My last post.

TheGuyThatEveryoneHates

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I feel as though this site as a whole is, at its best, detrimental to my already fragile mental health for reasons that I've mentioned before. Lack of empathy, and the arrogance that comes with being a writer, are a start. I find it disheartening when I see someone who knows they're arguing with a mentally ill person using that illness against them to win a petty argument. I find it disheartening that when people see someone struggling, in a video like this (
) their response is to mock them.

However, I stupidly thought that maybe by participating more in the site, I could somehow find myself enjoying it. What I found, instead, is an undercurrent of racism, and sexism within this site that makes me genuinely uncomfortable. If you guys are happy here, that's fine, I get it, but I'm not, and while initially I thought that the fault was with me, the mentally ill man who was probably taking things far too seriously (not that this isn't entirely true), more and more I'm realizing that maybe the real fault is that I just don't fit in here, and I never will. Heck, I'll probably never fit in anywhere, but I'll keep searching for that mythical place because the alternative is suicide, or isolation.

I want to make this last post special, so, I'll leave the notes that I wrote while editing my story. Maybe you might find them interesting, but probably not.


Editing notes:

Make Sir Phobos more consistent: Part of what I like about Sir Phobos is that he represents a conflicted character. When he cared about the well-being of all creatures and tried to do the morally right thing, he couldn't thrive in his society. When he became a crazed killer he was able to become the most powerful and successful unicorn in London. In the first draft, I mainly focused on his dark side, while in the second I'm adding some new sections, and re-writing old ones, to make him seem a bit more sympathetic. I don't know if this is the right decision.



I really hate the first two chapters. Part of the reason why I start out with a warning, a short poorly-drawn comic, and a 'chapter 0' is that I didn't like that chapter 1 was what I wrote as a first impression. On a conceptual level, it works. I've always believed that the trend of making things appeal to every age-group is a bad idea because you can't make a show for children as light-hearted or fun as it could be if you're shoe-horning in death, addiction, and mental illness. You also can't make a show for adults as compelling as it could be if you have to neuter it so that it's appropriate for kids to watch. Like, imagine how much better Steven Universe could have been if it had an Adults-only rating and could go so much further with its themes? I hate that the advice I got most frequently as a writer, specifically in regards to this story is: "Don't start it off with two male dragons having sex, not everyone likes that," because, well, fuck those people, this story isn't for them, it's for people who would make an attempt to read a story like that because it sounds interesting or appeals to their specific tastes. Not everything has to be made to appeal to everyone, and having that attitude, as well as encouraging others to have it as well, is legitimately damaging to creative works. As a statement of intent, the first chapter works, but it's also excruciating to get through and even people who are into that kind of thing will struggle with it. I need to make it more interesting somehow, or just cut a bunch of stuff out to make it shorter.



I want to add one more scene with Uchinos because I forgot about how awesome he was, and it was a shame that he basically just introduced himself, then he had a weird fetishized death scene which I thought was hilarious as well as kind of cute. When he's introduced, he has all of these defenses up and he continually insults Oryps. As Oryps helps him commit suicide, those walls break down and eventually he asks Oryps to call him 'Precious' as he dies. It's kind of sweet, kind of depressing, and because Uchinos is a comic relief character it's also quite funny. Oryps does go to the afterlife a few times in the story, so maybe he could meet him there.



I need to add more descriptions of the actions in the story. I've always been more comfortable writing dialogue than action scenes, that's why for a while I exclusively worked on writing screenplays. I'm noticing that a number of sections are difficult to read because of how dialogue-focused I am as a writer, and I really worked to improve that as I wrote the story. Later chapters featuring more violent characters like Australia, Sir Phobos, and Sheepfucka are less focused on dialogue, but the early chapters filled with exposition dumps are pretty difficult to get through. Maybe it's just difficult for me because I already know all of that stuff because I wrote it, someone reading it for the first time might be enthralled by all of it, or they might simply giggle because the main antagonist is named Priapism.



Most chapters, particularly the later ones, have different character viewpoints or whatever you call them, but not every switch has a clear written indicator that the switch has happened. I'm going to differentiate them by making the font colors different from around chapter 5(6?) onward, and I'll consider going back to previous chapters and giving them the same treatment.



Re-reading certain chapters that I've already edited, I'm seeing a few mistakes, like getting the tense wrong. When I work on the third draft I will need to pay careful attention to that stuff. On the fourth draft, I want to focus mainly on how the story 'flows'. I'm already getting so sick of reading this story, and I suspect that I will hate it when I'm done. I already hate parts of it.



I wonder if people will understand that most of this story is meant to be taken as a joke. It's meant to be what Star Trek was meant to be, an inherently goofy world filled with characters who look goofy and have goofy names, where all of the characters take everything very seriously. Like, the events in this story are serious for the characters, but it's supposed to be funny to the people reading it. So, say, when Sheepfucka has something horrible happen to him, it's supposed to be tragic, but you're also supposed to laugh a little bit because his name is Sheepfucka, and he talks funny. I always find it weird when people reboot Star Trek and try to take that element out of it. This is why Star Trek: Beyond is my favorite of the trilogy, because it had cool motorcycle stunts and ended with Kirk defeating the bad guys with Beastie Boys music. That's just fun, just like the original Star Trek was fun because it had things like Tribbles, and dancing, as well as Shatner's hilarious overacting. Yes, a character dies in pretty much every episode (much like this story), but it's still very light-hearted.



I'm nervous about showing this story to friends and family because things can get weird if you do that. Like, if you watch Daniel Day Lewis murder someone in a film, you wouldn't think: "Wow, I guess Daniel Day Lewis might want to murder people in real life. Maybe he's already killed people," you would think: "Wow, he's an actor playing a role very convincingly," because there's an element of detachment from the average person and Daniel Day Lewis. When I show things like this to friends and family, they don't have that detachment. So, when they read things like the cannibalism stuff later, or the gay dragons in the first chapter having sex, they're inevitably going to ask me questions about that stuff. But, more importantly, they won't see it as "A story," they'll see it as "A story written by Gerry Weir," and that perspective can completely change how they view it. I think that's partly why people started harshly judging books like Twilight and Ready Player One after the authors became famous. They couldn't read Twilight as: "That romance book about vampires," and instead read it as: "That incredibly popular vampire book written by Stephenie Meyer," or for some people: "That book written by Stephenie Meyer that is much more popular than any book I ever write will be," which makes them hate it.



I think that a number of creative decisions were made due to my frustration over the extremely likely possibility that no one, not even the people I send it to, will read the damn thing and all of my hard work will go to waste. I got to a point where I just went: "Fuck it, no one's gonna read this anyway, let's get weird with it."



I know that reading these notes will be difficult for me. Editing this story, especially with the type of edits I want to make, is very tedious. The tedium makes me frustrated, so I'll smoke weed to relax. I feel like this story has dominated my thoughts for so long, and when it's finished I won't have another creative project to occupy myself for a while. I feel like if I can't point my creative energy at a project, my mind goes to legitimately weird and dark places. I've got a good idea for another story called 'Rabbit Snare' that I want to work on after this story, and it bothers me that I can't work on it until this one is done.



I wonder if people will relate to Oryps in the way that I hope they will. This story is primarily about misfits, and a big part of what makes Oryps appealing to me is that him and Sheepfucka are misfits. Pretty much every member of their species is gay, yet Sheepfucka is a straight character who wants to have sex with females, and Oryps doesn't agree with their ideology or enjoy their company, so he chooses to ally himself with other creatures who he mostly agrees with and enjoys being around at the expense of having to deal with their homophobia and occasionally conflicting ideologies. His conflict with his father, his wife, and his friends sort of shows how much of an outcast he is despite the fact that he is mostly respected and adored by almost everyone he meets in the story. He wants to be good, to feel like he is doing the right thing, but everyone has their own idea of what the right thing is, so he has to almost constantly compromise in order to do the right thing. By the end, he has given up so much, he has lost so much, and he eventually dies in order to do the right thing, and his reward for all of that is eternal suffering while the world moves on without him and arguably becomes a worse place. This stands in contrast with a character like Sir Phobos who actively made the world a better place by being an asshole. It's basically the classic left-wing vs. right-wing dynamic. Sir Phobos was right for the wrong reasons, Oryps was wrong for the right reasons.



