Need help with constructive criticisms! XIANXIA / ADVENTURE

yinmo

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I had just recently started writing a xianxia novel. Would appreciate any comments and feedback at all!

Thanks!

 
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YuriDoggo

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If I am allowed one question: Why is your title so non-descriptive and generic?

Something like "Fate of a Thousand Lives | 千世缘" tells the reader nothing and basically does nothing but sound cool. Titles just like it are also a dime a dozen in Chinese novels.

Even in your synopsis, you have "A fate that intertwines, stretching a thousand lifetimes." as the only reference, but to be completely honest, even if no one says it, the reader doesn't care about the thousand lives that you're not showing⁠—only the one you are currently writing about, in this case about Xue Jin Feng and Yin Qian.

The reader also has to go all the way to the bottom half of the synopsis, past—again—flowery words that really doesn't mean anything, dropping attention points as they go, in order to find out more about the novel.

Finally, the synopsis itself isn't written very satisfyingly. For example, give a hint of the misunderstanding. Many novels where the character tries to prove their innocence includes something like "a crime he did not commit," which is much more appealing and powerful than a general "misunderstanding."

Additionally, why is it "too late?" Too late for what? For the world to be destroyed? Being vague doesn't help anyone. Like before, you should be a bit more specific to grab the reader's attention.
 

yinmo

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Haha! thanks for your critique!

i'm actually still in the midst of drafting up the entire plot summary hence the title and synopsis are all just working drafts.

I'll take your comment to heart and work on a more accurate description of the synopsis and title. I do agree that everything is very vague at the moment as I have only just started drafting out the MCs and the plot surrounding them as well as working on creating the world they live in at the moment.

This has been very helpful! I do hope that you could give more comments once i've redone up a newer version of the synopsis! :D
 

yinmo

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If I am allowed one question: Why is your title so non-descriptive and generic?

Something like "Fate of a Thousand Lives | 千世缘" tells the reader nothing and basically does nothing but sound cool. Titles just like it are also a dime a dozen in Chinese novels.

Even in your synopsis, you have "A fate that intertwines, stretching a thousand lifetimes." as the only reference, but to be completely honest, even if no one says it, the reader doesn't care about the thousand lives that you're not showing⁠—only the one you are currently writing about, in this case about Xue Jin Feng and Yin Qian.

The reader also has to go all the way to the bottom half of the synopsis, past—again—flowery words that really doesn't mean anything, dropping attention points as they go, in order to find out more about the novel.

Finally, the synopsis itself isn't written very satisfyingly. For example, give a hint of the misunderstanding. Many novels where the character tries to prove their innocence includes something like "a crime he did not commit," which is much more appealing and powerful than a general "misunderstanding."

Additionally, why is it "too late?" Too late for what? For the world to be destroyed? Being vague doesn't help anyone. Like before, you should be a bit more specific to grab the reader's attention.


I have actually just redid up a new version of the synopsis. Could I trouble you for some feedback? Love to hear more about what you think of this new version

Thanks!
 

YuriDoggo

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The Fate of a Thousand Lives - Past, Present, Future.
Being part of the karmic cycle of reincarnation, even deities have their past. At the end of their lives, every one is given a chance to start anew in the next. What happens in this lifetime, shall remain a memory in this lifetime. However, fate likes to play its cruel tricks. Thousands of years ago, their lives were brought together in this web of entanglement. Lifetimes later, they meet again with no memories of the pain in their past. Will they make the same choices as they did back then? Will the outcome always be the same - of heartbreak and sacrifice? When will they finish repaying the debts to one another in this thousand lifetimes?

This time you left off the character introductions. Who is "they?" Their titles (heir/general/whatever of Dragon/Phoenix clan) and some background about the relations between the tribes. What do you mean by debt?

I notice you cut out the underworld guy completely. If he's going to be a main character, then you shouldn't blindside the reader by not mentioning a character that might take up to a third of page time. On the other hand, if he's out of the plot, then ignore this paragraph.

The Fate of a Thousand Lives - Past, Present, Future.

Being part of the karmic cycle of reincarnation, even deities have their pasts. At the end of their lives, everyone is given a chance to start anew. What happens in this lifetime, shall remain in this cycle. However, fate loves its cruel tricks.

Thousands of years ago, their lives were brought together in a web of entanglement . Many lifetimes later, they meet again with no memories of the pain in of their pasts. Will they repeat their old mistakes? Will the outcome be the same again⁠—steeped in heartbreak and sacrifice? When will they finish repaying the debts to one another in this thousand lifetimes?
 
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yinmo

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This time you left off the character introductions. Who is "they?" Their titles (heir/general/whatever of Dragon/Phoenix clan) and some background about the relations between the tribes. What do you mean by debt?

I notice you cut out the underworld guy completely. If he's going to be a main character, then you shouldn't blindside the reader by not mentioning a character that might take up to a third of page time. On the other hand, if he's out of the plot, then ignore this paragraph.


Hello! I think you had an older version of the synopsis I wrote. This is the most current one (i'm sorry its so confusing because I kept trying to rewrite it with your comment in mind...)

Being part of the karmic cycle of reincarnation, even deities have their past. At the end of their lives, every one is given a chance to start anew in the next. What happens in this lifetime, shall remain a memory in this lifetime. However, fate like to play its cruel tricks.

