Of course, I can’t force people, so here are some highlights:

Hokori is prideful to a fault because he’s a corruption of light novel heroes. I made him legit stronger than everyone on purpose. He gatekeeps newbies because he doesn’t want anyone else to be an archmage delegate. Why? Because mage work is just legal adventurism. His late brother learned that the hard way, and Haruto reminds him so much of him. A few chapters later, and the six MCs become family (*insert Vin Diesel voice here*).

Haruto was the one who wanted to fight, not Hokori. The idea here is that the prideful brawler didn’t throw hands first and decided to entertain Kirito 2.0. After all, he too had a lot of pride in his abilities, just not in a bloodthirsty way.

Now, Haruto is an obvious take of his SAO expy. Even the way that his parents died is similar to how Kirito’s did. At the start, he questioned his father what it’s like to have siblings, being an only child. His backstory served to show how he learned to empathize with others. So yes, you’re right. Haruto hasn’t earned his backstory yet, because I plan to do that in the literal end. Same for the rest of the six MCs.

Since you mentioned One Piece, that’s exactly how I wanted my story structured. But again, I know you’re not an AI that can read 20 chapters per minute. The world I built is really, really big. So much so that I already have a prequel in the drafts. Oda taught me I can finish a story even in my 40s. So I decided with the breadcrumbs approach hidden within fast paced action.

None of my action scenes are built for the sake of it. For example, the Hokori vs. Haruto battle had the latter turn into a fanged thing with blue flames. Then, after his backstory, they battle demons: a race known for using fire. Heck, their fight hinted a backstory. Hokori is the same “race” as Haruto’s late brother. Again, just picture Vin Diesel saying family. It’s one of my core themes.

With that said, I am revising my chapters. So I get why you think they’re in draft form as you read on. I only published chapters with better structure at 65. It’s why I decided to post on SH.

The name miss likely came from an autocorrect and I must've run with it, sorry about that.

You said all that action pieces together after 100 chapters. If one assumes an average of 2000 words a pop, that's still 200,000 words before people get a deeper understanding of your overarching plot. That is a gigantic investment outside of creating an easier-to-understand, overarching narrative laced with general arcs. Also, the world being Meta means what, exactly? Konosuba and Deadpool did Meta the right way, the references were jokes or parodies of tropes that benefitted their punchlines, and were chosen carefully. Your story felt like a Meta mega hotpot of whatever you liked, in my opinion. Maybe the Pokemon scene gave a bit of an impression about Hokori's underlying arrogance, and a couple of the music titles had an obvious impression, but leaning so hard on this meta means less room for actual world-building.

My point about Hokori was the first impression, not the entire character. You have to understand the point of view of a reader, not an author with all the knowledge under their disposal. And I did read the part where they become 'family', my other point was that Hokori got away with being the way he is with barely any repercussions, just because he's strong. The framing here was bad to me because it made it look like Hokori had justification to be that brutal when he did not. He literally turned a guy into a punching bag right after bullying him.

Also, Haruto might've wanted to fight, but it was clear as day that Hokori egged this on FIRST, with the explicit intent of getting a rise out of him. Hokori does not get a pass just because Haruto gets entirely belittled, gets beer spilled on him, and couldn't hold in his anger. Wait, I almost forgot, Hokori threw his beer mug real hard at Haruto's daughter too. Even with Hokori's assumption that Haruto might be able to stop it, that was attempted physical violence against Haruto's family, a child at that. This is where the framing comes in again; Hokori was the first asshole here, and the fight starts with that impression in mind.

