Need feedback

L0pez

New member
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Apr 4, 2019
Messages
9
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Fact that "feminist themes" and "lgbt+ characters" had to be mentioned in synopsis probably scared people off.

I'm currently at "Chapter Seven: Why Do All Men Want You Dead"
I just came here from novelupdates after and haven't ever written anything so you don't have to take my criticism seriously, but there was few details that bothered me.

First... what the hell is "The Kariot" from chap 1?

You might want to proofread one more time.
There was a reasons while magicians were feared wherever they went.
“Yes. She is dead,” he replied. There was silence from the other side although he heard some scuffling.

“It seems you have brother Frederick. Return back to the temple. You need to be rewarded for your service to keeping this world safe by the leaders.”

There is also quite a few missing " , ", periods instead of question marks, I suggest using Grammarly.

As for the story:
I might be nitpicking after rampaging through many isekais, but world showed sometimes isn't consistent.
Putting aside international schools which even nobles and royalty attends...

1. Choice mentions that she has nothing to do within castle, then what was she taught at this perpetual school?
If she was taught to dance, look pretty and be well-mannered then they should have also hammered into her to make use of this knowledge, by organizing parties and observing internal and external affairs. (Cause, yeah, that was usually a thing to do for a female noble, she still was an asset to family and even a woman could be used to something)

2. The contest between heirs is like invite for civil war. The fact that "Princes aren't allowed to have private armies" doesn't really decrease the threat of civil war. Feudalism isn't about employed mercenaries or militias but about who nobles support and are willing to lend their knights to. If one prince has more nobles' support than king then why would he need "private army" to start a rebellion?

3. Choice may be a prodigy because she arrives at a decision that denies her world's common sense without any internal debate. When all the world says that "a woman can't be king" with the same conviction as "water is wet", there should be some trigger for her to think out of the box. Even if that was something trivial as her thinking "If my aunt didn't need a husband and could do just as well as a man would with terrain management then there is no reason why I couldn't do good as a king.". If world view could turn around in a second and upbringing while being taught shit didn't matter, don't you think there would be fewer countries shitting on women's rights to this day?
But yeah, that's probably me nitpicking because I read too much medieval isekais.


For now, it's entertaining and I'm planning to read further, especially since shit has yet to hit the fan.
Though from now on I'll be using comments for giving feedback.

@Edit because I found out how 'SPOILER' works and because I want to clarify some things I could not convey properly.
Ad. 1st sentence. I meant it, it really would scare me off if I wouldn't start from the forum. Having a female protagonist aspiring to rule the kingdom and "bi-protagonists" in tags is enough to convey your message (Unless you'll go misandry path) without "lgbt+ and feminism", but having it(lgbt+ feminism message) makes one think that, this novel is about to hit meme-worth levels of feminism, and prolly avoid it.

Ad. Inconsistency 2.
This one was really nitpicking because even medieval Poland had some sort of 'let's get hammered and vote' kind of meetings, where nobles would decide shit, so as long as you properly (in-world historically would be easiest) justify nobles choosing heir by their merits(tho it's not like one could magically increase some terrains revenue) then it's still logical.
 
Last edited:

compass96

Active member
Joined
Feb 11, 2019
Messages
17
Points
43
Fact that "feminist themes" and "lgbt+ characters" had to be mentioned in synopsis probably scared people off.

I'm currently at "Chapter Seven: Why Do All Men Want You Dead"
I just came here from novelupdates after and haven't ever written anything so you don't have to take my criticism seriously, but there was few details that bothered me.

First... what the hell is "The Kariot" from chap 1?

You might want to proofread one more time.
There was a reasons while magicians were feared wherever they went.

“Yes. She is dead,” he replied. There was silence from the other side although he heard some scuffling.

“It seems you have brother Frederick. Return back to the temple. You need to be rewarded for your service to keeping this world safe by the leaders.”


There is also quite a few missing " , ", periods instead of question marks, I suggest using Grammarly.

As for the story:

I might be nitpicking after rampaging through many isekais, but world showed sometimes isn't consistent.
Putting aside international schools which even nobles and royalty attends...

1. Choice mentions that she has nothing to do within castle, then what was she taught at this perpetual school?
If she was taught to dance, look pretty and be well-mannered then they should have also hammered into her to make use of this knowledge, by organizing parties and observing internal and external affairs. (Cause, yeah, that was usually a thing to do for a female noble, she still was an asset to family and even a woman could be used to something)

2. The contest between heirs is like invite for civil war. The fact that "Princes aren't allowed to have private armies" doesn't really decrease the threat of civil war. Feudalism isn't about employed mercenaries or militias but about who nobles support and are willing to lend their knights to. If one prince has more nobles' support than king then why would he need "private army" to start a rebellion?

3. Choice may be a prodigy because she arrives at a decision that denies her world's common sense without any internal debate. When all the world says that "a woman can't be king" with the same conviction as "water is wet", there should be some trigger for her to think out of the box. Even if that was something trivial as her thinking "If my aunt didn't need a husband and could do just as well as a man would with terrain management then there is no reason why I couldn't do good as a king.". If world view could turn around in a second and upbringing while being taught shit didn't matter, don't you think there would be fewer countries shitting on women's rights to this day?


But yeah, that's probably me nitpicking because I read too much medieval isekais.


For now, it's entertaining and I'm planning to read further, especially since shit has yet to hit the fan.
Though from now one I'll be using comments for giving feedback.
Thanks for the comments especially the one about what triggered her to desire to want to ascend the throne. I'll need to incorporate that in. Thanks also for your comments about Perpetual Academy. I'm going to fix that. Somehow.

I'll go back and do some proof reading. Thanks a lot for the comment.
 

Alverost

Eternal Procrastinator
Staff member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
1,071
Points
153
Try going to discord server, there are a lot of experienced authors/editors/mentors on there. We also have a workshop channel to help with feedback and etc.
 
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