After a Heavenly Warrior gets heavily injured during an epic battle of two worlds, she seeks solace in the mortal realm after sealing the last of her powers. With no memories of her past life, Yin Qian meets a man destined to change her life forever...

Decreed to marry while his heart lies with another, the successor to the throne of the Nine Heavenly Cities and heir of the Dragon tribe develops a plan to elope with his love. Can Xue Jin Feng turn a blind eye to all the lives that will be affected by his decision?..

When the Prince of the Netherworld sets to avenge his wrongfully banished father, Duo Jie Hsuan is set on a similar path of his star crossed parents..

Thousands of years ago, three lives were brought together in a web of entanglement, meeting again in the Nine Heavenly Cities with no memories of the pain in their past. Fate of a Thousand Lives is a story of epic warfares filled with fantasy, passion and misguided intentions. Spanning across worlds and lifetimes, will the outcome always be the same - of heartbreak and sacrifice? When will one finish repaying the debts to another in lifetimes spanning thousands of years?

Is this a better version? I am torn between trying to give background on the characters in the book versus giving away too much spoilers.
 

YuriDoggo

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Being part of the karmic cycle of reincarnation, even deities have their past. At the end of their lives, every one is given a chance to start anew in the next. What happens in this lifetime, shall remain a memory in this lifetime. However, fate like to play its cruel tricks.

After a Heavenly Warrior gets heavily injured during an epic battle of two worlds, she seeks solace in the mortal realm after sealing the last of her powers. With no memories of her past life, Yin Qian meets a man destined to change her life forever...

Decreed to marry while his heart lies with another, the successor to the throne of the Nine Heavenly Cities and heir of the Dragon tribe develops a plan to elope with his love. Can Xue Jin Feng turn a blind eye to all the lives that will be affected by his decision?..

When the Prince of the Netherworld sets to avenge his wrongfully banished father, Duo Jie Hsuan is set on a similar path of his star crossed parents..

Thousands of years ago, three lives were brought together in a web of entanglement, meeting again in the Nine Heavenly Cities with no memories of the pain in their past. Fate of a Thousand Lives is a story of epic warfares filled with fantasy, passion and misguided intentions. Spanning across worlds and lifetimes, will the outcome always be the same - of heartbreak and sacrifice? When will one finish repaying the debts to another in lifetimes spanning thousands of years?

This is a lot better. I still recommend implementing some of the changes I outlined above in my version. I think it flows a bit better.

This synopsis is improved in many ways.

The two lover characters are introduced a lot better, with some of the their pasts and conflicts revealed. It makes them more memorable as characters compared to the first iteration I looked at.

However, there is a problem with vagueness once again. "set on a similar path of his star crossed parents."
Who? What do you mean?

Also, you shouldn't use ellipses (...) so often. All of them can be replaced with a period, a question mark, and a period respectively.
 

yinmo

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This is a lot better. I still recommend implementing some of the changes I outlined above in my version. I think it flows a bit better.

This synopsis is improved in many ways.

The two lover characters are introduced a lot better, with some of the their pasts and conflicts revealed. It makes them more memorable as characters compared to the first iteration I looked at.

However, there is a problem with vagueness once again. "set on a similar path of his star crossed parents."
Who? What do you mean?

Also, you shouldn't use ellipses (...) so often. All of them can be replaced with a period, a question mark, and a period respectively.

Hello! Thank you so much for your input!! I really appreciate all the guidance in writing a better synopsis! I tried to incorporate your feedback into the latest draft below (as much as I possibly can.) My problem with vagueness is still about trying to strike a balance between introducing the character and giving away too much..

Here goes nothing!

SYNOPSIS (final draft. hopefully.)

Being part of the karmic cycle of reincarnation, even deities have their past. At the end of their lives, every one is given a chance to start anew in the next. What happens in this lifetime, shall remain a memory in this lifetime. However, fate like to play its cruel tricks.

After a Heavenly Warrior gets heavily injured during an epic battle of two worlds, she seeks solace in the mortal realm after sealing the last of her powers. With no memories of her past life, Yin Qian meets a man destined to change her life forever.

Decreed to marry while his heart lies with another, the successor to the throne of the Nine Heavenly Cities and heir of the Dragon tribe develops a plan to elope with his love. Can Xue Jin Feng turn a blind eye to all the lives that will be affected by his decision?

When the Prince of the Netherworld sets to avenge his wrongfully banished father, Duo Jie Hsuan is set on a similar path as his star-crossed parents that has him unexpectedly fall for a mortal. Will history repeat itself and lead to the ultimate destruction of the Xiu Luo tribe?

Thousands of years ago, three lives were brought together in a web of entanglement, meeting again in the Nine Heavenly Cities with no memories of the pain in their past. Fate of a Thousand Lives is a story of epic warfares filled with fantasy, passion and misguided intentions. Spanning across worlds and lifetimes, will the outcome always be the same - of heartbreak and sacrifice? When will one finish repaying the debts to another in lifetimes spanning thousands of years?


Is this better?
 

YuriDoggo

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It's great. However, now you should work on awkward wording for your first and last paragraph. You have gotten all the relevant information across quite well now, though.
 
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