I guess that family was on my mind when I started writing this story, and it gets a bit ridiculous at times when by the end it's revealed that Oryps is related to most of the important characters, and Sir Phobos is related to most of the surviving characters. I think that the reason is that when I started writing the second chapter I had a severe nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized for a night partly due to my family. I was approaching the nervous breakdown due to my school being kind of shit and causing trouble in my life. The school was horribly mismanaged, and it caused me a lot of stress. What made things worse was that I was getting messages telling me that my aunt and uncle were abusive alcoholics, as well as a bunch of texts about family drama. I wasn't thinking straight, I made mistakes, and the constant messages about drama just pushed me towards a full nervous breakdown. I think that it was only when the messages stopped that I was able to recover, but the experience definitely influenced my story.



I wonder what people will think about Aishiteru. I don't consider her to be much of a character, she's mostly just in the story as a tool to add metaphors and stuff in the story. For instance, her mate, Ambrosia, never actually says her name until she is dead (I hope that I didn't slip up and make Ambrosia say her name until she dies). Aishiteru means (or so I think, I might be wrong) "I love you," which means that Ambrosia never actually told her mate that she loved her until she was gone. This is meant to be a bit of a commentary on, well, LGBT culture. Statistically, a fairly small percentage of people are actually homosexual, yet I seem to see a ton of lesbians online who all happen to be oversized and insecure. This makes me believe that maybe some of these people, like Amberlynn Reid, aren't actually lesbians. But, they pretend to be lesbians because the culture in the LGBT community (and the fetish/sexuality community in general) is that there are different types of beauty. A fat person is considered ugly in 'normal' society, but a fat lesbian is considered beautiful, and I think that's a big part of why so many people are attracted to being a lesbian even if they might not actually be attracted to women. That might also be why shows/comics featuring LGBT characters written by these women will usually have a plus-sized character (not necessarily fat, but noticeably more plump than other characters. Like Glimmer from She-Ra or Amethyst from Steven Universe). Essentially, Aishiteru is an exaggerated version of one of those 'fat' characters, and Ambrosia never really loved her, she's just with her because she is the queen of the colony. Aishiteru does love Ambrosia, but it isn't a romantic love, more like the love a mother feels for her daughter, but this is kind of where things get very muddy since incest isn't taboo in the colony, so to Aishiteru, a mother/daughter relationship being incestual isn't a bad thing, but for the readers of the story it's a terrible thing. The reason why I added Sugar later in the story was to essentially say: "Hey, incest is bad," because I didn't feel like I could say that in Ambrosia's chapters because she never interacted with anyone who would have any reason to tell her that it was bad. Yeah, I could imagine Aishiteru being extremely controversial, and a very polarizing character. I could imagine people just despising her and Ambrosia. If I'm being honest, I'm one of those people. I hate Ambrosia, but I feel as though the fact that I can hate her means that I should leave her in the story. I believe that the best stories offer you something to hate as well as something to love, that's why I believe that Half-Life is considered to be one of the games that everyone loves, because they can hate the Xen levels, and love most of the other parts of the game.



Dear lord, the self-deprecation in my story can get so obnoxious at times. I never realized how much I hate myself and the things that I create. Why do I have such a low opinion of myself? I don't want to think about that too much.



One of my friends told me not to include references because he claimed that: "If anybody is reading this in 20 years, they won't know what an Xbox is, or Spongebob," I heard the same criticisms about Duke Nukem Forever. I don't think that's a valid criticism anymore. Nothing is really ever allowed to completely die on the internet, especially very popular things. I know what a Sega Saturn is, despite never owning one, seeing one, or using one. I would imagine that if I included a Spongebob reference, or an Adventure Time reference, or a Lil Xan reference, the people reading this story 20 years from now would understand it. Or, if they didn't understand it, they probably have easy access to a search engine and the Internet, and they could look up the reference.



Some of my writing is inspired by what I'll call 'doujin-culture'. I don't know what doujinshi means, but I do like reading those comics with familiar characters doing cool things. It's like fanfiction, but better, and illustrated. I heard that in Japan, protecting IP isn't as big a deal as it is in places like Canada. So, essentially, you're allowed to make a character very similar to Mario called: "Maria," place her in a platforming game, and have her directly compete with the latest Mario platformer for sales without fear of going to court. I doubt that it is as simple as this, but it would explain why Hideo Kojima believed that it was perfectly fine to create a very similar character to Snake Pliskin, and name him 'Snake,' then make games with the character. Anyways, for many of the characters in this story, I used names of similar characters, just like Hideo Kojima did, and I either spelled them backwards, made minor changes to the name to differentiate them, or I just gave them a more fitting name later (Ambrosia was originally named Rare). The most blatant of these examples is Squidward, to the point where I plan to use the character as an argument against this story ever being sold for money if someone ever offers me a publishing deal. I feel as though I will get taken to court over Squidward, and that would really suck.



Maybe I should create a compilation of my favourite lines of dialogue in this story when I am finished. I know that there are some cheesy things that Vein says that I adore. I also like some of the things that Uchinos said, as well as some lines from Sir Phobos. Most of what Dolphina says is pretty good, I didn't really pad her out as much as other characters, so almost everything she says is either important to the plot and lore, or it's just kind of funny. I really think that her observations about Vein's breasts that she somehow had never noticed, has some of my best comedic writing. Some people say that I'm a better comedy writer than a romance writer, horror writer, or suspense writer. But, I don't enjoy writing comedy. I like writing romance stories with horror elements that end in tragedy.



I thought that I had written an entire scene where Sugar watched Hurricane Fluttershy with Squidward and Diamond. I don't know why I thought that.




"It feels like everyone in my life sees me as just a sex object, and I hate it. Sometimes, I hate mom and sometimes I hate you. Why can't you just see me as your sister instead of a suitor?" This line actually hits me pretty damn hard because I remember confiding in my step-mom about how it didn't seem like my mom actually saw me as a person. Instead, she saw me as someone that she could manipulate, a trophy that she could keep close to her as if to say: "Hey, Gerry's dad, I won. Gerry is on my side."



I wonder if the hot chocolate part goes on for a bit too long. It does get pretty tedious to read, but I'm not sure that I want to cut it or shorten it. I think that the bit where Sugar sings a Captain Beefheart song is one of my favourite parts of the story, and if this were adapted to a movie, or a cartoon series, or theater production, or a porn parody, I would be willing to fight to get them to include that bit. It's not just a reference to something I like, it's a moment that defines who Sugar is as a character. She sees the most unpleasant creatures in the world, like Squidward, and she is able to find a reason to genuinely love them. I never really thought too much about why I enjoy Captain Beefheart songs, but I do think that hearing him sing 'eeeeeeeelleeeeccccctrrrriiiiiiicccciiiiitttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyy' from such a rough voice is far more fun than hearing a golden-voiced singer sing something like 'You got that yummy yummy'.



