New Dark Fantasy Web Novel (Happy to do Review Swaps)

ArcanePunkster

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Hello everyone!

Just started doing my Dark Fantasy series on this site, below is a link to that novel.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/176141/a-rose-among-the-mavericks/

Bare in mind it does have a NSFW warning at the moment. And the conception behind it heavily influence by anime/manga so there may be tropes that you're unfamiliar with.

Regardless, I hope you take some time to check it out would really appreciate the feedback especially moving forward.

As mentioned in the thread title I am happy to do Review Swaps if so just me a comment in this thread of PM me with a link to your novel.

Best
 

ArcanePunkster

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I can offer my assistance if you are interested. :blob_melt:

That's totally fine with me at the moment I only have one chapter uploaded but the second chapter should be up by tomorrow or the day after. The first like five chapters are practically complete anyway so I don't need to release them weekly at the moment.
 

Assurbanipal_II

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That's totally fine with me at the moment I only have one chapter uploaded but the second chapter should be up by tomorrow or the day after. The first like five chapters are practically complete anyway so I don't need to release them weekly at the moment.

:blob_aww: Understood. So what do you want? A critique or a review? And if you want a critique, do you want a patting critique, a constructive critique, or a brutal?
 

ArcanePunkster

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A rather have a constructive critique I like to know what I can do to improve my writing overall and what people like or dislike with the story based on personal preferences
 

Assurbanipal_II

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A rather have a constructive critique I like to know what I can do to improve my writing overall and what people like or dislike with the story based on personal preferences

🤔Read the first chapter. Should I write my analysis here?
 

Assurbanipal_II

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:blob_cookie: Anyway, my first impression.

You should work on your punctuation and commata use. Sentences tend to be long and you often link syntactically incompatible elements.

"It's not too late you know...to change your mind I mean"


"I made my peace with the gods, what good will their divine protection do? I have no idea"


"That's not what I'm worried about, I'm afraid that if you go down this path you may lose more than what you bargained for"


"That's a risk I'm willing to take"


You also forget periods several times.

When Yuuma realizes the dire straits that infect the very kingdom he believed he finds it hard to see any good left in it, that is until he encounters an organization known as, Mavericks.

Tenses are wrong. It happens from time to time that present tense sneaks into your writing. I might support the use of historical present, but this is not such a case.
 

Assurbanipal_II

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My second impression, style.

You prefer longer sentence structures and paragraphs, which is fine. I prefer the contrary, but that is a matter of style. The issue is that your writing gives a ponderous heavy impression. All the details slow down the reading while adding many redunancies.

As for characters, the first part was good, but then t went downhill. The behaviour of the count was unrelatable - he actually remembered a random boy - and the girl a true deus ex machina, aka asspull. You can do that from time to time, but the more often you use this instrument, the more you run the risk to ruin your plot.

Aside from her being a tsundere and a future harem candidate, her actions make not much sense. She clearly knows the boy. Why does she want to kill him? Is that logical rational behaviour?
 

ArcanePunkster

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My second impression, style.

You prefer longer sentence structures and paragraphs, which is fine. I prefer the contrary, but that is a matter of style. The issue is that your writing gives a ponderous heavy impression. All the details slow down the reading while adding many redunancies.

As for characters, the first part was good, but then t went downhill. The behaviour of the count was unrelatable - he actually remembered a random boy - and the girl a true deus ex machina, aka asspull. You can do that from time to time, but the more often you use this instrument, the more you run the risk to ruin your plot.

Aside from her being a tsundere and a future harem candidate, her actions make not much sense. She clearly knows the boy. Why does she want to kill him? Is that logical rational behaviour?

Yeah I agree that I'm not that good at knowing when and where to use my grammar. And I do tend to mix past and present tense unintentionally.

As for your second post, I understand where you're coming from but, part of that behaviour of theirs does come into play later on in the story then it'll make more sense.

I may in all honesty have to do a short prequel story in the near future. As there are important events before the events in the first chapter which will make more sense with the story. However, I did think about starting at that point but I felt like it would ruin much of the events later on. At least that's my opinion.

But I will say that I'll have to probably do some rewrite at some point. Regardless I do appreciate the the critique as I can use this going forward 👍
 

ConTroll

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Are you looking to review swap with another dark fantasy story? Or just any story in general?

Either way, I'm down. I'll reserve any official reviews until more content is released, but I'll be happy to communicate via message.
 

SailusGebel

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Hello everyone!

Just started doing my Dark Fantasy series on this site, below is a link to that novel.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/176141/a-rose-among-the-mavericks/

Bare in mind it does have a NSFW warning at the moment. And the conception behind it heavily influence by anime/manga so there may be tropes that you're unfamiliar with.

Regardless, I hope you take some time to check it out would really appreciate the feedback especially moving forward.

As mentioned in the thread title I am happy to do Review Swaps if so just me a comment in this thread of PM me with a link to your novel.

Best
English isn't my native language, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Also, I think that the two chapters are too little to give you a sensible review. Thus, I can't tell much about the characters or the story itself. So far, it isn't anything special nor any individuality, which is understandable.
That's why I will go straight to grammar.

Your phrasing is weird, and you use overly long sentences. I have the same problems as well, and I struggle with it constantly. A little advice, try to break the sentences into smaller ones and play with the word order and word choice. It would also help you(at least partially) solve the problems with the usage of the comma. There is a problem with the tenses as well.

You also mix up words and use the wrong ones.
Walking up to the market table in front of him, "Accuse me do you know where I could find the Bounty Hunter Corps?"
I may be wrong, but I've got a feeling that you wanted to use "Excuse me" instead of "Accuse me".

Overall, it's not as hard to read. But you should definitely fiddle around with your phrasing.
 
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