The problem with your breadcrumbs approach in my opinion is that your significant emphasis on action over everything else shadows the depth you're trying to convey. Action is so center stage it eclipses the characters; as I said before, we didn't get a main character till partway through chapter 2. Also, to get even deeper with the backstory stuff, a lot of when it's done in One Piece is either quickly at a mid-point (most only last pages at their peak) or were built up in the arcs before to culminate as their own payoff, like with Luffy. Again, you used 16+ chapters after giving readers the same amount on the main narrative for a backstory. It's entirely the wrong time to do this. I don't know how else to describe to you that you do not dump 16+ chapters of backstory all at once that early in. It's better to reference the past as the actual story goes along. This gives me 'Nam flashbacks of 4 Cut Hero. Novels are entirely different beasts from manga, comics, anime, and television.

Now battle shounen is not my forte, but I'm still going to try and explain myself here.

None of my action scenes are built for the sake of it. For example, the Hokori vs. Haruto battle had the latter turn into a fanged thing with blue flames.

Did you foreshadow that this might reference anything here going forward? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt if you did, and I'll have a look, but most of what I remember is this form being dangerous for Haruto's health and nothing about Hokori feeling emotive about it referencing demons in his old days.
Edit: I had a look. While Hokori mentions he's fought them before, it doesn't seem to go any deeper than this. If this was foreshadowing, it was too vague, in my opinion. Or was it just foreshadowing that they'd fight demons? Not reading the demon fight makes emphasizing my point annoying here, but I didn't get an impression that the arena fight was doing much outside of showcasing power levels and hazing the new guy. This fight lasted a long ass time too comparative to its value, but that might be my subjective taste at work.

Then, after his backstory, they battle demons: a race known for using fire.

Your backstory was 16-17 chapters long. It was an entire arc of its own, slotted in a bad place. Combine that with a vague reference, and you get lost readers. I skimmed here so I can't give you explicit detail, sorry, but you have to understand that the gigantic backstory was an incredibly bad decision where it is, in my opinion. It looked like an entire life story, choking the pace of the main plot, that's why I suggested leaving it as a novella.

Heck, their fight hinted a backstory. Hokori is the same “race” as Haruto’s late brother.

If this is referencing the demon fight, again, I skimmed, so I can't give detail. What I will say is that readers have to get through a lot to even get to this point in the story, and in my opinion, it might be valuable to re-evaluate what's necessary and what is not.

I'll edit most likely later on. Again, even if you're redrafting, I can only read what I see. What you're putting out is what elicited my uneducated response.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

I don't know how else to describe to you that you do not dump 16+ chapters of backstory all at once that early in. It's better to reference the past as the actual story goes along.

You know, that’s funny. That’s what I did for Hokori in the coming chapters. Because every backstory of the six MCs connect, especially with the villains they fought. And I don’t know if I did this right, but Haruto’s wife (Tokino) also has a backstory arc in the middle of another. The payoff is that she took revenge on her abusive mother (and I mean very, as she groomed her to be an executioner that tortures prisoners). What ties both arcs together is that said mother has a vendetta on Hokori for killing the main villain for my prequel (trust me, she went as far as to gentrify his hometown when she became CEO of a refueling company).

I merely touched on his backstory in this arc and decided to give Tokino the main spotlight. And let me tell you, I had more fun writing hers than Haruto’s. I built up her severe anger issues and amnesia in a way that perfectly tied with Hokori’s elder sibling instincts. They’ve been apart for two years, and the arc ends with him convincing Tokino to come out of the supreme court’s detention center even as the king pardoned her crimes. And, of course, family wins because Vin Diesel told me so.

Now that I think about it, there’s a scene in an arc where Haruto jumps in a pit of black goo (for complicated reasons). And he gets strangled by his late brother, dream sequence-style. I could probably shoehorn a paragraph where Haruto’s daughter (also an MC) wants to hear his backstory again. Or maybe even Hokori forgetting the entire plot after just two days. The latter’s much harder to pull off, honestly.

