Planning to Revise my Novel, Please give feedback (Title, Synopsis and Ch 1)

DalangTala

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Title: Merge Riot!

I'm planning to revise my novel. It may take some time but I would like to ask feedback on the following:
  • Title - Is it confusing?Does it grab attention? Is it suitable for my novel?
  • Synopsis - Is it interesting? Does it make sense?
  • First Chapter - Does it make you want to continue reading the novel? Are there issues or things that irks you?
  • Main Character - Any thoughts about her? Is she even likeable?

I know it's often boring to read a lot so those are my main concerns. If you have the time to read all of the 12 released chapters, please give feedback on the following:
  • Narration - Is it clear? Are there things that you want to recommended?
  • Characters - Are they distinguishable from one another?
  • Pacing - Is it too fast? Too slow? Just right?
  • Concept - What are your comments on the presented content so far?

If there are additional comments on other areas, I will really appreciate it. Thank you!
 

Assurbanipal_II

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English is not my first language, my third in fact. But what is "merge riot!" please supposed to mean? :blob_reach: I am curious and always eager to broaden my intellectual horizon:
 

Assurbanipal_II

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With words like pyrrhic in your vocabulary ... you're doing pretty good.

Nya, Pyrrhic is part of the pan-European vocabulary together many other Latin or Greek derived terms. Vocabulary itself is an excellent example, vocabulario in Italian, Spanish and maybe Portuguese, vocabulaire in French, and Vokabular in German. They all share the same root. :blob_cookie:
 

Thor

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English is not my first language, my third in fact. But what is "merge riot!" please supposed to mean? :blob_reach: I am curious and always eager to broaden my intellectual horizon:

For me it did make sense at first glance, somehow. 'The merger of many otome games is causing havoc' Something like that.

I usually dislike otome story's but it sounds kinda fun. Gonna read through it and come back later.
 

Assurbanipal_II

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For me it did make sense at first glance, somehow. 'The merger of many otome games is causing havoc' Something like that.

I usually dislike otome story's but it sounds kinda fun. Gonna read through it and come back later.

That makes sense, but why the exclamation mark then? It makes me mistake it for an imperative. :blob_melt:
 

DalangTala

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English is not my first language, my third in fact. But what is "merge riot!" please supposed to mean? :blob_reach: I am curious and always eager to broaden my intellectual horizon:
The title is actually grammatically incorrect so it doesn't really make sense :blob_no: So I'm planning on changing it. :blob_hmm_two:
 

Assurbanipal_II

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The title is actually grammatically incorrect so it doesn't really make sense :blob_no: So I'm planning on changing it. :blob_hmm_two:

Hmmm, acute girl is smiling from your banner at me ... I like it, nya. :blob_aww: How is she?
 

Thor

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  • Title - Is it confusing?Does it grab attention? Is it suitable for my novel?

    The title grabs attention but without reading the synopsis one wouldnt know to what it refers.

  • Synopsis - Is it interesting? Does it make sense?

    Synopsis is okay'ish I think? It summarizes the core of the story. A person who transmigrated into a world with overlapping otome settings.

  • First Chapter - Does it make you want to continue reading the novel? Are there issues or things that irks you?

    The first chapter only showed how pathetic Coco is. The only reason I read further was because I decided beforehand to read through all chapters.

    It only presents her personality and habits but doesnt arouse interest in what happens next. You should try to find something that makes her atleast a little bit interesting.

  • Main Character - Any thoughts about her? Is she even likeable?

    I do have thoughts about her... She is miserable, pathetic, hateful, petty, dumb and cotradicts herself on occasion and has no redeeming qualities.

    And she doesnt even try to change. I guess that was your goal but unfortunately it doesnt help her to be likeable. To be honest, I cant see any romantic development on her part for the forseeable future. I pity the person who will 'fall' for her.


  • Narration - Is it clear? Are there things that you want to recommended?

    Narration is continuous througout the chapter but is also somewhat episodic between chapters. Nothing to worry about.

  • Characters - Are they distinguishable from one another?

    Yes, they are distinguishable. All of them have very different personalities and are memorable based on their traits. The only thing missing is a more in depth description of their appearance. Right now I cant visualize them.

  • Pacing - Is it too fast? Too slow? Just right?

    It is certainly not too slow but I cant say if its too fast. Every character you introduced beside the MC got enough spotlight to make an impression.

  • Concept - What are your comments on the presented content so far?

    Hard to say. I think the story is missing direction. Otome storys are usually character driven but all of your characters are 2D on purpose because of its satirical nature. In the end only the comedy remains. Watching Coco stepping in every pitfall there is.

Hopefully it doesnt sound too harsh. I'm not that good at reviewing and just wrote what came to mind.
 

DalangTala

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  • Title - Is it confusing?Does it grab attention? Is it suitable for my novel?

