Need feedback from people who love reading GL smut

killwrites

Need motivation
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I'm just gonna preface this by saying that I have very little experience writing explicit R-18 scenes. Usually I draw the line at kissing and teasing, but for a future chapter I'm writing such a scene between two secondary characters (both girls) and since this isn't my forte at all, I'm hoping that others can help me review how realistic is it and how can I improve.

It's in the spoilers below
Zhu'er shivered, not from fright, but from the overwhelming passion and pleasure that flared up to envelop her in heat and need. Totally helpless against her master’s fervent appeal, she shifted and rubbed her thighs together—suddenly conscious of a burning sensation running through her already throbbing body.



“Ara, aren’t you one naughty girl?” She smiled teasingly as she traced the outline of her breasts through the silky fabric of her brocade dress. “What if I touched…here?” She slowly moved her finger across the outline of her aroused nipples in tender strokes.



Zhu’er quivered and moaned softly at her touch. “Shi niang-niang…this…I…I can’t…”



“You can’t?” She kissed Zhu’er, gently at first, then with her tongue in her mouth, laving and stroking the insides of her mouth lasciviously.



Zhu’er gasped nimbly as her master’s tongue found hers. Wrapping her arms around her master, she pressed her body tightly against hers and urged their kiss harder, deeper.



“Touch me.” Slipping her silk robe off her shoulders, she took her hand and placed it on her swollen breasts.



Zhu’er complied, caressing her breasts ever so tenderly. She then lowered her lips down on her right nipple, sucking it gently and using her tongue to lick her rosy soft areola. With her other hand, she circled her left nipple with her nails and pinched it lightly, rolling it under her finger before cupping her breast and fondling it with her hand.



A wave of delight engulfed her in an instant. This was what she wanted—something the all-too-eager men she entertained as a courtesan never managed to comprehend. Moaning in pure euphoria, she gracefully opened her legs and guided Zhu’er to her already-wet nether regions.



Zhu’er, as expected of a fast learner, laid down and rubbed her moist clitoris gently. Her hands were cold as she pressed her delicate fingers on the hot skin of her vulva—the delicious contrast in temperature shot immense white hot pleasure through her folds. Then, Zhu’er moved closer and kissed her clitoris passionately.



Tremors ran through her body with each slow lick. She arched her back in ecstasy as Zhu’er proceeded to insert her tongue into her swollen lips while teasing her clitoris with her thumb, alternating between soft and hard rubs. Her nipples became hard and tingled, her clitoris felt like it was on fire, and sheer sexual desire overcame her. She wrapped her legs around Zhu’er—spurring her on with her own hip movements—and demanded more and more until the intense pulsing of her nub had almost reached a crescendo. She threw her head back and shoved her vulva harder against her tongue, desperate for the sweet, sweet release of her hot, soaked center.



“Haah...haah...hah...ah...ah-ah-AH!” Her body wound up tight, tight, tight—then released all its tension in an explosion. Her body convulsed against her servant as she spasmed in climax.



Everything seemed to come to a standstill except for the rising and falling of her chest, which was accompanied by harsh, panting breaths after her orgasm.



Zhu’er sat up and slowly kissed and nibbled on her neck, letting out a small whimper of frustration as she looked at her master with pleading eyes.
 

Moonpearl

The Yuri Empress
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This is pretty good! You give a lot of detailed description, you have both characters and their passion involved in the scene, and the sex itself is not unrealistic.

I did find it a little confusing, since you seem to be switching between both people's perspectives instead of following one. Since you begin by directly describing Zhu-er's internal feelings, I'd expect to be following those all the way through. When I started reading this part:
A wave of delight engulfed her in an instant. This was what she wanted—something the all-too-eager men she entertained as a courtesan never managed to comprehend. Moaning in pure euphoria, she gracefully opened her legs and guided Zhu’er to her already-wet nether regions.
... I still took it as describing Zhu-er's feelings, and was knocked out of the narrative when you finally indicated it was the other woman's.

Personally, I prefer following one person's perspective and solely revealing the other person's through their appearance, actions and speech, since it doesn't throw the reader back and forth between two different characters.
But if you do really want to use the double-perspective method, I would suggest making it clear right at the beginning of each switch whose inner narrative is being provided.

Also, about this line:
rubbed her moist clitoris gently
Even though it's a sex scene, "moist" is still a pretty repulsive word. And since the clitoris doesn't produce lubricant, even if it sometimes happens to get a bit wet because of excess lubrication spilling out, it feels somewhat wrong.
I think "swollen" or "hard"/"hardened" would be fine here to indicate arousal, or it would possibly be fine without a descriptor for the clit.

Overall, the way you present the description also feels a bit clinical at times. I think this is partially due to word choices like "insert" and "vulva" (which feel less passionate and personal), and partially because it leans a little more heavily on telling us about the sex as a series of events rather than lingering on the five senses of the character experiencing it.
But that's more of a fine-tuning issue, I think.

not the person to ask about sex but here is an old thread about stuff like this
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/the-yuri-writing-help-room-18.754/
(This thread actually never dies, it's just that nobody has asked anything there in a while. Everyone is free to post there whenever they want.)
 

killwrites

Need motivation
Joined
Sep 11, 2021
Messages
126
Points
83
This is pretty good! You give a lot of detailed description, you have both characters and their passion involved in the scene, and the sex itself is not unrealistic.

I did find it a little confusing, since you seem to be switching between both people's perspectives instead of following one. Since you begin by directly describing Zhu-er's internal feelings, I'd expect to be following those all the way through. When I started reading this part:

... I still took it as describing Zhu-er's feelings, and was knocked out of the narrative when you finally indicated it was the other woman's.

Personally, I prefer following one person's perspective and solely revealing the other person's through their appearance, actions and speech, since it doesn't throw the reader back and forth between two different characters.
But if you do really want to use the double-perspective method, I would suggest making it clear right at the beginning of each switch whose inner narrative is being provided.

Also, about this line:

Even though it's a sex scene, "moist" is still a pretty repulsive word. And since the clitoris doesn't produce lubricant, even if it sometimes happens to get a bit wet because of excess lubrication spilling out, it feels somewhat wrong.
I think "swollen" or "hard"/"hardened" would be fine here to indicate arousal, or it would possibly be fine without a descriptor for the clit.

Overall, the way you present the description also feels a bit clinical at times. I think this is partially due to word choices like "insert" and "vulva" (which feel less passionate and personal), and partially because it leans a little more heavily on telling us about the sex as a series of events rather than lingering on the five senses of the character experiencing it.
But that's more of a fine-tuning issue, I think.


(This thread actually never dies, it's just that nobody has asked anything there in a while. Everyone is free to post there whenever they want.)
thank you for the comprehensive feedback! I'll edit it to focus on the flow and clarity and make it more personal
 
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