I remember that bit with Sugar and her mother. I remember not actually wanting to put myself into whatever mindset Sugar's mother had because it made me feel very uncomfortable. So, what I ended up doing was going onto DynastyScans and searching for a comic featuring an older woman seducing her daughter so that I could take dialogue from it and incorporate it into the story so that I wouldn't have to come up with my own dialogue. I don't think that I found any comics that fit what I was looking for. Like, I wanted a sweet mother trying to seduce her young daughter by saying: "Oh, I love you dear, this is my way of expressing my love," but what I got was: "I'm going to shove this inside of you, and there isn't anything you can do about it," then at the end, the mother would apologize, and the daughter would forgive her. That actually felt far more disturbing than what I ended up writing for this story. What I think that I ended up doing was finding an old Pokemon hentai comic where a Pikachu confesses her love/lust for her sister, a Pichu, and then they have sex but at the end it's revealed to be just a dream. The dialogue in that story fit what I wanted for the story.
"Don't worry baby girl. I won't leave you. I'm going to stay with you all night long." - I think that this line might have been paraphrased from the comic I read on DynastyScans.



I'm going to differentiate the two bits in Sugar's chapter by making the text that takes place in the correct chronological order (I don't know if I'm phrasing that correctly) 'blue', and the text that explains what happens further in the timeline 'red'. So, essentially, if you were reading the story linearly, you would read the blue text at that time, then read the red text later. Fans of The Witcher seem to like that kind of thing, so maybe my theoretical fans would enjoy it as well as long as I make it clear with the text colors that this is what is going on. In the third draft, I might change that and just post the red text somewhere else. I guess it's beneficial to me either way because the red text would make it easier to tell at a glance what text takes place at what time.



I think that one of my favourite bits in the story is when Oryps goes to the city in the clouds where the griffins live. Being around the griffins seems to bring out the worst parts of Oryps, while being around dragons seems to bring out the best in Saturn, which is an interesting dynamic. Oryps ends up turning Saturn into a satisfied married griffin who is open and honest with Echo, her eventual lover, in a healthy relationship (well, healthy compared to every other character relationship). Saturn ends up turning Oryps into an unwilling drug dealer, and in his first visit to the palace he ends up seriously injuring one of her servants. I like how he points out that the griffins wear gold armor, which is a stupid idea because gold is one of the worst metals to make armor out of. This endears him to Saturn, who is aware of this fact, but she offers the explanation of: "It's just meant to look nice, the griffins don't actually need good armor. Plus, we've got so much gold up here and we needed to do something with it," which ends up leading to the very morbid explanation for what happened to the humans. Saturn killed them, and everything that they escaped from Earth with was seized by the griffins and used to build their cities.



Yeah, I'm going to just copy-paste the second half of the 'A Girl And Her Puppy' chapter later in the story. Novu gets introduced without a proper description, and that would suck if that was his introduction.



'A Girl And Her Puppy' is chapter 9. I think that I was stoned in the picture I posted, I felt stoned and I think that my pupils were dilated and I don't think that anyone noticed. I was originally going to type "A Girl And Her Puppy is chapter 9, you idiot'. I imagine that I will look at these notes that I'm taking and cringe. They're made to give me notes on changes I want to make, but also to get a real insight into my mindset which will help this story going forward. I really hope that I'm not putting all this work in for nothing. Like, it would legitimately do something bad to my mind if it just ended up like everything else I've created, ignored, mocked, or liked for only a small amount of time by a small amount of people, yet always denied a larger audience. I actually feel a bit resentful towards Olan Rogers for a very petty reason. I showed him the song I wrote for the GaryCato pairing 'Sickly Sweet Fantasy' and he seemed to completely ignore my comment while responding to most others. It legit kinda made me upset, but I still really love Final Space, and Olan does seem like a cool guy, so he probably didn't ignore me out of malice, but he still ignored me during a time when having yet another artistic work I've created being ignored felt like having a dagger shoved inside of me. Of course, that was better than when one of the people working on She-Ra actually insulted one of my songs (a remix of my song 'Save The World') then got it taken down. Like, why? Was it because I was a guy, and the show isn't for guys so she wanted to push a guy out of the fanbase, to discourage the guy from contributing to the fandom, or was there some other reason? That might have played a factor in me being resentful of season four, but I still think that the main factor is that I just stopped enjoying it. Season three felt like the show had peaked, season four felt like the quality of it was going down, and I ended up not watching season five because I didn't think that I would enjoy it.



I think that I wrote Oryps as a character who is gay yet has had sex with two female characters, because of a comment I saw on a Youtube video. This guy said something homophobic, I responded to him, and he said the stupidest thing I ever read anyone say. "This is how society works. I have no problem with people being gay, as long as they don't ever mention it, or have pride parades. As long as I don't see them ever mention being gay, or writing a story about a gay character that they can relate to, or selling their gay sex stuff in their gay stores I'm totally fine with them being gay. This is how society works, if someone likes something that I don't like, or does something I don't like, then that's fine. But I don't ever want to see that and I don't think that anyone else should either," the guy was half-right. I don't think that gay people should loudly proclaim that they love anal sex, there are some things that you need to leave in the bedroom. That's actually why I have an issue with gay characters in kids cartoons. If it was just two guys dating or kissing, like in Gravity Falls, it wouldn't be a big deal. The problem is that, well, there's a reason why kids shows don't feature sex scenes, it would be creepy (at best) if they did because of the target audience. Similarly (lord, this is gonna sound so bad when I read it later, I just know it) I don't think it's alright to market a cartoon for kids where pretty much every character is gay. The kids might be going through the beginning of puberty, or they might not be going through puberty at all and be confused at things like guys enjoying wearing frilly dresses, girls kissing each other after going through a redemption arc (seriously, I wonder if this might be teaching girls that they could be forgiven for literally anything if they kiss a girl). I know that seeing porn when I looked for pictures of cartoon characters gave me weird thoughts about sexuality, so, seeing that stuff in official media might have a greater effect. My original point though, is that Oryps having sex with girls despite being gay was sort of my: "Oh yeah, random Youtube guy. What do you think of this character? Isn't this what you wanted!" Who knows? Maybe Oryps will be known as the gay character homophobic guys can point to and say: "But, i can't be homophobic! I fucking love Oryps!"



I think that my dreams of this story being a massive success read by millions of people is like the equivalent of someone placing a carrot in front of their heads that they might never reach in order to motivate them to exercise. Yes, a part of me is fully aware that this story probably won't be successful, and a part of me wants to believe that it will be. The problem is that both sides are constantly arguing, which makes it difficult to motivate myself to edit this story. I do try to push myself, and sometimes I get a full chapter done in a night, but other times I just don't see the point in editing a story purely for my benefit. In my mind, it's done, the story is over, and editing it for the benefit of an imagined audience is pointless, if that makes sense. That's why I told my sister and my friend, Reethu, about it. They're my real audience, the ones actually waiting to read it (maybe), so they're my motivation. That said, if it did become successful, I'd love it if one of the Youtubers I follow (Ya Boi Zack) would make a spin-off comic about it. I'd really like to see an 8-page comic being made about something like Oryps defending Sheepfucka from the dragons who want to kill him, or Echo going insane after Saturn's death, or Artemis Phobos becoming Sir Phobos in order to survive, or Australia's escape from Funeralopolis. It occurs to me as I'm writing this that, although many of the female characters in this story are portrayed as being very strong (Telia, Saturn, Aishiteru, Australia, Than, Xnoy, Zbis), they mostly have fewer 'cool' moments than the male characters. Unconscious bias, maybe? I don't know, maybe the problem is that I want to have strong female characters in the story because I like those characters, but with the exception of a character like Telia, once they're in the story they don't do much because I haven't put too much thought into them aside from: "They're very strong female characters," maybe that's the same problem that the Star Wars movies had with Rey.



I'm going to combine the second half of Sugar's chapter with the second half of Australia's chapter so that the story flows better. It's a shame that I'm editing this before my step-mom visits my apartment and the George Floyd riots are happening. My mind is a mess, and smoking weed to forget this stressful stuff just makes me forget to edit the story. I'll probably make that chapter 'chapter 12'.