    The title grabs attention but without reading the synopsis one wouldnt know to what it refers.

  • Synopsis - Is it interesting? Does it make sense?

    Synopsis is okay'ish I think? It summarizes the core of the story. A person who transmigrated into a world with overlapping otome settings.

  • First Chapter - Does it make you want to continue reading the novel? Are there issues or things that irks you?

    The first chapter only showed how pathetic Coco is. The only reason I read further was because I decided beforehand to read through all chapters.

    It only presents her personality and habits but doesnt arouse interest in what happens next. You should try to find something that makes her atleast a little bit interesting.

  • Main Character - Any thoughts about her? Is she even likeable?

    I do have thoughts about her... She is miserable, pathetic, hateful, petty, dumb and cotradicts herself on occasion and has no redeeming qualities.

    And she doesnt even try to change. I guess that was your goal but unfortunately it doesnt help her to be likeable. To be honest, I cant see any romantic development on her part for the forseeable future. I pity the person who will 'fall' for her.


  • Narration - Is it clear? Are there things that you want to recommended?

    Narration is continuous througout the chapter but is also somewhat episodic between chapters. Nothing to worry about.

  • Characters - Are they distinguishable from one another?

    Yes, they are distinguishable. All of them have very different personalities and are memorable based on their traits. The only thing missing is a more in depth description of their appearance. Right now I cant visualize them.

  • Pacing - Is it too fast? Too slow? Just right?

    It is certainly not too slow but I cant say if its too fast. Every character you introduced beside the MC got enough spotlight to make an impression.

  • Concept - What are your comments on the presented content so far?

    Hard to say. I think the story is missing direction. Otome storys are usually character driven but all of your characters are 2D on purpose because of its satirical nature. In the end only the comedy remains. Watching Coco stepping in every pitfall there is.

Hopefully it doesnt sound too harsh. I'm not that good at reviewing and just wrote what came to mind.
Don't worry it's not harsh. I actually laughed aloud when you said you pity the person that will fall for her.

Anyway thay you for the comment. It is the most detailed I received so far. If you have any suggestions, I am all ears.
 

Thor

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Don't worry it's not harsh. I actually laughed aloud when you said you pity the person that will fall for her.

Anyway thay you for the comment. It is the most detailed I received so far. If you have any suggestions, I am all ears.

I will sleep on it. Maybe I can come up with something constructive tomorrow (today).
 

Thor

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Kinda late but I had some time to think. My first suggestion would be to do something about the MC. Your goal to make her stupid is already fulfilled but in my opinion she needs something to make the reader root for her or make her likable.

Is she kind? Hell no, she spent most of her time humiliating her servant staff. Is she passionate? Yes but about all the wrong things, like robbing her fellow unsuspecting students. Is she diligent? No she lazy as fuck. Is she sociable? She didnt even try to connect with the 3 people who visited her but that was partly the fault of her being stupid.

I think she either needs some character growth or a bit of character change. I dont mind her being stupid and dense but everything else on top might be a bit too much? Even as the supposed villainess.

My second suggetion would be to line out what she even wants to achieve. I got the feeling that her priority was to dodge all the traps that make her the villain from the original story. But what exactly made the former Collete the villain? From what I have read, the former owner of the body had no features that would make her a villain. She wasnt engaged to some boy who fell for the heroine nor was she unlikable. She was diligent, smart, meek and probably had good looks. She was only lacking in the social department.

But that was something even Coco was contemplating about. That maybe Collete became the villain because of some transmigration mumbo jumbo. Because she is on the best way to become the villain.

My third suggestions is to do something about the story flow. The episodic nature is probably okay because its a slice of life story but some info inbetween would be handy. For example, chapter eleven was about the last bit of the auction and her encounter with the diciplinary guy on her way to the bank -> chapter 12 was her first day of the school start. There were several days inbetween and you could have outlined in a paragraph what happend in those days. Nothing major but something that would make the transition seamless.

The same is true for chapters itself. Chapter 3 for example, she was for maybe ~1-2 hours Collete after her breakdown in her appartment and then woke up in the hospital with Eva by her side.

What exactly happend to her in the time she was unconscious? How long was she out? Who found her? What happend? It would be natural for the person in question to ask about that even if she is kinda slow in the head.

Eva's engagement came also as a surprise. Yesterday they spent the day together doing all kinds of stuff and also talking about the one guy from the game to be husband material and then she wakes up the next day and Eva shows her the engagement ring. How the hell did that happen?

I might be pendatic in that regard but I like a bit of build up. Friends are supposed to know what happens in each others life and talk about it. That is even more true if you have a character driven slice of life story.

I hope it helps but keep in mind that Im neither an experienced author nor good at reviewing, my little story is not even at a stage to be published on SC. Just someone who reads alot.
 
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