Need feedback for rewriting first chapter

Lloyd

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Hello! I have never been satisfied with my first chapter of 'The Sovereign Gamer', however i didn't want to spend weeks or months on it like i sometimes do with a new story. The result ended up being a little generic in my opinion, however im now having a blast writing the current chapters. Any feedback on chapter one would be appreciated so i can know which direction to go with my rewrites.

 

Snusmumriken

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Well, honestly you are right. It is generic. Both synopsis and the 1st chapter are made for a very specific type of audience that reads gamer novels. The deluge of information in windows (like all the races that MC didn't choose) simply reinforce that. As well as the usual appearance of ROB and granting of the powers.

While I can't help you with any suggestions for a gamer story (since I don't read them myself) I feel like your MC is too pliant. He just doesn't feel like he has his own personality - the conversation with ROB is muted and the conversation with hunter just reinforced it as he was now already acting as ROB told him to do pretty much. Which doesn't make him feel like an independent character and more of the extended tool of the ROB.
 

Lloyd

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Well, honestly you are right. It is generic. Both synopsis and the 1st chapter are made for a very specific type of audience that reads gamer novels. The deluge of information in windows (like all the races that MC didn't choose) simply reinforce that. As well as the usual appearance of ROB and granting of the powers.

While I can't help you with any suggestions for a gamer story (since I don't read them myself) I feel like your MC is too pliant. He just doesn't feel like he has his own personality - the conversation with ROB is muted and the conversation with hunter just reinforced it as he was now already acting as ROB told him to do pretty much. Which doesn't make him feel like an independent character and more of the extended tool of the ROB.
Thanks, I'll keep it in mind!
 

D.Dimitrov

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Well, honestly you are right. It is generic. Both synopsis and the 1st chapter are made for a very specific type of audience that reads gamer novels. The deluge of information in windows (like all the races that MC didn't choose) simply reinforce that. As well as the usual appearance of ROB and granting of the powers.

While I can't help you with any suggestions for a gamer story (since I don't read them myself) I feel like your MC is too pliant. He just doesn't feel like he has his own personality - the conversation with ROB is muted and the conversation with hunter just reinforced it as he was now already acting as ROB told him to do pretty much. Which doesn't make him feel like an independent character and more of the extended tool of the ROB.
I agree about the character, but it's not only the MC that needs some fixing. You need more depth to your characters, their reactions are like robots playing a script.

What you need is to add some doubts to the characters, as well as more reflexive actions, such as humming, scratching the head, etc... anything can work, honestly. Those additions are a good extra for the dialogues that the characters have. It makes it more involving and keeps the readers engaged, not bored. A clean dialogue between characters can be done, but it's good to add those extras.

Your writing isn't bad, but still needs a bit of fixing for some of the words that you use, as it comes a bit weird at places. You should check the tables with information as well, and maybe make them a bit more, hmm... Okay, I will give you an example here.

1626187334617.png


If you change it to something like that:


Human - A versatile race with average stats, with a chance to achieve high growth. Humans adapt relatively well to different environments, and while most of them are weak, there are few that can achieve greatness.

I think that will look much better, but that is my opinion, of course.

Okay, that should be enough from me. Hope I helped you out.
 

Lloyd

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I agree about the character, but it's not only the MC that needs some fixing. You need more depth to your characters, their reactions are like robots playing a script.

What you need is to add some doubts to the characters, as well as more reflexive actions, such as humming, scratching the head, etc... anything can work, honestly. Those additions are a good extra for the dialogues that the characters have. It makes it more involving and keeps the readers engaged, not bored. A clean dialogue between characters can be done, but it's good to add those extras.

Your writing isn't bad, but still needs a bit of fixing for some of the words that you use, as it comes a bit weird at places. You should check the tables with information as well, and maybe make them a bit more, hmm... Okay, I will give you an example here.

View attachment 8635

If you change it to something like that:


Human - A versatile race with average stats, with a chance to achieve high growth. Humans adapt relatively well to different environments, and while most of them are weak, there are few that can achieve greatness.

I think that will look much better, but that is my opinion, of course.

Okay, that should be enough from me. Hope I helped you out.
Thanks!
 
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