Newbie writer. Hoping for some tough love.

[LostinMovement]

So, today I've uploaded the very first chapter to a story I've had stuck in my head for a while now. It's called Hearts of Rust.

It's a high/dark fantasy that features a time slip (going back in time) and a non-heterosexual male protagonist ( so yeah.. boys-love). It's narrated through first person ( I apologize to those who feel uncomfortable with this viewpoint). There are some aspects of world-building involved in the story and the first chapter doesn't contain anything explicit or sexual so I think it's safe to review.

The thing is English is not my native tongue so I hope that doesn't turn you away. I'm sure there are mistakes in it, god knows grammar and I, we kind of always had a love-hate relationship. I'm planning to update bi-weekly. So I hope to get some feedback while I polish the second chapter.

 

[BlueDream]

I am probably not qualified to give out criticism, being new and all. But so far the language use and grammar in the story is fine from what I see. To me, having so many terms come up in the story that I'm not used to feels strange, but I think I can get used to it after reading more chapters. So far the plot seems really interesting and I'm guessing that Ivak could be the love interest later? Anyway I look forward to reading more chapters~

 

[LostinMovement]

I am probably not qualified to give out criticism, being new and all. But so far the language use and grammar in the story is fine from what I see. To me, having so many terms come up in the story that I'm not used to feels strange, but I think I can get used to it after reading more chapters. So far the plot seems really interesting and I'm guessing that Ivak could be the love interest later? Anyway I look forward to reading more chapters~

Thank you so much @BlueDream for giving me some of your time. I appreciate your feedback. About the terms, that's the reason I decided to add a glossary for them prior to the first chapter. I wanted a give this world and its culture a sense of uniqueness. I also considered adding an explanation of the terms in footnotes but it got too long so I had to take them out. I'm glad you think the plot is interesting. The story still needs a lot of fleshing out. Yes, Ivak will be the eventual love interest. I hope to get into his character more later, through the narrative.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

So, today I've uploaded the very first chapter to a story I've had stuck in my head for a while now. It's called Hearts of Rust.

It's a high/dark fantasy that features a time slip (going back in time) and a non-heterosexual male protagonist ( so yeah.. boys-love). It's narrated through first person ( I apologize to those who feel uncomfortable with this viewpoint). There are some aspects of world-building involved in the story and the first chapter doesn't contain anything explicit or sexual so I think it's safe to review.

The thing is English is not my native tongue so I hope that doesn't turn you away. I'm sure there are mistakes in it, god knows grammar and I, we kind of always had a love-hate relationship. I'm planning to update bi-weekly. So I hope to get some feedback while I polish the second chapter.

As far as I can see, it doesn't seem bad, but it appears to be ... generic. Reborn, back in time, vendetta, abused, we all had these things before to a degree that they are cliché now, which isn't necessarily something bad. What I want to say is that you are entering a hard market with a lot of competition.

 

[LostinMovement]

As far as I can see, it doesn't seem bad, but it appears to be ... generic. Reborn, back in time, vendetta, abused, we all had these things before to a degree that they are cliché now, which isn't necessarily something bad. What I want to say is that you are entering a hard market with a lot of competition.

Than you for your honest opinion. I guess you are right. Stories like this had been written many times in this genre and I know I might not even find an audience for this work but I believe one should at least try to finish what they started. I will try to make it as less 'generic' as I can along the way This is my first experience writing so I hope to learn as much as I can from it, even it's not that good.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Than you for your honest opinion. I guess you are right. Stories like this had been written many times in this genre and I know I might not even find an audience for this work but I believe one should at least try to finish what they started. I will try to make as less 'generic' as I can along the way

Perhaps I am wrong, but I have somehow the feeling that the story was inspired by a certain novel with a bunny slave girl if I remember correctly. Anyway, a little personal tip, stop with the foreign titles. They add atmosphere, but they are way too much and way too many. They confuse the reader and if I have to look up every single word in the glosssary ... Well, the majority will say *go fuck yourself* after the third time.

 

[LostinMovement]

Perhaps I am wrong, but I have somehow the feeling that the story was inspired by a certain novel with a bunny slave girl if I remember correctly. Anyway, a little personal tip, stop with the foreign titles. They add atmosphere, but they are way too much and way too many. They confuse the reader and if I have to look up every single word in the glosssary ... Well, the majority will say *go fuck yourself* after the third time.

