NEW NOVEl

Aniket-111

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2021
Messages
27
Points
3
Hello,
I am new here, and wanted everyone to check out my novel. My novel is not the very best, and as I mentioned I am new. I would appreciate it, if you all could read my novel, point out the changes I should make, and I will change it. I want my novel to be enjoyable to my readers, and hence will do anything in my power to do so. I will accept all your comments without any problems, even if they are saying about how bad my novel is, so please don't hesitate and help me improve my writing and novel.
Thanks.
 

Motsu

Game Tourist
Joined
Jun 24, 2020
Messages
810
Points
108
I'll only read the prologue!

Your Problems:



> Show, not tell! (RESEARCH IT)
For example, instead of saying 'fighting was going on everywhere.' say, 'the loud sounds of the clashing swords, the shriek of every fallen citizen and warriors, and the destruction of architectures - they could be heard and seen everywhere.'



> Letter Case being used after a comma.
For example,
Many planets which we knew, Many People? many people...



> Introductions are executed poorly.
For example,

One woman, with pink hair, fighting nearby screamed, ---> A well-endowed pink-haired woman screamed nearby,

Another woman, with the same hair, said, ---> Another pink-haired woman said, (your current introduction is mildly loose and dull in its making, consider following my examples)



> Garbage Dialogue.
For example,

“Go to the blue planet and make them realize their forgotten power once more. Remember, you will not have your own bodies, but will merely be souls who can power your hosts. The pink planet will not just die in battle, but bring about a new force to take care of these people. The pink planet will love on.”

<-------> A KING shall sound differently against who he is talking to like when the KING talks to his soldiers, he sound high and mighty, but to her daughters, he sounds like an understanding and affectionate father.

"Forget about me. You both should go unto the Blue Planet."--he puts his palm on the cheek of her daughters--"The blue planet has yet to unleash its hidden potential. But fare warns, your body won't follow and you will become souls that'll power through hosts. This Pink Planet--our planet, will never be extinct. It shall bring about a new force to take care of these people... I love you, my daughters... remember that no matter where you go - I will always be inside of your heart!"

"Father..."--her daughters embraced her--"We shall see to it that we may come to achieve your wishes."

"I am proud to be your father."



> Plotholes
For example,

'A big white light was radiated by the pink planet that day. All the native people on the planet died away. Their souls were have transported far-far away to the blue planet, Earth.'

How come the big white light that radiated only selected the native people on the planet? To begin with, what kind of forbidden spell is this? Unless it was some kind of 'forbidden teleportation magic' or 'forbidden soul-transporter magic' that selects people that are inside of its range. Then again, there is a chance that an enemy was transported with them too... making another conflict - which is good.



> REMAKE

'Everyone felt very weird, as something had just gone inside their body. Soon people started to use magic. Some used fire, some used water. Electric, ice, wind, stone, grass, and all other kinds of magic.'

Umm... to be honest with you, there is some potential. Like, there were only the two daughters left and their souls were transported - then it went inside two boys that will become the main characters who will soon fight the evil aliens that invaded the Pink Planet. Or if the forbidden magic can only select a few, then this is a possibility.

The 'everyone got selected but there is only one MC' is fine in itself but creates a bigger problem in the society, and Earth itself would go down before those enemies get to invade. Of course, with the power to play with everyone's fate - you can definitely do something about this.



-Extra-

>Insert Author Notes

When making notes inside a chapter, there is an Insert Author Notes above the tools you use for writing that can differentiate your note from the story instead of saying 'note:'.

> Re-editing Previous Chapters

Your story has potential, yet the way they are written, executed, distributed, and shown are pretty bad. I'd say, you'll pretty much have to find a way to make improvements unto different things you've never thought of as a mistake. Some things are best learned by reading your story again and again and again. Some are best taught to you by some others... but I suppose, they'll only bore fruit if you reflected to what you've learned.

> Grammarly

It is best to use Grammarly as it assists you on fixing your grammars and other uses of literature like punctuation marks while also avoiding mistakes you created along the way.
 
Last edited:

Motsu

Game Tourist
Joined
Jun 24, 2020
Messages
810
Points
108
Thanks man. I am new to writing, and am still learning to portray my story in the best way possible. I will try to follow all of your advices. About that spell, it will be explained later into the story. I will really hope you will continue reading, and keep advising me on my novel.
It is my pleasure to help those who are in need of help. Do not be discouraged by my advice, they are merely words strengthening your talent to write. Then again, I learned the hard way of writing where I had to write and write until I was able to learn the mistakes I've made and made a reflection about them.
 

Candy_Man

Member
Joined
Apr 29, 2021
Messages
44
Points
18
To build upon what HandsomeProtagonist said, I would've liked to see some more editing. This includes using italics and bold.

Here's an example:
instead of opening chapter 1 with 'Somewhere in the middle of the universe-'
Make it italic so it looks like this,
'Somewhere in the middle of the universe-'
This should make it easier for readers to distinguish the sentence from the rest of the dialogue.