Edit: you know what? I legit cooked up a much better Hokori vs. Haruto fight. It’s not the best, but hear me out:

Hokori acts like a light novel villain in the first half, as always. But after they heal Haruto from the fatal lariat, Hokori doesn’t lay a finger on him for ten minutes. “Hit my left nut, and I’ll hit yours!” he dodges and bobs to and fro, grinning in a chuckle. As it goes on, since Haruto is a parody, something awakens in him through frustration. After Hokori reverts Haruto’s demon form, he yells “Show me more!”, and the final battle commences. But once again, even with Haruto’s strongest state, he dodges and weaves through every swing. After a forfeit fake-out, he still karate chops Haruto’s neck and wins.

I like this more because it accents Hokori’s title as Peerless Champion better than what I wrote. Even with Haruto’s best, he could only scratch him in his unintentional demon form. Once over, he gets a proper wake-up call from the man who truly honed his pride—to the point he never needed to bother with a Kirito clone. Cliched? Probably. But then again, I’m a huge fan of characters like Gilgamesh, Kenpachi, and Yujiro.

 

[ProjCRys]

I've created this thread in the hope of honing my self-editing skills. If you do post here looking for a review, do note that it may take a while - from hours to days - to get back to you depending on my circumstances. (work, my writing, etc.)

What to expect: An amateur's general opinion of what I saw, what I liked and didn't like, mentions of general narrative structure, and grammar if it stands out too much. I'll generally go through a handful of chapters to get a feel before I reply.
What not to expect: A paid editor's overview. I'm not one of those.

A couple of things before you post:

- Let me know if you want it on SH or here. I'm gentler on SH due to the nature of the rating system, while I won't hold back as much here. If you want an example, I go by the same name on the main site and have already done a few reviews before. (Probably better to look at the 3 and 4-star ones.)​

- If you don't specify, I'll just assume you wanted it here and will act as such.​

- I won't review stories with these elements: Scat, Golden Showers (If it's super mild, okay), Fetishized Rape, Snuff (unless it's shown as horror), Netorare, Netorase, Vore, Pedophilia.​

​

Preference Sheet:

(Note that I'll read anything except what I explicitly stated above, this is just to give you an idea of the kind of person I am so you can gauge whether or not I'm within your target audience if that matters.)​

Love It: Soft Sci-fi, Mystery, Harem, Action, Adventure, Comedy, Romance, Seinen.
Like It: Fantasy, Horror, Ecchi, Adult, Mature, Girls Love, Mecha, Smut, Supernatural.
Neutral: Hard Sci-fi, LitRPG, Gender Bender, Drama, Historical, Isekai, Josei, Martial Arts, Psychological, School Life, Slice of Life, Tragedy, Incest, Furry.
Dislike: Fanfiction, Sports, Boys Love, Futanari, Asshole MC.

I guess that's it for now. If I remember something I'll be sure to add it to this post.

Just starting writing my novel. If you can tell me what to improve it would be very helpful for me.

This story is about an failed artificial human project in an abandoned world. Since you're neutral to the genres of my novel, I appreciate it with your unbiased opinions.

Masako's Life In An Abandoned World

 

[Proctor]

You know, that’s funny. That’s what I did for Hokori in the coming chapters. Because every backstory of the six MCs connect, especially with the villains they fought. And I don’t know if I did this right, but Haruto’s wife (Tokino) also has a backstory arc in the middle of another. The payoff is that she took revenge on her abusive mother (and I mean very, as she groomed her to be an executioner that tortures prisoners). What ties both arcs together is that said mother has a vendetta on Hokori for killing the main villain for my prequel (trust me, she went as far as to gentrify his hometown when she became CEO of a refueling company).

I merely touched on his backstory in this arc and decided to give Tokino the main spotlight. And let me tell you, I had more fun writing hers than Haruto’s. I built up her severe anger issues and amnesia in a way that perfectly tied with Hokori’s elder sibling instincts. They’ve been apart for two years, and the arc ends with him convincing Tokino to come out of the supreme court’s detention center even as the king pardoned her crimes. And, of course, family wins because Vin Diesel told me so.

