Need help with Feed backs

JWL

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Dec 23, 2018
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Guys my story got panned in Royal road without any feedback. Meanwhile, Scribblehub activity has slow to the crawl. Do you have any idea where do I need to go/advertise for some feedback
 

lnv

✪ Well-Known Hypocrite
Joined
Dec 24, 2018
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173
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Guys my story got panned in Royal road without any feedback. Meanwhile, Scribblehub activity has slow to the crawl. Do you have any idea where do I need to go/advertise for some feedback
Looking at your reviews, one person mentions poor grammar. Since it has been a few months ago, has that been fixed?
 

JWL

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Dec 23, 2018
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Looking at your reviews, one person mentions poor grammar. Since it has been a few months ago, has that been fixed?
Yes for the first 8 chapters meanwhile 18 on the ward was more or less consistency. I am learning how to use Grammarly back then... Just comment on the chapter you want a fix and I will do it as fast as I can
 

Eukro

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My feedback won't be all that exciting, I am more of a reader than a writer. I feel like the material, the content of your story doesn't match with the narration style. You are talking about Gods and Goddesses and writing with a narration that seems more like a teenager talking to other teenagers. The Gods and Goddesses sound immature and unintelligent as well. Are they Gods who have lived for millennia or are they all in their teens?

You also seem to make a lot of weird assumptions that leave you scratching your head going, what is the author even talking about?
A bang of hair fanned to the right of her face, giving her the asymmetrical looked that was proof of her erratic nature.

I personally didn't find the story compelling to read, but maybe it's just not my style of story?
 

JWL

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Dec 23, 2018
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25
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My feedback won't be all that exciting, I am more of a reader than a writer. I feel like the material, the content of your story doesn't match with the narration style. You are talking about Gods and Goddesses and writing with a narration that seems more like a teenager talking to other teenagers. The Gods and Goddesses sound immature and unintelligent as well. Are they Gods who have lived for millennia or are they all in their teens?

You also seem to make a lot of weird assumptions that leave you scratching your head going, what is the author even talking about?
A bang of hair fanned to the right of her face, giving her the asymmetrical looked that was proof of her erratic nature.

I personally didn't find the story compelling to read, but maybe it's just not my style of story?
I will clarify this because it pops up so much.

The gods are meant to be immature and irresponsible. They are the strongest faction bar none in the story (until HD fully form), and the main source of the conflict. They are not evil per se but selfish and immature. The reason conflict even arrive was because they, like all the gods in classical mythology, is incompetent self-center brat who very action generate problem and fail to solve anything and are so detached from the rest of humanity, they should be kept far away from the No.1 spot as far as possible.

Scathach is a prime example. She strong, skill and powerful but she is self-center to the hell of it but no one is powerful enough to discipline her. When someone discovers the right button to press, she sulks like a kid, because despite her power, she still behaves like an arrogant young master who got his cultivation seal because he bullies a puppy and still doesn't get why he was punished.

That is why the god sound like a whiny teenage idiot... they never grew up in the last hundred years. The entire story was the focus around the result of having the gods be so immature.

And please comment on the detail you don't understand or don't get at the end of each chapter it makes it easier for me to correct.

Thank you
 
Last edited:

mr.heavy-writer

Tony's Friend
Joined
Jul 3, 2019
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82
Points
18
Guys my story got panned in Royal road without any feedback. Meanwhile, Scribblehub activity has slow to the crawl. Do you have any idea where do I need to go/advertise for some feedback
did you have a good cover ?
 

tiaf

The Irredeemable Artistic Fujoshi
Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
82
Points
33
Okay, I only skimmed the first chapter to write this (though I had to read some parts more than once to get them). Also, I usually don’t read the Isekai genre (only watch anime and manga of it). You may ignore my opinion, but those are reasons, why I wouldn't read it:

What bugged me the most, was the description/summary. Too much information I don’t know, what to do with. As a reader, I’m as clueless as before reading it. You comment and tags tell me, there will be Gods and the like, but your summary doesn't give a hint of it.

Again, too many names, states and fictional inventions (Chronicler, Dream, Africa, America, North Korea, all Asia, Emma enterprise, Demonic Continent, Phantasia and Horizon dawn) - That it is veeery complicated for a summary, too hard to diggest for a appetizer. You better put that into a prologue than a story description.

The first chapter gives of the same feeling, it’s very fast paced with many characters introduced. I don't know where to put my focus on, for example:

"It sucked so badly that the Liberator once considered supporting a rabid rebellion of Tie Hua, the She-who-have-lost-her-mind." (you don't need the "have", why not simply give her a short nickname to remember her easier?)

Second paragraph and we get yet another new name, who is unimportant after only 2 sentences. Please introduce characters, when they have an important role to fullfil or make their first appearrance.

