Newbie me releasing the first chapter

Ember_Blood

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Hi guys..i just released my first chapter. It's my first time writing a book..so can't tell how it is. Had to give in a lot of effort and time to create this chapter. I'll be glad if you kindly give your review. Feel free to speak. I'm all ears 😉

Here's the link:

Thanks for your time..
 

Lloyd

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You have a problem with shifting tense and you use a lot of unnecessary words that add nothing. You should edit it to fix the tense problems and keep it consistent, plus trim the fat on your sentences. Rule of thumb is keep everything short and snappy.
 

Ember_Blood

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You have a problem with shifting tense and you use a lot of unnecessary words that add nothing. You should edit it to fix the tense problems and keep it consistent, plus trim the fat on your sentences. Rule of thumb is keep everything short and snappy.
Thanks for pointing it out
 
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Lloyd

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As an example-
Hefty sounds of metals clashing against each other echoed throughout the surrounding area. Sparks flew everywhere gleaming the dark space revealing two injured figures engaging each other in a brutal fight.
I would change to-
Hefty sounds of metal clashing on metal echoed through the air. Sparks flew and gleamed light into the darkness, revealing two injured figures, engaged in brutal combat.
 

doravg

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It is just the first chapter, but it looks like an isekai set up. With swords and magic, if the sword fight and the barrier are any indications. The protagonist is calm and collected, and he gives others confidence. With a protagonist like that, you can write a good story. I pointed out some style suggestions in a comment. You are welcome to check them out.
 
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