Now that I think about it, there’s a scene in an arc where Haruto jumps in a pit of black goo (for complicated reasons). And he gets strangled by his late brother, dream sequence-style. I could probably shoehorn a paragraph where Haruto’s daughter (also an MC) wants to hear his backstory again. Or maybe even Hokori forgetting the entire plot after just two days. The latter’s much harder to pull off, honestly.

I can't give much of a response since I didn't get that far, but if you started referencing the past as the main story goes after that big backstory, I'd say it was a step in a better direction. The thing is that the giant backstory still exists, and I don't know what you want to do with it, but I recommend against using it as it is.

Good luck with your story. I'm sorry if my opinion doesn't seem that useful to you.

Edit: you know what? I legit cooked up a much better Hokori vs. Haruto fight. It’s not the best, but hear me out:

-

I like this more because it accents Hokori’s title as Peerless Champion better than what I wrote. Even with Haruto’s best, he could only scratch him in his unintentional demon form. Once over, he gets a proper wake-up call from the man who truly honed his pride—to the point he never needed to bother with a Kirito clone. Cliched? Probably. But then again, I’m a huge fan of characters like Gilgamesh, Kenpachi, and Yujiro.

This does look like a softer rendition of the battle, with more emphasis on the disparity of power, but I'd like to point out that what happened at the bar still exists. The two were still like cats and dogs until after the backstory, and I think Hokori could've at least made a more genuine apology earlier while still showcasing his might. It's the underlying lack of consequences I'm trying to point out here since that bad blood was allowed to sit for so long under a bad framing. It's not as if characters aren't allowed to hate each other, but he still tossed a mug at high speed at the dude's adopted kid, you know.

Oh yeah mb it was actually somebody else really sorry but could u review my book anyways? :) Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/530098-assassins-apocalypse/chapter/538914/

I'm going to have to apologize here, there's only one chapter again. I'd rather not end up being a beta reader and having to review a chapter every time it gets updated, otherwise, I'd be swamped with work.

 

[Snowyflakes]

Hello! I would like a review as well. Thank you in advance! Edit: I forgot to mention that I want it here.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/536925/under-thanatos-gaze/

 

[CrazyKid21]

I would like some feedback

 

[Proctor]

Well, I think I have seen similar threads like this, but I would be pleased to give this novel a try. Currently, I'm continuing the drafts, as school weeks are getting close. Especially the romantic part, I need some help with that one.
Genres: Isekai (Neutral, but not some random truck hitting average people), Girl's Love (Like), Adventure (Love)
Paradise Of The Stars | Scribble Hub

Sorry I’m late, busy as usual. Here are my uneducated rambles. I read both chapters available at the time before posting this feedback.

I didn’t touch on much with prologues regarding most others but I decided this time to single you out in particular. Now your prologue isn’t criminal or anything, but I think — as with most peoples’ prologues — that it might not have been necessary as it is. One common thing new authors tend to forget with prologues is that in using it, you’re taking the risk of having to sell the reader to your story with two openings instead of one.

First, I’d like to point out that your prologue starts with a straight exposition of your fantasy world for about 953~ words, something heavily advised against in modern fiction literature today. Decades ago people might have tolerated this, but nowadays readers tend to skip these over at best. Speaking of skip overs, there are readers in the web novel sphere that skip named prologues in their entirety, which is why you can see prologues with fewer views than the first chapter in a fair few stories.

For the last two-thirds of the prologue, I can see your intent behind it. I think the goal was a semi in-media-res opening that focused on the magic system in action crossed with setting the tone and introducing one of the main antagonists. This is pretty decent, all things considered, but I’d argue that if you really want to keep this prologue, try and compact the size as much as you can. Even Patrick Rothfuss’s infamous prologue in ‘The Name of the Wind’ only spanned a single page.