I assume that you already know why bold can be quite helpful.

since HandsomeProtagonist checked out your prologue and synopsis, I'll try to list out some tips for the first chapter-

1-
A mysterious man was walking in a hallway. The hallway was huge and decorated with some beautiful paintings. The man was in a hurry. It looked like something disastrous had happened. He was in panic. Then suddenly, a voice filled the hallway. It was a call, but not like a regular call that us humans receive. It was a device, that flew up to the ear of the man. It also had some kind of wireless mic, which also flew in the air. The man started talking to someone,
The problem here is that the large paragraph is full of short sentences with some redundancy and a bit unclear. so here is a revised version I wrote without deviating too much from the original,
A mysterious man walked through a massive hallway decorated with some beautiful paintings. A sense of urgency filled the man as disaster loomed over the place. Suddenly, a voice echoed through the hallway coming from some kind of alien communication device which flew up to the man's right ear. He promptly started talking through a wireless mic with another person,

2- Some paragraphs were a little too long. That's not to say that all paragraphs should be short, but be aware that longer paragraphs can be a hassle to read if not done right. An easy solution is to split those paragraphs appropriately, easier than taking half an hour to make a good long one.

3- When the protag first witnessed magic, flight was the only thing that was described well enough. Just saying that people outside were 'flying, using fire, water, or something else.' makes it almost impossible for readers to imagine the scene clearly.
A better way to visualise chaotic use of magic would be something like this, 'Flying people scattered around street causing chaos; a lamp post was incinerated by some old lady, while a young boy shattered windows using blasts of water.'.
Extra details can stop readers from struggling with following the plot, just don't overdo it or things can get boring quickly.

Besides that, I do see potential in your writing, especially near the end of chapter one. It was as if the writing style completely flipped!

All the mistakes you have are easy to fix and will mostly dissipate with practice. Keep on writing and you'll definitely make it. :)


By the way, I'm a new writer just like you so my experience as an author is low, but I've read many novels before so my tips come more from a reader's perpective rather than an author. XD
 
Last edited:
D

Deleted member 53101

Guest
I spotted a few passive forms of sentences in your story. Just like this passage ...
The king shouted, “Everyone, this battle cannot be won by us, so just run away.”
It might be cleaner, and easier to read if you change it into the active form.

Me who still uses a lot of passive forms in my story,
and still ignoring the ProWritingAid warning.___ :blob_whistle_two:
 

Aniket-111

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2021
Messages
27
Points
3
To build upon what HandsomeProtagonist said, I would've liked to see some more editing. This includes using italics and bold.

Here's an example:
instead of opening chapter 1 with 'Somewhere in the middle of the universe-'
Make it italic so it looks like this,
'Somewhere in the middle of the universe-'
This should make it easier for readers to distinguish the sentence from the rest of the dialogue.

I assume that you already know why bold can be quite helpful.

since HandsomeProtagonist checked out your prologue and synopsis, I'll try to list out some tips for the first chapter-

1-
A mysterious man was walking in a hallway. The hallway was huge and decorated with some beautiful paintings. The man was in a hurry. It looked like something disastrous had happened. He was in panic. Then suddenly, a voice filled the hallway. It was a call, but not like a regular call that us humans receive. It was a device, that flew up to the ear of the man. It also had some kind of wireless mic, which also flew in the air. The man started talking to someone,
The problem here is that the large paragraph is full of short sentences with some redundancy and a bit unclear. so here is a revised version I wrote without deviating too much from the original,
A mysterious man walked through a massive hallway decorated with some beautiful paintings. A sense of urgency filled the man as disaster loomed over the place. Suddenly, a voice echoed through the hallway coming from some kind of alien communication device which flew up to the man's right ear. He promptly started talking through a wireless mic with another person,

2- Some paragraphs were a little too long. That's not to say that all paragraphs should be short, but be aware that longer paragraphs can be a hassle to read if not done right. An easy solution is to split those paragraphs appropriately, easier than taking half an hour to make a good long one.

3- When the protag first witnessed magic, flight was the only thing that was described well enough. Just saying that people outside were 'flying, using fire, water, or something else.' makes it almost impossible for readers to imagine the scene clearly.
A better way to visualise chaotic use of magic would be something like this, 'Flying people scattered around street causing chaos; a lamp post was incinerated by some old lady, while a young boy shattered windows using blasts of water.'.
Extra details can stop readers from struggling with following the plot, just don't overdo it or things can get boring quickly.

Besides that, I do see potential in your writing, especially near the end of chapter one. It was as if the writing style completely flipped!

All the mistakes you have are easy to fix and will mostly dissipate with practice. Keep on writing and you'll definitely make it. :)


By the way, I'm a new writer just like you so my experience as an author is low, but I've read many novels before so my tips come more from a reader's perpective rather than an author. XD
Thanks. Really appreciate the feedback. I actually had way more mistakes than this, but then rewrote everything, and somehow reduced many. I have read many novels and books, and know that my writing is no where near them. Actually, I myself as an reader, look for plot more than writing skills, in a story. I thought that would be the case with everyone, but noticed that writing matters more than I thought it would. So, my aim is currently to improve my writing skills, so my readers can enjoy more. This will only be possible if you can keep supporting, and keep telling me where I have improved, and where I still need improvement. I hope you keep on reading and supporting me. Thanks.
I spotted a few passive forms of sentences in your story. Just like this passage ...

It might be cleaner, and easier to read if you change it into the active form.

Me who still uses a lot of passive forms in my story,
and still ignoring the ProWritingAid warning.___ :blob_whistle_two:
Sure, I will work on that. Thanks for reading and feedback.
 
Top