Writing Prompt New Age Bullshit

[Ai-chan]

You may have come across those spiritual articles which seems to say some profound shit but is actually quite bullshit. New Age is a catch-all term for new forms of spirituality, with the majority of them being some kind of yoga or wicca words of wisdom, which is most often bullshit. It's the kind of bullshit that you think someone could probably understand but you just shove it aside because it sounds bullshit to you.

Your task, if you choose to accept is to write New Age bullshit. It can be any length and about any topic. Heck, if you can write new age bullshit about fusion power, more power to you! Let's make some confusing shit that nobody understands!


Here is Ai-chan's example:

Consciousness consists of molecular structures of quantum energy. “Quantum” means an evolving of the holistic.
Life-force is the knowledge of power, and of us. Guidance is a constant.
The future will be an astral unfolding of insight.

Today, science tells us that the essence of nature is intention. Nothing is impossible. By blossoming, we self-actualize.

You and I are warriors of the solar system. Power requires exploration. The goal of ultrasonic energy is to plant the seeds of life rather than stagnation.

We are in the face of intuition and selfishness. Our conversations with other adventurers have led to an unfolding of supra-mythic consciousness. Throughout history, humans have been interacting with the infinite via bio-electricity.

It is a sign of things to come.

Reality has always been electrified with spiritual brothers and sisters whose chakras are engulfed in divinity. We are in the midst of a primordial unveiling of nature that will clear a path toward the dreamscape itself.

Chi is the driver of intention.
Fulfillment is the growth of ecstasy, and of us. Nothing is impossible.
The goal of meridians is to plant the seeds of insight rather than delusion.

Only an entity of the cosmos may manifest this wellspring of divinity. The complexity of the present time seems to demand an ennobling of our lives if we are going to survive. Where there is yearning, truth cannot thrive.

We are at a crossroads of rebirth and yearning. Reality has always been buzzing with storytellers whose hearts are opened by spacetime. Without purpose, one cannot self-actualize. We can no longer afford to live with yearning. You must take a stand against illusion.

We are being called to explore the solar system itself as an interface between health and stardust. We must learn how to lead infinite lives in the face of stagnation. It is a sign of things to come. Imagine an unveiling of what could be. Humankind has nothing to lose.

 

[Armored99]

I tried reading what you wrote and I stopped being able to see my computer screen.

 

[TotallyHuman]

By attuning your solar chakras to the quantum vibrations of the crystals, you can slow ageing. It has to do with the most fundamental laws of the universe, since the structure of the crystals are consistent with the shapes of the Platonic solids, the solar photons resonate the best with them. Nothing else in the world can achieve the same effect on such a small scale, that is why crystals are universally considered the most suitable tool for attuning your solar chakras to the sounds of the Universe.

I'd speak more of this but the bird-shaped government drones are flying over and I have to keep quiet

 

[Echimera]

The most important thing is to find a balance of the internal and external feng shui of your soul, mind, body and smartphone.
This means you have to carefully follow the instructions available in my self-published book for 99.99$.
These include instructions for

• meditation on divinity to optimize the arrangement of your soulspace
• exercises to sharpen the mind and body
• ideal placement of food on your table to optimize nutritional intake and minimize waste production
• optimal selection and placement of widgets and apps on your phone

 

[vaurwyn]

The universe is alive, and we are part of it.
Just as we are composed of trillions of microscopic cells working together to make us what we are, we are a small component of the magnificent universe, and have a duty to help it grow.
Only by understanding and following this Greater Will may we gain happiness, and only by being in tune with the desire of the universe may we be at peace.
Humanity has been unknowingly doing this for thousands of years, finding out what made us happy and trying to do that. Now however, we are finally able to do more, to connect to the universal consciousness directly.
By meditating to the sound of stars, by listening to the music of universal radiation, we can open our minds, and elevate our thoughts to take part in the Great Song, fulfilling our duty as humans.
This will not only lead to our prosperity and long lives, as the universe rewards those that help him, but more importantly it will finally give us the purpose that so many cultures have searched for in vain.

 

[K5Rakitan]

Everyone has a personal alien watching over them. We used to call them guardian angels. If you reach enlightenment, your personal alien will reveal its name to you and babysit your children.

 

[BigHoodieBoy]

In fact, Fire is part of humans, down to the genetic level. Now, you may not believe me, but me show how I am right.
Firstly, the reason we are born from your mother. Fire, as fire makes fire.
The reason we have sex with other humans? Fire, as fire breeds fire.
Also, we breathe oxygen, and what else needs oxygen BUT FIRE!!!

 

[NotaNuffian]

Escape from your earthly constraints with just simple exercises! Unlock your full potential within three months!

Humans are creatures of waves, be it electromagnetic, graviton or light. It is these waves that birth us, it is these waves that sustain us and our future shall lie within the power of waves.

With a simple breathing exercise, we can harness the power of the greatest wave, Solaris' breath. From gaining the power of the sun with every breath we exchange to gaining the rhyrhm of our celestial being for enlightenment!

That is just the beginning! Coupling with some stretching exercises even a toddler can do, we can manipulate our mortal coil freely! From reacting at the speed of light, having the perfect body both in and out of the bed to even punch at the strength of A bombs!

Hurry! What are you waiting for? You can get this enlightenment with just $25.99! While stocks last.