(While there are exceptions to prologues like the Wheel of Time series and the Way of Kings, the former has the advantage of traditional publishing that implies initial investment from the reader via purchase and wide marketing while the latter has the author readily admitting he didn’t write that series with normal readers in mind, something he can get away with because he’s Brandon Sanderson.)

Your chapter one is basic but solid, concept wise. It starts with the aftermath of a plane crash and goes through the main character’s confusion as she begins to adapt to her new surroundings.

One thing to note though is that you made no mention about the lack of corpses scattered about. I imagine they were pilots of an Airbus of sorts, hence the mention of passenger seats, screaming passengers in the memory, and packages. Even in the panicked haze of trying to find her friend, I imagine Lanyl not finding Purrine’s body or anyone else for that matter would’ve struck as odd. This would also feed into a theory that Purrine might not have died, something Lanyl would love to latch onto, in my opinion.

Now you mentioned GL in your story, and I’m not sure where the two characters are at in their relationship, but I was getting best friend vibes from the flashbacks. If this is a story where the two are learning that both might have wanted something more intimate, this is a nice starting point. However, if they were at a more romantic point, then the lack of intimate, romantic details might catch a few readers unaware. I only have my doubts because Lanyl said ‘Beloved One’ early on but the relationship looked like besties, so my assumption was that Lanyl and Purrine were too scared to take the next step and sat on the status quo with bottled-up feelings.

Grammar-wise, apart from the habit of slipping into present tense, I do have one particular complaint. There are times when I think you’re trying to show emotions but end up using the words outright instead of describing actions and thoughts that would get the idea across. One trick to get yourself into ‘showing’ is to avoid using the exact word you want to convey, and instead describe actions, emotions, or dialogue that allude to them. An example is what you wrote with Lanyl’s tears in ugly freefall, dropping onto the grass, and the usage of ‘fall and fall’ alluding to a long frame of time. It’s grief without explicitly saying it is.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: Just a few to prove my point on the present tense

‘To make it short, they assist the aircrews to land safely at another destination.’
-This is present tense. ‘Assisted’.

‘With her luck, she can make new friends and allies with her sensible soul, but maybe the synchronization would be just the tip of the iceberg before real dangers arrive.’
-This is present tense. ‘Could’, and ‘arrived’, I think.

'Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes. Start drifting into thoughts and flashbacks...'
- The last sentence is present tense and fragmented in an odd way. Was it meant to be internal dialogue?

All in all, it's a 3 for me on both fronts.

 

[Proctor]

Just starting writing my novel. If you can tell me what to improve it would be very helpful for me.

This story is about an failed artificial human project in an abandoned world. Since you're neutral to the genres of my novel, I appreciate it with your unbiased opinions.

Masako's Life In An Abandoned World

Hello, since you didn’t specify I’ll put my uneducated rambles here. I also read all chapters at the time of this post.

Now first off, I will say that my lolicon danger sensor went on yellow alert every so often, but ultimately I gave you a cautious pass based on the rest of the piece. The mild eroticism with the ear play and all that was a bit ‘why do this’ to me considering the physical appearance of Masako, and I would’ve preferred a more wholesome version instead, like it being a relaxing coping mechanism after a bout of psychological stress, but oh well.

This is also one of those uncommon occasions where I think your prologue is actually your first chapter, in terms of labeling. It’s set in a way that starts the story from the MC’s point of view and the ‘first chapter’ comes in direct plot continuation of it chronologically, feeling less like a second opening and more like a chapter two.

Speaking of the ‘prologue’, the minor fake-out twist with the dream and the reality was a nice touch, as was the fact that the Wingdings portion simulating a malfunction wasn’t gibberish and does translate into actual sentences if a reader is so inclined to decipher it. Even better is that casual readers don’t have to take the extra step to figure out the general gist, but the encouragement to go the extra step by rewarding details primes an involved reader to try and read more into the narrative for those extra bits that might help solve the mysteries. I’ll even give out bonus points for turning what would usually be the average death into a question itself. Did events really pan out that way? What is the truth, and what is a fabrication? Good leading questions for readers to have in the back of their minds.