I just realized that I edited Australia's chapter without giving Oryps his accent. I'm just glad that Ekips and Oryps are the only characters I had to do such a drastic accent change to. Although, I did make Sheepfucka's accent a bit inconsistent during my first draft.



Part of the reason why I gave Oryps his accent was so that he could repeatedly say 'Ass', but the other part is to show the dilution of the accent through the generations. Asthma has two extra 's', Oryps has one, Thorn and Than both have none. The idea was to show how, yes, I might be Irish, because my dad was Irish and so was my grandpa. But, my grandpa was the mostly Irish one, my dad was a little Irish, and at this point I might as well not be Irish. I don't know how to phrase this right now, I'm pretty stoned.



Schizophrenia has been on my mind lately, mainly because I keep seeing videos specifically about people with schizophrenia being recommended to me. I think that there is already something wrong with my brain, and I have considered the possibility that I might have schizophrenia of some kind. People with schizophrenia apparently don't know that they have schizophrenia, they don't know that something is wrong with them. So, is it possible that I have schizophrenia and don't know it? I don't think so. I think that my problem is that most people are born as, well, people. They know the necessary emotions they should feel at specific times, and they understand normal people because they're normal people. I'm not normal, I'm autistic, so I had to learn from other people what 'normal' is and how to be normal. The problem is that so many people I was raised by weren't normal, and growing up in what will be remembered as being a particularly strange time in the history of the internet didn't help.



Something that disturbs me is that it seems inevitable that some day in the future, maybe in a few decades, maybe a few centuries, but some day, pedophilia will be normalized. It seems like both sides of the radical political spectrum, be it the far-left or the far-right, seem to both want to legalize child molestation. It seems to me that as more of their extreme beliefs become more common, and more things become normalized in society, we'll eventually reach the point where, just like in DragynPawne, pedophilia is normalized to the point where Oryps could be raped as a child and that is perfectly fine, yet someone like Sheepfucka is allowed to be killed for being different.



I just had a serious flashback. LaSalle College is a fucking joke, I shouldn't have PTSD after attending a fucking school. But, yeah, the day that I left I remember that the person in charge of housing who failed me, who mostly ignored my emails asking for help, she was smiling and laughing with the roommates who had made my life hell. They were all smiling and laughing while the guy whose life they had assisted in ruining was in the goddamn room. So many people just smiled and laughed as they ruined my life, as though they believed that I was too dumb to realize their abuse, or they rationalized it somehow so that they could cope with the knowledge of what they had done. I think that I play dumb as a coping mechanism, no one is mean to me when I play dumb. The person in charge of housing was actually going to leave me alone, to do something more important than help me move what little things I had left to storage. But, when she left the room, the laughing stopped, she stopped smiling, she saw how hurt I was and I think that she realized for what might have been the first time how serious my situation was, and how badly she and the school she worked for had failed me. She helped me move my things, and I'm so grateful for that, but I still have PTSD because of her, and I don't think that I can forgive her completely for the smiles and laughs directed at me during one of the worst days of my life.



Today as I was editing my story, my step-mom who had been staying with me, woke up to use the bathroom. She saw me editing the story and she smiled as though she was proud of me. Maybe, that's all that I needed, to know that this story isn't a joke to her, it's something special because I worked on it. It's special because, no matter how it turns out, good or bad, I spent a long time working on it. I spent hours editing it during the night, and it has value because of that time I spent on it. No one has ever made me feel that way about a project I've worked on, and she did it with just a smile.



The darkest moment in the story, to me, is when Priapism thinks that the night wind is actually Vein's spirit. I can't remember if I said this in the story, but Vein doesn't have a real spirit, she has an artificial spirit. As a result, Vein is the only character who doesn't go anywhere when she dies. When she's gone, she's gone, there is no afterlife for her.



I think that the reason I used molestation and rape so often in this story is because it was on my mind a lot while writing it. I was suffering from pretty severe nightmares relating to my own rape when I was a kid. I hope that I portrayed rape in a way that's respectful of the seriousness of the subject matter. I wanted to emphasize how it affects the victims rather than the act itself. The unicorn Sir Phobos raped committed suicide, Oryps suffers every day because of his trauma from his rape, Sugar is dealing with the complicated emotions she feels about her sexual abuse, and Australia seems fine with being raped, which I think is because at the time of writing her origin story I was watching some British shows. For some reason, there's a trope in British shows where rape is considered to be, well, not-a-big-deal. It's very weird, like seriously, Alan Moore's comics often feature shockingly casual rape scenes and routinely use rape as a plot device even though it seems very out-ot-place in the story. A British show I watched, that I forget the name of, also features a character being raped, then they later joke about it and are friends afterward. That just isn't okay, but at the time I wasn't in my right mind and I thought: "Maybe I'll just have one character who is totally fine with being raped," that just seems kind of sick to me now.



I think that the moment I went crazy was when I was in LaSalle College and I realized that it had a bad reputation in the industry. This meant that, in a very competitive field, I was going to leave the school thousands of dollars in debt with a big mark on my resume that said: "Don't hire this guy," so it didn't matter what I learned at the school. The moment where I regained a bit of sanity and 'woke up' was when I saw my mom choke her boyfriend. I eventually realized that I needed to stay away from her when I realized that she would choke me as well if she got angry. It bothers me that my sister chose to let the woman who chokes her boyfriend, and choked her when she was a child, be with her son.
 

Arielus

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2019
Messages
21
Points
53
Lot to unpack her and I can tell your mind went a bit out there and has multiple trains of thought running here
Not a bad thing since I do the same
The story I haven't read since I'm far to busy to read much right now since I'm building a house and moving out at the same time sounds interesting not bad in any way honestly
A lot of the concepts in it are interesting along with the way your using them and I kinda want to read it now but it's 1 am and I'm about to barf from headache pills reacting badly
The rape gay and other topics make me kinda curious on how they were implemented especially with this post but it seems to me you would need to clean it up a bit before I would really be able to follow what was written so far
You described a lot of aspects of your story in this that seem easy to miss from what you have told me of your story
Maybe if you write the story and then do a mind of authors note where you go through the chapter and describe your thoughts and what each scene is made of and is trying to convey because to me your story is trying to explain a large amount of things through subcontex that most of which is in your head and not in the story
I wouldn't mind reading a chapter being confused but interested and them being told about what it all means and it all clicking in one big puzzle that would be put together after reading ypthe end notes
Another thing is you should fully write what each chapter means and the things it's trying to convey and then write the chapter so you have a easier time keeping the train of thought on its tracks
 

CupcakeNinja

Pervert Supreme
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
3,066
Points
183
I feel as though this site as a whole is, at its best, detrimental to my already fragile mental health for reasons that I've mentioned before. Lack of empathy, and the arrogance that comes with being a writer, are a start. I find it disheartening when I see someone who knows they're arguing with a mentally ill person using that illness against them to win a petty argument. I find it disheartening that when people see someone struggling, in a video like this (
) their response is to mock them.

However, I stupidly thought that maybe by participating more in the site, I could somehow find myself enjoying it. What I found, instead, is an undercurrent of racism, and sexism within this site that makes me genuinely uncomfortable. If you guys are happy here, that's fine, I get it, but I'm not, and while initially I thought that the fault was with me, the mentally ill man who was probably taking things far too seriously (not that this isn't entirely true), more and more I'm realizing that maybe the real fault is that I just don't fit in here, and I never will. Heck, I'll probably never fit in anywhere, but I'll keep searching for that mythical place because the alternative is suicide, or isolation.

I want to make this last post special, so, I'll leave the notes that I wrote while editing my story. Maybe you might find them interesting, but probably not.