 

[GreenHexagon]

Escape from your earthly constraints with just simple exercises! Unlock your full potential within three months!

Humans are creatures of waves, be it electromagnetic, graviton or light. It is these waves that birth us, it is these waves that sustain us and our future shall lie within the power of waves.

With a simple breathing exercise, we can harness the power of the greatest wave, Solaris' breath. From gaining the power of the sun with every breath we exchange to gaining the rhyrhm of our celestial being for enlightenment!

That is just the beginning! Coupling with some stretching exercises even a toddler can do, we can manipulate our mortal coil freely! From reacting at the speed of light, having the perfect body both in and out of the bed to even punch at the strength of A bombs!

Hurry! What are you waiting for? You can get this enlightenment with just $25.99! While stocks last.

Honestly, your signature just adds to the bs. Like this man is staring at you, emanating *BUY IT OR DIE* energies.

 

[Imahermit]

I tried reading what you wrote and I stopped being able to see my computer screen.

That is because you ascended

 

[CabbagePreacher]

Existence, is like a cabbage. The head of the cabbage is like you, you are the center of existence. From you springs forth leaves, experience, divinity. What they try to take away from us is those leaves. Like worms, the their diabolical contraptions shall leave you as nothing but a head to be consumed and lost among the cosmos.

You and I are trying to break forth from those who say that these leaves are not real, from the ones who think that making metaphors with cabbages won't leave to salvation. The dark, unforgiving void of the universe shall consume the ignoramus as they are hunted by the reapers who eat leafless cabbage like them, but you and I, as ascended and leafed ones who haven't fallen to the leavening agents of chaos shall stand firm and usher in a new and enlightened golden age for humanity.

How do I prevent being leavened and instead get leafed may you ask? You and I are what we eat, and to prevent being corrupted one must make sure to eat well. For just 99,99 KPW a month, I'll directly beam in to your mail the supplements that shall allow you to escape the chaos and usher in a new age. Full of Vitamin C and K, these Cruciferous Max™ pills will allow you to reach your unreached potential as you connect with the universe and nature. Made 102% with fully natural vegetables, these will be what allow you to fight back against anything as you re-align yourself with the cosmos.

Never got that promotion you deserve at work? Cruciferous Max™ to the rescue!
Left maidenless for the last 10 years? Cruciferous Max™ to the rescue!
Have the feeling that the universe is nothing but an unjust and uncaring void as you realize that you are nothing but an insignificiant blip in the grand scheme of existence and that when you'll die nobody will remember that you even once existed after around 50 years? Cruciferous Max™ to the rescue!

Right now, I'm also running a special offer where you'll get 2 months of Cruciferous Max™ just for the price of 1 month! Redeem yourself now, while stocks last!

* The Cabbage Preacher is not responsible for any side effects, such as a sudden fatal heart attack, an incoming sense of dread, or your family and friends being dissapointed in you after you bought some magic pills off of the internet.

 

[Amok]

uh, like, that's just your opinion man? of course the crystal lizards influence us to enslave cows so that they can use cow fetuses to grow more oil lobbyists. i mean, depack chopra and that one guy makes the music you know they say he's the smartest guy off wall street and you know the pharmas so what i'm saying is tx the rich right, but totally tax them like if we take all of it then we can start building farady head cages so the lizards are forced out of or brains man, cos they';re small and they crawl up there and CIA and controls our emotions and spoendinh baits though them. that's why i always put gum on my laptop camera like once i saw a man like in the matrix looking at me in the camera and i though fuck dude if the cia is looking through my camera then they saw me take them three tabs of acid so you know there's no way i;m not wriong. wake sheeple don;t be based cos the elites wants you to be lower than them, to shovel shit for the crystal lizards cos all the scientologist know and lovecraft said so you know our real masters are coming so ban the oil and stop improsining and genociding the bees and all the other animals cos like when the aliens come these are the only firends we have we're just monkes man hooo hooo hooo like we can't even build a space elevator to mars everyone should be sucking musk's cock but no man we gotta drill for shale? why? what did mother earth ever do to us man? like you'll see the greater gas squids will launch another steroid and kill allof us dude totally. like the dinosaurs you know they invented nukes so boom the squid gods said fuck it theyre too aggro like we should all eat tofu and wear the headcages man trust me on this i geard it from a dude at a gas station and i knew he was realu p in the oyramid you kniow like tier one or two, in the you know greenmason society they who fight the lizards, so good luck anyway, hope to see u on the other side.

 

[ToushiroYA]

Fire. Water. Air. Wood. Metal.

The five elements that compose the human being are in many and also in few when we recognize that our auras create an electromagnetic field around us that creates a new, unnamed attribute of discordance which results in a convergence of spirit, body and e-mail.

And for that we have to thank our predecessors, who carried the torch of sunlight towards the peak of Mt. Hope, and burned it down with despair, that brought to us an era of Self-Enlightenments where all technology was produced by, for and to consume the energy that is created when our minds align themselves with the universe beyond.

Logically, it is not possible to escape from the universe within, but with the brain waves we are able to capture the star light, which expands itself like a rope and stretches towards the infinity, and have it carry our aura formed bodies to the outer space; land of the astros and a existence hat shifts the paradigm for unexplainable reasons.

However, we may not forget that our goal lies within the astral body of stigmas, and creators of the communication via yoga. For the few positions we know of are just a small fraction of the power that is contained within the scriptures never told before.