Need Feedback

taesijr123

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Feb 3, 2019
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I need someone to slap some reality on me.
Should i continue at this pace or get two step backwards.
And remake the whole thing from scratch.

Note: I felt like I rushed it XD
Because [I was experimenting around the story a bit.]
 

HURGMCGURG

That Guy
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Jan 22, 2019
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Welp. This is going to be harsh. I'm a bit of a hard ass when it comes to this kind of stuff.
Personally, I don't think the name of the story really fits it. It's a little to plain, and could be applied to many different stories with frightening ease. What you need is something slightly more unique. As an example "The Demon Princess Is The Human Princess's Maid!" could work. It's unique and gives an exact explanation of what the content is.

I would agree with you, this does seem a little rushed. I understand that you want to get into the main body of the story immediately, but it's important to carefully write the story. For pure background before the teleportation, you should probably try to write about 500 words or more, not including the realization of a past life.
Also, the mention of a past life is far too brief, and probably doesn't even need to be included considering the lack of information or character development from that. It feels like a pointless tack on, just so you can make references to modern things, or knowledge she shouldn't have that you can just explain away with it. If you want it to have more purpose, then you need to focus on it, or at least go more in depth.
The teleportation description is rather weak, as it doesn't even allow us to witness all of the emotional turmoil our main character, or her family, had gone through, and if you want to include that, there should be a scene for it rather than just three sentences.
The actual introduction of our main character to the royal family also feels a bit weak in the first chapter. I would recommend trying to find a way to integrate that scene with the side story.
You like to keep switching between third person and first person and can't seem to make up your mind which to use. It's a little annoying to read that.

PS: Why are you trying to marry off the thirteen year old child to the prince? (I'm calling the police.)

Well, those were my gripes with what was written and how it was written. Well, mostly. There were also some grammar errors throughout that need to be touched up.
 
Last edited:

HURGMCGURG

That Guy
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Jan 22, 2019
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Well, your first chapter edit has gotten rid of most of my gripes. I hope it gets even better from here on out.
 

AMissingLinguist

Missing member
Joined
Jan 14, 2019
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I know that you asked for constructive criticism on your chapters, but the synopsis could use some work as well.

If you're going to describe the character, then use more than age, hair color, and eye color. Turn it into proper sentences.

Change the ellipses to a comma after yes. Ellipses should only be used when there's context to understand what was omitted.

Capitalize the i to I.

"Even if i told them the truth" is not a complete sentence. Combine it with the next sentence by changing the period to a comma.

It should be "demon king's daughter", not "demon king daughter". Remove "that" from "A demon king daughter that has been sent[...]" since removing the prepositions turns it into "A demon king daughter far away from home", which is not a complete sentence.

"But suddenly encountered the royal family" is also not a complete sentence.



I wish you good luck in writing your story!
 

taesijr123

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 3, 2019
Messages
46
Points
58
:;): thanks for the feed-back.

Was experimenting and muddling through the waters.
Finally caught something nice to start-with.

Aside from the synopsis I guess its a good start XD
 
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