Noted, I will tone them down. I was worried about that aspect so I will see how to keep the atmosphere without overdoing it. Bunny slave girl ? no. I don't recognize that novel. The story is inspired, as all written works are, by other works, specifically an older Chinese novel and a certain BL Manhua. However the general trope is where the similarities end. Can I have the name of the novel you spoke of ?

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Noted, I will tone them down. I was worried about that aspect so I will see how to keep the atmosphere without overdoing it. Bunny slave girl ? no. I don't recognize that novel. The story is inspired, as all written works are, by other works, specifically an older Chinese novel and a certain BL Manhua. However the general trope is where the similarities end. Can I have the name of the novel you spoke of ?

I think it was Nidome no Yuusha.

 

[LostinMovement]

@Assurbanipal_II ah, so I've just went and read the synopsis of that novel on NU. Looks interesting, the general premise might seem similar to I'm going for but not really.The true goal of my protagonist's journey is not revenge. It's personal growth and letting go of the past. There are people he cherishes in his life and wishes to protect, ultimately his real wish is to be happy, rather than wasting his second chance on hatred and anger. He will realize this later on in the story. So, the main theme is character development. Anyways, you've been generous with your time so thank you. I will keep all the things you pointed out in mind.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

@Assurbanipal_II ah, so I've just went and read the synopsis of that novel on NU. Looks interesting, the general premise might seem similar to I'm going for but not really.The true goal of my protagonist's journey is not revenge. It's personal growth and letting go of the past. There are people he cherishes in his life and wishes to protect, ultimately his real wish is to be happy, rather than wasting his second chance on hatred and anger. He will realize this later on in the story. So, the main theme is character development. Anyways, you've been generous with your time so thank you. I will keep all the things you pointed out in mind.

"wasting his second chance on hatred and anger" that is rather subjective. Those who can forget and forgive have never truly hated.

 

[LostinMovement]

"wasting his second chance on hatred and anger" that is rather subjective. Those who can forget and forgive have never truly hated.

Well I can't say anything more without spoiling the plot but oh well, it's not about forgiving the monster who abused him, because that's impossible, but it is rather about forgiving himself for thinking he was 'too weak'. This is from my personal experience so I don't know if you would agree but hate and anger are energy and the more you waste them on your abuser , the more power you give to them, over yourself and over your life, even after they are long gone. Think of it as a demon in a nightmare, the more you think about them, the bigger and scarier they get. In real life, we can't always exact revenge, the best revenge sometimes is indifference.

 

[MasterJenkens]

Well I can't say anything more without spoiling the plot but oh well, it's not about forgiving the monster who abused him, because that's impossible, but it is rather about forgiving himself for thinking he was 'too weak'. This is from my personal experience so I don't know if you would agree but hate and anger are energy and the more you waste them on your abuser , the more power you give to them, over yourself and over your life, even after they are long gone. Think of it as a demon in a nightmare, the more you think about them, the bigger and scarier they get. In real life, we can't always exact revenge, the best revenge sometimes is indifference.

No doubt. I think revenge is a really weak primary character motivation anyways.

 

[clover2218]

No doubt. I think revenge is a really weak primary character motivation anyways.

I'd say I disagree. Revenge is quite a strong character motivation. Though it has become somewhat of an overused trope in recent days, realistically speaking, history's greatest conflicts happened because of revenge. And saying idealistic things like revenge won't make anyone's life better is only good in books. Yes, revenge is simple and easy to understand motivation, but it's still a quite powerful one. In fact, it's more powerful than love as motivation.

 

[Elateam]

I'd say I disagree. Revenge is quite a strong character motivation. Though it has become somewhat of an overused trope in recent days, realistically speaking, history's greatest conflicts happened because of revenge. And saying idealistic things like revenge won't make anyone's life better is only good in books. Yes, revenge is simple and easy to understand motivation, but it's still a quite powerful one. In fact, it's more powerful than love as motivation.

I agree with this. Revenge can make for great character exposition and motivation if it also reveals how an individual sees the World or if the act/process of revenge is also tied to a character's inner struggle, values and arc (Like Hamlet in Shakespeare who has to struggle with taking revenge on his uncle for murdering his father and supposedly going mad in the process). Revenge for revenge sake is the more stereotypical kind that is so over-used and lacking of any real substance that it diminishes that character in the eyes of the reader.