My new and improved first chapter, need feedback though.

MadmanRB

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I want to get feedback for my revised first chapter, as I want to see where I need to improve and if it's engaging enough to justify writing a chapter 2.
So first brief story synopsis and concept without plot spoilers:
This is an action/science fiction story with superhero elements, it is set on an alien world inhabited by a race of humanoid rabbits.
It's targeted at ages 7+

This is a complete overhaul of what I have on scribblehub so far, it's a new direction I am taking this, as the old draft is more like a screenplay and this more like a traditional novel.
Keep in mind in this chapter I had to set up my universe and its main characters and is by far the longest chapter of this story as it needs to do so much.

It's 4414 words and is 8 pages long in libreoffice but understandable for what it needs to do.
I am uploading it at this state as I do want feedback, it's unlikely to be my final draft but in any case your feedback will help steer the course for what comes next.
For now, it's on my Google Drive as opposed to scribblehub, if successful I will load it proper once I write more chapters.
 
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strayCat0

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I don't think 7 yo kids like to read some story in an almost Nazi-fied planet. The furry somehow reminds me of Sonic world, don't know why. I would like to say you've got too few narration lines. But I think it's just your writing style isn't? I'm never good with that, like korean webnovels writing style or something, where dialogues take up 80% of a chapter. Seems solid tho
 

MadmanRB

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Dude is this some furry stuff? 💀
The term "furry" is a rather broad and vague.
For some, a furry is a person who dresses in a fursuit.
For others, it's just another form of bestiality (it's not, btw)
And yes, animated cartoon animals like Bugs Bunny are called "furries" by some folk.

As a person who has had some interaction with the furry community at times due to my own love for franchises like Sonic the Hedgehog and Loony Tunes, I can say most conceptions about the community are false.
Sure, you got folks with odd kinks, but that comes with any community.
It's the internet, it's a crazy place.

I myself am not a "furry", I just have an affinity for cartoon rabbits like Bugs Bunny, sure yes I am a 40-year-old man, but that doesn't mean I can't have fun now and then.
I'm an animation buff, and became a writer because I cannot draw for beans.

Now I will not deny the "furry" community doesn't have its fair share of perverts fetishists and worse.
But again that comes with any community, those people are the exception, not the norm.
Most in the community are fully functional human beings with normal lives.
Thing is, this isn't a new thing either, the human race has always had a fascination with the animal kingdom in some form or fashion.
The Egyptians, the Mayans, a lot of Native American cultures all had an interesting relationship with animals.
There was also a lot of animal worship in Pagan religions, even Christianity has taken part of, like the Easter Bunny being an icon for fertility.
It's there in Hinduism too, Judaism and Islam also has elements of this too as well as Shinto.
Even when the animals themselves are not worshiped, we still use terms like "flock" when concerning religion sometimes.
We as humans have this thing about our superiority over the Earth, yet we still have our ties to the animal kingdom, rather if you believe in evolution or not.
Aren't you overestimating the attention span and focus of a 7 year old?
Well I was told once to not underestimate kids intelligence even at 7 years old.
I just listed a generalized demographic, cartoon wise this probably would be TV Y7FV.
Though perhaps the range for readers will be 4th grade+

I don't think 7 yo kids like to read some story in an almost Nazi-fied planet. The furry somehow reminds me of Sonic world, don't know why. I would like to say you've got too few narration lines. But I think it's just your writing style isn't? I'm never good with that, like korean webnovels writing style or something, where dialogues take up 80% of a chapter. Seems solid tho
Hey, avatar the last airbender had some deep cut themes of fascism and war.... yet was a series made for 7-year-olds.
Also this series did start as a Sonic spinoff, went off to do its own thing.
 
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Jemini

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Hey, avatar the last airbender had some deep cut themes of fascism and war.... yet was a series made for 7-year-olds.
Also this series did start as a Sonic spinoff, went off to do its own thing.

Not all totalitarian dictators are based off Nazis. The fire nation struck me as far more USSR than anything. Or, maybe the Momoyama period of Japan. (Late 1500s) The Fire Lord and the military end of things seemed a lot like Oda Nobunaga, while the school system in the state had the revisionist practices of Soviet Russia. The military itself seemed like something situated right immediately between the two.

Meanwhile, the earth nation was very Communist China.
 

MadmanRB

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Hey semantics besides this is only surface level stuff and in the first chapter.
I am more concerned about overall presentation, is this first chapter good enough to continue forward in its current state?
Should I shorten it?
Break it in two?
I did try to reduce the dialog as much as I could, as I tend to use dialog in my writing style.
I tend to focus on my characters first and for me the best way to know a character is to let them talk.
After all, I think like this is a cartoon without animation and most cartoons are dialog driven.
Its just the school of thought I am going in with.
If I have to shorten the dialog somehow and or cut some parts off for later chapters, I will.
 

MadmanRB

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What the hell did I walk into?

Uhh I am asking for feedback on this new first chapter, the rest is just random replies from folks who rather make quips rather than give me feedback on my story.
I would appreciate any further commentary to you know... actually give me feedback, so I can know what to do next
I know this isn't a very standard story premise, but that's why I am working on it as opposed to my other story ideas.
Yes, I can write for humans and could easily make all my characters human and set my story on Earth, but where's the fun in that?
I liked the idea of creating my own race who isn't just some human with pointy ears or a lumpy forehead.
Sure, I still kept it simple by making them rabbits, but only because I still wanted to create something familiar.
I could make every character a blob monster or a squid but imagine all those arms.... yeah.
 

MadmanRB

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Okay I edited the document based on some suggestions I got elsewhere...

The link to the revised draft is different though, so please click the link I provided in my post above or just go here:
 

MadmanRB

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Okay final edit for now, I will let this one sit for a few days and see how you folks feel about it.
I removed some parts, did some revisions and (hopefully) smoothed it out.

 
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