Editing notes:

Make Sir Phobos more consistent: Part of what I like about Sir Phobos is that he represents a conflicted character. When he cared about the well-being of all creatures and tried to do the morally right thing, he couldn't thrive in his society. When he became a crazed killer he was able to become the most powerful and successful unicorn in London. In the first draft, I mainly focused on his dark side, while in the second I'm adding some new sections, and re-writing old ones, to make him seem a bit more sympathetic. I don't know if this is the right decision.



I really hate the first two chapters. Part of the reason why I start out with a warning, a short poorly-drawn comic, and a 'chapter 0' is that I didn't like that chapter 1 was what I wrote as a first impression. On a conceptual level, it works. I've always believed that the trend of making things appeal to every age-group is a bad idea because you can't make a show for children as light-hearted or fun as it could be if you're shoe-horning in death, addiction, and mental illness. You also can't make a show for adults as compelling as it could be if you have to neuter it so that it's appropriate for kids to watch. Like, imagine how much better Steven Universe could have been if it had an Adults-only rating and could go so much further with its themes? I hate that the advice I got most frequently as a writer, specifically in regards to this story is: "Don't start it off with two male dragons having sex, not everyone likes that," because, well, fuck those people, this story isn't for them, it's for people who would make an attempt to read a story like that because it sounds interesting or appeals to their specific tastes. Not everything has to be made to appeal to everyone, and having that attitude, as well as encouraging others to have it as well, is legitimately damaging to creative works. As a statement of intent, the first chapter works, but it's also excruciating to get through and even people who are into that kind of thing will struggle with it. I need to make it more interesting somehow, or just cut a bunch of stuff out to make it shorter.



I want to add one more scene with Uchinos because I forgot about how awesome he was, and it was a shame that he basically just introduced himself, then he had a weird fetishized death scene which I thought was hilarious as well as kind of cute. When he's introduced, he has all of these defenses up and he continually insults Oryps. As Oryps helps him commit suicide, those walls break down and eventually he asks Oryps to call him 'Precious' as he dies. It's kind of sweet, kind of depressing, and because Uchinos is a comic relief character it's also quite funny. Oryps does go to the afterlife a few times in the story, so maybe he could meet him there.



I need to add more descriptions of the actions in the story. I've always been more comfortable writing dialogue than action scenes, that's why for a while I exclusively worked on writing screenplays. I'm noticing that a number of sections are difficult to read because of how dialogue-focused I am as a writer, and I really worked to improve that as I wrote the story. Later chapters featuring more violent characters like Australia, Sir Phobos, and Sheepfucka are less focused on dialogue, but the early chapters filled with exposition dumps are pretty difficult to get through. Maybe it's just difficult for me because I already know all of that stuff because I wrote it, someone reading it for the first time might be enthralled by all of it, or they might simply giggle because the main antagonist is named Priapism.



Most chapters, particularly the later ones, have different character viewpoints or whatever you call them, but not every switch has a clear written indicator that the switch has happened. I'm going to differentiate them by making the font colors different from around chapter 5(6?) onward, and I'll consider going back to previous chapters and giving them the same treatment.



Re-reading certain chapters that I've already edited, I'm seeing a few mistakes, like getting the tense wrong. When I work on the third draft I will need to pay careful attention to that stuff. On the fourth draft, I want to focus mainly on how the story 'flows'. I'm already getting so sick of reading this story, and I suspect that I will hate it when I'm done. I already hate parts of it.



I wonder if people will understand that most of this story is meant to be taken as a joke. It's meant to be what Star Trek was meant to be, an inherently goofy world filled with characters who look goofy and have goofy names, where all of the characters take everything very seriously. Like, the events in this story are serious for the characters, but it's supposed to be funny to the people reading it. So, say, when Sheepfucka has something horrible happen to him, it's supposed to be tragic, but you're also supposed to laugh a little bit because his name is Sheepfucka, and he talks funny. I always find it weird when people reboot Star Trek and try to take that element out of it. This is why Star Trek: Beyond is my favorite of the trilogy, because it had cool motorcycle stunts and ended with Kirk defeating the bad guys with Beastie Boys music. That's just fun, just like the original Star Trek was fun because it had things like Tribbles, and dancing, as well as Shatner's hilarious overacting. Yes, a character dies in pretty much every episode (much like this story), but it's still very light-hearted.



I'm nervous about showing this story to friends and family because things can get weird if you do that. Like, if you watch Daniel Day Lewis murder someone in a film, you wouldn't think: "Wow, I guess Daniel Day Lewis might want to murder people in real life. Maybe he's already killed people," you would think: "Wow, he's an actor playing a role very convincingly," because there's an element of detachment from the average person and Daniel Day Lewis. When I show things like this to friends and family, they don't have that detachment. So, when they read things like the cannibalism stuff later, or the gay dragons in the first chapter having sex, they're inevitably going to ask me questions about that stuff. But, more importantly, they won't see it as "A story," they'll see it as "A story written by Gerry Weir," and that perspective can completely change how they view it. I think that's partly why people started harshly judging books like Twilight and Ready Player One after the authors became famous. They couldn't read Twilight as: "That romance book about vampires," and instead read it as: "That incredibly popular vampire book written by Stephenie Meyer," or for some people: "That book written by Stephenie Meyer that is much more popular than any book I ever write will be," which makes them hate it.



I think that a number of creative decisions were made due to my frustration over the extremely likely possibility that no one, not even the people I send it to, will read the damn thing and all of my hard work will go to waste. I got to a point where I just went: "Fuck it, no one's gonna read this anyway, let's get weird with it."



I know that reading these notes will be difficult for me. Editing this story, especially with the type of edits I want to make, is very tedious. The tedium makes me frustrated, so I'll smoke weed to relax. I feel like this story has dominated my thoughts for so long, and when it's finished I won't have another creative project to occupy myself for a while. I feel like if I can't point my creative energy at a project, my mind goes to legitimately weird and dark places. I've got a good idea for another story called 'Rabbit Snare' that I want to work on after this story, and it bothers me that I can't work on it until this one is done.



I wonder if people will relate to Oryps in the way that I hope they will. This story is primarily about misfits, and a big part of what makes Oryps appealing to me is that him and Sheepfucka are misfits. Pretty much every member of their species is gay, yet Sheepfucka is a straight character who wants to have sex with females, and Oryps doesn't agree with their ideology or enjoy their company, so he chooses to ally himself with other creatures who he mostly agrees with and enjoys being around at the expense of having to deal with their homophobia and occasionally conflicting ideologies. His conflict with his father, his wife, and his friends sort of shows how much of an outcast he is despite the fact that he is mostly respected and adored by almost everyone he meets in the story. He wants to be good, to feel like he is doing the right thing, but everyone has their own idea of what the right thing is, so he has to almost constantly compromise in order to do the right thing. By the end, he has given up so much, he has lost so much, and he eventually dies in order to do the right thing, and his reward for all of that is eternal suffering while the world moves on without him and arguably becomes a worse place. This stands in contrast with a character like Sir Phobos who actively made the world a better place by being an asshole. It's basically the classic left-wing vs. right-wing dynamic. Sir Phobos was right for the wrong reasons, Oryps was wrong for the right reasons.



I guess that family was on my mind when I started writing this story, and it gets a bit ridiculous at times when by the end it's revealed that Oryps is related to most of the important characters, and Sir Phobos is related to most of the surviving characters. I think that the reason is that when I started writing the second chapter I had a severe nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized for a night partly due to my family. I was approaching the nervous breakdown due to my school being kind of shit and causing trouble in my life. The school was horribly mismanaged, and it caused me a lot of stress. What made things worse was that I was getting messages telling me that my aunt and uncle were abusive alcoholics, as well as a bunch of texts about family drama. I wasn't thinking straight, I made mistakes, and the constant messages about drama just pushed me towards a full nervous breakdown. I think that it was only when the messages stopped that I was able to recover, but the experience definitely influenced my story.