Before I talk about some of the later chapters, I want to talk about the genre tags for a moment. I think there’s a good case for tagging mystery to your story, and a consideration for horror. The mystery part is obvious; there’s a heavy lean toward wanting to find answers about what happened, whether it be about what caused the apocalypse or what really happened in Masako’s past. As for horror, I think it’s something to consider depending on how much the rest of your narrative leans on that mix of existential dread and ambient shock factor regarding things like the mangled body begging for help or how the corrupted memories in Masako’s mind indirectly causes them to draw their old friend as a potential corpse. Not having the tag may catch some readers by unwanted surprise, especially since your cover is cute in tone, a direct contrast to what lies beneath. The contrast is great, mind you, just that adding the tag would help clarify the gravity of the atmosphere if the later chapters lean more into the psychological/ambient horror angle.

Okay, so I was taken aback a little when Masako started eating tree leaves alongside flowers to sustain themselves initially. It isn’t exactly that they aren’t edible, it’s that most tree leaves we know of and think about have the kind of things (like cellulose) typical human digestive systems aren’t able to turn into useful amounts of energy. Of course, since your world is a sci-fi and the protagonist isn’t exactly human, one could wave this thought away, but it was something that took me out of the immersion for a little since it didn’t seem to be addressed.

The elevator and other appliances working suggest a working power supply at the outset, which kind of surprised me considering the lonely post-apocalypse feel. Then again I also remembered that Masako came out of a bio-tube of sorts, and the place also seemed to house its own house of horrors, so perhaps the building having an independent and/or emergency energy supply pre-rigged to keep stuff from getting out kind of makes sense. I also don’t remember seeing if Masako bothered barricading places once she realized she might not have been alone in the building considering her cowardly nature, but I might be wrong. I suppose my overall feeling is that some of my questions took me out of the immersion if only for a little while. Perhaps some clarity or questions on the MC’s end might help?

Grammar-wise, usually I’d complain about the onomatopoeia, but the way you use it tends to highlight Masako’s helpless yet adorable nature, or as a way to guide the reader into the prose’s rhythm during moments of action. I don’t think the asterisk highlighting ‘crack’ and ‘psssh’ was that necessary during that one scene, though that’s my opinion.

There are also occasions where you slip tenses, and sometimes the wrong word is used, but otherwise the mistakes aren’t too intrusive.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: Just a handful to get an idea

'Not wanting to go through this kind of pain for eternity, I kept punching, kicking and slamming my body with the remaining strength I have left.'
- ‘Had’ instead of have, I think, otherwise, it’s likely present tense.

‘Though I'm not completely human either, I ignored it as there won't be anyone out there to judge me anymore. Until the view from the rooftop tells me otherwise, it feels lonely that there aren't any people around me anymore.’
- The sentences feel kinda redundant in the way they say the same thing about nobody around but with only a mild difference relating to judgment or loneliness. The ‘anymore’ ending both sentences highlight this unintentionally.

‘With profiles of strangers varying from elderly to children. Under their names were texts telling the reader like they're some sort of abomination.’
- I think this was meant to be one sentence. Separated they act kind of like two fragmented ones instead with an odd flow.

‘The sound dripping water from the ceiling filled the dark corridor. From the pile of corpses had been devoured, it shook the ground in their wake.’
- I think there’s an ‘of’ between sound and dripping.
- I think a ‘that’ is supposed to be between corpses and had.
- Perhaps ‘something’ instead of it for clarity, or ‘the creature’?

‘Kneeling down on the ground, the gentle breeze caressed my body. Raising my head, the sight in front of me both sooth and hurts my heart.’
- ’Soothed’, I assume. Sooth means truth.
- ‘Hurt’ as well, since otherwise, I think the sentence is present tense.