Also, I simply can't connect to their conversation. There is so much information thrown at my brain and yet I don't even know what state of the world they live in is like, because there are also their antics between those news. It cut offs my train of thoughts.

I would say less is more, give your readers time to arrive in your story. You could've shorten the conversation between those gods immensely to not confuse the readers. I would have found it way more interesting, if you had focused on the boys in the canyon only. After all there is a boy with nothing, but his pyjamas on.

Come on, that is asking for comedic development and is raising questions for why the poor boy is stuck with literary nothing somewhere without wifi!

Finally, your last sentence.

"That was the beginning of Horizon Dawn. The crossing between the boy and the goddess that would bring forth the heroic legend, discoveries and internet terrorism the like Phantasia had ever seen."

Call me a goldfish, for my short memory, but which goddess do you mean?

English is not my mother tongue, but I still get the feeling, that sometimes words are amiss. And please put more commas or make your sentences simpler. Like @Eukro said, your narrative style doesn't match your characters childish antics. Too much in between reading, while they are such simpletons.

Just write succinctly, that the world is fucked up everwhere. And why? There are Rem and rest, the gods, the allmighty ones, who are occupied with the question of questions— who is this tumblr, xx is talking about?
 

JWL

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Dec 23, 2018
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Okay, I only skimmed the first chapter to write this (though I had to read some parts more than once to get them). Also, I usually don’t read the Isekai genre (only watch anime and manga of it). You may ignore my opinion, but those are reasons, why I wouldn't read it:

What bugged me the most, was the description/summary. Too much information I don’t know, what to do with. As a reader, I’m as clueless as before reading it. You comment and tags tell me, there will be Gods and the like, but your summary doesn't give a hint of it.

Again, too many names, states and fictional inventions (Chronicler, Dream, Africa, America, North Korea, all Asia, Emma enterprise, Demonic Continent, Phantasia and Horizon dawn) - That it is veeery complicated for a summary, too hard to diggest for a appetizer. You better put that into a prologue than a story description.

The first chapter gives of the same feeling, it’s very fast paced with many characters introduced. I don't know where to put my focus on, for example:

"It sucked so badly that the Liberator once considered supporting a rabid rebellion of Tie Hua, the She-who-have-lost-her-mind." (you don't need the "have", why not simply give her a short nickname to remember her easier?)

Second paragraph and we get yet another new name, who is unimportant after only 2 sentences. Please introduce characters, when they have an important role to fullfil or make their first appearrance.

Also, I simply can't connect to their conversation. There is so much information thrown at my brain and yet I don't even know what state of the world they live in is like, because there are also their antics between those news. It cut offs my train of thoughts.

I would say less is more, give your readers time to arrive in your story. You could've shorten the conversation between those gods immensely to not confuse the readers. I would have found it way more interesting, if you had focused on the boys in the canyon only. After all there is a boy with nothing, but his pyjamas on.

Come on, that is asking for comedic development and is raising questions for why the poor boy is stuck with literary nothing somewhere without wifi!

Finally, your last sentence.

"That was the beginning of Horizon Dawn. The crossing between the boy and the goddess that would bring forth the heroic legend, discoveries and internet terrorism the like Phantasia had ever seen."

Call me a goldfish, for my short memory, but which goddess do you mean?

English is not my mother tongue, but I still get the feeling, that sometimes words are amiss. And please put more commas or make your sentences simpler. Like @Eukro said, your narrative style doesn't match your characters childish antics. Too much in between reading, while they are such simpletons.

Just write succinctly, that the world is fucked up everwhere. And why? There are Rem and rest, the gods, the allmighty ones, who are occupied with the question of questions— who is this tumblr, xx is talking about?
So this is the fact

The description is basically a write up detailing the fact that that HD is literally up against several whole worlds a grade above Earth.

The first chapter serves as an introduction for Rem and foreshadowing of his main story arc, detailing his character: calm, intelligent and dead in the eye as hell.

It also details the world main problem. The gods are idiots.

Plus, Rem’s past is a key component sixteen Arc for now.

Now please explain how can I make it simpler
 

JWL

New member
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
25
Points
3
Okay, I only skimmed the first chapter to write this (though I had to read some parts more than once to get them). Also, I usually don’t read the Isekai genre (only watch anime and manga of it). You may ignore my opinion, but those are reasons, why I wouldn't read it:

What bugged me the most, was the description/summary. Too much information I don’t know, what to do with. As a reader, I’m as clueless as before reading it. You comment and tags tell me, there will be Gods and the like, but your summary doesn't give a hint of it.

Again, too many names, states and fictional inventions (Chronicler, Dream, Africa, America, North Korea, all Asia, Emma enterprise, Demonic Continent, Phantasia and Horizon dawn) - That it is veeery complicated for a summary, too hard to diggest for a appetizer. You better put that into a prologue than a story description.