I wonder what people will think about Aishiteru. I don't consider her to be much of a character, she's mostly just in the story as a tool to add metaphors and stuff in the story. For instance, her mate, Ambrosia, never actually says her name until she is dead (I hope that I didn't slip up and make Ambrosia say her name until she dies). Aishiteru means (or so I think, I might be wrong) "I love you," which means that Ambrosia never actually told her mate that she loved her until she was gone. This is meant to be a bit of a commentary on, well, LGBT culture. Statistically, a fairly small percentage of people are actually homosexual, yet I seem to see a ton of lesbians online who all happen to be oversized and insecure. This makes me believe that maybe some of these people, like Amberlynn Reid, aren't actually lesbians. But, they pretend to be lesbians because the culture in the LGBT community (and the fetish/sexuality community in general) is that there are different types of beauty. A fat person is considered ugly in 'normal' society, but a fat lesbian is considered beautiful, and I think that's a big part of why so many people are attracted to being a lesbian even if they might not actually be attracted to women. That might also be why shows/comics featuring LGBT characters written by these women will usually have a plus-sized character (not necessarily fat, but noticeably more plump than other characters. Like Glimmer from She-Ra or Amethyst from Steven Universe). Essentially, Aishiteru is an exaggerated version of one of those 'fat' characters, and Ambrosia never really loved her, she's just with her because she is the queen of the colony. Aishiteru does love Ambrosia, but it isn't a romantic love, more like the love a mother feels for her daughter, but this is kind of where things get very muddy since incest isn't taboo in the colony, so to Aishiteru, a mother/daughter relationship being incestual isn't a bad thing, but for the readers of the story it's a terrible thing. The reason why I added Sugar later in the story was to essentially say: "Hey, incest is bad," because I didn't feel like I could say that in Ambrosia's chapters because she never interacted with anyone who would have any reason to tell her that it was bad. Yeah, I could imagine Aishiteru being extremely controversial, and a very polarizing character. I could imagine people just despising her and Ambrosia. If I'm being honest, I'm one of those people. I hate Ambrosia, but I feel as though the fact that I can hate her means that I should leave her in the story. I believe that the best stories offer you something to hate as well as something to love, that's why I believe that Half-Life is considered to be one of the games that everyone loves, because they can hate the Xen levels, and love most of the other parts of the game.



Dear lord, the self-deprecation in my story can get so obnoxious at times. I never realized how much I hate myself and the things that I create. Why do I have such a low opinion of myself? I don't want to think about that too much.



One of my friends told me not to include references because he claimed that: "If anybody is reading this in 20 years, they won't know what an Xbox is, or Spongebob," I heard the same criticisms about Duke Nukem Forever. I don't think that's a valid criticism anymore. Nothing is really ever allowed to completely die on the internet, especially very popular things. I know what a Sega Saturn is, despite never owning one, seeing one, or using one. I would imagine that if I included a Spongebob reference, or an Adventure Time reference, or a Lil Xan reference, the people reading this story 20 years from now would understand it. Or, if they didn't understand it, they probably have easy access to a search engine and the Internet, and they could look up the reference.



Some of my writing is inspired by what I'll call 'doujin-culture'. I don't know what doujinshi means, but I do like reading those comics with familiar characters doing cool things. It's like fanfiction, but better, and illustrated. I heard that in Japan, protecting IP isn't as big a deal as it is in places like Canada. So, essentially, you're allowed to make a character very similar to Mario called: "Maria," place her in a platforming game, and have her directly compete with the latest Mario platformer for sales without fear of going to court. I doubt that it is as simple as this, but it would explain why Hideo Kojima believed that it was perfectly fine to create a very similar character to Snake Pliskin, and name him 'Snake,' then make games with the character. Anyways, for many of the characters in this story, I used names of similar characters, just like Hideo Kojima did, and I either spelled them backwards, made minor changes to the name to differentiate them, or I just gave them a more fitting name later (Ambrosia was originally named Rare). The most blatant of these examples is Squidward, to the point where I plan to use the character as an argument against this story ever being sold for money if someone ever offers me a publishing deal. I feel as though I will get taken to court over Squidward, and that would really suck.



Maybe I should create a compilation of my favourite lines of dialogue in this story when I am finished. I know that there are some cheesy things that Vein says that I adore. I also like some of the things that Uchinos said, as well as some lines from Sir Phobos. Most of what Dolphina says is pretty good, I didn't really pad her out as much as other characters, so almost everything she says is either important to the plot and lore, or it's just kind of funny. I really think that her observations about Vein's breasts that she somehow had never noticed, has some of my best comedic writing. Some people say that I'm a better comedy writer than a romance writer, horror writer, or suspense writer. But, I don't enjoy writing comedy. I like writing romance stories with horror elements that end in tragedy.



I thought that I had written an entire scene where Sugar watched Hurricane Fluttershy with Squidward and Diamond. I don't know why I thought that.




"It feels like everyone in my life sees me as just a sex object, and I hate it. Sometimes, I hate mom and sometimes I hate you. Why can't you just see me as your sister instead of a suitor?" This line actually hits me pretty damn hard because I remember confiding in my step-mom about how it didn't seem like my mom actually saw me as a person. Instead, she saw me as someone that she could manipulate, a trophy that she could keep close to her as if to say: "Hey, Gerry's dad, I won. Gerry is on my side."



I wonder if the hot chocolate part goes on for a bit too long. It does get pretty tedious to read, but I'm not sure that I want to cut it or shorten it. I think that the bit where Sugar sings a Captain Beefheart song is one of my favourite parts of the story, and if this were adapted to a movie, or a cartoon series, or theater production, or a porn parody, I would be willing to fight to get them to include that bit. It's not just a reference to something I like, it's a moment that defines who Sugar is as a character. She sees the most unpleasant creatures in the world, like Squidward, and she is able to find a reason to genuinely love them. I never really thought too much about why I enjoy Captain Beefheart songs, but I do think that hearing him sing 'eeeeeeeelleeeeccccctrrrriiiiiiicccciiiiitttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyy' from such a rough voice is far more fun than hearing a golden-voiced singer sing something like 'You got that yummy yummy'.



I remember that bit with Sugar and her mother. I remember not actually wanting to put myself into whatever mindset Sugar's mother had because it made me feel very uncomfortable. So, what I ended up doing was going onto DynastyScans and searching for a comic featuring an older woman seducing her daughter so that I could take dialogue from it and incorporate it into the story so that I wouldn't have to come up with my own dialogue. I don't think that I found any comics that fit what I was looking for. Like, I wanted a sweet mother trying to seduce her young daughter by saying: "Oh, I love you dear, this is my way of expressing my love," but what I got was: "I'm going to shove this inside of you, and there isn't anything you can do about it," then at the end, the mother would apologize, and the daughter would forgive her. That actually felt far more disturbing than what I ended up writing for this story. What I think that I ended up doing was finding an old Pokemon hentai comic where a Pikachu confesses her love/lust for her sister, a Pichu, and then they have sex but at the end it's revealed to be just a dream. The dialogue in that story fit what I wanted for the story.
"Don't worry baby girl. I won't leave you. I'm going to stay with you all night long." - I think that this line might have been paraphrased from the comic I read on DynastyScans.



I'm going to differentiate the two bits in Sugar's chapter by making the text that takes place in the correct chronological order (I don't know if I'm phrasing that correctly) 'blue', and the text that explains what happens further in the timeline 'red'. So, essentially, if you were reading the story linearly, you would read the blue text at that time, then read the red text later. Fans of The Witcher seem to like that kind of thing, so maybe my theoretical fans would enjoy it as well as long as I make it clear with the text colors that this is what is going on. In the third draft, I might change that and just post the red text somewhere else. I guess it's beneficial to me either way because the red text would make it easier to tell at a glance what text takes place at what time.