SH wise I’d give you a 5, in truth I’d give a 4. I gave a higher SH rating because despite the tragedy tag, this is the type of story that attracts a good chunk of niche readers from different groups due to there being elements they’d like crossed with elements they’d tolerate. It’s a hard balancing act but you’re doing a decent job of it so far, I reckon.

 

[Sahrynar]

I would also love a review when you get the chance! I'm super new here, so I'm not sure what "want it on here or SH" means, so I'll leave it up to you!
I only have the first three chapters polished, but have written about 2.5 books in this series. I've been debating if I should upload the rest of the rough chapters or not. Although they are readable, they are very clearly first drafts, but I don't have the time atm to fix them. Please also let me know if you think I should upload the rest or wait until I have time to edit them more.
Thank you in advance for your help!

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...rech-book-one-of-the-guardians-of-lajen-saga/

 

[ProjCRys]

Hello, since you didn’t specify I’ll put my uneducated rambles here. I also read all chapters at the time of this post.

Now first off, I will say that my lolicon danger sensor went on yellow alert every so often, but ultimately I gave you a cautious pass based on the rest of the piece. The mild eroticism with the ear play and all that was a bit ‘why do this’ to me considering the physical appearance of Masako, and I would’ve preferred a more wholesome version instead, like it being a relaxing coping mechanism after a bout of psychological stress, but oh well.

This is also one of those uncommon occasions where I think your prologue is actually your first chapter, in terms of labeling. It’s set in a way that starts the story from the MC’s point of view and the ‘first chapter’ comes in direct plot continuation of it chronologically, feeling less like a second opening and more like a chapter two.

Speaking of the ‘prologue’, the minor fake-out twist with the dream and the reality was a nice touch, as was the fact that the Wingdings portion simulating a malfunction wasn’t gibberish and does translate into actual sentences if a reader is so inclined to decipher it. Even better is that casual readers don’t have to take the extra step to figure out the general gist, but the encouragement to go the extra step by rewarding details primes an involved reader to try and read more into the narrative for those extra bits that might help solve the mysteries. I’ll even give out bonus points for turning what would usually be the average death into a question itself. Did events really pan out that way? What is the truth, and what is a fabrication? Good leading questions for readers to have in the back of their minds.

Before I talk about some of the later chapters, I want to talk about the genre tags for a moment. I think there’s a good case for tagging mystery to your story, and a consideration for horror. The mystery part is obvious; there’s a heavy lean toward wanting to find answers about what happened, whether it be about what caused the apocalypse or what really happened in Masako’s past. As for horror, I think it’s something to consider depending on how much the rest of your narrative leans on that mix of existential dread and ambient shock factor regarding things like the mangled body begging for help or how the corrupted memories in Masako’s mind indirectly causes them to draw their old friend as a potential corpse. Not having the tag may catch some readers by unwanted surprise, especially since your cover is cute in tone, a direct contrast to what lies beneath. The contrast is great, mind you, just that adding the tag would help clarify the gravity of the atmosphere if the later chapters lean more into the psychological/ambient horror angle.

Okay, so I was taken aback a little when Masako started eating tree leaves alongside flowers to sustain themselves initially. It isn’t exactly that they aren’t edible, it’s that most tree leaves we know of and think about have the kind of things (like cellulose) typical human digestive systems aren’t able to turn into useful amounts of energy. Of course, since your world is a sci-fi and the protagonist isn’t exactly human, one could wave this thought away, but it was something that took me out of the immersion for a little since it didn’t seem to be addressed.

The elevator and other appliances working suggest a working power supply at the outset, which kind of surprised me considering the lonely post-apocalypse feel. Then again I also remembered that Masako came out of a bio-tube of sorts, and the place also seemed to house its own house of horrors, so perhaps the building having an independent and/or emergency energy supply pre-rigged to keep stuff from getting out kind of makes sense. I also don’t remember seeing if Masako bothered barricading places once she realized she might not have been alone in the building considering her cowardly nature, but I might be wrong. I suppose my overall feeling is that some of my questions took me out of the immersion if only for a little while. Perhaps some clarity or questions on the MC’s end might help?