The first chapter gives of the same feeling, it’s very fast paced with many characters introduced. I don't know where to put my focus on, for example:

"It sucked so badly that the Liberator once considered supporting a rabid rebellion of Tie Hua, the She-who-have-lost-her-mind." (you don't need the "have", why not simply give her a short nickname to remember her easier?)

Second paragraph and we get yet another new name, who is unimportant after only 2 sentences. Please introduce characters, when they have an important role to fullfil or make their first appearrance.

Also, I simply can't connect to their conversation. There is so much information thrown at my brain and yet I don't even know what state of the world they live in is like, because there are also their antics between those news. It cut offs my train of thoughts.

I would say less is more, give your readers time to arrive in your story. You could've shorten the conversation between those gods immensely to not confuse the readers. I would have found it way more interesting, if you had focused on the boys in the canyon only. After all there is a boy with nothing, but his pyjamas on.

Come on, that is asking for comedic development and is raising questions for why the poor boy is stuck with literary nothing somewhere without wifi!

Finally, your last sentence.

"That was the beginning of Horizon Dawn. The crossing between the boy and the goddess that would bring forth the heroic legend, discoveries and internet terrorism the like Phantasia had ever seen."

Call me a goldfish, for my short memory, but which goddess do you mean?

English is not my mother tongue, but I still get the feeling, that sometimes words are amiss. And please put more commas or make your sentences simpler. Like @Eukro said, your narrative style doesn't match your characters childish antics. Too much in between reading, while they are such simpletons.

Just write succinctly, that the world is fucked up everwhere. And why? There are Rem and rest, the gods, the allmighty ones, who are occupied with the question of questions— who is this tumblr, xx is talking about?
Should I readjust the tag
 

tiaf

The Irredeemable Artistic Fujoshi
Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
82
Points
33
Should I readjust the tag
I don’t see the need for it.

So this is the fact

The description is basically a write up detailing the fact that that HD is literally up against several whole worlds a grade above Earth.

The first chapter serves as an introduction for Rem and foreshadowing of his main story arc, detailing his character: calm, intelligent and dead in the eye as hell.

It also details the world main problem. The gods are idiots.

Plus, Rem’s past is a key component sixteen Arc for now.

Now please explain how can I make it simpler
I get, that it’s foreshadowing. However, the conversation takes up to much of the chapter.

I don’t need to know, that he has a younger self version he’s talking to, yet. You can reveal that later. And if it lies in the past, why not make it visible with italic.

You shouldn’t start with character introduction, but the key questions: Where, Who, When, What, How to get attention

World building. Tell me what the world looks like, so that I can understand their conversation easier.

Watched Attack on titan? Their intro gives you everything.
When? Year xxx, medieval setting
What? titans prey on humans for over 100 years
Who? MC are seen
Where? Somewhere behind walls
How did they get your attention? A mega titan destroyed the walls and broke their peace forever

There is a lot of foreshadowing, but it’s very short, so that the audience can concentrate on the present happenings. More actions, less confusing dialogues.

It’s your decision, how to write, but I would cut down the conversation to one up to three sentences and concentrate on one person first. The rest can be revealed in later chapters.
 

JWL

New member
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Dec 23, 2018
Messages
25
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3
I don’t see the need for it.



I get, that it’s foreshadowing. However, the conversation takes up to much of the chapter.

I don’t need to know, that he has a younger self version he’s talking to, yet. You can reveal that later. And if it lies in the past, why not make it visible with italic.

You shouldn’t start with character introduction, but the key questions: Where, Who, When, What, How to get attention

World building. Tell me what the world looks like, so that I can understand their conversation easier.

Watched Attack on titan? Their intro gives you everything.
When? Year xxx, medieval setting
What? titans prey on humans for over 100 years
Who? MC are seen
Where? Somewhere behind walls
How did they get your attention? A mega titan destroyed the walls and broke their peace forever

There is a lot of foreshadowing, but it’s very short, so that the audience can concentrate on the present happenings. More actions, less confusing dialogues.

It’s your decision, how to write, but I would cut down the conversation to one up to three sentences and concentrate on one person first. The rest can be revealed in later chapters.
Can’t change chapter 1... Complexity is kind of a thing here... But I I have an idea... Chapter 0...
 

JWL

New member
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Dec 23, 2018
Messages
25
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Can’t change chapter 1... Complexity is kind of a thing here... But I I have an idea... Chapter 0...
Chapter 0 prototype please tell me did I get this right. I plan to correct the grammar later
 

tiaf

The Irredeemable Artistic Fujoshi
Joined
May 29, 2019
Messages
82
Points
33
Chapter 0 prototype please tell me did I get this right. I plan to correct the grammar later
I think it's good. It definitely arouses interest and prepares the reader for the childish antics of the gods. The pacing is also good. :blob_highfive:
 
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