I think that one of my favourite bits in the story is when Oryps goes to the city in the clouds where the griffins live. Being around the griffins seems to bring out the worst parts of Oryps, while being around dragons seems to bring out the best in Saturn, which is an interesting dynamic. Oryps ends up turning Saturn into a satisfied married griffin who is open and honest with Echo, her eventual lover, in a healthy relationship (well, healthy compared to every other character relationship). Saturn ends up turning Oryps into an unwilling drug dealer, and in his first visit to the palace he ends up seriously injuring one of her servants. I like how he points out that the griffins wear gold armor, which is a stupid idea because gold is one of the worst metals to make armor out of. This endears him to Saturn, who is aware of this fact, but she offers the explanation of: "It's just meant to look nice, the griffins don't actually need good armor. Plus, we've got so much gold up here and we needed to do something with it," which ends up leading to the very morbid explanation for what happened to the humans. Saturn killed them, and everything that they escaped from Earth with was seized by the griffins and used to build their cities.



Yeah, I'm going to just copy-paste the second half of the 'A Girl And Her Puppy' chapter later in the story. Novu gets introduced without a proper description, and that would suck if that was his introduction.



'A Girl And Her Puppy' is chapter 9. I think that I was stoned in the picture I posted, I felt stoned and I think that my pupils were dilated and I don't think that anyone noticed. I was originally going to type "A Girl And Her Puppy is chapter 9, you idiot'. I imagine that I will look at these notes that I'm taking and cringe. They're made to give me notes on changes I want to make, but also to get a real insight into my mindset which will help this story going forward. I really hope that I'm not putting all this work in for nothing. Like, it would legitimately do something bad to my mind if it just ended up like everything else I've created, ignored, mocked, or liked for only a small amount of time by a small amount of people, yet always denied a larger audience. I actually feel a bit resentful towards Olan Rogers for a very petty reason. I showed him the song I wrote for the GaryCato pairing 'Sickly Sweet Fantasy' and he seemed to completely ignore my comment while responding to most others. It legit kinda made me upset, but I still really love Final Space, and Olan does seem like a cool guy, so he probably didn't ignore me out of malice, but he still ignored me during a time when having yet another artistic work I've created being ignored felt like having a dagger shoved inside of me. Of course, that was better than when one of the people working on She-Ra actually insulted one of my songs (a remix of my song 'Save The World') then got it taken down. Like, why? Was it because I was a guy, and the show isn't for guys so she wanted to push a guy out of the fanbase, to discourage the guy from contributing to the fandom, or was there some other reason? That might have played a factor in me being resentful of season four, but I still think that the main factor is that I just stopped enjoying it. Season three felt like the show had peaked, season four felt like the quality of it was going down, and I ended up not watching season five because I didn't think that I would enjoy it.



I think that I wrote Oryps as a character who is gay yet has had sex with two female characters, because of a comment I saw on a Youtube video. This guy said something homophobic, I responded to him, and he said the stupidest thing I ever read anyone say. "This is how society works. I have no problem with people being gay, as long as they don't ever mention it, or have pride parades. As long as I don't see them ever mention being gay, or writing a story about a gay character that they can relate to, or selling their gay sex stuff in their gay stores I'm totally fine with them being gay. This is how society works, if someone likes something that I don't like, or does something I don't like, then that's fine. But I don't ever want to see that and I don't think that anyone else should either," the guy was half-right. I don't think that gay people should loudly proclaim that they love anal sex, there are some things that you need to leave in the bedroom. That's actually why I have an issue with gay characters in kids cartoons. If it was just two guys dating or kissing, like in Gravity Falls, it wouldn't be a big deal. The problem is that, well, there's a reason why kids shows don't feature sex scenes, it would be creepy (at best) if they did because of the target audience. Similarly (lord, this is gonna sound so bad when I read it later, I just know it) I don't think it's alright to market a cartoon for kids where pretty much every character is gay. The kids might be going through the beginning of puberty, or they might not be going through puberty at all and be confused at things like guys enjoying wearing frilly dresses, girls kissing each other after going through a redemption arc (seriously, I wonder if this might be teaching girls that they could be forgiven for literally anything if they kiss a girl). I know that seeing porn when I looked for pictures of cartoon characters gave me weird thoughts about sexuality, so, seeing that stuff in official media might have a greater effect. My original point though, is that Oryps having sex with girls despite being gay was sort of my: "Oh yeah, random Youtube guy. What do you think of this character? Isn't this what you wanted!" Who knows? Maybe Oryps will be known as the gay character homophobic guys can point to and say: "But, i can't be homophobic! I fucking love Oryps!"



I think that my dreams of this story being a massive success read by millions of people is like the equivalent of someone placing a carrot in front of their heads that they might never reach in order to motivate them to exercise. Yes, a part of me is fully aware that this story probably won't be successful, and a part of me wants to believe that it will be. The problem is that both sides are constantly arguing, which makes it difficult to motivate myself to edit this story. I do try to push myself, and sometimes I get a full chapter done in a night, but other times I just don't see the point in editing a story purely for my benefit. In my mind, it's done, the story is over, and editing it for the benefit of an imagined audience is pointless, if that makes sense. That's why I told my sister and my friend, Reethu, about it. They're my real audience, the ones actually waiting to read it (maybe), so they're my motivation. That said, if it did become successful, I'd love it if one of the Youtubers I follow (Ya Boi Zack) would make a spin-off comic about it. I'd really like to see an 8-page comic being made about something like Oryps defending Sheepfucka from the dragons who want to kill him, or Echo going insane after Saturn's death, or Artemis Phobos becoming Sir Phobos in order to survive, or Australia's escape from Funeralopolis. It occurs to me as I'm writing this that, although many of the female characters in this story are portrayed as being very strong (Telia, Saturn, Aishiteru, Australia, Than, Xnoy, Zbis), they mostly have fewer 'cool' moments than the male characters. Unconscious bias, maybe? I don't know, maybe the problem is that I want to have strong female characters in the story because I like those characters, but with the exception of a character like Telia, once they're in the story they don't do much because I haven't put too much thought into them aside from: "They're very strong female characters," maybe that's the same problem that the Star Wars movies had with Rey.



I'm going to combine the second half of Sugar's chapter with the second half of Australia's chapter so that the story flows better. It's a shame that I'm editing this before my step-mom visits my apartment and the George Floyd riots are happening. My mind is a mess, and smoking weed to forget this stressful stuff just makes me forget to edit the story. I'll probably make that chapter 'chapter 12'.



I just realized that I edited Australia's chapter without giving Oryps his accent. I'm just glad that Ekips and Oryps are the only characters I had to do such a drastic accent change to. Although, I did make Sheepfucka's accent a bit inconsistent during my first draft.



Part of the reason why I gave Oryps his accent was so that he could repeatedly say 'Ass', but the other part is to show the dilution of the accent through the generations. Asthma has two extra 's', Oryps has one, Thorn and Than both have none. The idea was to show how, yes, I might be Irish, because my dad was Irish and so was my grandpa. But, my grandpa was the mostly Irish one, my dad was a little Irish, and at this point I might as well not be Irish. I don't know how to phrase this right now, I'm pretty stoned.



Schizophrenia has been on my mind lately, mainly because I keep seeing videos specifically about people with schizophrenia being recommended to me. I think that there is already something wrong with my brain, and I have considered the possibility that I might have schizophrenia of some kind. People with schizophrenia apparently don't know that they have schizophrenia, they don't know that something is wrong with them. So, is it possible that I have schizophrenia and don't know it? I don't think so. I think that my problem is that most people are born as, well, people. They know the necessary emotions they should feel at specific times, and they understand normal people because they're normal people. I'm not normal, I'm autistic, so I had to learn from other people what 'normal' is and how to be normal. The problem is that so many people I was raised by weren't normal, and growing up in what will be remembered as being a particularly strange time in the history of the internet didn't help.