Grammar-wise, usually I’d complain about the onomatopoeia, but the way you use it tends to highlight Masako’s helpless yet adorable nature, or as a way to guide the reader into the prose’s rhythm during moments of action. I don’t think the asterisk highlighting ‘crack’ and ‘psssh’ was that necessary during that one scene, though that’s my opinion.

There are also occasions where you slip tenses, and sometimes the wrong word is used, but otherwise the mistakes aren’t too intrusive.

Grammar pile: (Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong or ignore my advice)

Spoiler: Just a handful to get an idea

'Not wanting to go through this kind of pain for eternity, I kept punching, kicking and slamming my body with the remaining strength I have left.'
- ‘Had’ instead of have, I think, otherwise, it’s likely present tense.

‘Though I'm not completely human either, I ignored it as there won't be anyone out there to judge me anymore. Until the view from the rooftop tells me otherwise, it feels lonely that there aren't any people around me anymore.’
- The sentences feel kinda redundant in the way they say the same thing about nobody around but with only a mild difference relating to judgment or loneliness. The ‘anymore’ ending both sentences highlight this unintentionally.

‘With profiles of strangers varying from elderly to children. Under their names were texts telling the reader like they're some sort of abomination.’
- I think this was meant to be one sentence. Separated they act kind of like two fragmented ones instead with an odd flow.

‘The sound dripping water from the ceiling filled the dark corridor. From the pile of corpses had been devoured, it shook the ground in their wake.’
- I think there’s an ‘of’ between sound and dripping.
- I think a ‘that’ is supposed to be between corpses and had.
- Perhaps ‘something’ instead of it for clarity, or ‘the creature’?

‘Kneeling down on the ground, the gentle breeze caressed my body. Raising my head, the sight in front of me both sooth and hurts my heart.’
- ’Soothed’, I assume. Sooth means truth.
- ‘Hurt’ as well, since otherwise, I think the sentence is present tense.

SH wise I’d give you a 5, in truth I’d give a 4. I gave a higher SH rating because despite the tragedy tag, this is the type of story that attracts a good chunk of niche readers from different groups due to there being elements they’d like crossed with elements they’d tolerate. It’s a hard balancing act but you’re doing a decent job of it so far, I reckon.

Thanks for reading my story.

At first, I thought of it as some sort of mix between dark fantasy and scifi, so I just added fantasy as a replacement. So I think you're right about adding horror and mystery tag to my story.

About my grammar errors, I'll immediately fix it. English isn't my first language, so it helps that someone managed to point out my mistakes.

Regarding the plot, I might rewrite it along the way of fixing the grammar error while I strengthen it without disrupting the flow of my narrative.

When talking about Masako's behavior, I kind of based it on my past self. On her eating leaves, were my first line of thoughts when there's basically no food around. And about the ear thing, sorry, I kinda let my fantasies run wild when I'm writing that section XD.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

but he still tossed a mug at high speed at the dude's adopted kid, you know.

I’m probably too late to talk about this, but I tackled that issue in a way that most of my readers thought were a metaphor. Yukino, the adopted kid, is a literal empath. Think Mantis from the MCU. In Yukino’s case, she calls emotions “hearts,” and she can control her power at will without touch. Even with the most evasive poker face, she always knows how they truly feel. I revealed it in chapter 10 if you remember.

Sometimes, curiosity gets the better of her, which gives her immense guilt when feeling the “hearts” of dying civilians and mages. Overall, she’s curious to a fault. Upon sensing Hokori’s emotions, she deemed it chaotic, terrified in sweat as to why. In the end, she hadn’t an ounce of bad blood for Hokori because he was terrified of her father. She instead scolded both in tears for not being instant brothers (she legit believes anyone can be family, even if they despise each other).