Something that disturbs me is that it seems inevitable that some day in the future, maybe in a few decades, maybe a few centuries, but some day, pedophilia will be normalized. It seems like both sides of the radical political spectrum, be it the far-left or the far-right, seem to both want to legalize child molestation. It seems to me that as more of their extreme beliefs become more common, and more things become normalized in society, we'll eventually reach the point where, just like in DragynPawne, pedophilia is normalized to the point where Oryps could be raped as a child and that is perfectly fine, yet someone like Sheepfucka is allowed to be killed for being different.



I just had a serious flashback. LaSalle College is a fucking joke, I shouldn't have PTSD after attending a fucking school. But, yeah, the day that I left I remember that the person in charge of housing who failed me, who mostly ignored my emails asking for help, she was smiling and laughing with the roommates who had made my life hell. They were all smiling and laughing while the guy whose life they had assisted in ruining was in the goddamn room. So many people just smiled and laughed as they ruined my life, as though they believed that I was too dumb to realize their abuse, or they rationalized it somehow so that they could cope with the knowledge of what they had done. I think that I play dumb as a coping mechanism, no one is mean to me when I play dumb. The person in charge of housing was actually going to leave me alone, to do something more important than help me move what little things I had left to storage. But, when she left the room, the laughing stopped, she stopped smiling, she saw how hurt I was and I think that she realized for what might have been the first time how serious my situation was, and how badly she and the school she worked for had failed me. She helped me move my things, and I'm so grateful for that, but I still have PTSD because of her, and I don't think that I can forgive her completely for the smiles and laughs directed at me during one of the worst days of my life.



Today as I was editing my story, my step-mom who had been staying with me, woke up to use the bathroom. She saw me editing the story and she smiled as though she was proud of me. Maybe, that's all that I needed, to know that this story isn't a joke to her, it's something special because I worked on it. It's special because, no matter how it turns out, good or bad, I spent a long time working on it. I spent hours editing it during the night, and it has value because of that time I spent on it. No one has ever made me feel that way about a project I've worked on, and she did it with just a smile.



The darkest moment in the story, to me, is when Priapism thinks that the night wind is actually Vein's spirit. I can't remember if I said this in the story, but Vein doesn't have a real spirit, she has an artificial spirit. As a result, Vein is the only character who doesn't go anywhere when she dies. When she's gone, she's gone, there is no afterlife for her.



I think that the reason I used molestation and rape so often in this story is because it was on my mind a lot while writing it. I was suffering from pretty severe nightmares relating to my own rape when I was a kid. I hope that I portrayed rape in a way that's respectful of the seriousness of the subject matter. I wanted to emphasize how it affects the victims rather than the act itself. The unicorn Sir Phobos raped committed suicide, Oryps suffers every day because of his trauma from his rape, Sugar is dealing with the complicated emotions she feels about her sexual abuse, and Australia seems fine with being raped, which I think is because at the time of writing her origin story I was watching some British shows. For some reason, there's a trope in British shows where rape is considered to be, well, not-a-big-deal. It's very weird, like seriously, Alan Moore's comics often feature shockingly casual rape scenes and routinely use rape as a plot device even though it seems very out-ot-place in the story. A British show I watched, that I forget the name of, also features a character being raped, then they later joke about it and are friends afterward. That just isn't okay, but at the time I wasn't in my right mind and I thought: "Maybe I'll just have one character who is totally fine with being raped," that just seems kind of sick to me now.



I think that the moment I went crazy was when I was in LaSalle College and I realized that it had a bad reputation in the industry. This meant that, in a very competitive field, I was going to leave the school thousands of dollars in debt with a big mark on my resume that said: "Don't hire this guy," so it didn't matter what I learned at the school. The moment where I regained a bit of sanity and 'woke up' was when I saw my mom choke her boyfriend. I eventually realized that I needed to stay away from her when I realized that she would choke me as well if she got angry. It bothers me that my sister chose to let the woman who chokes her boyfriend, and choked her when she was a child, be with her son.
jesus fucking christ bro. I read that wall of cursed text. So im just gonna ask. Is you okay?
 

TheGuyThatEveryoneHates

Active member
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Messages
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jesus fucking christ bro. I read that wall of cursed text. So im just gonna ask. Is you okay?

I'm logging out for the last time and I won't be logging back on again. I've come to detest this site so much. You've become kind of a bright spot, but you've been kind of the only bright spot for me. I hate that, I really do, because I see something special in this site, and I think that I could have been happy here. It's about the only place I can post my story where it would actually get views, but with those views comes ego, and I think that's the root of my issue with the site. If you just want views and empty generic comments on your work with the expectation of getting those same comments in return, this site is good, but I want something more than that. I don't exactly know what, though.

So, yeah, if you make another comment on my story, I'll probably read it, but I won't respond, and I'm definitely not posting another story here, or maybe anywhere, at least for a while. I guess my experience here has soured me on posting here anymore, and my experience being ignored on Wattpad soured me on posting anything there either, so what's left? Fanfiction sites I guess. I'm almost finished the first draft of my screenplay, and I was going to post that here, but I'm not doing that anymore.

So, yeah, thanks for your comments on my story, I appreciate them more than I think you'll ever know.
 

CupcakeNinja

Pervert Supreme
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
3,066
Points
183
I'm logging out for the last time and I won't be logging back on again. I've come to detest this site so much. You've become kind of a bright spot, but you've been kind of the only bright spot for me. I hate that, I really do, because I see something special in this site, and I think that I could have been happy here. It's about the only place I can post my story where it would actually get views, but with those views comes ego, and I think that's the root of my issue with the site. If you just want views and empty generic comments on your work with the expectation of getting those same comments in return, this site is good, but I want something more than that. I don't exactly know what, though.

So, yeah, if you make another comment on my story, I'll probably read it, but I won't respond, and I'm definitely not posting another story here, or maybe anywhere, at least for a while. I guess my experience here has soured me on posting here anymore, and my experience being ignored on Wattpad soured me on posting anything there either, so what's left? Fanfiction sites I guess. I'm almost finished the first draft of my screenplay, and I was going to post that here, but I'm not doing that anymore.

So, yeah, thanks for your comments on my story, I appreciate them more than I think you'll ever know.
well fuck im sorry to here that man. i mean i get that you want more than things like "thx for the chapter " tho. Its annoying. I dont know what other problems you have had with this site though, exactly, but im sure you have your reasons.

Normally i'd say, "well bud the internet aint for the weak hearted. People are assholes, just gotta deal with it." But i take it on a case by case basis. Having read that post of yours here, i understand you're just so tire of people's shit. Thats understandable. I know you'd probably find more people you'd like and have fun talking to here if you looked more, but hell it shouldn't be your job to find decent people. Its unreasonable to ask you to do that.

Thats why imma suggest a place myself! Here man, join my discord:

its for my novel, but you dont gotta bother with that. Just join and partake in some friendly conversation about any topic you want. I think they'd enjoy your story, too. Imma send a link to it regardless of whether you join or not for that very reason.

Anyway, I like that cut of your chin, my dude. You seem like good people, and i wanna be your friend. So you dont like this site? Fuck it bro. Come hither. Just follow Papa Cup. We'll talk about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Maybe porn too, i dunno. Lol. But yea. Jokes aside, i hope to see you there.

Maybe you'll end up not liking that place either. But still. Doesn't hurt to try, eh? Thats what life is all about, my man.
 
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